I looking for support...unwell with long term child now grandchild alienation

Thank you for your wise words Monica...sometimes when your in a foggy place its hard to see through the fog and enjoy the beauty of the land.

Today im trying to relax and see things for how they are...no its not the best of situations and i cant seem to turn it around. I am going to look after me for a while, take a step back and keep my hope ongoing. I am listening to all your advice as i need to hear it. Xx

I have a good life...way better than my younger years and im so appreciative of all the people in my life...i just wanted my daughter and grandaughter to be a part of this better life i have managed to maintain.

Im so happy i read all these lovely comments..its taken away my dark cloud today ??

Rising above a difficult childhood is always a challenge. I do think that counselling might be a help to you - it helped before. What a troublesome situation this is for you. Please get all the help that is on offer.

*Renee53, My sympathy goes out to you, it is so sad to see your distress in your difficult situation. I think all of us, who in anyway have had a fractured childhood understand your desire to build a secure family unit yourself.

But we need to remember that just as some of us try, as adults, to be everything our parents were not, or even, if we had a good childhood, with happy relations with our parents still choose as adults to lead lives that were not what our parents hoped or planned for so our children may well decide not to be or become the adults we want them to be.

We, sometimes, also need to accept that our nature or the nature of one of our children means that the adult relationship between us will never be easy. I realised, in my 30s, that there was nothing I could ever do that would enable my mother to understand who or what I was and why I made the decisions I did, once I stopped trying to do that we were able to have a close and loving, if not intimate, relationship.

Perhaps this is what you need to consider doing. Try and stand back from your daughter and accept that she is who she is and no matter how loving and caring you may be she will remain what she is. It is not a case of earning her love by your devotion. It is clear from the description that her reactions to you are part of a much wider pattern of behaviour. Continue to love your daughter and enjoy being a grandmother, but cease 'battling' ( a word you use) to get the relationship that you want but she is clearly unlikely to provide.

It is not your fault and you are not to blame for this difficult relationship. Your daughter's behaviour does not mean that you are a failure as a parent. Accept what you have, a loving and supportive son and a daughter, who is not easy to get on with, but has not cut you entirely out of her life and a grandchild. You are using up all of your emotional and physical energy in trying to attain the unattainable, if you can step back your relationship with your daughter and grand daughter may improve.

Thanks Teetime,

I have goggled support groups in my area but found nothing, I have my doc again on Monday and will ask....didn't think of asking if she would know of any. Good idea X

I had counselling in the past due to the same situation.....must admit it did help for a while.

I think what makes me feel worse is that I had an awful childhood, in and out of care with an abusive father etc. All my family members are dead due to either alcohol abuse or mental health issues which has made them end their lives. All Iv ever wanted was a family unit, that's all.

❤️

Renee 53 I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time and I'm glad to hear you have seen your GP for professional help- does he offer more than the antidepressants e.g. a support group. It sounds to me as though you would benefit from a group who understand your loss and pain and give you the impetus to get up in the morning even if its only to go to the group. You could ask your GP what is available in your area. I note with concern that you feel you cant go on at times. When these really bad times come on it might be an idea to telephone the Samaritans - they have the understanding and knowledge to talk you through and may be able to point you towards some other local support services.

There are a number of Gransnetters who are going through similar problems being estranged from family members so this is a good forum to share but I think actually meeting up with a local group and hopefully making some friends will be helpful. In the meantime stay on here and perhaps get involved in some of the other discussions (I would suggest the more lighthearted ones) and see if we cant lift your spirits a little. I hope today will be a good day for you. Best wishes. xxx

Thank you so much for all the advice and care in your comments.....means an awful lot ❤️

Yes I do feel depressed and yes I have been to see my Doctor who has put me on anti depressant. I feel my feet are stuck in cement, I can't move on without the dis functional relationship with my daughter....I show love, support and kindness but nothing in return. My daughter hasn't ever actually done one thing for me, not one. I have felt like this many times before due to the relationship crumbling again, think this time it's my granddaughter I crave to hold in my arms too that is adding to the depression.

I always had hope, hope that if I show her kindness and love the sun would break through and she would suddenly see that my mum is actually ok....this hasn't happened yet.
No, I haven't been sleeping well and have felt like its the only thing on my mind 24/7 as I'm trying to process the last 27 years and find an answer as to why, that's all I ever ask myself....why?

I got up today and this forum was the first thing I looked at, then to find your kind words has filled my heart......thank you for your prayers also ❤️

So sorry to read of your distress. Now the sun has gone it is also a dark time of year which affects some people strongly. Do you have music you enjoy hearing, books and audiobooks that are escapist, light and undemanding? Just ideas which might help.
It is good that your son lives with you and is supportive, he appreciates you as, I'm sure, do your family and friends. Not yet but maybe if you feel stronger in a few months some gentle, undemanding voluntary work might help, just a thought. When I felt terribly down and lonely I gradually realised that the kindness of the staff in my local library had become important to me.
Others here have offered good advice and kindness, a huge strength of Gransnet. I so agree that you should give yourself the priority you deserve, put yourself first for a while, try to take a step back from it all.
Her closeness with her father has warped your daughter's view of you, it is they who have a problem, not you although it distresses you so much.
Things change, a time may come when your daughter needs your support with her baby. For now just take time to heal yourself, how you feel today doesn't have to last for ever.

As Jingle says have some rest. All the high stress drama is very wearing especially when you have other health issues. Do you sleep well or is your sleep disturbed. That is draining too. If your daughter is not kind be kind to yourself. Go out for lunch even if it just in the supermarket or treat yourself to lunch in an exclusive restaurant. Buy yourself treats from a bar of chocolate to a posh frock. It is all about getting you to see your worth. It is very disappointing when DC turn out different from what we would have hoped, especially if they take after the partner we divorced! You are lucky to have your DS who seems to back you up. Remember his kindness and ensure that he knows you have noticed. Buy him an odd wee gift too. Perhaps one day the children who stop us seeing them and the DGC will have this done to them. That would be karma!
Try to build a life for yourself outwith being mum.
SPF

Staying in bed for a day or two needn't necessarily be a bad thing. You probably need some rest. Look after yourself, that's where you need to start. Perhaps even forget about them for a little while. Try to get some happiness into your life in other ways. Go out shopping when you're ready. Buy a little treat or two for you. Perhaps mention the depression to the doc?

I will pray for you and your family.

if you feel at the end of the road, it is important that you see your GP and talk about this. With so much in your plate it is no surprise that you are struggling - some outside help would be a good route to follow.

Thank you.

It's just recently that my son and daughter started to speak to each other again as my son was resentful for the way I have been treated over the years, he saw my hurt as we still live together, even though Iv tried my hardest to hide my pain.

Iv tried so hard to have my family around me, I like to see them happy which then makes me happy but it's been very intermittent over the years and I had hope that one day we could just all get along and love each other for the good people we really are......and no, I have little hope or faith anymore. I feel broken and hurt.

My daughter cuts a lot of people out of her life from time to time, friends have come and gone. Boyfriends etc. But I'm a mum and I can't forget about my daughter but then again I can't actually cope with another year of this....I'm deeply hurt and have tried so hard to see my Grandaughter this past few months. Calls unanswered, then promises broken....I get my hopes up then their dashed, there's no thought of my feelings. My son has told my daughter I am ill, I haven't even had a text nothing.

I'm struggling to even get out of bed as deep down I know I'm at the end of my road....xxxx

That is so sad renee50. It sounds as if you have done all that can possibly be done. I guess it's just not possible to change someone's true nature. I think all you can do is keep trying to stay in touch with the little girl, and hope that she turns out to be a nicer person eventually than her mum seems to be. I do feel for you.

xxx
and welcome.

In posts like this, as well as reading them carefully, I try and see what the relationships are like with other people around them.

You say that they see you as a kind loving and thoughtful person.

As much as anyone can go by anything someone writes on the internet, I believe you.

As to what can be done, that is trickier.

Do you have a faith at all?