Rememberance of those we have lost

Lyndyn I think the first anniversary is a bit different.
I'm sure your SiL would appreciate knowing that you were thinking of her - perhaps you could say you are free that day, if she wanted to go out anywhere, but you would understand if she wanted to be alone.

Thanks for your responses it is very helpful to get others views
My eldest brother used to do it for my SIL on or near her anniversary, he also lost their daughter to the same cancer only 23 months later (39 with girls of 18 months and 5). His sisters brother also died from the same cancer 3 years later. So it has been a set of circumstances you would not wish on anyone.
We were also particularly close as families, my nephew said recently that our home was his universe when he was growing up.

I did feel that I and my family should attend but I did not like it at all. So I told my nephew how I felt and the invites have stopped. Not sure if it just to me, but she was like my sister (three brothers!!!!) and rarely does a day go by when I do not think of her, but they are happy memories of the good fun n laughter we shared.

We lost the elder of our identical twin girls, so I am not a stranger to loss, and both sets of parents are gone now. I do still howl on the anniversary of her death, but do it alone. I obviously know that my hubby n children remember her on that the day, but we do not discuss it only give one another a real or virtual hug. With my parents I have so many happy memories to cherish, and my youngest brother n I talk of doing something next year on what would have been Dads 100th birthday, and Mums 99th.

My 2nd eldest brother died nearly a year ago of IPF at 65, it hit me like a sledgehammer, always 4 of us.....

So I am wondering how to support my SIL next week, she is 58, with one son, and they had --as everyone does ---planned a wonderful retirement together. So I suppose that was why I posted this. Is the first anniversary different? We see a lot of one another so I do not want to upset her by not offering to go out for lunch or just spend time with them on the day. I was the last person to see him in hospital before he died suddenly 5 hours later.

I think DIL and family do something which was significant to her DF, climb a particular small mountain, go to his favourite pub etc, share happy memories.

Or having a get-together. Sounds rather maudlin to me.

I've never heard of anyone doing this. I think of my parents every single day and even after all these years find the anniversaries of their deaths hard. The last thing I'd want to do is sit around discussing it with anyone

My family don't do this, I do remember quietly; however, DIL's family do remember her father and get together at that time.

I try not to remember. It was in May 2003. He was 59 I was 58.

I lost my husband when he was 46 (I was 42). He died from a heart attack. My daughter and I do mark his anniversary but we have always done something nice - from picnics to taking my grandchildren to the funfair or swimming or similar. We celebrate his life, not his death, and talk about the daft things he used to do, such as his efforts at DIY which always began with a bet between my daughter and me as to whether it would end in a one plaster, two plasters or trip to hospital for stitches!

We do not do this as a family.

We don't have a formal get together but we all remember. We speak of those we have loved and lost often and in a normal way. However the whole family is taking a weeks holiday in May starting ( unintentionally) on the anniversary of Fils death last year. When Mil realised she was horrified. Personally I feel it will better to be busy doing something nice than sitting around thinking about it.

Suspect that different people do things differently. Are you coerced into joining your family on this particular anniversary? Could you explain that you'd rather do it in your own way?