Angry Daughter

I was in a very similar position with my eldest daughter, who was always extremely manipulative - her father tried to "buy" her affections and eventually persuaded her to accuse her stepfather of sexually abusing her, which never actually happened, although he was convicted and as a result spent time inside for something he never actually did! Sadly her younger sister also got dragged into this mess and now both are permanently estranged from me and their half-brother, which breaks my heart! They even tried to prevent me attending my mother's funeral and although my toddler grandson attended, my daughters refused to speak to me and have not even allowed me to meet him. Friends tell me that "they'll want you before you want them", but platitudes like that don't help and all I can say is I'm so glad I've got an amazing son and very supportive husband and mum-in-law. I do hope this unpleasant situation will resolve itself and that you can build bridges. Remember that the Law of Threefold Returns means that your daughter will reap the results of her actions and attitudes and all you can do is be prepared to be there if and when she wants you. I wish you well - blessed be. Love & Peace

Good advice given here to which I would add the suggestion that you ask your DH not to intervene in future disputes. Although he means well it probably just serves to escalate the situation and may contribute to your daughter's view of you as a victim.

It never helps when DH pipes up in the middle of one of my heated discussions with DD

I have 3 daughters, 2 of which are from my first abusive and violent husband. My middle one suffered badly in her early years, at his hands, but she and I always had a close relationship - until I got breast cancer 2 years ago. After the hospital treatment was over she and her younger sister both thought I should be back to normal immediately. I have cancer-related fatigue and cannot travel 260miles to go and look after small children, so have been told I am not a supportive mother nor a hands on grandmother and they rarely phone or come to stay.
While on a course to learn how to manage the fatigue, I realised I was thinking of myself as the victim where they were concerned and needed to be quietly assertive. To phone them, tell them when we could visit, when we would like to see them. Ask them how they are and their families and not talkabout me unless asked.
I doubt it will change their attitude to my fatigue but it'smaking me feel betterabout myself.

Angry daughter, this is a long way around saying that maybe she does perceive you as acting like a victim. But, if you can bite back the angry replies and, as others have suggested, ask her what she would like you to do, or ask her partner how you can help and let the suggestions come from them, maybe you will start to feel better about yourself too and that is so important to your relationship. You can't support her if you feel bad about yourself - give yourself a hug from me, I know how upsetting this can be!

My heart goes out to you as I experience the same thing and to make matters worse my mum or dad would never had allowed me to flip in temper or pick them up on anything!. It's very difficult to cope in this situation as the best thing would be for your daughter to get help but as already been said, don't you suggest it, perhaps a close friend of hers could if you are able to talk to that friend in confidence?. Hope all goes well for you as I really do know how you feel.

I think you could perhaps write her a letter (not an email) saying how much you love her and you hope you can move on from the row. Don't try explaining whys and wherefores of how you acted in the past, or mention her father, at the moment.

She sounds as if she does need to talk things through, perhaps with an expert, as she sounds full of anger and resentment. But don't let that suggestion come from you or your DH.

Good luck

Well, definitely stop tidying up to start with! Why would you do that? You say she likes to do things her way.

You obviously need to handle her with the proverbial kid gloves. Perhaps say, "anything I can do to help?", and then leave it at that. You know her nature, you have to adjust your behaviour to it. If she suffers from anxiety there is probably nothing she can do about it. I hope she has meds from the doc.

Forget the past. Just try to rein in your 'helpfulness', and keep quiet when things start to go off kilter. Either change the subject (in a subtle way) or talk to the partner or the kids.

Good luck. We all need it.

Is she taking after her Father in temperament then? Sounds a bit like it.

My Mum used to say that having adult children was like dancing on eggshells and looking back now I have children on my own in their forties I know what she meant. I comfort myself by thinking that if they are stressed or tired or unwell, they know they can unload some of that stress onto me as they are so confident of my love and devotion. Of course it doesn't excuse rudeness and unkindness and that always hurts especially when you never show them either. Fortunately my two are generally kind and attentive and I know how blessed I am to have that.

Maybe a gentle email to say sorry if I offended/upset you - I never mean to? Would that help?

What does her partner say?