Passive aggressive behaviour from OH

Thanks for your comments, stansgran - good luck with your recovery after the hip op.

The thing is husband hasn't

Good post Stansgran - hope you continue to improve and no orgasms for a little while - please!

I'm at week six plus two days Tilly after a hip op and I was pretty stressed at week two. DH was and still is being extremely solicitous but I think it's getting to him. I've got back into routine a little but at week 2 DH was looking really drawn and I could only think about myself and becoming more mobile. So cut him some slack. We were just told oh and no sex for six weeks. Certainly no cartoons. I managed to make DH fall about when I wondered if I might dislocate the new hip by having an orgasm. Evidently my knowledge of human anatomy is zilch.
Your DH is probably pretty frightened by your helplessness especially if you were always very dynamic . If you overheard him say he felt unappreciated maybe that was on purpose. I've been making sure how everyone knows how fantastic DH has been and making sure it's overheard. I've thanked him on every possible occasion. Now six weeks later I'm still worried about my mobility so if I were you don't think about anything until you feel as though you could run a marathon.

GN is such a source of education and enlightenment

It's not a euphemism, it's its name - well, Rampant Rabbit actually...

I wondered too!

Definitely a euphemism.

I wondered why jingl suggested getting a rabbit. Seemed a bit odd for an older adult, along with hamsters and gerbils. I then remembered someone at work talking about them and the penny dropped

re the ED - a man I know had to have an operation on his bladder which caused ED, and the specialist said he could prescribe viagra if he liked. He and his wife decided not to bother.
Anyway after a hip op. you need to be careful about sex for a while - you don't want to dislocate your new hip When I left hospital we were shown cartoon films of safe positions - rather like the khama sutra!

Great to see you sounding a bit more positive, Tilly, hope you manage a good Christmas and make a prompt recovery. There is no rush to make life-changing decisions in the present circumstances. I endured an unhappy marriage for many years before divorcing. I have now been alone for 16 years and never happier!

Thanks for all your comments. Of course you're absolutely right that I shouldn't make major decisions whilst recovering - just thinking things through as I'm not able to get out and about.

I was rather offended by the "mountains out of molehills" comment - but, fair enough, you can only go on what I'd originally posted. Obviously the counsellor talked to us both about ways of dealing with situations, but she kept returning to husband's anger and temper - which he showed a couple of times in the sessions. He drinks a fair bit ( bottle of wine a night) - which may not be helping the ED.

This morning we had a cup of tea and I initiated a conversation about sex - he doesn't really like to talk about it, though clearly v wound up about it. He's agreed to go back to the doc and says he'll cut down on drinking.

The point about the long walk he went on was that we were only away together for 24 hours and were meant to be doing things together. He loves long walks and when we're away for a few days or more, that's fine. I'm v happy with my own company.

The friend I talk to has known husband since they were teenagers together, so knows him well. She worries for me as I get v unhappy and low at times. But obviously the communication has to be between he and I.

Reading others threads on this forum has helped me see the positives I have - my children are not estranged from me. And - once over this op - I'm generally in good health. I have an interesting part time job and a few good friends. And lovely lovely grandchildren

I'm with jingl on this as I've a similar problem with OH which I think stems from the very early stages of vascular dementia.

At present you need him until you are fully recovered. I'd never let a friend advise me on my marriage, that's a decision which can only be taken by you, and anyway needs to be left until you are up and running.

When you are again self sufficient then try some positive things yourself to see if it helps. Enjoy your breaks and encourage the long walks to give yourself some space. Plan joint projects on the house or garden and holidays. Invite friends and family round for suppers, drinks, chats. Get a hobby that gets you away from grumpy grogs. Get a dog. Tell him when he's being a pain, but prepared for denial (they are never in the wrong). Get separate bedrooms.

Men are over sensitive little flowers. Retirement can hit them hard as they lose their sense of something-or-other, and his ED won't have helped. And he might need more male company. Does he have a hobby? Meet with friends? Get a part-time job?

These are all things I've found helps with my Grumpy Old Fellow which stops me murdering him leaving him, though there are times I could. Then I just take myself off for a long walk or retire to my bedroom and feel sorry for myself and lose myself in a good book or go on GN.

Hugs to you, Tilly! So sorry you're dealing with this!

I agree that it's not the right time to make major decisions. Also, while you and DH have had problems for a long time, I'm sure having just had surgery doesn't help how you feel about things. Neither does the change in dynamics with his having to take care of you and so on.

ED doesn't help either, as you seem to understand, yourself. It must be very frustrating for him.

I don't know how long that's been a problem, of course. You say he tries to deal with it by taking long walks and so forth. Could that be why he took that long walk on that vacation? I know you think it was a PA way of saying he didn't want to spend time with you, but perhaps it was all about his own issues?

Hope you feel better soon and that your situation gets better overall.

I think that being poorly and following surgery we feel low and perhaps a little vulnerable, especially some of us women who are used to being capable.

We wish our dh would be more proactive but when a situation arises like this where we actually have to sit back and let them 'look after us' we don't want to be a burden/chore especially If dh gets impatient. Certainly for me if I'm unwell I can be aware of every nuance because being in need of help doesn't come easily to me.

Perhaps best not to make any big decisions until you are as well as you can be. Mind you, if my dh made a comment that he was getting no thanks for it I'd pull him on it...... dripping with honey.... """"of course I appreciate your help, you've been so good, though it wasn't nice to hear what you said. I do understand that while I am healing you are taking on such a lot and you are bound to find it very tiring and tiresome...""". etc etc.
Men are such babies and need praise.... I tell mine he is the best ever at doing xyz, when I could do it in half the time with my eyes shut.

I'd wait until the stage is over and you are well, and feeling stronger.

I feel for you really I do - understand exactly what you are going through Best advice though is to wait until you are recovered before making any major decisions and then, when you feel up to it, seek legal advice re splitting up It will make you feel better, and more able to cope in the meantime, if you promise yourself that that is what you will do when you are well again. No-one else needs to know your intentions at this stage. Good luck with your recovery - make sure you are not bullied into doing more than you can cope with - just say no, not today, maybe tomorrow....

I may be wrong, but not many men make good nurses.
It could be making him feel put-upon and irritable

I hope things improve as you become more mobile , but in the meantime you may have to be eternally grateful for every little thing he does and make him feel he is the most wonderful nurse, husband etc, in the world, even if he isn't.

If there is some love, or even affection, then you can get over the hurdles you mention.It's a question if having the will to go on though.We all change through the years in a long marriage , but that is no reason to give up on it.

As usual I echo Luckygirl's advice.I wondered what, if anything, the counsellor suggested you could do to help the situation and if you have tried to do it?

DH and I have been married for 45 years and have weathered storms etc but there is no way I would give up now. Surely, the good must outweigh the bad.

I would just keep nagging him about it, and carry on. You've been together 43 years. No point in jacking it in now. You've got a family. Would be a shame to spoil it. As for the erectile disfunction - get yourself a rabbit if you really miss it. Or just have fantasies, which can be very nice.

I like it when DH goes for long walks when we are at a nice holiday cottage, and leaves me in peace to enjoy the cottage and the garden.

Mountains out of molehills comes to mind. TBH.

Tilly - if you had your operation only 2 weeks ago it's too early to make any major decisions.
I've had a hip operation too, and it will be a few months before you're back to normal psychologically. That applies to your husband too. I remember that at the stage you're at now my husband couldn't wait until I was "back to normal" and at the time I felt he was bullying me into doing more than I felt capable of. I was very resentful.
Both of you getting older - it's not easy.

Holidays aren't real life though are they? My DH was renowned for being Grumpy in his younger days but never on our hols.

Is it important to you that he arranges trips etc? Does he know that?

Is it a battle you want to fight? It just seems to me to be a smallish thing when there must be bigger issues you want to fight .

It's important to have a sounding board in your friend but what she thinks doesn't really matter , she's not in your relationship and you are. With the best will in the world , she's your friend and will always empathise with you and rightly so, but you're in your relationship and will have to deal with your choices.

Maybe some breathing time is what you need most , while you recover .

What a difficult situation for both of you. You say that the counsellor gave your OH lots of advice as to what he might do differently, but have said nothing about what you were advised to do to help improve things. Relationships rarely fail because of one person's actions or inactions unless there is abuse - especially one that has lasted as long as yours.

Do not underestimate what it does to a bloke to have ED - is he getting some help with this; or are you quite happy for this side of life to dwindle?

I feel for both of you - it cannot be a happy time for either of you. I wonder if it might be best to be fully recovered from your surgery before making any major decisions. What do the 3 daughters have to say about it all?

Thanks mumofmadboys. Yes I've talked to my best friend - she thinks I should leave. Because I'm on crutches at the moment, husband us giving me lifts ( and making v heavy weather of it) - he's giving me a lift tonight and I could try and talk to him, but he sometimes gets v angry and defensive. I think the ED is having s big effect, coupled with already low self esteem - he's "dealing" with it by doing lots of physical activity ( long walks, cycle rides, gym, etc) - I guess to show how manly he is. I'm sure it seems so much worse at the moment because I'm not 100%

Thanks nanaandgrampy - I think you're right about the sticking plaster. The counsellor did say to my husband that there were several things he had to address, but he hasn't. At times I long to be apart from him but I also feel sad at the prospect of separating because of the time we've been together - and because at times we have fun ( especially on holiday) - but he never initiates these things or sorts them out. My closest friend thinks I should leave - as she's seen me be so unhappy.

Sorry things are difficult especially with Christmas upon us. It is bound to be hard when you've just had surgery and your husband is stressed with having to do more domestic stuff. After 43 years it would seem very sad to separate. Can you talk to your daughters at all or have you got a trusted friend or two? ED is very common in 60s and 70s but will have a really bad effect on an already low self esteem. Hang on in there and I hope things get better. All relationships have their ups and downs. Thinking of you.