When friends split up

Teetime, I think all I would want from a good friend like yourself is that you're there to hear what I need to say. To be able to be upset without feeling judged or to be given advice. For her to have been able to open her heart to you yesterday meant a lot. Just be yourself with her. That's all she'll need.

Just stick by her - I am sure you will. She knows you are there for her when she needs you.

This happened with us - but it was complicated by the fact that my OH was very good friends with the man, and I was very good friends with the woman. Trying to be even-handed and not take sides was quite a challenge.

I wonder if it might not be the responsibility of the two of them to tell the children together, especially as the impetus to part had come from him - she should not shoulder this task alone.

I am sure that you will say and do all the right things as you clearly care for her. She will know she can get in touch at any time and have your support.

How distressing for your friend - she must feel terrible. Thank goodness she has such a loyal and caring friend in you.

I think your offer for her to come and stay with you is about as much as you can do, other than to reassure her that you will be there for her, even if only on the phone, as much as much as your own responsibilities will allow (I don't know if you're working/helping with childcare etc.). She will need to offload a lot of grief, anger and confusion and this may involve a period during which you will spend several hours being primarily a "listening ear". Alternatively, if she is really finding it difficult to cope emotionally, perhaps counselling might help - sometimes GP surgeries have a counsellor or an arrangement with a counselling practice.

I suppose, if you are able and willing, you could could visit her for the day (or maybe stay in a B&B overnight) and, if her husband or children are liable to be in the house, meet her somewhere else to talk.

Wise words Mishap re your 3rd paragraph.

Just for her to know that you are there for her I'm sure will be a big help. Reasure her of that fact.
We would all like a good friend like you that we can sob down the phone to and not be judged or criticised.
I have one and so does she

I agree nina and mishap, it must come from both of them as he is the 'instigator' of the split.

Teetime,All you can do really is be there, day or night, for your friend who must feel all sorts of strange emotions: duped, a failure, rejected, unloved, betrayed etc. It's good that you have offered her a bolt hole, keep emphasising that, she may need it after the children are told.

We have had this happen in our circle of friends a few times, I'm sure we all have, and it has always made me feel slightly on edge for a while. Whilst I know that DH and I are strong, they also thought their relationships were too and then were shocked to discover they were not as safe as they imagined. Maybe, I'm odd!

No your not odd kitty and thank you all for your wise words. They do plan to tell the children together but seem to be delaying this until after various exams and results which I think is fraught with hazard in case there is a slip. There has already been an unfortunate telephone call picked up by one of the children. My feeling would be to tell them sooner rather than later but these children are young adults and may handle this better than my friend thought and she is thinking about that.

I like the idea of booking into a local hotel - I have other errands I can run in that area so that would be legit - I shall look into that.
What was heart rending was that she said she really thought they would be growing old together and be doing the things that DH and I are doing now. DH is waiting for some biopsy results which I didn't tell her as she has enough on her plate and it may all be nothing.

Anyway I had an e-mail today and she has had a new hairdo and feeling a little brighter- I suggested she have some more treatment and some new clothes too. Thank you all for your help.

This is my first post, although I've been a viewer of gransnet for a while, as i find it to be very reassuring & informative.

I'm not sure that I can offer much support to yourself & your friend, but I did want to let you know that my family has experienced a very similar situation in the last year. My sister left her husband of 31 years for a woman in January 2014. Their 4 adult children of 22, 24, 26 & 28 have been badly affected by the break up, & have all favoured their father since. I don't have a relationship with my sister, and although I did speak with her about what had happened a year ago, I now only know how things are going through my mum, who updates from time to time. The one thing thats's obvious to me is, even though the children are adults, it has been such a shock for them that everything they knew & had as a family has completely gone. One of the boys will not have anything to do with his mum & is refusing to let her have contact with his daughter, her only grandchild. One son promises to meet her & doesn't show up. The eldest son was in touch initially, but now makes excuses in order to avoid her. Her daughter is a bit hit & miss, up & down, etc.

I think that your friends must ensure that they sit down as a family & at least try to talk about what's happened, & I would imagine that counseling with Relate might help them to get through the very bad times.

I wish you well & hope that your poor friend is ok very soon. Best of luck to you.

That's a very sad story Kitspurr. I can understand your sister's family being very upset, angry and confused at what happened. It must be very difficult to come to terms with the fact that you have been deceived and rejected but, perhaps more importantly, that your life with this person has seemingly been a facade. I imagine your sister's grown-up children feel similarly deceived and hurt.

I have to say, though, that I feel very sorry for your sister too who, it seems, has now been rejected by most, if not all, of the family. It must have been an excruciatingly difficult decision to make.

I agree Eloethan, it's a very sad situation, devastating, really. My brother in law was floored by it & couldn't comprehend what had happened. He was very angry & showed his anger by acting out, not violently, but stupidly! My mum still hasn't recovered, but wants her daughter to be happy, naturally

The odd thing is that my sister told my mum that she'd never loved her husband & doesn't think that she ever even liked him. How does that happen? You just never know, do you. None of us has a perfect relationship, I suppose. She also told me that she has never wanted to be with a woman before, and probably won't be again, if this current relationship ends.

I think that having someone to talk to is what will help Teetime's friend.

How devastating for your friend, be a good listening friend, the pouring out of grief is very important in this situation.
I remember years ago when I was a young women my husband left to be with my best friend, I was totally ignorant of the situation before it happened and had no one I could talk to.
It was the blackest time of my life and I wanted to die but I had a baby to love and I worked through this for us both.
You can't see a future and I was young so it must be far worse when you are older.
Another problem is friends take sides.
Be a good friend and a good listener.