1st Grandchild's Christening

I think you are judging now ab. We can't know what goes on in another's marriage.

Repentance isn't involved
The word “forgive” means to wipe the slate clean, to pardon, to cancel a debt. When we wrong someone, we seek his or her forgiveness in order for the relationship to be restored. It is important to remember that forgiveness is not granted because a person deserves to be forgiven. Instead, it is an act of love, mercy, and grace.

Both not hurting Anniebach? One thinks his marriage ended because of an affair and refuses to socialise with new partner, the other says
"he does accept his failings as a husband and father"
and
"has formed good relationships with them which cannot be said in respect f their own father."
How much more hurt can it get?

Problem is trisher , both grandparents are not hurting, all the forgiving has to come from one side , also there can be no forgiveness without repentance

Well done trish.

Exactly!

It has just occurred to me that this is in fact not a social but a religious occasion, the welcoming of a child into the Christian religion. The basis of this religion is forgiveness and love. It seems apparent that both of the child's grandparents are unable to leave their marriage behind and forgive each other, so perhaps until they can do so neither of them should be attending such an event.

The reason I posted about the aspect of how the ex is feeling is that I remember my own wedding day could have been like this. It was bad timing I know, but unfortunately my parents were just finalising their divorce at the time I got married. They'd been separated for a few years and nobody else was involved with the breakdown, but my Mum had started seeing someone else and I would have liked to invite him to the wedding. When I tested the water with my Dad, he said straight away he would not come if my Mum's 'friend' was going to be there (he became my step-dad). I thought that would be the case and that was that as far as I was concerned. There was no way I would get married without my Dad being there. My Mum was fine about it and so was my future step-dad, but looking back years later I realised how hard it would have been for my Dad sitting there unattached with his family and my Mum's family, plus my Mum with another man.

Only milly will know what kind of feelings are involved, but I don't feel comfortable saying let him stay away.

Yes. I agree with that ab.

Perhaps Jingle, but he may feel somethings are for him unforgivable , he could grit his teeth and sit there I suppose , I don't know if I could , just don't know, but being judgemental I think perhaps the boyfriend could stay away and allow the grandfather to attend , I think I would

I think I agree with you actually Anniebach. But he is bringing it on himself by not attending.

Perhaps he should be gently persuaded by kind words.

Again I think there is judgement against a man no one here knows, if the boyfriend has helped the sons with money in the last three years, how many years did their father support them , we just do not know.

If I had divorced I wouldn't be happy with my grandchildren calling my ex husbands girl friend grandma

Definitely call his bluff ! Your partner has, as you say, financially helped your family so it would be a real snub and very hurtful if you exclude him from the Christening. It is definitely your ex husband's choice and as three years have elapsed since your divorce you and he have no connection - apart of course through your children. If they are ok with it, then you have no reason to feel guilty.

I'm also a newbie millymolly, so hello and welcome.
Stick to your guns I say.
My ex husband (25 yrs since) used to make ultimatums like that, telling me I couldn't take my children on holiday if my partner came, sulking at birthday parties if my partner was there etc. etc.
Recently my daughter married and asked my partner to give her away instead of her Dad because she realised that my partner had been the one who'd always acted like a grown up and been there for her, whereas after a few years of sulking (even though he had a new wife!) my ex decided to take himself off to live hundreds of miles away and rarely saw the children - his loss, silly man.
Your ex will either have to accept the situation and get on with his own life or end up alienating his children and grandchildren - his decision and not your problem!
Enjoy the Christening and your new grandchild x

The one regret I have is that I don't have joint grandchildren. OH is brilliant with them and they call him Uncle Grumps! He's never had his own so hats off to him. Second husband was a brilliant stepfather while their own father was pretty hopeless. I had been looking forward to being almost joint GP with 2nd who for various reasons is now totally estranged from me and I intend to keep it that way, he does see my DGCs quite regularly which I don't have a problem with. Now 1st ex and I do get together when we can with our DCs and DGCs very amicably. But it is not the same as with my longterm married friends with joint grandchildren. It all gets very complicated.

I hope there are people reading this thread who will realise that there is no magic easy answer to ending a marriage, especially a long one involving children (whatever their ages). People often have an idea in their mind about how wonderful their lives would be if they weren't married, yet for most people that vision includes a new 'untested' partner who often turns out to be pretty much like the last one after the first few heady years are over! Then you are left with the children's weddings, Christmases, christenings, grandchildren's birthdays etc, all those family occasions which should have been wonderful but are marred because you aren't a 'proper' family anymore. I know so many ex marriages where at least one of the couple is very unhappy years after their marriages broke up.

I'm not getting at you personally Millymolly! I'm divorced myself and happy with a new partner but it would have been lovely if we could have had joint children and grandchildren, nothing beats that.

Hoping it's all working out as per your DDIL sensibly is handling. as regards the comment about ex being hurt and it was a 30 year marriage. someone said to my ex, who was behaving in similar sort of way, no-one walks away from a happy situation. So wise and so true. So that puts his behaviour squarely in controlling technique and not be tolerated.

Have a lovely, peaceful, happy day milly molly.

I find it uncomfortable judging this man when all we know is he was married for thirty years , then divorced and ex wife now living with a man who she knew before the divorce and the ex husband believes the lover was the cause of the divorce , he may be a horrid man, he may be a man who has not yet come to terms with the end of his marriage and his ex wife living with another man, easy to say he should accept and move on but not easy to do

They are grownups. Why should they need handling with kid gloves? Just declare it open house, and let those that want to come, come, and those that don't, stay away.

As regards food, freeze any that turned out to be not wanted, and have yourselves another party later on.

A Christening is not really the time or place for this kind of thing. Remember what it's about?

He has been invited, as has your new partner, and has refused, so I'd leave it at that.

If your son and daughter- in- law were upset that he wouldn't be there, it might be different, but that doesn't seem to be the case. If he's really keen to be part of his granddaughter's life he'll see that he'll just have to make the effort.

Yes, this is a hard one, for sure. I agree that there needs to be something done to make the ex the grandfather feel comfortable at his family's gathering. He should not feel unwelcomed but loved and accepted.

Hello and congratulations on the birth of your grandchild! Such a happy time and yet a family occasion which is the first of many family celebrations to come... with baggage from the past. Speaking from experience, no one wants a scene. As people age they have issues, especially health issues which often lead to oversensitivity, which in turn can expand into deep emotional issues. The emotional health of everyone is at a turning point here. No one wants to create a crisis where walls are built and the family is divided. If yours is anything like my situation, I survived a stressful 20+ year marriage, with a husband who was impossible to live with, only to enter into my 40s with broken health and almost didn't make it. I ended my marriage just to cope with life. My adult kids could not forgive me and grew distant, preferring my ex with his new super wife. I could not cope with this new family arrangement where I was now a persona non grata. I lived in another city trying to educate myself to become self-supporting in spite of my health issues; and could not see my adult kids regularly. Even my new daughter-in-law was closer to my ex's new wife than to me. I was the outsider. Now I cannot go to family gatherings because she has replaced me with my own adult kids and only grandchild, and now with my daughter-in-law. For mother's day she is honoured over me. I choose to stay out because it would become heart-attack material to be present where I am not wanted. My ex is a deeply religious individual and yet this is not extended to me, the mother of his children. He has taught our kids by his example to put his new wife ahead of me, his children's mother. There must be some kind of lesson in this, not sure where it can lead, but when there is a hurting parent, where there is no support, it leaves an unhealthy pattern of disrespect and ultimately to a family division. Ask yourself this: do you want to alienate your ex from his adult kids? Do you encourage them to be equally loving to their dad? Would you be happy if your ex disappeared from your kids' lives? If he is feeling insecure have you made him feel that way? He has feelings and whether you agree, he has expressed them and perhaps they need to be dealt with in another way with a counsellor. He does not seem to be happy in his life, perhaps is alone without a happy relationship as you have (if you were alone and he brought a new partner how would you feel about that), and most likely feels humiliated about the past. All the best to you and may everyone have a happy ending in this one!

milly despite what I said earlier about it being his decision to attend or not, I do have some sympathy for your ex. It's all very well us saying to you that he should accept that your partner has also been invited, but if he truly believes your partner is to blame for your marriage ending, then I can understand why he doesn't want to be in his company. Even if as you say, he has admitted to his failings as a husband and father, 30 years is a long time to be a couple. I can imagine his pride has taken a bashing knowing not only have you chosen to be with your new partner, it's clearly working out well for you and the rest of your family. To make matters worse, he's had a number of unsuccessful relationships, so he's not in a great place compared to you.

I do wonder if the situation might be different if you had remarried, as this would have drawn a line under your marriage to him. Although you are divorced, a couple married as long as you were have a lot of history together, and it's not until one of you remarry that things truly move on to a new stage in your lives. I saw this happen with my parents.

I'm not saying you shouldn't stick to your guns, especially as only you know the level of emotions going on right now, but it might make a difference if someone he respects had a quiet word with him about whether or not he really wants it to be like this from now on, because if he doesn't change his mind he's going to be cutting off his nose to spite his face. Just an idea.

I would advise the parents to take the baby to the church with just the godparents, and sod all the ridiculous squabbling oldies.

I agree with you thatbags - so very silly but so very common unfortunately. Thank goodness millymolly's dil has got her head well and truly screwed on. Sounds like a great gal to me. Hope all goes well and a really lovely day is had by all attending

That's not a comment on you, milly, just the sillies from your Ex's side of the tribe. Enjoy the christening.