Grandparents held to ransom

What a lot of interesting stories. Things have changed a lot since I was a mum. Both sets of grandparents lived too far away to see my children more than a couple of times a year. Now I see my DGC all the time and yes I am taken for granted especially by the Mums but I think it is worth it.

Despite rows between two DSs and their ex's I have managed to stay neutral for the sake of the DGC and I think I am still trusted but my tongue is raw from biting it!!

Echoing Wendysue's sentiments, Cher53.

My father was not a very good dad, but he was a brilliant grandfather and lavished all the affection he had struggled and frequently failed to show me onto his grandchildren. This drew me closer to him. And he must have reflected for himself - never changed a nappy for his own five children and expected my mum to 'do it all', but he really did help out a lot when mine were tiny. I have often heard of grandparenthood being a parent's second chance to get things right and I think this was very true for him.

It's good to read such a beautiful, genuine post, Cher. I think a lot of GPs have mixed feelings about watching their grands, especially when it's a lot. It's not unusual, I don't think, to love taking care of you grands (I know I do), but wonder, sometimes, what happened to all your other plans for this time of life (I know I do). I'm called upon frequently enough that DH and I can't go away, just the two of us, very often. When we do, we feel compelled to tell our DGC's parents weeks in advance, to give them ample time to find another sitter. Maybe we do too much to accommodate our DDs and their families. But we feel we're only doing it cuz of the DGC, who we enjoy so much, LOs who can't help out much and don't have a voice. Totally know where you're coming from.

It made me think that because I had to go straight back to work, teaching full time, when my daughter was only 6 weeks old (that was how it worked in those days) that is the reason I'm happy to childmind my grandchildren. Missed out on her early days so making it up years later.

That was a lovely post straight from the heart Cher

I am in the position that I did not really want to do childcare all over again but due to circumstances I have had to help out with my grandchild. My son-in-law is about to be made redundant from the factory he works in and that leaves my daughter the sole earner. Paid for childcare is out of the question. The other grandparents are already looking after grandchildren, so when my daughter had her baby, they were not willing to take on any more childcare (which I completely understand, but also admit I think their own children take advantage). They do watch their other grandchildren a lot. Don't get me wrong, SIL looking for work but it is not easy and there is far stiffer competition for jobs now, especially where we live.

I felt when husband and I retired we would go holidays but he then went back to work part-time and to be fair, he loves watching our grandchild and is a super grandfather. He now does not seem bothered by holidays, but I am lucky I can get him away in the UK twice a year and I know that is more than a lot of people have. I am left wondering what happened to our plans for an easy life, I do not think there is any such thing.
I try to keep my interests up and have a few niggly health issues but to be fair my daughter and her husband do not take advantage. My daughter did ask before she returned to work and is very understanding of the fact that we are older and I am not as fit, her and her husband do the bulk of childcare when they can. I know they would face real problems if I said I wasn't doing it and I just cannot do that. I love my little grandchild, decided to make the best of it and when she is a little older I have a list of places to take her and things to do. I am fortunate as I do not watch her every week, though some weeks we have her 3-4 days, thankfully no overnights. I am fortunate that my husband and I can manage things together and he makes sure that I am not left with the bulk of the childcare. I have not felt 'held to ransom' or anything like that.
I think a bit of me resented the fact that when my children were young I had wanted to return to work and husband was dead against it, I was to stay at home which foolishly I did to keep the peace. However, we learn from our mistakes and when we took on the childcare role I said I had interests , friends etc and I was not giving up my life again. I think that is why husband takes more of a role now, we did some have hellish rows but in the end I felt it wasn't worth destroying the family over. I feel appreciated for what I do. My grandchild is an absolute gift and hopefully I have been able to move on. The one thing I agree with is the tiredness, it is definitely a role for the young and fit. As for these women having IVF in their 50s and 60s to have children, I think they are off their heads.

Oh and thanks, Granarchist!

Synonymous, somehow, I missed reading your earlier post. Just want to say that I'm totally awed by the approach you suggested to babaralynne. You are a very wise lady!

I'm just recovering from looking after our two sets of grandchildren at different times over the Christmas holiday. I am very willing but find I get so tired, especially with the little ones. DH and I have made it clear over the years that we are ALWAYS here in an emergency but not available for regular childcare as we do have a life of our own, friends to see etc. This has never been a problem. We are also happy to babysit or to have DGC overnight occasionally. Getting older does make you realise, though, that parenting is mainly for the young(er) and fit(ter)!

barbaralynne I am so sorry to hear about your own DM and am surprised that your DDs have not cottoned on to the fact that it could be in their genes too. There is a service available on the NHS called Predictive genetic tests for cancer risk genes (google it - I would give the link if I was not technologically challenged ) where families can consult and find out if the next generation has the same possible future and in your efforts to increase understanding it could be part of your approach to suggest this to them. If nothing else it may encourage the development of empathy! Heaven forbid that this is an inherited gene but if it is when your GC produce their families they will also be in the same position as your DDs are in now and it would be so sad if the same lack of understanding and empathy prevailed through another generation.
Do remember that it is not your DM's fault that you have this problem and neither will it be yours if they have it too and none of you should have any truck whatsoever with the blame game.

It is interesting how our life experience is never a waste and it is good to pass it on. Also "a gentle answer turns away wrath" is so true! If there are no recriminations for anything this will certainly help to gently knit you all back together.

I hope that your on-going treatment produces good results and you manage to cope with it well enough to enjoy as good a quality of life as possible. Do let us know how you get on please.
Blessings and

I was 56 when I started looking after 8 month old DGD five days a week. That was ten years ago and I don't regret a minute of it. DS drops her off at about 7.30 each morning and picks her up at 5.30. In between there are the school runs during term time and fun things during holidays. Like Anya and others, it was my choice and I will be eternally grateful that DS and DDiL trusted me with her. I can honestly say there has never been a time when I have felt that I was being taken advantage of, or that I have had to bite my tongue. On top of that DGD and I have an amazing bond and I cannot imagine my life without her in it.

Synonymous thank you so much for your wise advice, I hadn't thought of that approach. My own DM died from breast cancer when I was about 3 so my DD's have known about the effect of this disease. I'm still being treated and will be for another 3 years yet so side effects continue but I try to live lifeas full as I can. I was diagnosed with cancer-related fatigue in October and given leaflets to send to all 3 DD's - none of them said anything to us! But I really think your suggestions are worth trying - it's not going to make things worse and may well help. And yes, my DH has been brilliant and has had no support from any of them. But thank you everyone for your care. I have learnt that friends can make such a difference.

We live in the same small town as my daughter, Sil and DGD and are the only babysitters. My daughter gave up her job to have the baby, and now does a (very) few hours a week yoga teaching. Sil is self-employed and tends to work irregular days and long hours.
Anyway, we do loads of babysitting, with sleepovers most weeks depending on sil's work. While it's lovely to enjoy such a close relationship with the wee one, I do feel a bit cheated of our retirement. Where are all the impromptu holidays we thought we'd have? I feel we have to book anything well ahead so they have advanced warning of potential babysitting issues! Sometimes this doesn't work as the Sil seems to ignore it and book shifts anyway which then leaves us feeling terrible.
We gave up walking of egg-shells a while ago ... now we do what we like with her and say nothing! This may change when the wee one finds her voice of course!!!
In saying that, I'm quite sure my own parents gave things to my daughter that would have horrified me ... the butter and sugar sandwich comes to mind!!! ?

Spot on Wendy Sue.

Cherry, I'm going to chime in with the others and say that you need and have a right to take care of yourself. If you and DH definitely choose to watch your GC, then I suggest working out a schedule with DD and sticking to it. Of course, I know you may make exceptions in emergencies but that's it, I hope.

Maybe you should have a limit on how many days you're willing to watch your grands, too? After all, look how the 8-day visit ended up - not good for you OR DD and so forth!

"We also took him back to our house so they could concentrate on poorly one. That's what Grandparents are for."

It's great that you were there for them that way! But I don't agree that this is necessarily "what Grandparents are for." As PPs have shown, every GP is different. Like many GMs here, I adore babysitting my DGC and have done it often. But I don't think parents should take our help for granted.

Barbaralynne, my heart goes out to you! And my prayers are with you, as far as you health is concerned. I'm sorry your DDs aren't more understanding. I'm glad it helps to see you're not alone. (((Hugs!)))

I agree one day plus sleepovers and some Sunday lunches is about right. When DH and I were much (much) younger we took on 3 month old Gs two days a week. I was really up for it all although worried about having to look after such a small baby again. I was also sole carer for DM at that time, and over the next year we became really tired, and there were various health problems, eventually we had to say we could only do one day, I felt awful, but once things settled down it was much easier. We then went on and had 2 small Gd's for the five years before they went to school, plus various family holidays.

Of course now they all go to school I sort of wish I had had them more, guess thats human nature!

Dh and I have 2 dgc 8 and 5 for one day childcare, from 7am - 6.30 pm. We provide breakfast, do school runs, provide dinner, do homework and get them ready for GB. It's a very long day.

They also come to us for Sunday roast dinner + 2 other dc, and we do sleepovers so parents can go out,

Love them to bits but don't want more than one day.

As we were renting, before my late husband died. I am actually living with our older son while in the process of finding my own dwellings. Hence to interfere with my dear son would be out of the question. Although, over Christmas and last night, they have been having such difficulty, either getting my grandaughter to sleep or if she wakes up in the night. I believe I understand the reason but what can one say.
We are hoping, like last term, now that she has returned to school, she will become too tired to wake up.

Sorry, should've said that we have chosen to look after the children - it wasn't just expected of us. In fact both daughters were surprised but so pleased when I said I'd had enough of paid employment!

I'm actually retiring early at the end of Jan to look after 2 DGC when my 2 daughters' maternity leave finishes, one in Sept and then one in Dec (the babies be 9 months and 1 year old by the time we have them). My husband is already retired and looks after our 2.5 year old granddaughter. He loves every minute of it and we can't wait to look after the new babies (the 2 year old will be at preschool by then.)
I've always worked and my mum looked after my children. I'm thrilled to be able to do it for my daughters. I know it'll be tiring but it will be well worth it!

barbaralynne I hope you are recovering well from your breast cancer and all the treatments that went with that. I also hope that your own DDs never have to find out now debilitating it is and also that you managed to tell them that you too were disappointed and upset not to be able to do as much as you once could. Being a hands on Granny and a supportive mother does not carry specific jobs in the criteria and can vary enormously so just be patient and await the opportunities which will come and that you can manage.
My life has not taken the course I expected but then it rarely does. My DDIL has never made me feel less than the other granny although that lady herself has sadly taken all opportunities to do so. She has been really fit until just recently and then her own recent health problems have made her feel her own mortality and she has shown more understanding and actually spoken to me as a person. I think this is the problem that younger people often have as they too are generally fit, well and have energy and many lack understanding and empathy. At that stage one doesn't realise how vulnerable or how one's life can change in a split second and we wouldn't wish it on them either.
It wouldn't hurt, if you get the opportunity, to gently say to your DDs that you appreciate that they grieve for what they feel they have lost due to your own ill health and that you empathise with that as you are also grieving for what you have lost in health terms and being physically able to do all the things you would all want. Perhaps you could even let them know how thankful you are to DH for all his loving care and support.

Sadly this is an age of such egocentricity.

My DGC show me such love and care and we had a lovely time at Christmas. For example my DD organised her nephews and me in making mince pies all together and we had such fun and most of that was because I allowed them to make a mess and do it their way. (Not enough energy to do anything else but hey!) I am also the granny that sits down while she makes lovely porridge! Small things but hopefully they will remember happy things like that.

Anya I would never knock any GP who chose to take on full time childcare but it should be their choice not duty. As you say health is a major factor.
As much as I love my DGC I did find them very tiering.

I also chose to help with childcare, and have looked after my two grandchildren since I retired two years ago. Dd works full time, and sil is with the emergency services so works shifts - this means I don't have them five days a week every week. Since I worked full time when my children were little I am cherishing every school play, sports day, mums and tots etc. I am feeling a little sad as from tomorrow the youngest starts nursery five mornings a week. I sympathize with tiredness ( Having just been told to 'wake up Nanny!')and am lucky to be both healthy and appreciated.

I recently had contact with my DGCs nursery for some research they were doing, when we were chatting the staff told me that there is currently some research showing GPs who care full time for their DGCs are likely to suffer from depression. I am lucky in having some caring responsibilities but not too much or too often. I think full time care must not only be hard work but a bit like being stuck in a time warp taking you back to things you thought you had left behind. Found this link for anyone looking for help
www.grandparentsplus.org.uk/looking

Anya - I absolutely agree with you - its all down to choice and different personal circumstances but there is no doubt that there are some GPs who feel they cannot admit to being reluctant to provided permanent care for fear of being labelled 'uncaring'. Barbaralynne - that is just plain awful. Someone needs to have a quiet word with your DDs - I do hope the situation changes for the better.