Bit of a problem....or is it?

The warm welcome is the main thing, you're right about that Eloethan. I just wish it could be reciprocated sometimes and we could show them all the things we've done to our house, take the dgs for a walk to our beach, introduce my friends to the little ones, have playtime with their cousins etc. It is quite tiring for us as we currently don't seem to have very many free weekends for some r&r. One weekend a month we head north to see ds and family, second weekend we're 80 miles south do see dd2 and family, third weekend it's a 300 mile round trip to visit Fil and the last weekend we're at home but doing stuff with local dd1 and dgd. I've been quite unwell with uncontrolled asthma since July (on the mend now thankfully) and still the expectation remained that we would be the ones to travel.

There is quite a definite bias to maternal granny which I suppose I will get used to. It's natural that dil needs her mum it's just hard sometimes being paternal nanna. Oddly enough we're the go to people if they have problems with house issues, need money advice or diy input. I keep reminding myself of the saying "A daughter's a daughter all of her life, but a son's only a son until he gets a wife,"

Nice post, eloethan. Diplomatic

It sounds like they're pretty busy - and it is hard work travelling with young children (and there is so much paraphenalia to gather together and load into the car!). You do say that you are made very welcome when you go there so surely that is the main thing?

If your principal worry is that the journey is affecting you and your husband's health, perhaps you could explain this to your son and daughter in law and say that it would be very nice if they could visit you occasionally. If it is more that you feel the in-laws are receiving preferential treatment, it might be that they prefer to visit the in-laws rather than having them to stay - or perhaps over-stay their welcome - in which case, welcoming you into their home is a compliment.

Yes I think so Katek

Yes! I agree. O me of little faith!

Serendipity???

I think there's a word for that Katy but I'm struggling to remember it
Anyway, it's obviously the Power of Gransnet striking again

Just after I had posted, my DD and SIL popped in unexpectedly!

katyk

Perhaps that's true bags . That's a very kind post. I think I am becoming bitter and twisted. My daughter is a lovely girl, who works hard and is giving her own daughter a lovely childhood.

Perhaps she is saying that just so you don't expect her to stay very long, katyk, and end up feeling hurt if she doesn't stay long? She might be trying to make sure you don't feel hurt when she says those things.

At least she pops in.

I do that too katek. It's very hard. The one time I told my daughter that I was unhappy with her treatment of me, she said she didn't know what I was talking about. Nothing changed. Whenever she comes here the first thing she says is 'it's just a flying visit' or 'can't stop long'. I have to bite my tongue from saying 'well nobody asked you to'.

Part of the problem is that I don't tend to let them know how I really feel. I say things like 'that's a pity' or 'it would have been nice to see you' but I don't let them know how I'm really feeling for fear of damaging what we do have. I also don't want to be accused of turning the emotional blackmail screws. I keep my own counsel, perhaps misguidedly.

I am in fact extremely lucky with my DDs who are kindness itself to both of us - thoughtful and make allowances for our limitations in a tactful and loving way. It is especially precious as (see post above) I am sure that my treatment of my own parents was not as good - I often feel I do not deserve it.

I don't know what to think really. They can certainly make you feel as if you don't matter but I'm sure that isn't the case in reality.

KatyK - you are absolutely right. I thought my kids were fairly clever and reasonably well educated but they don't seem to think of anyone but themselves.
Katek- I wonder if my DGC will treat their parents, in the same or even worse way than my DC treat me with their lack of thought.
I have just this very night had a call from DD criticising me because of the limitations on my life due to my health problems. The Irony of that is that all my health problems are genetic and hereditary so if any of these land on her how well will she cope? I thought that bringing up my health status was well below the belt. It was not that yesterday when she wanted me to go 15 miles to buy something for her child!
I am not in good health but I am not stupid. I had hoped that it was just silliness but disabilities are not my choice and should not be used to cause further distress.
SPF

I agree Luckygirl and KatyK, I think I was thoughtless and didn't realise how they felt being older as well.

Me too Luckygirl. I was thinking after my last post 'Yes but how did you treat your parents and in laws'. Badly I think. I take my last post back.

I cringe to think that I may have been equally thoughtless with my own parents and in-laws. I suspect I was - but there was some "history" on both sides. We were very wrapped up in keeping our heads above water and were not perhaps as thoughtful about their feelings as we might have been.

Sometimes their thoughtlessness is mind-boggling

It is hard being a grandma and being a parent of young children. It is a big shame that they did not get home for your birthday, but I do think young Mums sometimes get exhausted and just need a break - I remember times when the idea of travelling to a family party would have felt beyond me - I just needed some peace!

Maybe just enjoy what you do have - happy visits where you are welcomed. It is often not easy to get the balance of contact right to suit everyone and their differing needs.

We did alterations to accommodate the family who live a distance away, but they are not used now as DD2 who lives in the same county has much more space than we do now - we miss not having them to stay, but in all honesty it is easier to see them at DD2's and not have the responsibility of cooking etc. And we can still get a lie-in in our own bed!

Everything changes with time; gchildren get older and travel better; we get more decrepit and worse at travelling! - I just go with the flow in the main and trust that my DDs care for us and we for them and their children and that the pattern of visiting or staying will change over time.

I'm sorry to hear that about your birthday, kate.
I would have been upset to be let down at the last minute too.
I think you have to let your ds know how disappointed you were, but without bringing the frequent visits to dil's family in to it, if you possibly can.

Katek That was hurtful, I really don't understand why some offspring behave so thoughtlessly.

Katek, that was so tactless of your DS, not coming for your birthday. I hate rocking boats but I think that, in similar circumstances, I would have indicated that I found this very hurtful - "more in sorrow than in anger". I've noticed on some threads that maternal GPs often get more attention than paternal ones, so your experience is not unique in that respect. I suspect that some of our offsprings' generation just don't realise how hurtful their behaviour can be.

We don't own their free time. Sadly. I haven't seen my DGD and DGS 1 since last December and I had a significant birthday three weeks ago. I am obviously a horrible person and I'm thinking of setting up a club for similar. These DGCs go and see the other GPs frequently but as I don't have a beautiful flat in A beautiful city and a holiday home somewhere lovely I don't altogether blame them.