Would you keep it a secret if you were seriously ill?

I found the lump in my breast just before my sister was due to go on holiday. I decided not to tell her until I knew whether the lump was cancerous or benign, so that she could relax and enjoy her holiday. Telling her was one of the hardest things I've had to do, our mother died from breast cancer in her early 50's. She had to know because she now has two close family members who have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and she has two daughters. Bizarrely, even though I've been refused genetic testing, if she develops it, she'll probably be genetically tested.

I got the diagnosis on my own, but she came with me for my treatment plan, and was there for the first session of the two types of chemo, and also for my first MUGA scan. Radiotherapy I put on my big girl pants for, and went on my own.

Whereas I think it Is important to tell close family I also feel it does not have to be immediate. Sometimes the patient needs to get used to the idea and come to terms with the diagnosis before telling others. Everyone has different reactions to learning someone close to them is very ill, and so the patient not only has to learn to cope with their own feelings, they have to deal with the differing emotions of others and sometimes that is a tall order when you are not well.

I think I would keep quiet about a possibly serious illness until it became a definitely serious illness. Even then, I would play it down until I was sure it was a terminal illness. I would then wait to choose my time to tell whoever I wanted to tell and then deal with it the way I chose. My life – my death.

We share stuff - it would not enter the head of either of us not to tell.

I would not tell because it would worry him when in fact there might not be anything to worry about Luckygirl . What good would it to to tell too soon .

It depends totally on how you think your partner is likely to react.

Mine is generally useless where illness or ill health is involved, hence I'd be unlikely to tell him initially at least. After 38 years I can pretty much guess what he would say or do/not do.

I accept that my DCs might well be upset for not knowing from the start, but they live 120+ miles away, one works out of the country most of the time and I would hate to be responsible for disrupting their lives any sooner than was necessary.

I could no more not tell my OH if I found blood in my poo than fly! - he would be furious when he eventually found out! Why would anyone not want to share this information with one's life's partner? I find that very odd indeed - but chacun a son gout and all that!

I did not tell people I had breast cancer until treatment started and was shocked that my DH had told his friends. I guess he did this for moral support but I was not pleased. Iwondered why one asked me how I was as I did not know he knew. My SIL told her husband as soon as she spotted blood in her poo I would never do that . I would have waited until tests were arranged . Why worry your DH when there might not be a problem , as it turned out there was nothing serious .My GP called me to have a " chat" about my diagnosis . It was kind thought but I turned down any further offers and it was just for a chat . I prefer to keep these things to myself .

I have had a lot of health problems and have always shared them with my family and friends in a low key way. I am a fairly open book and so would find it impossible, I think, to dissemble about my health.

My mother in law and I have a pact to share health related issues, but I know that she wouldn't want family and friends to know all and sundry and I respect her decisions; she's a very private person. Therefore I keep most of what she tells me to myself and only share the broad picture, not the details, with my husband.

I would tell.
My problem comes when I have to keep other peoples' health secrets. I hate it, but it is not my secret to tell.

My DH & I live 300 miles away from or children - one is married with 2 small girls, the other is very happy being single. It would be pretty easy to hide any serious illness from them as we only see them once or twice a year. I am disabled & in a wheelchair, DH is my carer, so I couldn't hide anything from him. Although I would prefer to keep a serious illness quiet, I don't think my DH could.

My family would have been really upset if I hadn't told them when I was diagnosed with breast cancer I would have had to disappear for months for them not to notice chemo symptoms re hair loss loss of energy etc but I am someone who likes thing upfront I had great support which I needed to get me through but we are all different .

I was diagnosed with vulval cancer last year and had to have an operation. My operation was scheduled at the same time as two of my daughters were going on holiday and as they had both been through a very stressful time (one with my grandaughter having ulcerative colitis and having to have an ileostomy and the other having problems with her marriage), I decided to keep it a secret and write to them whilst they were away so that they could enjoy their holiday without having more worries. They were a bit upset when they came back and found out (by then the operation had been performed successfully), but after I explained my reasons, they understood and both came with me to my subsequent hospital appointments - which was very good as I had to be readmitted one time with septicaemia and they were a great help. Looking back, I am glad I did what I did at the time.

I would like to send your friend every good wish for her treatment, twice. Recovery rates are encouraging now; two of my friends have made good recoveries from breast cancer, as did a neighbour of mine.

One of my closest friends has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and is going into hospital tomorrow for a lumpectomy and later radiotherapy. She told me and our very close mutual friend on the day she had the diagnosis so I presume she told her family as well, she has 3 sons and grandchildren and her first great grandchild was born today. I so hope she is successfully treated and sees him grow up. She is only 64 and her husband recovered from throat cancer several years ago. I like to feel she told us both quickly so we could support her which of course we will do.

We told people very quickly when our son was diagnosed with cancer but that was a bit different because he was still a small child. I personally feel I would tell my family sooner rather than later as if I did not get better I would want to enjoy any time I had with them as much as possible. However I agree that probably you cannot say for certain unless it is actually happening to you.

Exactly Luckygirl- they are very busy and live a long way away- and I am sure they would feel really 'cheated' and also 'guilty' that they didn't make time to spend more time with us, perhaps a special holiday, and a long visit here- and have time to say a proper good bye. They think we are strong as oxes and will live forever.

I am not sure I could have coped if my husband had not wanted to tell our sons about his brain tumour. Anyway, it's impossible to hide.
When it was diagnosed, we were asked to bring any family with us. One son came to listen and take in what we could not. He was operated on two days later, and both sons took turns to take me to the RVI. They were both there with me when he came round from the operation, as nobody knew if he would remember anything.
Our sons and their partners were absolute stars all the way through.
If we had tried to keep things secret, our grandchildren would not have been able to see their grandad for the last three months of his life. I cannot imagine doing that to them.

My MIL kept her suspected diagnosis to herself.
We were in the build up to DD wedding. DD chose the date as it was the day of my Inlaws Golden Wedding, my DD was very close to her Grandparents and wanted them all to share the special day. We booked the wedding and had incorporated the Golden wedding in the celebrations, my MIL wasn't in the best of health but hadn't been for years, she came with us for the choosing of the wedding dress and other arrangement. DD made sure that the day was not only hers and SIl but her Grandparents too.

MIL often said as long as I see the wedding Ill be fine.

On the wedding day she had to be given a seat while the photographs were taken. But it wasn't until the next day as we were all leaving the hotel and I gave her a hug and said I hoped she had enjoyed the weekend celebrations that it dawned on me how ill she was, she was like a pile of bones when I hugged her.

The following day she was due to go for investigations. DD and SIL went away for 3 wks honeymoon, She arrived home from hospital and gathered Sons and their partners to break the news that she had oesophagus cancer and that they would hot be offering any treatment, she took to her bed and DD kept ringing to see what had happened with her Grandma but we held back from telling her until she came home.

My MIL died 6 weeks to the day she was diagnosed but I think she knew long before that she was very ill.

When my OH was diagnosed with PD he did not want to tell the girls and I was very concerned about that. We are so close to them all that I did not want to be a party to any deceit - he did tell them in the end as he could see that I could not cope with the lying. They have been great of course - not treating him as if he is due to be written off, but being there with help (tactfully given) when needed. He then told friends and neighbours who have all been endlessly and quietly supportive.

Bellasnana, as I posted recently on another thread, exactly the same thing happened with my sister. I don't know how she managed to keep it from everyone - she never told her family or her friends. I have pondered this long and hard and have felt ashamed of myself for thinking it, but I can't decide whether she was very brave or very stupid. If it were me, and who knows which of us will succumb to it,I would think that I owed it to my family to at least try and fight it. I miss her very much, and I have thought since her death that, given some of the additional physical problems she had, she may just have decided to give up,but I'll never really know.

We didn't know about our mother's cancer until almost the end. I wouldn't want my family to be kept in the dark and would tell them face to face - not on the phone. But first I would tell my two sisters - the people I have known forever and with whom I've shared many of life's events. I hope that if it ever has to come to pass, they would feel the same about me.

My DH was very little support actually and the day I came out of hospital he took to his bed with a chest infection, to be fair he was ill but this has been the pattern throughout the years. He has shown little interest in my latest trauma (wet AMD) but he has developed Alzheimer's. However this is not unusual for him, some people cannot cope with other's illness.

Bellanana- respect- and yet- had she had the lump seen to early, she might still be with her family now. Very sad.

I've always thought that I wouldn't tell anyone, not even DH until it got to the point where I had to explain certain things.
I wouldn't tell friends, as my two closest friends don't live near. One of them has her own severe health problems to cope with. Also she does harp on about her health and I hate to think of turning into her.
However, as has been said, who knows.

Nelliemoser I've a sneaking suspicion they've come from the same mould or something

Each to their own, and I have immense respect and send love to all who face this awful disease.

Of course you're absolutely right Notso
Bellasnana, I think your SIL was immensely brave to do that, I truly admire her for that.