Ex in laws.

I do not have an ex husband, but my DS2 has had two failed marriages.
I had a big falling out with his first ex after the divorce but we are on speaking terms again.
I am still friends with his second ex, but certainly not with her mother. She went out of her way to cause trouble after the breakup.I know there is two sides to every story and my son is no saint but she really went over the top.

When we meet with friends and family- everyone has to make an effort to involve OH- as he didn't grow around here- and does not share any of our childhood memories. But I truly think this is fair enough, really- and just courteous and friendly. That's what you do for partners, no? Personally, I think it would have been fair to ask him if he wanted to come and be involved, or not.

Sorry that was to Tegan ~ the GD has commandeered my iPad and the Kindle is trying to take control.

Regan you can't allow anyone to take away something you value. Your partner will just have to accept that you are not joined at the hip.

loopylou - I'm always sugary sweet when my Dil has a go at me. It does confuse her. If I'm not sugary sweet I'm cool and distant.

Oh the games we have to play to keep the peace.

I am commenting from the other side. My ex DiL who is the mother of my GD has a new partner and 2 more children.I see them all the time and the other 2 call me Nanna. H and me go for a meal with them several times a year and we are all happy with the situation.

I agree with FarNorth.

My feeling about it all was that it was about the family and me last night. I do miss out on seeing them at Christmas time because it would be unfair for him to be alone then. I always feel very sad at Christmas knowing that they are all together, so last night was very important to me. I think he would rather my life before I met him was pushed to one side and forgotten about but I won't do that. On a day to day basis, holidays etc we get on very well but the politics of family life gets complicated when there are divorces and children etc.

I think that it does depend a bit on the actual partner. Some are perfectly happy to not have anything to do with this sort of thing. But some do/will feel left out.

On the occasion you described, Tegan, I think it's just too bad for him if he felt left out. His going would have made things awkward for the bereaved family, and they are the important ones at this time, as well as yourself.

If you would be happy to take him along to a more social kind of occasion, then tell him so and explain the difference between that and this.

No, YANBU.

If given the choice we would be joined at the hip

Is this a problem for you generally? Some couples like this. But some individuals feel a bit controlled by it.

MIL for 30+ years until she died never hesitated to tell me how much better DH's ex-fiancée would have been as a DIL.
It was boringly repetitive and I just used to be sugary sweet to her which confused her no end!

I do agree about needing to keep things sweet because of the grandchildren, Falconbird but I'd be plotting my revenge.

I have been tempted to say --- off but have to keep her sweet because of the grandkids. I'm like that puppet on Rainbow - think it's name was ZIPPY

Relationships are so difficult Tegan. You are doing the right thing by keeping all the contacts you have. I have a friend who lost a lot of people after her divorce because they were really her husband's friends. I think that happens to a lot of women.

I agree with Merlotgran that would not be my reply. If she is that fond of her, why does bother visiting you?

Falcon

merlot

Regan, I think what you did was entirely reasonable!

'Oh dear?'

Not sure what I would say but I think the second word would be .... off!!

My Dil was married to someone else for 7 years before she met my DS.

She has told me that her ex mother-in-law was much nicer in every possible way than me. I just smile and say "oh dear" or some other platitude.

If given the choice we would be joined at the hip. However, he meets up with members of his family/old friends etc and I don't expect [or want]to go. Living in the area where he was brought up means that he still has the same people in his life, and all of his friends remained his friends after his divorce, whereas my friends and family were all my husbands so I lost the lot. That's why it's so important to me to maintain any contact that I can if the opportunity is there. He doesn't seem to understand that.

I have for the last 10yrs been 'minder' of my ex-mil, she and I never got on when I was married to her son but now we get on really well.. She is alone , her son my ex died 2yrs ago and she is estranged from her only daughter so it fell to me to look out for her... My husband and I spend a day a month shopping and spending time with her... he doesn't mind one bit and never has even when my ex was still alive...

I guess some people are more insecure than others... I can't see a problem with spending time with people who have been family and are the children's grandparents .

Hmm. Not sure. I think that it does depend a bit on the actual partner. Some are perfectly happy to not have anything to do with this sort of thing. But some do/will feel left out.

I dont think that it is wrong of you.

Is he generally a clingy partner, or a supportive partner, or a reasonable partner?

No! When I went to my ex-brother-in-law's funeral a couple of years ago it never occurred to my OH to accompany me. A couple of his friends said afterwards that they felt he should have gone to support me, but tbh it would have just made everyone feel a bit uncomfortable and I didn't need supporting.

No.