Grandparents held to ransom

Anya, I am so glad you enjoyed your role ... my mum helped me out as I needed to go to work when my youngest were tiny, but we moved 140 miles away when the first two were 3 and 1. I think my mum loved having them (I worked 20 hours a week) and they were very bonded with her and they missed each other a great deal when we moved. Happily, some years later, when child number 3 was 1, we moved back a lot nearer and then had weekly visits and some weekend sleepovers. Not long after our return I found I was expecting number four and my mum absolutely loved being very involved again, right from the word go and was so close to her ...

I haven't felt too guilty because I really do believe my mum enjoyed her role and I am actually so upset that I cannot give the same help to my daughter because I work. I am signed off sick at the moment, but teach primary full time and I sometimes work a 70-hour week. It grieves me deeply that I won't be able to be as hands on.

As you say - it is about choice and if we do not want that, then that should be fine too.

Barbaralynne, I am so sorry that you have been made to feel you have let your family down. They should be cherishing you. xx

barbara that's a sad story

I will amend my previous post to 'it's all about choice and good health' as you should never, have been asked to do this.

When I was 65 I was diagnosed with breast cancer needing the fullworks - mastectomy, chemo, radiotherapy and then cancer medication for 5 years with loads of side effects from it all. My middle daughter asked me to go up to her to look after her 2 boys 6 amd 4 for a week so she and SIL could go away on holiday. I knew I couldn't manage - she told me how upset and disappointed she found that. Ever since I've been told I'm not a hands on granny, not a supportive mother and I've had this from her younger sister too who chose to live 260 miles away from us. I now have osteoarthritis in hips and find sitting in a car for several hours painful and tiring but they rarely visit so we have to go if we're to see our GC's. It relieves me enormously to read that I'm not alone with these problems.

Don't knock those who choose to take on full time child care. I chose to do this (for reasons I won't go into) and for several years had three little ones to look after (aged 1, 2 & 3, then 2, 3 & 4, then 3, 4 & 5) the 'baby' started school last September. I still do the school runs and after school care and overnighters.

Yes, it was tiring and limiting, but I'd do it again. I loved every minute of it and I have such happy memories and a great bond will all my grandchildren.

I was in my mid 60s when I took this on and happily in very good health. Still am

It's all about choice - if you don't want to do it, then make that clear. That's fine. But I stick to the bit about not volunteering - wait to be asked.

I confess that after spending 6hrs (occasionally more) 5 days a week doing child care I was slightly relieved when DD moved and I could no longer do this even though by that time the oldest was at school and younger one at preschool afternoons.

I didn't know how to say no in the first place, and felt it was what GP needed to do as my mum used to have mine while I worked but that was only 2 hrs a day.

Not a rant at all - it is eye-opening to me. My mum became a gran at about the same age as me - 52 - and was well and had plenty of energy, but I know she also got tired and looking back, I also know I took her for granted many times, not uncaringly - but because she was so generous - I didn't stop to think! It is only in later times that I realised and have told myself I will try to do what I can with the same loving spirit, to pass on the sense if support she gave to me, but work alone means I will not be able to be as helpful.

Grandparenting roles are indeed very changed today - I am not needed at all this week as SIL is on paternity leave ... my mum was on my doorstep the day I came home from hospital and her support was very much appreciated right away. She was very much loved and respected.

Not a rant at all - it is eye-opening to me. My mum became a gran at about the same age as me - 52 - and was well and had plenty of energy, but I know she also got tired and looking back, I also know I took her for granted many times, not uncaringly - but because she was so generous - I didn't stop to think! It is only in later times that I realised and have told myself I will try to do what I can with the same loving spirit, to pass on the sense if support she gave to me, but work alone means I will not be able to be as helpful.

Grandparenting roles are indeed very changed today - I am not needed at all this week as SIL is on paternity leave ... my mum was on my doorstep the day I came home from hospital and her support was very much appreciated right away. She was very much loved and respected.

My grandchildren are now grown apart from the youngest who lives abroad and while they were growing up I was working full time and my daughters had no expectations of me helping with childcare as I worked long and often unsocial hours, of course emergencies if I were able I would step in but most of my time with the grands was fun time and sleepovers I never did it as a chore and we all have great memories of this time.

I think its such a shame when grandparents feel obliged to take on the caring role even though they love their grandchildren it can become a chore and much of the fun goes out of it when its daily and we are all ageing and slowing down. A friend retired early although it did suit her to do so, she took on caring for her granddaughter several days a week but a year later she's finding out the pitfalls of spending days alone with a 2yr old and although she hides it well , she now finds that she is having to juggle her own holidays to fit in with her caring role when she should be free to go away whenever she wants.

spot on Thatbags - full time care is not being a GP it is being a carer or nanny - very different beasts and with very different rules. I think it is very odd that parents assume that GPs will be delighted to have a toddler for whole days at a time. I want to be a grandparent with all that it means - ie treats, being naughty sometimes, there in any emergency etc etc. As mothers have their babies later and later, we are approaching our 70s and changing nappies on a hefty child is no mean feat. (In my case, knee replacement, shoulder reconstruction etc etc) Potty training is now unheard of at the age ours were out of (terry) nappies. Parents may assume we have time on our hands, but we have worked for over 40 years and some of us are still working and our time is precious too. We have a social life and friends etc etc. Obviously if times are hard and help is essential that may be different, but in choosing to have children they must understand that the responsibility for their care is down to the parents. Increasingly round here I see mothers going back to work not for the money but to escape the mindless exhaustion of hours and hours of childcare. However they are happy to pass this on to their much older parents. Strangely it seems to be daughters in law rather than daughters that do this more. My mother worked full time and I would no more have expected her to give up her job to look after my children than to fly to the moon. Luckily my DDs totally get it and always ask in good time if they need help or babysitting etc and never expect it as a given. I see my DGC almost daily and I know I am lucky. Sorry for rant but the number of my friends who are shattered by tiredness is growing and they are too frightened to protest.

Yes, and different grandparents have different expectations.

Some want to be full, hands-on 'I'll change that smelly nappy' grans, and 'yes, I'll have her full time while you go back to work'.

Others would like to see them occasionally, preferably after the dirty nappy and snotty nose eras, and just for a short visits when it suits them.

Most are somewhere on a continuum between these.

But beware of jumping in with offers. I've found from experience it opens you up to being taken for granted and labelled 'interfering' (even when that's not your intention) - wait to be asked, then the onus is on them and you are the one doing them the favour. This way you will be appreciated.

Yes - I had indeed assumed that my MIL would love to feel included - my mum was happy to do more, but I had wanted to appear even-handed.
Then I was upset because I felt not only my best efforts, but also my child, were being rejected - oh we are a delicate lot!

Thirty years on I am trying to work out what time I can make available to my DD and already learning she may not want all of it!

Learning curve again x

I think that one of the times that difficulties arise is when assumptions are made about what someone else will want to take on. Not every grandparent wants to take on childcare even if they are judged by others to have the time to do it. I think it's worth remembering that childcare by grandparents is not obligatory so it should never be assumed that a grandparent will want to do it on a regular basis.

Nearly every grandparent will want to help out in emergencies, of course, but I'm talking about long term, non-emergency commitmentsin the previous paragraph.

How right you are - every school report I had described me as 'enthusiastic' - yes, it can be a good thing, but I am reigning in - thanks GN!

Like being a parent for the first time (who remembers how scary that first night home with baby?) being a first time grandparent doesn't come with instructions.

We sort of assume we'll be needed and jump into the roll enthusiastically. Possiblly over- enthusiastically?

This is where GN is very helpful, giving hints on how to adjust to that role, and ease ourselves into grandparenthood, hopefully sidestepping the pitfalls which we didn't know would be there.

As another newbie here who has read around lots of posts, I have been really saddened to read of the ongoing complexities and heartache some GPs are facing - and for a variety of reasons. It is so sad to read of loving actions being misinterpreted and people feeling estranged / undervalued.

I am aware of a huge variety of factors which can lead to relationships becoming strained on both sides of the DD/DIL and GP fence.

I was so willing to be a good DIL when I got married, but sadly my MIL always kept me at arms length and complained about being put out when asked to look after my first GC for one day a week when I returned to work - she was a full-time housewife with grown and flown children and no particular responsibilities outside the home and I had assumed she would be pleased and feel the privilege of being assked to share equal childcare rights with my own mum ... sometimes there is no winning and both sides can feel this acutely.

Now I am on the GC side ... I am already seeing that the rules are very different for the new generation of parents and I will not be needed in the way I needed my mum. and indeed, I will not be able to give the same amount as I will be working fulltime. A fellow, much more experienced granny told me yesterday that she has found her DD is much more likely to chat online to friends / look something up on the internet, than ask for her mum's advice. All change then ... I just hope I can keep up and exercise enough sensitivity to get the important things right!

rosesarered I agree. I can see that it might generally be better to keep quiet, rather than risk a huge argument, particularly if a particular family member is quick to take offence. However, I don't agree with the idea I've seen some posters previously express - that grandparents should be, in a sense, "seen but not heard", i.e. be available at all times but never allowed to venture an opinion.

Cherrytree59 It seems to me that you are rather taken for granted and a little more appreciation wouldn't go amiss. I hope you have some chance to relax and regain your strength over the next few days.

Florentine I hope it's some comfort to know you are not alone.

Although I think grandparents shouldn't give unsolicited advice, I do think that sometimes we should speak out, we are not utter doormats to our children after all.It is unfair for them to expect help at the drop of a hat, but are never allowed an opinion.

cherrytree you must allow time for yourself however much you love the DGC.Does your DD work full time? it sounds as if you are doing an incredible amount for not much in the way of thanks.

Yes know what you mean
My DD partner works away. 8 days away 6 days home.
They have 2 year old and 12 month old boys whom I love dearly.
Up till now I help out on all 8 days. They all stayed with me over xmas as partner only up for xmas day.
It was an exhausting time as they all had colds and coughs
On the last day it ended in DD shouting at me and then cold shoulder.
So I resolved that I was going to do less , however got panic phone call to say. Little 1 year old had high fever and were taking him to hospital. Could we come over to look after other GS. We were on our way asap of course. We also took him back to our house so they could concentrate on poorly one. That's what Grandparents are for. I've now been asked if I can have oldest one over night one night a week which I've agreed to. But I'm not going to go tomorrow as I am exausted and have things I need to sort out.
I am dreading the reaction but going to try and have wednesdays off in future.

Welcome Florentine! I think it's good that you decided to post here! It's a very supportive place.

And oh, dear, you are definitely not alone! Many of us GPs here walk on eggshells, whether with our DDs, DSs, DILs or SILs. This is partly, I think, cuz young people these days are likely to push GPs away or cut them off entirely for "offenses" we older folk often thought were "normal" or just something we had to put up with. Sadly, as you may have seen, some of the GPs here have already become estranged from their AC (adult children), CIL (children-in-law) and GC.

Fortunately for me, I don't have it as bad as some. But there are days I really have to watch my words. Through trial and error and what I've gleaned here on the Web, I've learned to avoid giving unsolicited advice, especially criticism, and to only answer briefly and to the point, even when asked for advice. If it has to do with my GC's care, often I find it best just to suggest that they ask their pediatrician instead. So much has changed that even I think that some of my ideas are outdated (sigh).

But I don't know if any of those are your issues. Do you feel comfortable telling us what has made your GP journey seem so "treacherous?" I'll bet you'll find others here who are facing the same things.

You are definitely not alone; and being a grandparent is a skill - and a minefield at times! I think that "held to ransom" is a bit strong though! - but we do have to play by their rules as regards the GC. They are worth it.