need a rant

annsixty Having cared for my mother for eight years with a dementia, not at home (so you are doing an oustanding job) and later coping with my OH who had cancer and two strokes I can't express how much I admire you. There's the old saying about having to walk in someone's shoes before you can really know what they are going through. All I can offer is respect and some

To those like annsixty, huge respect for posting so honestly. That is exactly what needs to be said. I think the strain of pretending everything is easy, just because I love him/her and putting a brave face on it can be almost as hard as the caring itself. When there's a gap between how we feel inside and how we think we should present ourselves to others it makes for such emotional turmoil.

annsixty Have a lovely rest.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts.I will be off now until Tuesday.

What bags said - the post has value for many, as instanced by annsixty's honest and very understandable post. I know how personalities can change under the influence of a dementia illness and how hard it is for relatives to care for a near stranger; but, like ann many do it and I salute them.

I think continuing the thread but not replying to certain posts is probably the best way forward.

annsixty, bravely said earlier this morning. I admire your honesty .

Just a thought - why not continue the thread, as it is really helpful to some. Why should they be deprived becaue of him.

Could we just ignore any further posts he makes, totally.

If the thread is removed he has "won" and could interefere with another thread in the same way.

We reply to these posts because at first contact we don't know the attitude and motives of the poster, and by the time we have their measure, we are into a conversation with them.

I think we need to be decisive enough to say "I am leaving this unproductive exchange", and mean it.

If this poster is genuine in his views, then he is rigid and unimaginative in his approach to life, to a point where he is not able to see from any other angle (but he repeatedly accuses the rest of the world of saying there is no way but theirs!!) so you won't alter his contempt of any weakness.

If he is not - then let's not feed him any more goodies.

Kitty GNHQ are not out of bed yet, it is Sunday. I have only just got dressed after posting that one. .

Good idea Nellie - have you had a response?

I have reported some posts here that seem to me to undermine our GN carers who need a space to say how they are feeling. I am sure you get my drift.

Can I make a suggestion. Whenever you see a really negative and unpleasant post, do not respond to that person. They are clearly put on to upset nice people and do not deserve any recognition or response. I think all you people that care for loved ones deserve a medal, if at all possible get time out, go on holiday if you can get your loved looked after, you will recharge those batteries and you need to look after yourselves too, what happens if you crumble. I do not look after anyone, but my friend does and she takes any breaks she can.(not many it is true).

Annsixty That is very true. (((hugs))) I understand the distress caused to you and the anger (yes sometimes anger) at what has happened to your relationship.

Ann it is so hard coping with dementia. It's bad enough when it's a parent, but when it's someone you have shared your life with and hoped to share your last years with, it must be soul destroying. The point you raised about family and friends is not often understood. It's the person who is there 24/7 who suffers the brunt and takes all the strain.

I hope you manage to find some respite yourself?

Ann, a really honest post.

It seems to me that we might as well leave this thread alone as it risks hurting honest and genuine posters who know they have our support! I hope I am as good as you all are if I have to be!

When the person you are caring for is not the person you married,it is very difficult to suddenly become their lover ,their friend ,their husband or wife.I do not know if anyone will agree with my very honestly held view,and it will not be a popular one I know, but if I had met the person my DH has now become we would never had got beyond the first date.I really can't be more honest than that,but as I can't or won't say that to family and friends,as I am sure they would be upset,I can say it on here and feel some relief. This does not mean Mikey that I do not and will not look after him and care for him to the very best of my ability.

Nelliemoser I wondered about that too. Familiar style!

holding someones hand ,,saying soothing words ,,does not lift depression,,,changing perception does,,,remember the doctor,,when he sugested this might be a cure,,he was shouted down,by those with the greatest need of a cure,,why,,,,,,,,they were comfortable with what they knew already,they identified completely with the role they had addopted..the carer....the empathetic...even the ,,poor me syndrom,,,,will not be given up lightly.explained the doctor,,and he was right,,and when i see the hostility,,at the mearest sugestion of another way,,was predictable,,from your point of view,lets leave people depressed,exhausted,that cant be helped,,we will step in with our empahty,, oh i think not

the very sugestion that there might be another way,must be stamped out,,eh,,,for there are those comfortable with the way things are,,one day,,they are husbands and wifes,,,the next,,,carers,,labeled for the rest of theire lifes,,with all the problems that label brings..we seek to teach,,that we need not become carers.you are lovers,husbands ,wifes,,,not a doctor nurses.they are carers,,you are not,,,,had a lady,,on the brink of suicide,after husbands stroke,,she couldnt cope,,we taught her ,,she is not his carer,but his wife,,his lover,his companion,,her perception changed dramaticaly.her burden lightened,she now teaches this,,course many in here will say,,oh this is wrong,they lack compassion,,,you cant have compassion if you dont agree with us,,the empathy model simply does not work in the long term,,,its only a sticking plaster approach,unlike many in here..i looked for a better way,,and i found it,,not for me,,but for my wife,,we are writting a book about how this works,,doubtless many will disagree with every word,social work has a draft copy,,and approved,,course they will be wrong to,,,the vested interest

Mmmmm

There was a previous poster who also used commas between words and no capitals and paragraph. Almost the same pattern of writing.
I wonder.

Anyone who doesn't need a little weep, or wishes for a holiday, or just a break for an hour or two, must be a saint. At least when you have a baby you know they are going to grow out of that phase.

Sorry I just cannot believe in Mikey. Far too sanctimonious and fond of ellipses to be true. I know OP to be an exceptionally caring and genuine person. Suspect Mikey is neither.

Thank goodness for that!

Anyway - DBH has been a real pain in the butt today, but I love him dearly. It doesn't stop me wishing things were different.

I think what it tells all you carers is that you have got it right all along!