End of a relationship

Mariana I have just become a divorced grandma after 7 years of marriage to my second husband. Even though I decided to leave and get the divorce I stilled grieved for that lost relationship. I expected it to last but circumstances seemed to tear us apart.
My daughter moved to Cornwall just after the birth of her second child and it was then that I married the man I had been living with, I think because I was struggling with the loss of my little family. It felt like they had moved to Australia when in fact it was a day's drive but my husband couldn't seem to get along with them and made it difficult by wanting to limit the time we stayed and not wanting to come at all to see my family and I was torn in two and almost lost my daughter.
In the end I was pushed to chose by my husband and naturally I chose my daughter and children.
I have been living here in Cornwall for a year now and it has taken a lot to settle being alone.
I seem to have been grieving for my beloved first husband who died of Mesothelioma in 2001 after a long illness. Grieving for the massive upheaval I have been through and grieving about getting older.
Grief whatever the cause is a painful process and there is no quick way through it. I can only say it gets easier and each wave brings some relief. His being younger than you shouldn't make the difference it just sounds like he is a bit immature emotionally and not the right man for you.

Yes, I am lucky. I get 6 sessions free. Even just knowing that counselling is in the pipeline makes me feel a little more positive.

It sounds as though you have a good GP who understands what is needed. You are lucky that counselling is available on the NHS in your area. I do hope that you find it helpful.

That's brilliant. It will help to talk it through. What a lovely doctor.

Good news for me. Managed to get hold of my doctor today, and she is referring me for counselling. So hope that will help me, to get back to my normal self !

We don't always know why a relationship breaks down and if your friend will not speak to you about it there is little you can do.
You will be depressed and low right now and need time to work through your heartbreak.
I know it's difficult but try and alter you day in some way and look at different ways of going forward.
Ask a friend to tea go to the cinema or theatre.

Hi Rubylady. thank you for sharing your experience wth me. I am not sure I could ever get over my ex being with another woman.I guess it may happen sometime, but I do not know. Because of his brain problems now, he just wants to be on his own, sitting in his flat and watching tv. Before the coma, he had a lot of history with women. Married and divorced 3 times, Plus numerous affairs.Then he went into a coma, and had a brain operation and changed completely. i was the first person that he had been out with for 4 years-I guess i thought I was special.
He told me so many times that he would always love me and never leave me, which is why I am finding it so had to come to terms with. I do not have any family to talk to, none of my friends understand, which does not make things easier. I had been on my own for 10 years , and get used to it, but it was so good to have a special person in my life again. I worry now that I will never meet anyone else--the years are passing too quickly.
That is a long time for you not to have been out with anyone else. Did you just not meet anyone else that you liked ?
Thaks you for your advice-I do get out whenever I can, although many times, i do not want to , nor do I want to talk to anyone. I do not want to be like this anymore, but do not know how to get out of it. i suppose it is a time thing, but right now, i feel worse. Marian

Thank you both for your lovely messages. I will get back later.

Mariana I know exactly how you are feeling. I was with a guy who was 18 years younger than myself. For five years. I thought the world of him and I know that he thought the same of me too. I shared his birthday with him and then couldn't contact him the following weekend at all. I found out on the Monday that he was with someone else over the weekend. It ended there. He is now with someone else and he has a child, which I would not have provided for him as my days of baby making were over by then.

That was in 2006. I haven't been out with anyone else since. I have missed him terribly as we had such a great time together and felt like we just clicked. We did everything together. I was more upset over this than my marriage breaking up as that was bad for a long time beforehand and my ex husband was violent too.

However, recently I have realised that if we were together now it wouldn't be the same as before. I am not the same person now and I'm sure he isn't neither. What we had then was very special and will stay that way and I will always have some precious memories but it is time to move on and find someone who fits who I am now and gets me as I am now.

I don't think you can rush getting over this sort of thing until you are ready to do so. Take your time, be good to yourself but don't make yourself a hermit, accept invites and have a good time. You never know who is round the corner!

Sorry Mariana, just realised I spelt your name wrong in my post above.

Marianna, like a good few of the others, I too know how you feel. It's so difficult because no matter how hard you try and how kind people are, you are still left (especially late at night) thinking 'yes, but I just want him back'.

Please believe me, this does get easier. It takes time and there will be good days and bad days but it will get better. In the meantime, it can be the looking for answers that can wear you down.

For what it's worth, I think the health problems may well have influenced his decision. He may of course have ended it in any case.

Believe it or not, in the long run, it may have been you who decided to walk away. Sometimes, we just know deep inside that something - even something that feels really good - just isn't just quite right and you may well have acknowledged that eventually.

As others have said, be kind to yourself and please don't ever feel alone. I am quite new to this site but it seems to me that there are a lot of good folk on here with a great deal of support to offer.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are.

I am so glad that I discovered this site--purely by accident.

As I mentioned elsewhere, I have no family of my own, so even though I keep as busy as I can, i still spend a great deal of time on my own. My friends just cannot understand me, and do not understand why I am hurting so much.

Everyone here is so supportive. It is really helping me to read your messages. thank you all so much. xx

The hurt is natural. You need to grieve for what might have been. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

Talk to us as much as you want to. Sometimes you might need to rant. Other times you may need to be sad. Whatever you need we'll be here.

Mariana - I do understand how you feel - I have recently experienced a break up of a very close meaningful 10 year relationship - it was awful for a long while (to put it mildly) but, one year on it's OK, I can live with it and even view it with affection. My youngest son is now in the throes of an emotional trauma but knows that it will get easier in time. He finds it comforting that he can talk to me about his heartbreak, knowing that I really understand - so that makes me feel useful again. Relationships, where promises are made and then broken, are horrid but, as the saying goes, "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - trite but true. It will get better - you are doing the right things - please do not blame yourself - stop looking for reasons, accept it was beautiful while it lasted and don't taint it with fault on anyone's behalf.

I don't know what to say but don't want to 'read and run'.
The ache will ease even though it doesn't feel like it now. Those are easy and common words to say, and I do feel for you.

Everyone here is so wise, and I am seeing things in a different way. I think you could be right. I know with his brain problem, he sometimes does not know what to say.

But the big problem is that I still love him, much as he hurt me. .I just cannot turn it off like a tap.

Saying those things could be his clumsy way of saying he is sorry to have misled you, even unintentionally.
Definitely try not to blame yourself, and just be good to yourself while you get over the shock of his leaving.

Thanks for your comments. You are right I think about the age difference maybe being a factor, although he swore it never would. But he has also said that he should never have got serious with me, and he should never have said the things he did--the trouble is that I believed him.

Thank you all so much for your good advice, and for caring about me.

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You had 37 years of happy marriage mariana and that wouldn't have happened if there was something 'wrong' with you. You were with this man for a year and 2 months is still very early days when trying to get over a broken relationship. Give yourself time as with time it will get easier.

You say he was 16 years younger than you so it could be the age difference that made him feel unable to continue with the relationship. Perhaps that is why he didn't give you a reason, he knew the age difference was there when your relationship began and maybe felt guilty for becoming involved, thinking it wouldn't matter, when in the end for him it did.

I am so sorry that you are going through this heart ache. As long as there is Gransnet you'll never be alone as there will always be someone here to listen and give what help and support they can.

Relationships break up for all kinds of reasons - and none. There is no reason why just because this relationship was ended by this man that there was any 'fault' on your side, nor that his medical problems had anything to do with it

You have had the good fortune to have had a long and happy marriage and have, perhaps, forgotten the years of your youth, when, like most of us, you probably had other shorter relationships that broke up, with either you or the man involved doing the breaking. I am sure then you didn't blame yourself for the break-up, or look for health or other problems in the man as the reason for the break-up. Nevertheless I am sure when someone did end a relationship then you were hurt and upset.

The situation is no different now, even though you are 50 years older. Someone you loved and no doubt loved you for awhile has had, quite literally, a change of heart. It happens - at 20, 40....60, 75. You are doing all the right things - and that classic cliché, time will heal.

It could be that the brain surgery has affected him but equally sometimes relationships just run their course with no fault on either side.

Whatever the reason it's not your fault. You mustn't blame yourself.