Shall I take a back seat in daughter's marriage

Dear Bluebelle,

I understand your predicament - as the divorced single parent who did all the right things and was the one who rasied my family, it was hard for me when my eldest daughter announced that she wanted her dad to walk her down the aisle and give the FOB speech at her wedding.

I went through a range of emotions before the event. I wasn't given the choice of walking her down the aisle, so whilst I understand how difficult this must feel for you, I think your daughter has shown some respect in asking you to do this.

Perhaps you need to give yourself time to mull this over and keep your options open for a while as your feelings may change from an initial reaction of a definite 'can't do'.

My daughter asked for the wording ' Who gives this woman to be married?' to be changed to 'who beings this woman to be married?' and I felt that was an appropriate shift.

I dreaded some aspects of my daughter's wedding day in some ways as I felt I needed to be very gracious, but it was really ok - full of joy and great support from loved ones who knew the score and really affirmed me.

I am sure there will be much joy for you too - you are clearly a very loving parent.

Bluebelle in your last paragraph you would seem to have it sussed. Just enjoy the day and be happy for her. As for the walking down the aisle part of the day she clearly wants to be even-handed and not tip the balance towards her father. In the scale of things it will take only a few minutes to do but a lifetime of hearing that 'my DM wouldn't walk with me ........ ' etc. You need to think about that aspect and perhaps be really gracious.
You also seem to be aware of her character and know how to deal with that too.
You have obviously worked hard over the years to give you and your DD a firm base. You have kept the peace and have earned the respect she is now giving you.
The only thing I would suggest to you is that it is now time to make time just for you, look to your own future, make sure you don't let it be hijacked, and ensure that you plan so that you can have some really golden years.

All I would like to add is that there is no going back.
One day in the future you may wish that you had accompanied your DD down the aisle.

Oh I wish I had had the chance to walk any of my DDs down the aisle - I was very jealous of my OH doing this - it was so lovely. Jump at it! - grab it with both hands!

I think (and hope) that I would be able to say "yes, I'd love to" to my DD if given the option regardless of who else she chose to accompany her - as others have said it might be something you bitterly regret if you say no. So, from my point of view, I think you should do it. Take a large spoonful of bicarb of soda beforehand to help you to "rise above it"

She has suggested that I walk her down 'the aisle' with my ex. There is no way I can do this.

If that's the case, I'm not sure I understand what question you're asking, Bluebelle - do you mean should you let bygones be bygones with your daughter, or your ex?

I think it's odd for the mother to walk the bride down the aisle anyway. But I am olkd fashioned. Just go and enjoy the wedding. Why would it mean "taking a back seat"? You are still her mum.

Both mother and father walking her down the aisle might look as though you are keen to get rid of her.

I note from the likes of Royal weddings that the seating is always as if no divorce has ever taken place.
There is no question of "giving" anybody away in a civil ceremony, so if you say you have managed to achieve a "workable relationship" with your ex , surely this could extend to walking a few yards on either side of your DD if that is what she wishes. She is the daughter of BOTH of you. To stand back at this stage would look grudging.
A wedding involves all the family (if it can without fisticuffs) so I think you should be gracious, look stunning and bite back what you would really like to say or do to your ex.

This is slightly off topic but I would now object in principle to the idea of being "given away" by anyone as they did not own me.

I would imagine you could change even a church service to leave out the who "gives away" clause. They allow couples to leave out the "obey bit" Your daughter is not a young bride and has been in a previous relationship.
Why not both walk down the aisle? IMO its a way of you standing up for yourself and the the the work you have put in over the years.

If you decide to walk with your daughter, with of, course, your head held high, you'll have a lot of moral support behind you from people on here.

If you decide not to you'llfind understanding, also from people on here.

My feeling is that you should go for it if you feel able and may regret it if you don't.

Thank you for your helpful comments. They have reminded me that the wedding is not about me, but my daughter and I'm obviously happy to fit in with that. However her original plan was for FOB to walk her down the aisle, to which I perhaps over-reacted but it is the traditional thing. My feeling now is to let them get on with it and he can make the traditional speech (which he will be no good at) and I can sit back and enjoy the day. I suppose I wanted acknowledgement that I brought her up and that it should therefore be solely me who walks her down the aisle and make the speech. I really would find it extremely difficult to share this role with the man who treated us so badly in the past and for the sake of the wedding's smooth running, am now considering it would be better to refuse to do this (with a smile of course).
Perhaps these things aren't so important in a registry office anyway and I making too much of it?

Hi Bluebelle, no - your feelings are real and natural because of your history. As others have said, you just need to consider the impact on your long term relationship with your daughter if your answer is a 'no'.

I found there were a few parts of the wedding where I had to 'pin the grin' but they are a distant memory - more a case of me being worried about coping than harbouring resentment - it was still a truly joyous day and memorable for purely good reasons.

Quite spontaneously, I gave a little speech at my daughter's Hen (restaurant meal). I knew I didn't want to give a speech at the wedding, although she had invited me to do so - I felt it would seem like a competition - but at the hen night meal I was invited to speak and therefore had my opportunity to say words about her growing up and to celebrate with my thoughts on the lovely young woman she had become. That felt good and helpful to me, As I say, it was spontaneous, but I did seize the moment!

I understand there is 'no way' you feel you can do this and I think it shows a certain lack of sensitivity on the part of your daughter.

Smile sweetly and decline. Blame it on tradition (after all it is usually only the father who walks the bride down the aisle) if you want an out. Put any spin on it that you like, so you make it a friendly 'no'.

You literally don't have to take a back seat, you'll be there on the front row after all - I hope.

Welcome Bluebelle!

I think your feelings are totally valid, no matter where the wedding is being held. And you definitely have my sympathies.

Like PPs (previous posters), I think DD (dear daughter) is trying to be fair. But it just goes to show how tricky "fair" can be.

So I agree with Anya that, given your strong feelings about this, you should just decline while smiling "sweetly" and "blame it on tradition." If you suspect DD will see through you or if you, somehow, feel compelled to let her know (nicely) that this is too hard for you, then perhaps you can go another route - ask her if you can break with tradition and give a speech of your own. The last few weddings I attended all had all parents give a little speech, so this may not even seem that unusual to DD. She might say no, of course.

Whatever happens, please just enjoy the day!

Isn't it interesting how sharing concerns to people who understand can help sort your own head out, particularly when these are consolidated in writing. I can't tell you how grateful I am to those of you who have responded! I have always been independent (probably too much) and had a somewhat fractious relationship with my daughter over the years. I am now thinking that if she does want the ex, who's only negatively contributed towards her for his own benefit (eg use the car I bought for her), and to walk her down the aisle then let them get on with it. I shall smile and be proud of her but if they want money from me, apart from as a present, or for me to make a speech, they can take a running jump .... I shall just enjoy the day and try to be supportive to her. Many thanks to you all for your insightful input.

As a child of divorced parents and as a divorced parent myself I can see all sides here. My mum didn't want my dad to walk me down the aisle when I married for the first time so I caved in and let my brother do the job but I can't forget the look on my dad's face. I've always regretted it and sadly he had died by the time I married for a second time.

When my son married last year neither of us were needed for official duties but there were still awkward moments for me such as when my ex (divorced nearly 35 years) refused to speak to me (he left me so what's his problem?)

So my question is this: would it be awful to walk down the aisle on one side of your daughter even if your ex is on the other side? It won't take more than a few minutes and you won't be sitting on the sidelines thinking he doesn't deserve to be the proud father of the bride because you'll be actively involved. This is a special day, let the past stay out of it. Call a truce for 24 hours and take the moral high ground. Enjoy your daughter's wedding. Life really is too short...

This, perfect answer:

So my question is this: would it be awful to walk down the aisle on one side of your daughter even if your ex is on the other side? It won't take more than a few minutes and you won't be sitting on the sidelines thinking he doesn't deserve to be the proud father of the bride because you'll be actively involved. This is a special day, let the past stay out of it. Call a truce for 24 hours and take the moral high ground. Enjoy your daughter's wedding. Life really is too short...

bravo. That would indeed be grand and loving.

Mollie, Well said!