Need to leave abusive husband..

It's ok, Lona. Not an easy thing to grapple with, much less live with. Human nature to look for causes. Handy for many things

Have just been invited next door for coffee, lunch and jigsaw in my friends conservatory - few hours of sanity.. Her late mother was in a chair, so can just zoom round with a summer fruit salad..

I would just like to amend my post of 07.37, and remove the "unless".
I wasn't trying to justify the abuse, merely looking for a possible explanation, and I think you are doing the right thing snowy in getting away.

Hmm, it has been going on for some time now, and whilst aggressive outbursts may be 'understandable', they are never acceptable. There have been several - albeit very occasional - incidents over the last eight years or so, and the one I described has merely been the last straw. If I have to understand why, when he refuses to discuss it, is neither regretful or remorseful - or whether he may be starting dementia, isn't healthy or useful. I have realized that enough is enough; it is time to give up and be safe.

My oldest friend sent me this quote after I confided in her:

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

Paraphrased from the Women's Aid website: Most women put up with incredible amounts of mistreatment, and most of us don't think we'd put up with it. But we do, for all sorts of reasons, often for many years. Abusers don't usually believe they've done anything wrong, and it's always their victim's fault. It takes on average, nine attempts for a woman to leave. Two women are killed by their partner or ex every week. Disabled women are twice as vulnerable - partly due to the appalling lack of facilities, never mind for women with extra needs - but also because we are 'invisible', our carers seen as heroic, self-sacrificing and devoted. But heroes can also be abusers..

I'm glad that my local authority takes the view that any domestic abuse is unacceptable, and that my greater vulnerability takes priority.

Will keep you posted..

That's no excuse but it may be a reason worth considering.

Unless he is in the early stages of a type of dementia.

There is no excuse for physically abusing another person.

It seems a bit unfair to your husband, to get to such an advanced stage of planning without letting him know how you feel, unless you are afraid he might react violently?

If he knew how you feel, maybe he would see the need for support to ease the strain on him.

It seems, though, that you are happily looking forward to your new life and have given up on him.

I think you're right that it might be best that you separate from your husband. As you suspect, I think he may well have some continuing health problems himself and is also probably tired and stressed, which may explain why he is behaving unkindly towards you. In any event you need to feel safe in your own home, and a separation seems to be the only way.

I do hope that the renovated bungalow is allocated to you and that you'll soon be feeling much more happy and settled.

My husband probably needs to go to the doctor himself, but refuses to go..
I would have an assessment done after moving, and my care needs will, initially at least, be met by my daughter. I would then organise longer term help - mainly domestic support. I could do food shopping online. And my sister would only be half an hour away, and would come and stay often, which will be good.

I have decided separating is the way forward; not only would my husband no longer need to help mkbelieve I would be able to relax if I was settled in a place I could manage that is set up for me. I've been so worried since my husband's heart attack, and was assured he was fine. I felt so guilty about how much he was doing for me, he seems to think that looking after me is his job, and won't hear of having breaks or any support.

I do have a couple of church friends in Carlisle, so will be able to meet up with them, and also will be going to a new church, which are a bit like family.

I must go to bed.. Thanks for your interest, kindness and concern, bless you.��

If/when you move to Carlisle will you have a carer to help with the things that your husband presently does for you? That is, if he is not going with you to Carlisle?

I am a little confused, I thought you didn't get a chance to have time on your own to make private phone calls, but you are able to get to the GP on your own. You could make any private calls when out in your powered wheelchair.

Very glad for you that there has been a positive with regard to the possibility of an adapted bungalow.

Would it be possible to have a carer to help you with dressing and whatever else your husband does for you at the moment?
Maybe he feels trapped in being a carer while not being physically up to it any more. If so, his behaviour could be caused by stress, which is understandable although obviously it's not something you should have to endure.
Something needs to be done to make the situation better for both of you.
Or, have you already decided that you want to leave him?

Does your cleaner know anything about your predicament?

Hello again.

Thanks for all your replies

My husband can just about send a text, he has no idea how to use my iPhone or kindle, but I clear my history nightly, as a habit.

I do have a cleaner twice a week, so manage cooking, dishwasher and dogs. Laundry is collected and delivered back next day, except my 'smalls'!

Will go and see my doctor - tomorrow if possible. I can go on my own as my wheelchair is powered - thankfully.

Heard late this afternoon that an adapted bungalow is being renovated, and I hope to be offered it when it's ready in the next few weeks. Nothing ever definite with officials, is it, so will pack when and where I can, meanwhile..

I think snowy is about to move to Carlisle?

Snowy, some great suggestions already. You deserve to feel safe and secure, and not to face the future with dread.

Do your adult children understand how bad it is?

Have you told them what you have said here?

Another point: clear your history from your computer if you think your husband might be angry if he sees you are posting to Gransnet.

I do hope you get good help and support soon.

You could email your GP and ask for an appointment either at the health centre or as a house call. You could also tell your GP in your email that you wish to have a private discussion, and would he ensure that your husband is not present. But not to let your husband know that you have requested this privacy. The health centre could phone you with an appointment for a 'routine check'.

As you have access to a computer- could you e-mail your GP - or ask one of your children to go and discuss this with him or her? I am so so sorry you are going through this - it is possible your husband is just so worried and depressed and feeling totally out of his depth- was he always violent?

((((( hugs )))))

snowy so sorry to read about you current situation.

Do you ever have doctors appointments when you husband does not actually come into the consulting room with you? Or perhaps see the practice nurse? (the nurse at our local practice provides a wonderful service in advice, not just there to take a blood sample or smear test).

If you do, please consider the opportunity to talk openly with them, if you don't, then look into orchestrating it so that you do! It can often be so hard to broach this sort of conversation, but please remember that these people have heard this sort of thing (and worse!) before. Most health practitioners worth their salt are keen to help the whole person, not just focus on the physical aspects of treatment.

Please do give this some thought.

Sounds like you both need more help. Could you discuss the situation with your GP? Its an awful situation for you but also it must be hard for him too being tired and unwell himself. If the strain of everyday tasks could be alleviated a bit could you still enjoy each others company?

You can email them on: [email protected]

They can then make contact with the appropriate agency in your area.

If your children know about this, are they doing nothing about it?

I am so sorry Snowy I wish you lived near me I'd be round there like a shot to befriend you. Is it possible for you to have a GP or SW/DN home visit and to see them on your own so you can get some support and advice. Perhaps its time for you both to get some extra help around the house and ease the strain on you both and give you some space to think about what you really need and want. Keep talking to us here though - lots of support for you I'm sure.