1st Grandchild's Christening

Tribalism and stupid clannishness lives on.

I don't think they will be approached personally based now on my Ex's comments that they won't attend if he doesn't this confining his behaviour and making him a martyr.

My DIL has said great uncles and wives wouldn't be invited in any respect now as 1 uncle & partner has not even seen her and the other couple saw her just after her birth at GGP's home when they took her to visit, uncle & rife used the visit as selfie opportunity for FB, no cards or gifts celebrating her birth have been received.

My Ex in laws therefore have seen her once when she was taken to visit them, they are both mobile and active.

My DIL has said the important people will be there. If my Grandaughter means enough to people then they will make the effort

OP, you've mentioned that 6 members of your ex's family may stay away 'in solidarity'. Would your son/DIL want them there? After all, they are presumably his aunts/uncles/grandparents? That's pretty poor behaviour on their part, would they actually stay away, or would they attend if appealled to personally?

millymolly so pleased to hear that your DDIL is so astute. Now just keep out of it all, relax and enjoy. Be the best GM that you can be and make sure your family relationships are as solid as you can make them.

And another little DGD on the way too! More congratulations to you all.

I do think these situations are awful and you must feel like you can't win whatever you do. I think I would have another word with your son and DIL and explain that you and your new partner would love to attend the christening but you do not want to put them in a difficult position. Let them say that if his father decides not to attend that is his decision. I have just attended my grandsons christening and my son in laws parents were in a similar position to you. The grandad (the innocent party) attended the church service and sat with a family member. When the service was over he left. He had explained to his son and DIL what he was going to do prior to the christening and he made it clear to them that attending the church service was more important to him than the after party. I must say he left looking very dignified. Good luck

It's good that your daughter in law sees her father in law's behaviour for what it is.

I disagree with the view that somehow a "blood" relation has "rights" despite their dreadful behaviour. Children have rights and their parents and other relatives, particularly grandparents have responsibilities, or duties. One of the most important things adult family members can do for children is to model what put simply is 'good' behaviour. It sounds as though this particular crisis has resolved itself. Given his behaviour, your decision not to spend time with him and your granddaughter is wise. As a number of others have advised, minimise any contact you have with him. Leave any invitations and decision making around those invitations to your sons and daughters in law. He needs to grow up doesn't he.

My Ex has contacted my daughter in law regarding this snd his response is as follow -
The response on fb "his mother has told me that her fella is going I cannot be in the same room as him as I know I will not b able to control my feelings so I won't be able to make it, I never want to fall out with you or my sons so going stay away.

My DIL conversation with me was " Well its up to him. He's been asked to attend? He's trying to emotionally blackmail. Probably hoping he will guilt us into getting S not to come. Not happening"

She went on to say she feels for my son and luckily my granddaughter as is not old enough to be effected by it. She will probably ask questions when she's older. What happens when she has parties or gets married?

She hasn't replied to his message and will be advising it's his choice, should he change his mind he's welcome to attend.

I found out recently that my Ex has more or less only seen my granddaughter egg. I've invited him to take her out with me for a few hours, he rarely asks after her. I now see it that he uses my granddaughter to have contact with me and I will now be withdrawing from my invites that were made in an effort to be a 'normal' family.

My OH is known as Grampa snd my Ex as Grandad.

As its been said what us her going to do when further family functions arise now he is setting a presidence?

Our second granddaughter is due at the end of this month also, fathered by another of our sons

I feel for you I've been in a similar situation. You have lots of good advise from everyone. I would just like to make one point and that is, please look to the future and the bigger picture,it may make your decision easier to make. This is the very first family get together that you will all be invited to but what about all the others that will soon be on the horizon i.e her birthday parties, school plays the list is endless now you have a grandchild do you really want to have this worry every time you get an invite to a happy occasion. The decision for the christening will affect future decisions I suspect.Congratulations on your first grandchild. And please let us know how the day went.

It is surely up to the parents to invite who they wish to the christening and people can accept or decline as they see fit! and not up to others to approve the guest list.

Your ex is exactly that ex. You have both gone your separate ways. Ignore him, When he see his bullying tactics don't work he will give up.

I don't usually post and assumed people would generally just encourage you to both go regardless. However with some posts seemingly getting caught up with the subject of your partners status in the new family dynamic I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring.
I'm guessing you didn't have this same situation previously, say regarding a marriage, but this will repeat again and again (think child's birthdays, plays, other weddings/funerals etc) so is best sorted once and for all in my opinion. Send Ex a note saying this is not your occasion but one which is for your joint children. Tell him that you'd like him to attend but it is his choice. Not even yours. It is simply to celebrate a new life in your family line. Remind him there will be many more occasions like this where you have to put aside old feelings and forge a new level of acceptance. Admit it is hard for both of you to see the other with a partner but that is how things are and remind him that in future his long term partner will also be invited to family events. Remind him how you must put on a united front together for your children's sake. Keep it light and send it. Then enter into no more correspondance or messages and simply turn up with your partner! If he kicks off it reflects on him only. Don't get involved. And like it or not, a child will see Nanny or Granddads longtime partner as a grandparent, regardless of title!

PS And your ex's partner would not be at the top table with you.

maggie273 won't you be at the top table as Mother of the Bride? If there's a top table, usually parents of the bride and groom are on the top table with the chief bridesmaid/maid of honour and the best man.

Maggie273 I'm sorry to hear that but I'm afraid your caught between a rock and a hard place keeping your daughter happy and yourself happy, go to the wedding mingle avoid him as much as possible and have fun ?

Micmc47 very well said .

I think the bottom line is that you cannot be held responsible for a decision made by someone else so don't beat yourself up about it. Life is far too short. Only worry about the things you can change someone told me years ago, and it is a pretty good mantra for me personally.

And yes the abbreviations on this site drive me mad too!! You are not alone.

Hi all this is s subject that I have been thinking about recently. My daughter gets married in April I have just got divorced after 39 years! My husband had moved in with a new partner before the ink had dried on the divorce papers! He now wants to take her to my daughters wedding. My daughter has waited a long time for this day and so have I, I have not spoken to my husband or son in over a year (my son took his dad's side) so I am faced with my X and my Son with her on one side of the room and me on my own on the other. My daughter knows how I feel and wants us all to play happy families ! I am very unhappy about this is should be a family day my daughter is not inviting any of my family to the wedding saying she does not see them and yet she is inviting a non family member who is going to make me feel very uncomfortable. What do you think !

micmc47 Precisely!

Congratulations on your first Grandchild, Milly Molly. Your ex-Husband's ultimatum, which is what it is, is an attempt to continue to exert control over you and your life. Please recognise that it is his emotional baggage, and not yours, and very firmly leave it with him. If he decides not to attend, so be it, and he will have to take ownership of the fact that he has chosen not to be there for his own Grandchild. On no account must you feel in any way guilty about this. It is most definitely not of your doing. Stay strong, and don't allow yourself to be manipulated, or your Grandchild to be used as a pawn in this cruel game. Disgraceful, petty, selfish behaviour from your ex. You're well rid... .

MillyMolly your ex sounds like he is still trying emotional blackmail and manipulation. Not just of you but your DS and DIL. Don't pamper to his fantasies. You and your partner go to the Christening, enjoy yourselves and try to ignore him. Let us know how they Christening goes. hugs

These situations are never easy. My ex husband and I have always both attended family occasions with our current partners as we have always tried to put our children's feelings before our own in such circumstances. Definitely not easy and it takes goodwill on both sides. I am sorry your ex cannot see this...

I do sympathise. My ex & I had a problems at first- family weddings etc. but when 1st GC arrived we decided to be civilised about it all & it works OK now. He had a reason to be stroppy as I left him & was married to the man I left him for. It is very difficult but everyone has to be grown up about it- my ex & I get on really well now & the 2 men can be polite to each other.
I wonder if your son could have a quiet word with him & explain how important it is to him to have all GPs there & ask him to be big enough to put the past behind him & try to get on for the sake of the new GC & any more that come along. It's not going to be easy at first but if everyone is considerate it can work in the end.

Presumably your son and daughter-in-law sent invitations to both you and your partner and to your ex-husband and girl friend. You have accepted. It is up to your exhusband to either accept or refuse. Really any dialogue should be between your son and his father.
I understand the feeling that all parents have "rights" but surely the baby is the important one and the grown ups need to be civilised!
We have had this with weddings. Before I married my 2nd husband I was invited to the weddings of histhree children. He sat on the top table with his ex-wife on each occasions( she had married and divorced my first husband by then!!) that was OK by me. Unfortunately it's life these days. I wish you well and hope your son can sort this with his father.

How sad Millymolly, I do feel for you. My husband is step dad to my older children and Grandad to all their children (4 of them), we have a younger son together who is his only child.
Fortunately my ex and current get on well and we are always together for family occasions, for example he always has Christmas dinner here with us all.
I think as parents and adults we should try and put our children first and put aside our grudges at such a time. Your poor DS and DiL shouldn't have to consider such issues at this time, perhaps he should tell his Dad to grow up.
I can't imagine how hurt your partner would feel if asked not to attend and he seems not only far more important in your life but your sons' also. Loathe as I am to give advice I'd say you and your partner should go and leave your ex to make his own mind up, emotional blackmail is very unattractive.
Hope it ends up being a wonderful day for you all

I don't usually enter into discussions of this kind, but feel I might have to face difficulties if my GD should be christened. Therefore, if a person, be it family, ex family, friend, is invited to an event (in this case the christening) their attendance, or not, is between them and the person who issued the invitation. Should the invitee (ex husband) decide they could not attend if another invitee (OP partner) had been invited and was to attend, he should relay this to the the person who issued the invitation with apologies for not attending. End of story. This is NOT an issue he should raise between his ex and himself. Blackmail and bullying in my book. Good luck millymolly. Enjoy what will be a lovely day, hold your head high any refuse and further discussion about this with your ex. & on your behalf.

Millymolly, hi,

I'm fairly new on here too.

This is only my opinion given the facts you have stated.

I'm in a similar position to you except my grandson is five and my ex lives abroad.

My partner has been with us for over ten years. He never says what he thinks unless my children ask. He does not get involved in my family's problems but supports me quietly behind the scenes as it were, and also advises them when they approach him.

My son will not allow my grandson to call my partner anything other than his name (which is fine) but he calls me ex 'Grandad' even though the child has only met him three or four times in his life (when they visit) and never even sends birthday cards.

Blood is thicker than water.

Let your son and his girl decide, and accept their decision, or you may find they will resent your opinion, and even say you interfere.

Best wishes

Nonnie1