younger model

I am glad that you have the support of a CPN and also a loving brother. That is good to know.

Thank you mishap and grannyactivist.

Mishap. I am seeing my CPN on Thursday. Both sets of medication have been doubled and I think are starting to kick in.

grannyactivist. The day I found out about the other woman my brother came around and took me to stay at his house. He lives very close to me. I slept there for 6 weeks & went home in the daytime. I have stayed home for the last 2 nights but am going back to his for tonight & tomorrow night as I am going out with him & his wife. He comes to all my meetings with pyschiatrists and pyschiatric nurse and I have given permission for him to be in with me, he wants to understand my head. He has had to watch self harm and just wants to understand. I can't explain it myself. I know I sound a blithering wreck but apart from looking a bit grey most of the time you could met me and not know there was something wrong.

Kacee can I be honest and say that because of your past and current mental health problems you may need co-ordinated help to get through this difficult situation? Do you have a relative (sibling/son/daughter?) to help you when times get hard? If you do and you trust them may I suggest that you write to your GP and give permission for your mental health to be discussed with this person? That way if there are things going on in your head and you're not sure if they're helpful or true, your trusted relative can discuss this with your health team to make sure that they understand what's happening.
You are in a horrid situation and I would advise that you allow your loved ones to give you all the help they can to get you through this.

You are not a wimp and of course you miss him - you are in a confusing place and do not know how best to deal with it - so you are following your heart. It would help to have a voice of reason at your side so to help you think this through. Give the CPN a ring. This is difficult enough to deal with at the best of times, but if you are fighting mental illness too then it is twice as hard.

J52, I think I was emotionally bullied and did tell him this but i was not frightened of him, in past years he was the perfect husband and everybody thought I was very lucky to have such a good husband.

I do hope I have not offended anybody by reading him some of the posts. I think my head is saying that if you make him feel guilty enough he will come back....... I know..I know, the other side of my head is shouting ' why would you want him back for that reason it wouldn't work'

I really am a wimp aren't I, but I do miss him.

I am sorry that you have mental health problems, and, as I am sure you realise, this could be a contributory factor in your marital problems. You will find that Gnetters are very understanding about mental ill health and I hope that you will find us supportive.

These problems will clearly make it more difficult for you to deal with the decisions and hurt that follow on from your OH's behaviour. Do you have a CPN or SW who might be able to help support you during this difficult time? It might be worth considering having a chat with someone who could possibly hold your hand during all this. It sometimes helps to have someone outside of the family at times like these. They could put you in touch with all the right practical advice and be beside you as you work your way through it all.

Omitted 'not ' understand. x

I posted before reading your previous post, which shows we do always understand other people's lives.
Sorry that you do have emotional difficulties. I hope you get the right professional help. x

I am amazed that you read your errant husband what has been written here. I wonder, and I hope I am wrong, if you have been emotionally bullied in the past?

This person is not your controller, to be in charge of your life and feelings at his will.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I wish you well, but will not post again. x

Oh dear, I did tell you I would be saying the same as you are saying if I was looking at it from your side.

I read him the replies because I want him to understand how badly he has treated me.
Tanith & annodimini, I accept your good shaking & rosequartz I accept whatever you think would be withdrawn.

soontobee, you are absolutely right I want my old life back. I am not totally blameless in letting our marriage slide.

Maybe in my defense I can give you a bit of background on me.

One of our rows ended with him telling me I think differently from other people. I have been on anti depressants for approx 30 years but what he said struck a chord. I have tried to explain over the years that one side of my head constantly argued with the other. The right side would think of something, sometimes something simple like 'ooh I am going to have the bigger slice of cake' the left side would then tell me that if I did that something dreadful would happen to one of my daughters. This happens all the time, every day. When I found out about the other woman I fell apart completely, my daughter took me took me to the doctor who wanted me taken to A & E straight away and warned me that if I didn't go willingly that there was a chance that I would be sectioned. After much persuading she left me in the care of my brother. We were sent to the mental health clinic who put me on my current medication. All the years of fighting in my head had been misdiagnosed, they were voices which is why I am on ant-pyschotic medication. So you see I have not been that easy to live with so it is not all his fault!!

I understand your disbelief in my contact with him, my family are the same, they say I am torturing myself.

Thank you very much for your replies, they are quite comforting in a strange way xx

You sound determined to try and hold on to him. Tightly.
Even with your mental health as it is, you sound determined to hold on.
Your life has changed.

You really want this despicable specimen back? I would join tanith in that good shaking. Wake up and smell the poison.

I am left a bit open-mouthed too, that you read him our replies!! They were for you - probably I would have quite a different reply for him which GN would possibly withdraw!

It sounds as if he wants his cake and eat it, keeping his options open just in case, probably blaming you and feeling aggrieved and trying to justify himself.

Kacee why did you do that? The replies were for your benefit , telling him whats been said really serves you no purpose..

Stop contacting him and get on with your life , I'm sorry to be blunt but I feel like I want to give you a good shake and wake you up to what he's done..

I wish you all the best .........

Once again thank you all so much for your replies. I have actually read him most of these replies.

I hope, and would like to think that he would not want to hurt me financially.

I think this is still in the honeymoon stage IF as he says it has only been going on for about 4 or 5 months.

I have to agree with all the advice you are being given here, get some advice (either a solicitor or Citizens Advice) protect yourself financially. Take comfort in your children and grandchildren. Don't ring him, if there is some maintenance that needs to be dealt with in the house do you have a son-in-law who could help you, or ask around for the name of an odd job man. I agree that you should now get mad at him and the greatest revenge is to show you are getting on with your life without him.

kacee the advice that you are getting that it's time to get mad, is good advice. Years ago when I had a cheating fiance, I was so understanding, until a very good friend of mine said "Stop being so nice, he's an asshole". It was a lightbulb moment. Until then, I'd been making excuses for him!

You can always be nice, and understanding, at a later stage. Now you need "I am woman, hear me roar" not "I will survive".

I would echo the comments of others, advising legal steps to protect yourself financially. I learnt from experience that a 'gentleman's' agreement with a husband whom you previously thought was an honourable man means nothing when another woman puts on pressure!

This situation is almost worse for you than a bereavement. It is not final, so there are many 'what if?' emotions, preventing you from moving forward. Try to make a new, secure life for yourself, and you just might decide that you are better off without an untrustworthy husband.

I agree that you should take steps to protect your self financially. A letter from a solicitor will give him a short sharp shock . And her too if she wants to get her hands on his money. You need to try and get angry now. Show him you are moving on and try and keep your self busy with family and friends. It is hard but you will get there and if he ever asked to come back make sure it is on your terms.

It does take a long time to get over what you are going through, but you do get there. It's two steps forward, one step back, I found. And yes, sometimes they do want to come back, but quite a few friends have discovered later on that it has been because the other woman had got cold feet.

There are all those stages that you are warned that you will go through, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Yes, it is just like a bereavement. the person you knew is now dead to you and a cold and occasionally cruel person who suddenly seems like a stranger has taken their place. If you really do still want him back, and if his relationship isn't going to work, it will probably be a year before the cracks start to show for them. Until then they are still in their honeymoon stage.

You say upthread that you have some good days.
Good for you.

It's the grass is not always greener thought that comes to me. I imagine he was quite flattered a 45 year old woman found him attractive and at 63 might find it way too tempting. If he did come back Id make sure he'd agree to therapy with you to find what was truly missing in your relationship or what he felt was missing or it's possible he'd do it again.I hate to be blunt or hurt your feelings but there is something emotional and possibly physically that woman gives to him he thinks he needs.

I agree with Charleygirl too.

Worries about the future will only be worse if you don't get the financial side sorted out satisfactorily.

I can't see how a marital home in both names can belong more to one than the other, annsixty even if one worked and one was a stay-at-home parent.
It's easy to say be strong when you are feeling so bereft, but you have to try to be strong for yourself and your your future.

I agree with Charleygirl on every point. Once you start working on the practicalities, you will at least have a distraction from your painful feelings of rejection which is one of the worst things that can happen to a human being. I've been single for 27 years and it took a few years for me to establish myself as an entity without him. I had great support from my sons who were then teenagers and mature beyond their years. We are still very close, though they are middle aged dads in their own right now. Good luck.

Can't really add anything to the above advice, Kacee but hang on in there. All things must pass.