Grown up children

Nice to hear your comments, know it is only right that you fall back in the pecking order as everyone gets older. Difficult to switch off from the pivotal role held for too many years, but in a way nice as do not know how I used to fit everything in, all seems to take longer now I am 70.

You get mothers days AND birthdays ? I didn't even get bloomin' Christmas. No ones getting a cream tea from me [except me] !

What a great thread! So many people say they speak to their daughters on the phone every day or their son calls in every day on his way to get the paper etc you can start thinking it's the norm. I think the emotional distance gets greater as you and they get older and it's a natural thing to happen. Suddenly when the grandchildren reach their teens they are off on their own at weekends and then the younger ones go to school and don't need babysitting so much. I sometimes feel like the 4th emergency service, but not often.

With us it's getting very much to be mother's days and birthdays and the odd concert grandkids take part in. Plus I can no longer cater for big family parties, I am not up to it and there are just too many of us anyway.

We had a cream tea for hub's 80th at a hotel, good tip that I had from a friend, does not cost as much as a dinner, everyone can come and home in time for the news.

Both DH and myself work part time for our DS so we are in almost daily contact but mostly about things we need to do for him. It's nice when he phones just for a family chat about once a week.

If there are any problems with the family we are first to know.

We don't phone him unless there is an emergency as I am always worried I will be interrupting them.

Well, I spent a morning of 'when is mummy back' comments and I've been shattered today due to having to get up really early . I do feel 'rejected' in some way. Not even a 'goodbye' when I left [in fact, I don't think anyone noticed I'd gone]. I'd like to think it's just a phase he's going through, but it's quite a long 'phase'. And I spent so many happy hours with him when he was much younger. I still seem to be regarded as someone who's responsible for the fact that 'mummy isn't here' rather than someone who's caring for him . Which doesn't stop me from worrying about the fact that they're having their first holiday abroad since the children were born and I'll be looking at all of the news headlines each day [and hiding in a cupboard when I know they're flying].

I have one DD who still needs occasional help with childcare so she still phones and I email odd snippets of information to which she responds. Sadly DD1 I think has decided to reduce contact with us. We had looked after her daughter for a month or so every year since she was born. I totted up about50 + weeks of sole responsibility for her! less so for her brother and was told this year we were not needed. It was a bit brutal but now haven't heard a word from her. Obviously we are not needed therefore no contact. I see she is alive by her tweets. One of her tweets was admiration for actions of top CEOs. One of whom I noticed called his parents every day. I was tempted to retweet.

I'm lucky enough to see my 2 sons about once a week. But I am aware that any more is too much.... for them! So I don't push.
I love being helpful, but my grandchildren don't need me so much now.
However, I have just been asked to help out twice a week during the school summer holidays with the two teenage ones.... yippee!
I feel really sorry for those who don't see their children much and can't understand it. It takes so little effort to keep in touch with the parents who loved and nurtured you.
I hope things improve, luckylegs.

It's a difficult one Luckylegs. We are estranged from our youngest son, getting on for 3 years now even though he lives just down the road. Our eldest who lives in Aus. came back last Saturday for 2 weeks and has just got back from 5 days in France where he attended his s.i.l.'s wedding. I know he's back because he's 'phoned at 3.00pm to say he's meeting up with a mate and wont be back until tomorrow.

We've seen so very little of him and while I understand the need to see friends and family he hasn't seen for over 2 years, the importance of friends over family is hard to take. He keeps apologising and I keep saying it's OK that I understand, even though it isn't really and I'm finding it difficult to understand why friends are more important than family.

We are spending Christmas with him and our lovely d.i.l.; 3 whole weeks in Aus. and knowing that we have that time with him to look forward too is making our lack of time with him now, a little easier but it's still hurtful and I must admit to feeling a little deflated.

storynanny...so true but no one really tells you how much of a jolt that dreaded 'Empty Nest' feeling is. For ages I just thought it was me because their leaving happens around the time us oldies are coping with such things as loss/illness of parents, our own mortality and dreaded menopause as well as the actual practicalities of not having them physically in the house.

We need to recognise it for what it is...a change of our position in their lives....they still love us (hopefully) just do not need our hands on 'interference'.....nor should they, but for us they will always be deliciously chubby toddlers or gangly needy teenagers who give hugs everyday.

I seriously have to hold back from suffocating the GC when they visit, if I move in for the welcoming hug too impetuously a look of borderline terror appears momentarily on their faces! So far they are still willing 'victims' thankfully.

I know we are supposed to be pleased we raised independent children etc etc, but I secretly still find it sad to be redundant as a prime carer.
2 of my adult children live overseas and one contacts me weekly and one rarely! I only see them once a year. The youngest is still local and I see him for brief chats couple of times a week. They are all boys which makes a difference, maybe, my partners daughters are always around!
I was feeling particularly down about it again recently and a good friend quoted me " we have to stop judging our self worth on the dependence of others on us"
That really struck home and I am trying to convince myself!

Both mine live within walking distance, but it's like Nina says mainly to do with handover child care. I try not to get involved in their problems, but the more I back off the more they tell me. I think they think I'm losing interest if I don't ask and perhaps that's true to a certain extent as we all get older.

We do have regular family get togethers, BBQs, meals, birthday celebrations, etc. and I'm always being told about GCs little triumphs at school or in hobbies. I try to be as excited about the last cub badge as the first, and yet another HT's award like a good Nana ought to be.

This weekend they've ALL gone away camping and taken DH with them so I've really enjoyed just being alone. Sheer bliss

When DD lived locally I'd see her 3-4 times a week mostly at childcare hand over. She is well know for random texts at all hours which I like. As it means she thinks of me.
She now lives in Edinburgh so it's a phone call on a Sunday more if she has something to tell/ask. DS still lives at home so see him every day, though sometimes it's only for meals.

Mine live a few miles away. You have to pass one to go to the others. We see them usually about once a week. Sometimes, they are busy, sometimes we are busy, so we might not see them for a couple of weeks.

It really does depend on the circumstances rather than the affection!

We know my DILs and DGs see their own parents and other grandparents much more frequently. But my DSs are the ones who are out all day working, sometimes abroad, so we would feel guilty taking away their family time.

x

I think part of the point is, do you need more contact? Or do they?

Mine are a mixture, both geographically and contact. With geography not having anything to do with it.
Two in contact daily, the others more sporadic.

But with one of mine, we have come to an arrangement, that he is to contact at least every two weeks. Else he tends to go into himself a bit. Plus when he then contacts, he has so much to talk about, that it gets tiring to listen to all in one go.

I go south by train every month or so and stay with one or other of my two sons' families. Now that the GC have weekend commitments, it's difficult for them to come to me. I've been on several holidays with one family and other son took me to Rome. I speak to them either when they ring me or when I ring them, once or twice a week. We also text or email when we want information or have special news. I also get on well with their OHs.

I don't really think that we should expect to be involved in their lives - they have grown up and have their own lives to lead. As to the actual amount of contact, that will vary according to geography, spare time etc. and will be different for each child. And different families will function in their own ways, so comparisons are not helpful.

Are you actually unhappy yourself about the amount of contact you have?; or have you started to wonder whether what you do is OK by the fact that others seem to have more contact.

I am sure that there is no norm - each family will be different.

I think it does rather depend on if we're concerned about them, though, doesn't it? I'd be really happy not to hear from mine (within reason of course), as long as I knew they were ok. DS has had problems in the past, but really doesn't want me to be asking him if he's ok. So he doesn't answer my texts....in case I ask him if he IS ok.....that's how it goes.

My son lives 10 mins away and I see him when he needs something. My daughter lives 300 miles away and while I speak to her perhaps twice a week I see her once or twice a year. This is what I have come to expect and accept, like it or not.

We most certainly could, Tegan...

Luckylegs9

It is so variable, all families are different. We are quite an introverted quiet family and probably have less day to day contact with each other than some other families. Does not mean anything is wrong...its just us.
I blame the media for sometimes creative the myth of families who are forever in contact...modern soaps etc paint the picture of people living in each other's pockets endlessly discussing every little event within the family.

What is more important is whether there is real love between members of a family....not how much time you spend together. If I'm lucky I'll get a phone conversation with either daughter every week and a visit once a month or so. They lead busy lives with many commitments...I would much rather we meet happily and enthusiastically than anyone feel the need for duty visits.

I knew a family that functioned under a very oppressive matriarchal regime of expected deference and duty visits that hid much resentment and un-happiness. Once the Mother passed away the family fell apart and now no one keeps in touch.

Luckylegs; I see my two sometimes but certainly not on a daily basis [if I'm not childminding for them]. I am looking after two of them tomorrow but not invited to a barbecue that everyones going to when the parents get back. I, too am a Facebook lurker . The last time I picked up my grandson from school I just got a sort of 'oh no not you' response . So it's not just you. We could start a club.

I see all three of mine most days sometimes youngest son for just a few minutes when he is on his way to work and they always let me know what is going on in their lives they always have done we are just that kind of family really,grandchildren keep in touch via email or quick phone call specially the past few weeks when I have been have difficulty managing with this broken arm they have kept in touch daily,DD I must admit is much more open as to her private life and what she is up to than her two brothers.

Isn't it OK not to be too involved? We live about 15 minutes from one son and his family and 40 minutes from the other. We know they are there if we need them and from the requests know they understand we are here for them. They do tell us what is happening in their lives but usually the facts, not the emotions. We have neighbours who see a family member every day, sometimes I'm envious, but usually not. I'm proud that my sons are independent and focused on their own families, but - and sometimes this is a big but - observation tells me that there are many adult daughters (but certainly not all) who are in more regular contact with their parents than adult sons often seem to be. My viewpoint may change as we become less able and mobile, its easy now to go and see them when its convenient for them that we do. I'm not sure how the future will be, its OK right now to often have just telephone contact - unless they need a babysitter! I thought your post sounded sad, Luckylegs, is it that you mind the pattern of contact with your family or is it that your friends are critical. I hope you aren't sad but if you are is there any way the pattern of contact could be adapted so you are more contented with it? I think sometimes we need to negotiate a bit with these other adults who have no idea of the impact they can have.

Luckylegs9, most of my friends are in contact with their grown-up children every day - if not face-to-face, then by phone, text, etc.
I would really quite like to have that sort of relationship with mine, but they don't seem to see the need. DS often doesn't bother to answer texts from me, so I tend to not to text much. I've even been known to look on his Facebook page to see if he's ok.