an abusive partner

coolgran I thought that some people might think that what I said was disrespectful after I read it myself. Glad you understand.

Ethel I did not take your remarks about council housing to be disrespectful.

FlicketyB, Must admit I too have never understood the 'any man is better than no man' concept. I was dumped by first husband whilst pregnant and, once I had rationalised to myself that any man who could do that was not worth thinking about, yet alone grieving over (approx 6 weeks), I spent two years just enjoying a life of being a single Mum to the most adorable baby. It was hard, very hard. There was no money, I had to work and had absolutely no social life, but my abiding memory was of probably one of the happiest times of my life.

Later I realised that being a wife and Mum (as well as all the other things I've done) was what I really loved in life and married DH - a far better man!

I am at the moment reading Margaret Forster's 'Significant Sisters' and it a great read about women who literally battled against everything and everyone to win us our basic rights. I think every girl in the land needs to read something similar before she is 14 so that she appreciates what women have had to endure over the years.

We have choices that these women never had (I have never been an advocate of 'having it all' - just choices and opportunities). Its such a shame that certain young women even today do not see that.

(dismount soap box)

I find it so sad to hear of so many young women today, who still measure there self worth in terms of 'having a man' so stay in relationships like both those described because of their fear of not having a relationship with a man.

I understand still less why young women are attracted to men like these. I am fortunate to have avoided abusive relationships, but when I have seen others in them, in almost every case, however charming the man, the warning signs were there before the couple co-habited, married or had children.

In one case there was almost a committee of us, men and women, trying to think if there was any way we could talk a friend out of what we all saw as a potentially disastrous marriage to man we considered would be abusive, but there was nothing we could do. We were right, he was abusive, emotionally rather than violently but my friend put up with it for 10 years before she and their children moved out. The saddest thing she ever said was that the children were relieved when their father no longer lived with them. We used to visit and several times had to sit uncomfortably when he subtly undermined her confidence and skills.

ethel what a horrible situation this is for you. We would do anything for our children, wouldn't we? And that's why it is so upsetting when something like this happens, because we feel so impotent. No sticking plaster or magic kisses to make it all go away.
I do so hope your DD finds the strength and courage to do what is right for her - hopefully to walk away from this abusive relationship and build a life for herself and child where she can become the person she deserves to be.

btw my remarks about the council estate were the remarks he used to DD, they live in an ex council estate and I own an ex council house and his parents live in the same. I meant no disrespect to anyone by my remarks.

Ethel, you do not need this extra worry at the moment!

DD3 was in a similar situation with the Idiot! Thankfully, he found someone else and dumped DD and the children. He is still trying to control DD but she is gaining more and more self esteem and standing up to him. Maybe your Idiot will find someone else!

I eventually left after 22 years and was lucky to have enough equity to buy an ex council house. People around me were still renters. I loved my 10 years in that home. The neighbours were great.

One line jumped out at me......she is afraid she will never get another man. My advice would be to get a life for herself and dd and forget about men in the meantime. Looking after herself and dd will raise her self esteem and thus her ability to meet and judge future possible relationships.

When I first moved in with DP I said we needed to talk money and household expenses. His response was that he was already paying all expenses anyway...And he reckoned he was sure that I'd buy the odd loaf or two. And so, I bought the groceries. And kept my own car on the road.

After retirement it got to be difficult at Christmas etc. So I told him that I was uncomfortable and didn't have enough income to cover big extras. He got his coat and we went directly to the bank where he opened a joint account and put a few thousand into it....to cover anything I consider extras. Also if I needed it for my car service etc. DH never uses the account but tops it up now and again. He isn't interested in seeing the statements by I keep them all to show where the money has gone.

My point being that I certainly did not pay rent.

I just wanted to tell this to show that love can present itself out of the blue, I was 48. Your dd is still so young. If she could just see beyond the next couple of years, to a life that could be peaceful and content. If she could just see that joy could be hers. Though if she says she still loves him.........

This is going to sound really mean but if he did something really nasty like go to take swing....So that staying wasn't an option.

I got out of an abusive marriage, violent and verbal and ended up on the dreaded council estate you talk of. I could not have wished for nicer people to be around. I got so much help and comfort from the neighbours and new friends we made that I wondered why I had not done it so much sooner. Please don't think we are all like it shows on television, we are not. We are decent, loving, caring and above all, look out for each other.

I am so sorry that your DD is in this situation, it must be a great worry. She is in a no win situation and I can't see it getting any better. You are there for her and she will know that.

Aw Ethelbags I really feel for you. I am in a position not completely different from yours. I am watching my daughter being abused by a waste of space. Like you I would not put up with him at all.
It is so hard to stand by and watching this happening to our lovely daughters. I am so angry just now that I am having to stay well out of the way or I will end up in more trouble than than clown is worth. I have spoken to Womens Aid and we do not have any right to haul our girls out of these situations.
I have already had another situation with an older female in the family and that drove me to such a state that I became very ill. Needless to say I was not the flavour of the month no matter what way I tried to help.
Womens Aid said that women often leave it until families are so fed up with waiting for these women to realise their positions that they end up walking away and leaving the women at the mercy of abusive men.
I so wish these girls would realise their worth and see that they are worth more than the treatment they are taking. I am staying clear for the moment but if I get word that my girl is at the end of it I will be there and hopefully he wont be.
Good luck Ethelbags. Maybe let DD read this. I would rather be on a council estate than put up with either your daughter's partner or my daughter's partner. Been there and now I am different. Luckily I did that.
Sugarpufffairy

She pays him rent - no wonder you are worried about her. Men like this control by keeping their partners guessing - cruel one minute,giving presents the next. I am sorry your DD is in this sad situation.

I'm so sorry to hear about this. Of course you can't help but worry about your DD.

Living with someone like that is not a good 'family environment' for a child. Although the man is good to DGD, she will soon pick up on the distress her mother is feeling as she desperately tries to please him.
If your DD can realise that, she may find the determination to leave this man, for the sake of her child.

Have you made it clear to her how absolutely appalled you are by his behaviour? If she could understand how cruel and abusive it looks to someone else, she might realise that she doesn't have to live like that and that she can have a better life.

posie made a good suggestion about consulting Women's Aid, even if only to discuss things.

I don't think she has any self esteem as she lives in fear of him leaving her and maybe not having another man. I think she would accept any treatment just to get a hug from him when he decides to give one.
Ironically he is in present giving mode tonight and all is well until the next time

ethelbags, no point me telling you what's really happening here, you know. Your daughter has got to be the one to see it though.

All you can do is let her know you are there for her when she needs it and just stay as strong as you can. Idiotic for me to say don't worry - because you cannot stop but try to let it slip into the back of your mind as much as you can.

Her self esteem must be very low to accept this treatment and perhaps all that you can do is try to work on this. She is obviously living in a miserable bubble where normal parameters do not exist. If somehow 'normality' can find its way in she will see what its truly possible.

Look after yourself and make sure you have support to keep you going.

It's an enormous worry for you, so difficult when there's nothing you can do or say to make it better ((hugs)) x

she wont leave him and he is a super Daddy, DGD loves him and she would show signs of being scared if he was horrible in front of her, he waits until she goes to bed. I have no worries about his treatment of DGD.
I have suggested she leave but she must do it in her own time, I cant tell her what to do I can just worry, which I do very well.

I'd advise her to speak to someone at Woman's Aid as they have so much experience of this.

He is a controlling bully and I fear there is little she can do other than leave him ethel, which I'm sure you already know.
Emotional abuse is in some ways even worse than physical abuse because the scars don't show, I felt sick reading your post and I've never been in that situation.

What's he like with the child? It can't be a healthy environment for your granddaughter

It must be pure hell for you knowing you can't do or say anything. Sadly someone I know is in the same situation and 15 years on still can't bring herself to leave him.

I can't believe she 's paying rent, that's appalling, pity she can't charge him for everything she does.

I do hope other GNs will have some suggestions x

She has to pay him rent???

Oh, ethel, what a bully he sounds, I'm so sorry you've got this to worry about on top of everything else. I know there are people on here who know much more about this sort of controlling behaviour than I do and I'm sure you'll get some good advice.