Daughter doesn't want me in her life

The subject of mediation usually comes up if GPs are seeking legal advice because they're being denied contact with their GC. Before a case can go before the family law courts, mediation has to have been attempted.

It isn't only in situations where parents have a specific request like an apology and then, if I've read your post correctly Wendysue the GPs say there's nothing to mediate. Before we realised our ES and his wife were hell bent on cutting us out of his and his children's lives, he told his father that they'd never agree to mediation. The reason being that they wanted to exclude us from their children's lives and deny those children their loving paternal grandparents. They got what they wanted and we have the scars to prove it.

I've heard of such services, Granarchist, but don't know much about them. Usually, I'll hear that the GPs wanted to go to mediation but the parents refused. That's only in situations where the parents have some specific thing they want from the GPs, like an apology for whatever, and they say there's nothing to mediate. But, IMO, there are circumstances where it could work. Maybe, in time, the idea will become more popular.

This very sad thread makes me count my blessings. Tho I did have a period of 10 years when I did not speak to my father, luckily we were semi reconciled before he died. He treated my mother appallingly and bolted off having got another woman pregnant. He never spoke to us at the time, just left my poor mother to explain the whole thing. It was disgraceful. When I got married and had my own children I wanted him to know them and I did come to understand that his own upbringing had been very odd and he was a weak man rather than a wicked one. My mother was fabulous and never blamed him or criticised him (she blamed her mil) which I think helped. What I do wonder tho, with all this unhappiness is whether there should be some mediation service available to bring families back together - at least for the sake of the next generation? Whatever the reason for a breakup - surely GC should not have to suffer for something their parents or GPs are responsible for?

Thank you so much, NanaBear! Same to you!

8 years! I'm so sorry! My heart breaks for you! I was going to say that maybe you and DD have just been too "on top of" each other and she just needs a breather - but then I saw how long the estrangement has been. I can barely imagine how difficult this must have been for you!

I'm not exactly sure what you're saying about mental illness. Are you suggesting that DD might be BP like her dad and PGM (paternal grandmother)? Cuz I'm thinking that could be though I don't want to play armchair psychologist. I think these things can be inherited, but I'm not sure.

" I've taken a back seat; started living my life, learned to go with the flow - but never given up hope."

This ^ is such a beautiful attitude, IMO. It must be hard to keep this balance, though, and I commend you for even trying. You sound like a lovely woman and I hope there are other people in your life who truly appreciate you. (((Hugs!)))

Alot of these posts resonate with me so much. For my own sanity, I have let go. My DD attacked me both verbally & physically after supporting her in so many ways, & then I received a message via a new partner (she had known only months) to 'back off' & 'she never wants to see you again' - with no explanation of what I had supposedly done. Too much probably! I have not seen her or my 3 GDs in nearly 8 yrs now; the youngest by 'new' partner I have never met so not bonded with. Attempts to contact her via my son, to reconcile, met with silence; cards and presents for my GDs returned with the message 'don't send any more it upsets them'. Over the 8 yrs she has cut herself off gradually from both my family, incl. my son, and my ex-husband's.
My ex-husband is Bipolar (successfully hid from myself by meds & alcohol for 12 yrs of marriage); he cut off from his parents for 5 yrs, I still don't know why, and only re-established contact having been pushed by myself because I'm very family oriented. His mother was Bipolar and she fell out with her mother, no explanation, after she married at 19, refused to ever see her again up until she died. There's a pattern and I think what I am trying to say is where mental health issues are concerned it is doubly difficult for family relationships; hopefully the new approach of openess will change this. I empathise with everyone here experiencing difficulties and just wanted to say after all these years its only recently I've truly learnt to let go. I've taken a back seat; started living my life, learned to go with the flow - but never given up hope. One day I may be posting to say my family is all back together again but until then I wish everyone the best and a very Happy New Year :-)

For Jasperis - Loads of (((hugs!)))

I hope you find some solace in your other DDs (you say the estranged one is your "youngest daughter") and GC, if any. But I imagine nothing fills that void entirely. Have you thought about counseling to help you cope?

Feel for you so much as I haven't seen my youngest daughter for nearly five years and don't know why she has cut us all off and she lives not far away. The bottom has fallen out of my world. May be we should meet up for a cuppa cheer each other up with positive ideas.

I'm sure you're right Gill, can you imagine friends putting up with such cruel and nasty behaviour; they wouldn't have any would they. What amazes me is that because we've backed off and given our ES the time and space he said he wanted, 3.5 years' worth, he now accuses us of abandoning him.

I'm so sorry Lucklegs. We're here in Oz with DS and d.i.l. and had a lovely Christmas and NY but still missed our GC, the youngest just 6 weeks' old having his first Christmas. Writing things down and just getting it out of your system even briefly, is a form of therapy; I hope it's helped.

Yes Anya such a sad thread. I had a two aunts, one who I was very close to. She was hideously bullied by her sister, my other aunt, put down, opinions dismissed, really ghastly behaviour. I took nice auntie to task about it and asked why she put up with it, why she felt she had to, she admitted that she wouldn't be friends, by choice, with anyone who behaved like nasty aunt, but as they were sisters, she felt sorry for her and felt she had to take it. Really sad. I have never been in this situation myself, but I am appalled by the reports of rudeness and downright nastiness in some of these reports. I don't expect any of these appalling offspring treat their friends in the same way so why should parents be fair game? One day they will be older and less powerful and maybe then will look back with regret.

Such as sad, sad thread. Makes me count my blessings.

Well, got through Christmas, really missed seeing my daughter and gd, but comforted myself in the knowledge that this is is what she wants and I do want her to be happy. She could not have gone on getting upset with me in her life, what sort of message does that give to my gd with constant flare ups. I have had a hard look at myself and do not know what I do wrong, but realise she has moved on in her life and is not the girl I bought up, she is a grown woman with a family and I guess just how friendships can sometimes run their course, sometimes your nearest and dearest have little in common with you. I hear mil's critisising their children's partners and way they choose to live their lives when it is not their business and I have never, ever done that, I bit my tongue. If I had had an interfering mil I would not have wanted her in my life, but mine was lovely and I miss her, but guess I will never know what wrong buttons I pushed with daughter to get to this point, just know that things can never be ok again, because she is always on my mind but this time will not do anuthing about it. Sorry it is so long, it must be a kind of therapy writing it down. Thinking of all those at the beginning of a new year and hope a miracle happens for you.

Yes, Wendysue, it is a sad situation but although my daughter has been banned in the past from contacting us because of her verbal abuse, it took just a few short months after my husband's death for her to start her antics again. She is never going to change her attitude and the things she said are unforgiveable. Whilst I will not have the happiness I had with my husband again, I hope to at least achieve a reasonable level of contentment. I cannot do this with a daughter deliberately causing trouble and accepting no responsibility for her attitude. She was an only child who would like to have been far more spoilt than she actually was.

Lucky legs ,I am in the same boat and have been for 20 years. There is sporadic contact and then nothing for months or even years. Everything that goes well for my DDs is apparently down to their hard work but everything that goes wrong in their lives is my fault somehow. I have tried to learn to live without them but it is hard. I allow what contact they want but don't try to push it from my side. We have had many conversations about the situation but it all ends up as my fault as usual. If you cut off all contact it is very painful never knowing what is going on with your DDs but when you allow contact and it doesn't come ,that is also hard. I have schooled myself to accept what little contact I get. At the moment 1Dd is in contact occasionally but the other one is totally blanking me. My eldest son I haven't seen for 20 years. He lives 200miles away but visits his sisters ,driving past my house to get there! Sorry to have rambled on but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone (I always thought I was the only one in this situation!) and there is absolutely no easy way out of it.

helo gransnet,,,,messed my post up a bit,,,,,,,,daughters still feuding,,,,have had a crap christmas again,,,,,,,,,daughters dont seem to care about me unless they want something,,,or need helping out,,,,i have done my very best and more for my kids,,,,,all i ask is a little respect and love, seems i am not alone reading all these posts,,,,from now on i am going to look after ME,,,,,,,,,,,,IM GOING TO MAKE MYSELF BUSY AS HELL, they will wonder what i am up to, maybe i will try and be brave enough to take a few holidays alone,,,,,,,,,,my partner doesnt give me too much support, not their father i might add,,,,but he has treated my kids so well and helped them,,,,,what is a matter with kids these days,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i sympathise with you all who has kid problems,,,,,,,,,happy 2016

This is such a sad situation for you. I can sympathise being, apparently, the MIL from hell. I have now decided to step back for my own health and sanity. I can't really suggest any solution. I think it's a case of just plodding on from day to day. Try and keep smiling.

I'm another one who has been lucky, so far, like hulahoop. That may be partly because I "keep my mouth shut" most of the time about my DDs' lives, marriages and kids, don't give advice unless asked and so forth. But I know some parents/GPs get CO no matter what they do. So I know "there but for fortune..." and I chalk it up mostly to luck.

Bralee, my heart goes out to you! Rock and hard place. You want to let your DD know what she needs to do to improve her life and relationships but you're afraid of losing contact with her and your GC! Plus you have to deal with her anger, yourself. Arrrgh!

Maybe you can just wait till she asks what she can do about losing still another friend or whatever is going on? And then ask her something like, "Have you thought of counseling/anger management?" Just ask - don't tell her to go. Maybe it's better just to mention counseling, you know, to help her deal with the aggravation and then let the counselor advise her to go for anger management.

Meanwhile, I don't know if you want to stop taking care of GD because it's too tiring or because of having to face DD's rants and so forth. But is there any way you can alleviate the tensions between you and her? Avoid criticizing or giving unsolicited advice about her kids and so forth? Make sure you follow all her rules and routines for baby? But perhaps you already do all this. Please try just to enjoy GD - before you know it, she'll be "older" and in preschool or something - and avoid issues with her mother. (((Hugs!)))

And hugs to you, too, Raspberry! You have a lot on your plate! Would it help to hire someone to care for or help care for your mother? Maybe that would ease some of the tension and resentment. Ideally, IMO, you should do only what you can do with a glad heart.

As for your DD (dear daughter), I'm sorry she feels so resentful of you and DH. But I think you're right and that's probably because she needs your help so much, both for childcare and financially. Have you tried praising her, now and then, as a mother and so forth? I hope you and DH also avoid giving unwanted advice and stuff, as she probably feels inadequate, sometimes, and doesn't need to be told she's wrong about anything or how to do things. But you probably know this.

Sorry that one GS was excluded from school, but glad he's in a new school now. I guess he has some kind of problem? That probably doesn't help your DD's attitude either (sigh). Please be as supportive as you can. And enjoy those GSs! Someday, I'm sure, DD will look back and realize how lucky they all were that you could be there for them!

I know exactly what you're going through, and wish you well - it is hell, but if she is determined to cut off her nose to spite her face, there honestly isn't anything you can do except hope that at some future date she will realise that she wants to come back to you. For what it's worth, though, I really do agree with OlderNoWiser that she may well be suffering from either Bipolar or even Schizophrenia and if so and she ever does get appropriate treatment, she will realise that it isn't you but her condition that is speaking. If you regard Sil as a nice sensible lad, could you perhaps tactfully suggest this to him? Good luck!

As Mothers and Grandmothers our role is nurturing our family, it's programed in our genes to put our family first. My daughter is resentful and unpleasant to me and her Dad. Her situatation is such that she requires our assistance both financially and with child care. She would far rather find the help elsewhere and not be beholden to us in any way if she could and this only makes her feel even more resentful of us. We love her boys, and for the last academic year have looked after her five year old son since he was permantly excluded from school, so that she could go to work. I'm pleased to say that he is now back slowly being intergrated into a new school.
I am also the main carer of my mother, 93 yrs, living alone with some difficulty. I have no help from 2 brothers and a sister. I resent them and her. My life is not my own any more. But I accept the responsibility. I sadly do not do this with much grace and accept my limitations. My mother and I have always had a tricky relationship.
So, why should I expect more or better from my daughter? Letting go and accepting there will be consequences that may be difficult to cope with will result I'm sure. I reflect on my relationship with my mother and how I feel about that and it lets me see how my daughter may feel about me. It's not pleasant to realise that she may not like or love me, but why should she? She is a separate individual from me and makes her own choices. My choice is to decide how much I wish to involve myself with her and her complete unawareness of how hurtful she may be.
I have a son too, he lives with his family, a good partner and two more lovely grandsons a few hundred miles away now. We see each other maybe three times a year, but only because I keep in touch. Otherwise who knows. This is a long post, sorry for that. My thoughts now are that I will enjoy and make the best of my life, if my children want to be part of it on occasions of their choice I will welcome them with open arms and enjoy the moment. But I will no longer spend any time on wondering why, what or where I may have gone wrong and accept them as they are.

So sad ready some of these posts my dad died when I was 3 and I would have loved him to be there when I was growing up .i am lucky my children visit ring and bring grandchildren I must admit I have to bite my tongue at times but understand we are all different I have friends who have lost contact with offspring I class myself as lucky and hope it continues but relationships are very fragile at times hugs to all of you and a peaceful contented 2016 ?‍❤️‍?

Luckylegs, my heart goes out to you, I had the same kind of relationship with my mum, She was the one, who no matter what I did, found fault, hated my husband, was nasty to my son, but doted on my daughter, I kept building bridges , only for her to knock them down.
I used to ring, all the time, to be told she was dying her hair, or washing it,, or asleep, The summer holidays would come round, and I would ring to see if what day was good. for me to visit, her and my dad(who was the same kind of person) and her replies were, "I am at the doctor;s , I am at the hospital" So I never got to go, and then if I didn't ring, she would moan, or ring and say " I rang you yesterday, but you were out" even though I had been in all day!
I ended up going to councelor (spelt that wrongly) who told me , that this us what she thrived on, and it was doing me no good, that I should stop feeling guilty and get on with my life,and that is what I did! The guilt stayed for a while, but I felt better, My mum, passed away, five years ago, we still talked and she still upto her passing away, was vile to my son, husband and me , my daughter she liked, but even she said, "why does she have to be so horrible? "
So p;ease don't feel that you are in the wrong, Walk away for a while, let her realise that you are not a bad person , When she starts to yell etch, tell her calmly that you are not talking to her, while she is yelling, and walk out of the room, Sending you hugs xx

I am in the same situation at least 7 months each year, to make matters worse my daughter keeps to the arrangement of me having her baby as she works is in retail, I have the baby at least once each week. I have not had the courage to say I am not having my granddaughter as I so love seeing her. I am going to suggest anger management or general counselling as she is driving close people away all the time but know when I do I will lose my two grandchildren and her.

Oh, Dolly, how heartbreaking! After you were so determined not to have this sort of thing happen with your sons! Call me crazy but some things I think are "in the blood."

If some of what YS says sounds like his dad, then, sadly, he may be just like him. Or perhaps his dad has said things to your sons about you and YS believed him while OS didn't. Either way, YS obviously has developed some serious issues with you and perhaps you both need some space from each other to clear your heads.

As for the wills, it seems to me that YS was the one who was spinning things. He was all, "I don't want your money" until it looked like you might not leave him any. If I were you, I would do what I wanted. If you've been hurt enough by YS that you want to disinherit him or if you feel OS deserves to have it all, under the circumstances, then, by all means, go ahead and disinherit YS. But if you would still rather leave it equal, then do that. Or maybe "skip" YS and leave "his half" to his DD or split it among all your GC. Or maybe give OS a lump some gifts of money while you're still living and then divide in half what's left. There are all sorts of options.

The gifts to YS' D are tricky. I know her mother doesn't want to get involved here, but she could still remind her D to send a TY note for a gift. Maybe she does, though, and the girl doesn't listen. Maybe she doesn't send TY notes to anyone and it's not just you. IME, a lot of teens are remiss about that. So I would continue the gifts, for now, but I would have a cut-off point - 18 or 21 or whatever. If she wasn't thanking me by then, I would stop.

Either way, she and her dad may spin/twist it to say that you're "favoring" the others. Do you care?

In a way, reading these messages has helped because I am no longer alone with this problem.
I come from a wholly dysfunctional family where members of my extended family and close relatives often severed contacts with each other. I was determined this would not happen with my 2 sons. My marriage to their father lasted 13yrs and I worked full time from the youngest being 3 months old because of difficulties in our marriage.
After my first husband died about 20yrs. ago, my 2nd son began to put his father's memory on a pedestal and I never corrected him. My elder son took a different line and repeatedly told him that had I stayed with their father, they would have made nothing of themselves.

My sons are now in their 50's and me in my 70's. 3 years ago, my youngest son told me " you used to be an alright mother but with the passing of time, I am the only one who can see through you." He made some awful allegations against me and it almost sounded like his father was speaking to me. He said if I'd dare to go to his house, we would tell me the truth - "if I could take it." So I went and I knew no more when I left than when I arrived.
He told me not to contact him in any way and he didn't want any money from my will. Last year, I wrote and asked him if he is still of this opinion. His reply was 'more spin.' and that I should do the right thing and leave half to him and his brother.
My current concern is that this son has one daughter and I give each of my grandchildren the same amount of money for birthdays and Christmas.
All of my other grandchildren thank me for their gifts but this granddaughter doesn't make any effort to contact me and just takes the money. She is now 15yrs. old and I think she could just lift the phone. Her father (my son) is divorced from her mother and although her mother acknowledges the way I am treated by them both, understandably she doesn't want to get involved.
I sometimes cannot get to sleep trying to identify where I went wrong. I lead a very active life and I have many friends whom I have kept for many years. My other son is loving and kind and his response is to tell me not to worry in his words, "it's just our David." (not his name)

My heart goes out to you, Saphire - and your daughter! When a parent feels this much animosity towards their adult daughter (or son), it tells me there are serious problems that have been going on for a long time. Maybe it's a bad relationship between the two of them or maybe the tantrumy daughter has mental problems that she refuses to treat or whatever. But I know it must be a painful situation for both of you.

In the end, however, I know there comes a time when you (general) have to do what you have to do to protect yourself. And if that means seriously lowering contact with your daughter, taking some time off from the relationship or totally cutting her out of your life, I feel for you. Hope things are better for you in the New Year.

Not a case of daughter doesn't want mother in her life but that mother does not want daughter in her life, I am sorry to say. Widowed 18 months ago after 48 years of marriage, I am not prepared to put up with her whingeing, trouble-causing and verbal abuse any longer. I neither want and certainly do not need her appalling attitude and childish tantrums.