Moving Countries

I was in the same position MamaguLiz,my daughter's American in laws wanted me to go and live there when their son died so that my daughter and children would also stay. I found rural America so difficult, distances were a problem nearest restaurant could be 100 miles away. The people were so kind and welcoming but it was not for me. The visa and health care issues need very careful consideration. What would you do if your daughter moved ?
Don't want to be a total pessimist as many people make the transition well but personally I could not do it.
I have since moved to France so not a xenophobe.

Thank you all for your input. In fairness to my DIL she wants the best for us and will not take advantage she is very kind. My son, now the only one as our younger son died in 1993, is desperate for us to move there (LA) as he worries terribly about us getting older and so far away. Healthcare is of course the BIGGEST concern and may make it prohibitive!

We are in a similar position and have thought of emigrating to NZ to see our small grandson's grow up but as others have pointed out it is a huge step to take. At one point my husband applied for a job in the US years ago - had it come off we would have gone leaving behind our parents and families. Now we're older and wiser and have come to realise that situations change and what seems idyllic now may not be further down the line. I've visited the US several times and work for a US company heavily involved in US healthcare. The health insurance over there is a big concern and one of the biggest outlays people have after their mortgages - could you cover this for the remainder of your life? As has been pointed out what would happen if a change in jobs resulted in your family moving state - you would be settled and may not want to follow them round. And although you may want to be heavily involved in your grandson's life (and any future grandchildren born over there) you may find you're not quite as hands on as you'd envisaged. All these thoughts have gone through our heads about emigrating to NZ and we feel we need to go out there a couple more times and for longer to make sure it is what we want to do. It also means leaving our other son and his family here - not something I feel I'm up to doing at the moment.

I agree it would be more likely you could visit for up to 6 months a year. Unless they are rolling in money and can bankroll you, it's very difficult to get permanent residency in the states.

Another consideration is the location. Larger city? More rural? Transportation is a huge huge issue. Depending on your age and level of comfort in driving over there, it could affect you in a few years. Public transport is pretty much non-existent except in large cities. If you get settled over there and then reach a point where you can't drive for one reason or another, that's going to have a huge impact on your life, especially if you are in a rural area.

Health insurance is a huge expense, and you need to look at not only the actual cost of the insurance, but the level of coverage that insurance will get you. Even very good coverage can leave you with co-pays of up to £25 just to be seen in A&E (ER), as well as co-pays for any medication. If you have (or develop) any medical conditions that require ongoing medication, that's going to be an expense to keep in mind.

Also important to check things like life insurance, to see if moving abroad changes the terms. I have seen this happen, so it's worth checking into. If you're paying a lower rate now due to locking it in while younger, you may be surprised at the higher rate you might have to pay if starting anew in another country.

Also a consideration is retirement homes/nursing home care for when you're older. I have an elderly relative in the states, and she's been paying on a policy that covers care for her in a nursing home when she reaches that point, but she's been paying on it for years. You've not been there for years to build up social security and it's unlikely you'd get medicare benefits (or whatever it's called now), so how would you cover this?

Is she looking for child care for her children and plans on utilising you for this? If so, what happens when you can no longer do child care for her or if you simply don't wish to do it at all. Will they withdraw financial support or decide they don't want to "sponsor" you over there? What are the restrictions you need to follow? Is this considered work and will it violate any laws if you are "working" in this way? Again, I'd get them to spell out exactly what it is they are expecting and then do some research, as it would be awful for you to make the big move and then find out you're in a bad place over there due to circumstances.

There are other options - frequent visits of long duration, inviting the grandchildren over for visits during holidays or the long (3 months!) summer holidays. If it's just for the grandchildren's benefit, consider also that as they get older and go off to university, how much time will they be there in reality, while they're off carving out their own lives?

American VISA law is very strict and from little I know about it I would think it very unlikely you could get permanent residency. Perhaps a special VISA that enables you to spend 6 months in the states but then requires you to leave for the same amount of time, would be more likely.

I'd certainly look into that first, if you couldn't move out there permanently then the decision's been made for you. Good luck.

I emigrated from the UK to New Zealand where my daughter and her family live about two and half years ago. I have no regrets and a wonderful life, although not always exactly easy and comfortable.

There are many issues about moving to another country. These include legal, for example. I have no idea about American residency visa law, but I would guess it is quite strict. It took us quite a long time and a fair amount of money to convince NZ Immigration that we would be okay people in NZ.

It costs quite a lot of money to move. Either you take stuff with you – which costs quite a lot of money – or you buy new stuff when you move – which costs quite a lot of money.

I was fairly familiar with NZ, having visited many times and loved the country. I moved to a part of NZ that I had visited before, staying for some months. I had a good idea where I was going. Moving to somewhere completely strange could be difficult, so if you don't already know the place where your family is planning to live, I suggest you make a lengthy visit to see what it is like.

Absentdaughter is my only child, so I wasn't leaving other kids or grandchildren behind. (Actually, I couldn't if I wanted to; as that was part of the visa requirement (central family/only child), but I have left behind much-loved members of my wider family and many much-loved friends.)

It is a huge step – and I would say that if you have doubts about doing it, then don't. If you ache to do it, but have concerns, then don't.

My first thought was, "When in doubt, do without." My second was, if the thought of being nearer your DS and baby GS doesn't have you champing at the bit to move, then maybe you shouldn't.

But I realize there are many other considerations, such as those mentioned by other posters. So even if you were enthusiastic about this idea, I would suggest taking your time to make the decision.

Also, are you sure both DS and DIL want you to move there? As "kind" as she may be, if DIL's heart isn't really in it, you may not find yourself seeing GS as often as you thought you would. Even if she's equally interested in your relocating, things may not be as you or your husband envision. For example, you may not get to babysit, as soon or as often as you'd like. Or you may be asked to babysit a lot, but not be included as often as you thought on family outings or special occasions. You may want to compare expectations before you make such a move. If yours or hubby's don't match with DS' and DIL's, most likely, you and hubby will have to adjust yours since they're GS' parents and all. If you go, it may end up being the greatest choice you ever made, but please give it careful thought beforehand.

Best of luck making this decision!

The first thing to clear up is the subject of health insurance like Penstemmon If you are newly arrived and not in work I could imagine it would be expensive.
It sounds attractive but in reality could be disappointing when the GC gets older. it sounds to me that the controlling DiL wants some free child care.
These days with insecure employment it is just more than possible that the young family move again.

One of our Gnetters emigrated to be with her family... not USA, she will be along at some point and I am sure she will have some advice for you MamguLiz.

The only thing about moving to be near DC is that they could move away again for work or whatever reasons. You either have to follow them again or you are stuck somewhere you may not want to be without them. If you have made a contented life there that is fine, but if you are far from home and all that you know it could be difficult in later years.

No experience of this but if it was me I would be tempted. Are they your only family?
There are lots of things to consider before relocating in USA or anywhere!. A major one, if it were me, would be healthcare/insurance. Would you need to make a total commitment or could you try a long 'holiday' of 6 mths to a year to make sure before finally committing? Do they need you for childcare? Are they worried about you on your own in UK?

It could be a great move and opportunity to be involved in your DGS life.

Good luck with the decision. Someone here must have made a similar move!

There are a million considerations , do you actually want to live in the USA being the most important. Are you retired or still working? can you afford it? Do you know anyone else apart from your son and DIL? Would you burn all your bridges here or maintain some kind of base in case it didn't work out?
With more information I'm sure the grans here will give you their thoughts.