DIL is a challenge

keep driving - not drinking

It's so sad that you feel that way. I must echo what others have said that you may think you're hiding it well, but your dip with by hyper aware of every little dig and side wards look shot when you think she's not looking. My inlaws did the same to me when I had my lo, and sadly (I'm ashamed to say) I ended up hiding from them. When I knew they were likely to pop round I'd go out or be upstairs or in the garden. If I saw their car at tesco I'd keep drinking and go to asda ?? you need to cut her some slack. Reassure her and show her some respect or you'll just end up costing yourself time with your gc. Sad it true x

My son describes my dil as 'very, very territorial'. I had been keeping to being friendly, loving and helpful but she was frequently breathtakingly rude. I would go to bed and weep as quietly as I could manage. Then I understood.
No matter what I do I will always be 'his mother', a woman she mistakenly sees as a major rival to be fended off. It has to be on my dil's terms or my son gets the backlash. So, I have given up on my hopes,- to have the lovely, great relationship I had with my mil. All I want is for my son and his wife and new baby to be very happy. So I have stopped trying so hard, and up to press this 'semi-detached' mil is the preferred option. Things have got much better. We now chatter away!
As for my son's money, he has a wife and child. And very occasional phone calls starting with "Mum, ......." are now greeted with a smile, as I silently re-jig my finances. My son loves his wife very much, she and the baby are his first priority. But Mum's go sidewards not backwards. And like any change, getting to know the new 'rules' takes time. My mother hated my granny, I thought the world of her. I hope my dil and I will stay better attuned. I 'backed off' from being a doting mil and became a happier mil.

Ta, Hilda and loopy

I wholeheartedly agree HildaW

Elena I suspect I would have done what you did. Some posters seem to have a different perspective to me

elena, I read all your posts and just want to say...nothing you wrote sounded anything other than a loving parent doing the best she could in a complex situation. Your daughter needed her Mum and you could be there for her. The OP represents a completely different attitude and I'm sorry you have got caught up in this.

I find all this territorial stuff written about grandchildren, especially when they are newborns, very odd. Its a baby, the offspring of your children.....not something to be fought over or seek 'rights' over. Its all about building and maintaining relationships and, on a very simple level, love - the selfless giving stuff that asks for nothing in return.

I'm glad about that elena. No need to say any more

nightowl, I am not going to go into even more detail, but what you say did happen (his mother and father supporting him), just not on that particular occasion.

I'm sorry it was so difficult elena and I don't want to 'diagnose' your family from your posts on here, but I do think if it was my son in that situation I would have wanted to be there for him, perhaps separately from his partner at that point, while her mum supported her. I don't mean taking him away altogether, just being around for him without getting in the way. I do think that although men haven't given birth, it's an intensely emotional experience for them and maybe they need some tlc as well at that time. Who better to provide that than his parents?

Every family is different, and every birth will be different. It just needs some love and sensitivity to all the different emotions that are going on. I would hate to think I had left my son to cope with all that on his own.

It took them both a little while, to be honest. I think a great deal of it was tiredness (dd was in hospital for induction, which failed, for three nights before the baby was finally born, and he was with her the whole time) plus the stress of seeing her in pain, followed by the acute fear when a section was done because of fetal distress.

Crikey. Hope he has recovered.

Gosh, what a great idea, jinglebellsfrocks - it's amazing how you make such a super suggestion, without really knowing us or the situation....

The fact was he wouldn't have coped better. You're just gonna have to believe me on that one! He was in bits.

Perhaps your sil would have coped better with no other people around.

Redheadedmommy, you describe my dd's postnatal period very well.

Yes, you are wrong, gillybob .

My use of 'booted out' indicated nothing more than a tendency to use a colourful phrase, jinglbellfrocks.

It's amazing how my recounting of an incident in a few words has allowed people to ' diagnose' my desire to be 'top dog' (!!!), to think the in-laws should only come when invited for a short time, and to say that the dad should have been enough, and that I should have disappeared as well Talk about making 2 and 2 add up to 5

My SIL was very upset as well, and had had no sleep at all for 2 nights. He's a great guy but on this occasion was just not alert to dd's growing stress and pressure as the visit.

My DH was not there, BTW.

My dd's in-laws have become our friends, and we get along very well. On that occasion, they were blind to what was happening - they'd travelled 450 mls to see their first GC and were so excited.

My daughter was in pain, in serious emotional distress, and yes, needed the clean pants and the personal stuff, and help going to the loo and all that sort of stuff.

Jeez....this is getting daft! I was there. I know my DD. She was absolutely fine about what I did. None of you were there, and you don't know us I am a non-interfering mother and MIL and grandmother, but I do know when to do something that breaks the rules when needed.

I do think both sets of grandparents should be 'equal' and have a lovley close relationship with their grandchild.

I gave birth just over a year ago and I remember everything. The after effects from the drugs, the exhaustion, the stitches, the bleeding, the hormal drop, the crying and the contractions of your womb shrinking down to normal size. It was horrendous!

My mom stayed a while after I was home and kept popping in with pads, bigger bras, anousol (oh yes!) she came with food and went away with washing.
My in laws came down for about an hour and went home.

As sad as it is to say, while I love my DH more than anything there are certain 'woman' things I just wanted my mom for and he was happy with that.

As soon as I started feeling better, obviously everyone was welcome. It wasn't about my mom getting dibs on my DD it was about my recovery.

I think it would have been better for both pair of parents to have left after such a long time. The dad should have been enough to support mum.

To me it sounds like maternal grandma thinks she is "top dog" and has every right to be there, however the paternal grandparents should only pop in (if invited) have a quick look and get the hell out, or else they will be booted out ! Charming eh?

Could be wrong though. I am a mother of a daughter and a son for the record.

Not the best phrasing to use, "to boot them out". Seems indicative of something. Not sure what of course.

But it might not be a wonderful time for her.
Some women might not be comfortable to say 'MIL, I've just bled through my last pair of clean pants and I really need a wee but it stings so bad cause of my stitches' while trying to hold in tears with a house full of people.

Some women sail through it, some women don't. Some women are happy to show off their babies to the world 3 hours after birth, some might want to cry alone in the bathroom. Not one woman in the same.

Exactly nightowl. Reading some of these posts I still count myself extremely fortunate to have my DiL and her parents who do treat me as equals and not some irritating woman who happens to be the fathers mum, who overstays her welcome, occasionally needing to be " booted out" .

well said night owl.

Perhaps they love their son just as much as you love your daughter though elena, and want to share in his happiness. Of course the new mother has to take precedence as she is the one who has been through the birth, but I take exception to the idea that the parents of the new father are only there to see their new grandchild. They also want to support their son and of course his partner at such a wonderful time. I would sincerely hope I wouldn't outstay my welcome whether the maternal or paternal grandmother, but if I did, I would hope that the new parents could ask me politely to leave, without any prompting by the other grandmother. Not her place!

Gillybob, you can't hear tone well on forums! I did not mean to be taken so literally. My Sil did not really boot them out - my words were said tongue in cheek.

My point was that while the pils love their grandchild in exactly the same way as I and my husband do, they don't have the same relationship with my daughter. I was with my daughter because she needed me. They came to see the new baby. I was sensitive to her overriding need for calm and quiet. They were less so.

Well your tone sounded very nasty to me elena and I was only quoting the words you used to the father of the baby's parents. It takes 2 to make a baby . The fathers parents will have exactly the same feelings as you.

Thank goodness I have my lovely DiL that's all I can say.