DIL is a challenge

To cut Jeanie some slack, she's been very honest about how she feels about her DIL!

Maybe the DiL is a handful and a difficult person, who knows, but she is the son's choice so you'll just have to get on with it.

It was gloating to say that the baby settled down for you without any problem - that sounded critical and a spiteful thing to say.

I meant it was unfair to jeanie99 to suggest the OP was a wind-up as she is an established poster, not someone we've never seen on here before.

I do not think Mishap was being 'unfair'....its a fair comment given the evidence. i.e. a negative rant followed by silence. The more I read the O.P. the more I find myself feeling so very sorry for this new Mum.

I was just so amazed by what she had said that I found it hard to credit. She must have been a first time mum herself in her time and know the score.

…she supposedly was a child carer as a job some years ago but seems to have little knowledge of babies.

Supposedly suggests that you doubt the veracity of this claim. Is that just a feeling or do you have a reason to believe that it is a lie?

Either way, caring for children doesn't necessarily involve experience with babies whose needs are, of course, very different. First time mothers often feel very insecure and full of self-doubt as well as pretty tired in the first few months, especially if breastfeeding.

Absentdaughter's three-week-old baby quite often requires feeding again not long after the previous feed and I certainly remember growth spurts when I seemed to spend the entire day with a baby clamped to one or other breast.

jeanie99 has posted on GN for at least two years, on various subjects.

It's unfair to suggest that her OP is a wind-up, whatever your opinion on this particular problem is.

Yikes. Poor young mum having a mother-in-law like that.

It's odd that 10+ hours after OP wrote this there's been no response to posts.

Hopefully it is genuine and OP is thinking very carefully about the responses!

It is half-term next week ......

I am sure I have read something very similar before.

But yes, Mishap someone could be that insensitive - and much, much worse.

I am beginning to think that Jeannie's post is a windup - surely no-one could be that insensitive?

She even sent us a Christmas card to ex-fiancée and DH for the first four years!

she was an incredibly strong churchgoer and turned me off religion for years by quoting the Bible at me

Are you my DD loopylou?
Did she call you by her DS's previous fiancee's name too?

Oh, no DD has not been married for that long and her MIL is still alive!

You don't like her. She knows that. You don't approve of her. She knows that too. 'This woman' is your son's wife and the mother of your grandchild.

This woman, gave birth 3 weeks ago, she is sleep deprived, stressed and nervous as hell. She is going to be left alone, all by herself, with this small baby. She also sounds like she is breast feeding. She is emotionally and physically drained. She is anxious about being on her own. Just like 99.9% of 1st time mom's.

She also has every right to pick her child whenever she feels like. She is not spending 'his' money, she is spending 'their' money, just like she's at home raising 'their' child.

From these few paragraphs it's clear she isn't good enough for your son.
Your DIL obviously knows this, as she's had months if not year's of it. I wouldn't want to spend those first few weeks being a new mum, when I was most vulnerable with someone who doesn't like me. She probley feels the same.

That sums her up rosequartz, DH had been engaged (long before I met him) to her ideal DIL and MIL never missed an opportunity to tell me so. And she wasn't even close to DH, her favourite was youngest so so when he married my sister and they moved miles away I got the complete double vicious whammy because naturally they'd met through me!

looplou your MIL sounds much the same as my DD's MIL.
I hoped that she would find a loving second mum as they are so far away from us, but unfortunately she has a jealous, spiteful MIL who sees DD as a rival for her son's affections.

OP's last paragraph shouts volumes- this woman!!!!!!

When My DDIL had our DGS her parents were staying with them.
Our first visit a week later, after her parents had gone, was for us to say a quick hello and have a cuddle with the baby but I took a couple of casseroles, a home baked cake and a few 'treats' for them.

I have a great relationship with DDIL and treasure every second I spend with them, I just can't fathom out OP's attitude at all

Our adult children chose their life partners and make their own families. We don't get to choose their partners/wives/husbands, our job is to offer loving support to these new families.

One of our daughters had her first baby 10 days ago, after a difficult pregnancy and c section. Thankfully, mum and baby are now doing well but I would have been both distressed and angry if her mum in law had been critical or cold in her manner towards our daughter, especially in those early weeks after a first baby is born. Possibly as we're in a similar situation as you, that is with a new baby grandchild I was rather more shocked by the cold, critical way in which you described your grandchild's mother, your son's chosen life partner, than I may have otherwise been.

I hope you are able to take the comments on this thread as well meant and to reflect on them.

Sadly you sound just like my MIL who never approved of me and made her feelings very clear from day 1, long before we married. I was on tenterhooks every time I saw her, dreaded phone calls from her and that lasted throughout the 34 years before she died.
At no point during that time did I do anything right - and my lovely SIL would support that.

I would have loved a kind, non-judgemental MIL but it never happened.

You say everything is me, me, me so perhaps she is very unsure of herself and her skills as a new mum - I was a midwife before having children and I was petrified when I came home with a newborn!

They've been married 20 months and now need to establish themselves as a family free from being judged.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh but my sympathies are with your DS and DIL.

She has a new baby and is probably tired and stressed. I would imagine she is well aware of your feelings about her so it's hardly surprising she is not that keen to spend time in your presence.

Perhaps if you could see her more as a newly acquired daughter rather than as some sort of unwelcome interloper who is ruining your son's life, your relationship with her may improve. You are obviously unhappy about the situation but you may feel a whole lot unhappier if you find yourself increasingly unwelcome in their home.

Wise advice above. She sounds stressed and is obviously scared about being on her own with the baby. Perfectly understandable.

They are a couple - is the money that comes into the house not 'theirs'?

She is a new mum with a 3 week old baby, worrying about how she will manage on her own. That is quite understandable. Did you chat to her as well, ask her how she is feeling, take her some flowers, give her a hug, or just concentrate on the baby and your son?

You said " I talked with my son " ........ did you not include DIL in the conversation ?

I Echo all that Elegran says. This new Mum will fully appreciate that you view her very negatively. She is your Son's wife and the Mother of your Grandchild. I'd be very careful how you handle this as you are the only one who is going to loose out in the long run if you do not tone down your feelings. Sorry to sound so abrupt but I really do think you need to take a good look at the attitude you bring to the relationship.

This young couple need your support, they are a family now and if you are lucky you will be included in it.

jeannie* - you really do not sound as though you like this young lady at all and I am sure she senses that - why would she want to stick around when you are there if you do not like her? She is finding her feet as a new Mum and will be very tired indeed - the last thing she needs is a disapproving MIL around! I think that escaping to the bedroom was a very god idea!

How they spend their money is their business. And "how she treats our son" is also a private matter and is his choice.

There is a baby involved now and you need to do all you can to support and strengthen their relationship, whether you like her or not. They are parents now and need support and kindness to fulfill that role well.

My DDs chose their partners and at the beginning sometimes I felt surprised by their choices - but I put my faith in them and all my SILs have come up trumps.

There are obviously occasions when mistakes are made and need to be rectified later, but it sounds as though your son is happy with his choice, so you need to be too. Give them your love - both of them - that is all they need.

Excellent post Elegran