Making friends

Granne72 Have you heard of open questions and closed questions?

Open questions are the ones where the respondent cannot answer with one word answer, either yes or no but has to give a full answer.

i.e. What sort of music do you like?

A closed question is where the respondent can answer with a one word answer of yes or no.

i.e. Do you have any children?

If you ask more open questions then you will begin conversations and off you go. If you continue with closed questions then they will dry up and you might be left to feel you are boring someone if they don't ask you anything back. I always start with statements about the weather on first seeing someone, or something that is happening nearby. At Christmas there were two people dressed up as robins in town and it started a conversation off with two men stood nearby.

It then goes from an acquaintance to deeper friendship if you are both looking for the same thing out of the friendship and have the same things in common, same morals, similar upbringing, similar situation or have shared a similar history. I have had some wonderful deep friendships which I have cherished. I now have acquaintances again but hopefully one or two of these will manifest into something more substantial over time.

Just think, when starting a conversation with someone new - what is the worst that could happen? That they will wonder off and talk to someone else. Fine. Then find someone else yourself to chat to. Someone will be willing to talk and have a chin wag with you. Just keep trying. Smile. Smile to everyone. And eye contact. Eyes and teeth, lol.

Also look on Meetup online. They have local groups, have different groups depending what you are into and meet up regularly. Pick a first meet where only a few are going and try that out. It's amazing how soon names become friends. Good luck.

interesting thread. I have a few friends of long standing, don't see each other often but enjoy each other's company enormously ( I hope it is mutual)when we do meet up. I sometimes feel guilty for not having many friends, I read on Facebook ( yes, I know....) of others who are all out and about and doing wonderful things.....I don't necessarily envy them, but then worry why I don't envy them. I am happy with a few friends and acquaintances and DH and I are good buddies, but I do worry about the time when one of us is on our own. It is hard to describe, I am quite happy but feel that I should be doing more. I still work, so enjoy my weekends and evenings just pottering, going out for supper etc.,but will that be enough when I eventually retire? Mum cant stand being on her own for more than a day, has to always have company, whereas I am happy with a good book....but will that always be enough? I suppose what I am saying is should I start investing my time in building a larger network for the future?

Organise a Gransnet meet-up. You will make some new friends then. I have

Galen isolating yourself in your house is fine if that's what you like . If not maybe you and I should try some of this good advice from other Gransnetters.

I agree with what others have said Tegan - you are not boring.

I don't think you can rush these things, it is just a slow move from acquaintance to friend.

I think Gagagran has hit the nail on the head; to move from acquaintance to friendship takes a degree of nurture and accommodation on the part of both parties. Since moving to my current town about 17 years ago I have made lots of acquaintances and several new friends. Four of those new friends are very, very close and recently I met another woman that I think will, given time, become a close friend. I have lots of shared interests with my friends and some of my friends are also friends with each other. For instance since introducing one of my close friends to my mother in law (who is also one of my dearest friends) they have struck up a close friendship of their own based around their musical interests.

I don't have many (if any ) friends, and not that many acquaintances. I suppose it's because I isolate myself away in my house.

Tegan. You are certainly not boring. I always find your posts interesting and enjoy reading them.

I think as someone said up thread, you either click with someone or you don't. When you do click though I think there comes a stage when you know you get on well and that could be the time to suggest meeting up for coffee or lunch.

Groups vary Granne- you can look at my link and find your local one and see what they do. The members have all got older- mainly over 60yrs these days.

I seem to have lots of 'friendly acquaintances' but since my BF died suddenly I think I've held back from getting very close to anyone else. All my 'friendly acquaintances' seem to have closer friends or are in cliquey groups which are difficult to break into.

Tegan Get a grip! You are lovely to talk to!

I get verbal diarrhea when socialising [I'm sure some of you have noticed ]. Probably goes back to when I was a lot younger and didn't dare open my mouth at all when in company [plus a husband [ex] who used to tell me I was speaking rubbish all the time]. I often realise that I've just nattered on about myself rather than asking people about themselves .When I did start socialising after my marriage broke up I used to hide behind cigarettes as I used to join the smokers group; I no longer smoke so can't do that any more. What hurts me sometimes is that the friends I made in a singles group no longer include us and my daughter never invites me round if she has guests, and seems to find me very boring. Years ago we used to have political discussion nights [when my ex and his pals had left the pub and come back here]; I used to love that. I did read once that most people are nervous when socialising, it's just that some people hide it more. I'm really beginning to miss the 5 minute conversations that I used to have with people when I was working..it took a year or so for that to happen, but I miss it terribly now. u3a didn't work for me but I am going to go to a walking group meet up tomorrow at my gym.

Thanks Leticia , I did belong to NWR when my children were young but found that group a bit intellectual but maybe i should give it another chance now i live somewhere different.

They really are, Granne72!
The NWR is really good because it becomes a group where you can just email and say 'anyone fancy coming to a garden open day next Tuesday?' and you might get some takers without putting anyone on the spot.

Thank you everyone it is reassuring to know that others feel the same , I have a tendency to think everyone else is confident. I can do chit chat but like you Eloethan I often feel I am boring people or saying too much ! Like you grannyknot I have friends who I see occassionally but would like to form some new local friendships. Leticia I think I will have to do as you say and take the plunge now I know that the other person may be feeling just the same.!

"have them" should be "of them".

Some people seem to have the knack of forming intimate friendships very easily and very quickly. My DDiL is one such and she also manages to keep her friends from years gone by. I think it's because she puts a lot of effort into nurturing the relationships. I would find it exhausting and intrusive to do what she does.

I have no problem making aquaintances and enjoying contact with them at the various groups I have always been involved with but I do not want or need the intimacy which goes with close frindships. Over my lifetime, from childhood onwards I think I have had perhaps half a dozen close friends but dozens of aquaintances - many of whom I have been very fond of and have enjoyed lots of events and outings with. But many have them have been ships passing in the night and whilst I remember them with fondness, I have no regrets about the passage of time moving us both on. I enjoy solitude and quietness but do look forward to attending WI and my weekly choir and see and enjoy my lovely family lots, so I am not a loner per se.

I suppose I am trying to illustrate that it is perfectly possible to have a contented life without being involved in making close friendships. However the only way to do that, if that is what you want, is to join things and as the saying goes, "to make a friend, be a friend".

I think that you need to do the same things regularly and then you gradually get to know them. Sometimes you just need to take the plunge and say 'would you like to ........' They can always make excuses.
I would recommend NWR. see here or U3A.

Good question Granne- I don't think there is a method of progressing from the acquaintance stage to the real friend stage, because you either have the necessary empathy to click with that person or you don't, it's just personality and no blame on either side.
Plus for friendship to develop both sides have to have the time to do something other than go to the class or whatever it is and many people are very busy.
But you do have to be brave enough to make the first move, if there's someone you feel you 'click' with - maybe invite them to your house for a coffee or something.
I think too another aspect is sharing of confidences - there has to be a certain level of trust before you can say to someone 'I'm a bit worried about (whatever it is). If that trust is there, maybe friendship will develop.

Eloethan I can't imagine you being boring!

My children are often moving around, job wise.
They have a philosophy, when in a new place, to say yes to everything [within reason of course!]. That helps their social lives in the new place a lot.

It partly depends which things you have joined.
If you start volunteering for things, such as making coffee afterwards, and agree to be the photography secretary or whatever, that helps make chat with strangers more natural.
Similarly, if they all go to the pub afterwards, things can become naturally more chatty.

I agree with eloethan. I gave up my full time job last year and missed my "work friends" that I no longer saw on a daily basis (although we still meet up from time to time).

I've joined an exercise class and we go for coffee afterwards (all women of a certain age) and although everyone is very friendly, I think those will be superficial friendships only as there is no one I've 'clicked' with. But then I also got myself involved in a volunteer group locally, and there is a woman in that group that I think we both feel "I have a new friend".

Also, I think friendships take time to develop.

Interesting question Granne and interesting answers too. I think it gets harder as you get older. I know most of my existing friends either go back to school days or when my children were small. I have added a couple more over the years but never through joining anything. The last good friend added to my small circle was the friend of a friend. I now see more of her than of the old friend although I am aware these things change as our situations change.

In truth most people are happy in a couple with a few good friends and it does become more difficult when you are on your own. It is tiring in social situations when you have no one to relax with between talking to new people.

We don't seem to be giving you answers Granne but we are giving you the knowledge that there are others have the same problem.

I think there are some people you just "click" with as soon as you meet them but, in my experience anyway, that sort of compatibility isn't possible with that many people.

I find general chit chat quite difficult too - I've a feeling that maybe most people do.

Then there's that awful moment where I feel I'm probably boring someone but I'm not sure how to extricate myself from the situation in a natural and relaxed way.