Separated but living under the same roof

So many heartbreaking memories in this thread! But tales of survival, too, so please take heart in that, Trish.

I was horrified and very sorry to hear what your ex did to you! I imagine it was the alcohol at work, but even so... awful!

TG for the friends and family who helped you out! I'm glad you're starting a new life at this point and can put that messy situation behind you. Bless you!

Trish Grannyben..and everyone else who has contributed to this post with their own experiences..it is good to talk; particularly in this semi-anonymous way. One's friends and family are of course helpful and supportive but clearly they want you to feel better and if I have heard the advice, "You need to move on" once, I have heard it fifty times. Of course we need to move on! But part of that process is to discuss and express one's feelings. Burdening loved ones with your sad thoughts is not a good idea longterm - they are too close to you and feel helpless. This is why professional counselling is often recommended.
So lets keep talking to each otheron Gransnet and help each other to "move on". So called Silver Splitters are now part of a huge demographic group.

TrishTopcat, I can only say have no contact with this man whatsoever, even if he does seem to revert back to his old self. He can't be trusted anymore! Moving on isn't easy, although I'm sure you will be sleeping a bit easier tonight, if only through exhaustion. Try and think of it as a bereavement, just without him dying. You wouldn't expect to get over that in a short period and this is the same. I send my love and best wishes. Specki4eyes, as with many others we share the same story. Mine has now been 4 years and I have come to terms with what has happened. It is never going to be the life I would have chosen and I don't believe I will ever get over what happened but I can now see that I do have a life and a future, I just have to make it mine xx

OMG Trish! What painful memories all these posts have brought to the surface. The beginning of the end of my 29 year marriage to the man who was THE LOVE OF MY LIFE began three years ago this weekend. I'm sorry to tell you that even though I am now in my own place and 'moving on' as they say, I still feel bereft. My marital crime? Fearing for his safety and loving him, I forbade him to use Viagra because his doctor said that his serious heart condition wouldn't support it. He had obtained a prescription for Viagra via subterfuge and through a so called 'friend'.
He and I agreed to live under the same roof until the house sold. It was a big long house and he occupied one end and I the other. However, he had been online dating for several years (I was unaware at the time) and he stepped up the procedure when we 'separated' and quickly found a new partner 20 minutes drive away. So he spent weekends with her and then came back on Mondays to mess the house up and dump his dirty laundry. This infuriated me so one night I took all his stuff, clothes, files, medications etc and dumped them outside her house on the pavement. After what I had discovered about his deceitful, secret life, she was more than welcome to him but I couldnt tolerate his presence in our home under those terms. So he moved in with her leaving me in peace, but with all the responsibilities of the house and grounds.
It took 18 months to find a buyer during which time he was happily creating his new life whilst I kept the house up to viewing/selling standard. The whole saga sent me spiralling into anxiety and I passed out several times. If it had not been for loving and proactive friends and family I don't know what would have happened to me.
Now that the dust has settled, I am ok but still very sad. I did not expect to spend my retirement years alone and had he been the man I thought he was, I would have stayed with him until the end. I read somewhere that getting over a long marriage break up takes one year for each decade you were together. So I should soon be coming out of these feelings of bereavement.
I have since heard so many stories of the duplicity of men, I can't even begin to imagine that I would ever trust anyone again.
My advice to you Trish - try to make a proper separation happen somehow. Living under the same roof seems like a solution but it is not healthy.

I haven't been able to post for a while, as things took a rapid turn for the worse. The day of my last post, I had come home about teatime to find my husband already very drunk and unsteady and with a cut on his forehead. He wouldn't tell me what happened (I think he must have fallen over because he was so drunk), and was very aggressive so I went out again to a friends house. The next day, while at the hairdressers, I got a call from the police - my husband had reported me for assaulting him. I couldn't believe he would do something so despicable. The police were very good and said they would take no further action, but that if they received another report from our address, then it could lead to an interview under caution and possible referral to CPS. I couldn't risk going back home again, so moved out immediately and for the last few weeks I have been homeless and staying with friends. I couldn't even get back into the house to collect some clean clothes until the police came with me.
Today I signed the tenancy for a flat, and feel like I'm beginning to get some control back over my life. Thank God for the kindness of friends and family, who have helped me so much when I was at a very low ebb, and when my partner of almost 30 years had effectively turfed me out if my home.

Oh, this conversation is really interesting to me! We moved back to UK after living and working abroad for 27 years.....mainly because my husband wanted to. Now 4 months later, he hasn' t settled at all and is talking about going back! He' s never attempted to build a new life whilst I have rekindled old friendships, go swimming, joined a singing chorus etc. We have so many arguments that I'm seriously thinking about a new life.......but feel guilty because when we got together he supported me after my first marriage breakdown. However, he has had health issues and I feel I have repaid that help. It's all food for thought..thankyou ladies!

What a tough situation. Good luck.

Wendysue, my OH is the one who is angry, and fuels it by drinking so by the evening things have gone downhill. I started looking for somewhere else to live today, so hopefully I could move out in the next few weeks, and a friend has offered a bed in the short term if I need it. I'm still hoping to get a negotiated separation agreement with him, to settle our finances so I have a bit more security, but if that doesn't look like it will happen, I think I'll have to go anyway.

Annifrance, you are right about building your own social life - I joined a dance class with a friend tonight, and had a real 'laugh out loud' evening, such a good stress reliever.

Coco20, good luck with your move next week

wendy I may have some recourse, yes, but it would have to be achieved through mediation. I'm not legally entitled to anything (I've seen a few lawyers now and they've said the same thing). I'd even struggle to get what I've put into the house back.

I've also got my own house. This is rented out, and forms a fairly substantial part of my current income (which I'm trying to build up). "D"p thinks I should move out into my own house and leave it at that, but I'm SO angry and hurt still and it's clouding my judgement. I took a long time off work with dd (had to, as he wouldn't help with childcare) and I'm frankly struggling to get back into a job that pays sufficiently to enable me to move out.

As I said, he's rarely here and our paths don't really cross much.

And he doesn't want to talk about things -he just looks the other way. I've had counselling for anxiety caused by his behaviour and I still get very angry when I try to bring things up. He's what I think you'd call "passive aggressive"-snide, sly and quietly manipulative. I'm much more upfront. In short, I'm not going to be brought any lower by him, and digging my heels in has given me back a sense of power. Childish, I know, but I'm liking it!!

Trish, who got so angry this week, you or your ex (or both)? Is your ex an alcoholic? Is that part of what led to the separation?

No matter, if the anger becomes frequent, you may need to move out sooner than you planned, even if it's just to a motel. Is that possible?

Gettingonabit, since you put money into the house, maybe you still have some recourse? Maybe a legal agreement to sell it and split the proceeds? I would check with an attorney.

i was told on no account to do any cooking or washing for him - that would constitute co-habiting!

i consulted a solicitor and he told me this - i then went for a deed of separation which outlined what could and couldn't be done. both of us signed it and then got on with living separately.

i spent a good deal of time visiting friends during the week [he didn't have any friends] and, i think, spent a lot of the weekends out as well.

some of that time was looking for a house to live in and, once that was found, we had to sort the loft out as there were many things which i wanted to take with me. everything that i had bought to go into the house [kitchen stuff mainly] i took with me but left him with a dinner/tea set [which had been a present and which i hated with a passion!] and also a set of cutlery.

i sold my wedding. engagement and eternity rings plus a couple of other items he'd given me and bought a set of saucepans with the proceeds!!! i thought it was a good idea as then i could leave the old saucepans behind too.

we spent about a month sorting everything out - and agreed a financial settlement. then i was able to buy my little house and get furniture [nothing in the marital home would fit into my little house].

so about 7 months after the deed of separation was signed i moved. he actually helped me do the move and fitted new lights for me as well as plumbing in my washer/dryer and dishwasher.

i have discovered, however, that i left one or two things [mainly things i'd kept from my childhood] and i think they're now lost for ever. our childrens' toys were left in the loft and quite a few of them were damaged when he let his new children by his second wife play with them - a couple of toys so badly they had to be thrown away ......... and a lloyd loom chair i'd had as a child and given to my daughter but which was smashed beyond recognition as things were thrown on top of it. shame that.

however, there are exciting times ahead for you trish - good luck and i hope things get sorted for you. the important thing is for you to get legal advice and try to keep things "civil".

Trish.

I'm in the same boat, compounded by the fact that I'm fairly sure he is seeing someone else. For some reason, this is rankling, although I've accepted that my relationship with him is over.

Oddly, since my relationship broke down finally about a year and a half ago, I've actually become more stubborn about staying and I'm digging my heels in. He wants me gone, but I'm thinking "why should I?" ; after all it was HIM playing around, not me! And I've spent thousands of pounds of my own money on this house.

I'm not married, so not actually entitled to stay at all. But "d"p hates confrontation and, somehow, I feel more able to stand up for myself now.

The house is quite large and he's mostly at work.

I still cook (sometimes) and clean. But I don't iron for him, or cook unless I'm cooking anyway.

I know I need to move on but I want to do so when it's right for me.

Such good advice and supportive comments from you all, thank you very much. I moved into a separate bedroom straight away, and have made it into a sort of bedsit. I'm also following advice about keeping busy and getting out of the house as much as possible, which obviously reduces the risks of confrontation, and it's good practice for being on my own when I move out. For the first week it was all relatively calm, but this week has been much more volatile, lots of anger fuelled by alcohol. I had hoped to get a financial agreement in place quickly before I find somewhere else to live, but if it goes on like this I don't think I will be able to last out. The one high spot is the wonderful support I have been offered by a couple of friends and family members.
I share others' comments about no longer recognising my husband as the man I married. At least it has confirmed in my own mind that I have made the right decision - there has to be more to life than this, and I'm going to go and find out what it is.

Definitely find your own private space in house. Equip if possible with books, phone, tv. Also think cooking for both of you is good idea. Keeps kitchen within your domain. Sorry you're having to do this after such a long marriage. All the best.

Coco20, it's going to be a long road! Next week would have been our 24th anniversary but we have now been separated for almost 3 years. This isn't the life I would have chosen, sometimes I question if I would have been better off staying but I always come back to the same answer - if I'd have stayed then I would never have had peace of mind and I know i would have had to go eventually. I have often thought I would have felt better if he'd died, some might think that's a terrible thing to say but I do miss the man I thought I knew. I don't believe I will ever "get over" the loss of my previous life and I know I will always miss it but life does move on and it will get that little bit easier with every passing day, just like a bereavement. Take things slowly, allow yourself to cry for your loss but accept that the smallest of things can still bring you joy. Wishing you all the best, I will be thinking of you xx

Happened to me too. Agree with moving into the spare room (if possible) and keeping occupied. I went on doing the cooking, as I took the view that if I was cooking for myself I might as well cook for him too when I was eating at home - but he was reasonable about things, so I realise that this might not always be possible or desirable.
I also added his clothes if I was doing a load of washing (again, seemed better than running the washer twice for two half loads) but not his bedding, towels etc. No ironing (so no change there...!)
We've managed to stay civil, and years down the line, I'm much happier than he is - I'm another who looks at him and wonders what happened to the person that I married.
Good luck to you - when you've got your own place you'll feel SO much better

Trish and Coco...
no advice I'm afraid but many, many good wishes for happy times ahead.
I'm sure it will be really hard - but most of us have strengths we hardly know exist - and I'm sure you can, and will get through it.

Like others, Trish, I think I would try to focus on the future and getting out as quickly as possible. I think health and happiness are worth so much and personally would want to leave asap.

i did it for several months years ago until i found my little house and moved out. it was very hard and i wouldn't wish it on anyone.

i didn't recognise the man i'd married 25 years before as the same man who existed with me for those months - seemed like years!!

and my daughter tried to do it too but owing to circumstances [too long and harrowing to go into here] my grandaughters had to move out of the house so, with social services approval, they came to live with me - and my daughter came too.

i certainly don't recognise my son in law for the man who "couldn't live without her" - and he and i were in a group of friends before he met my daughter.

it's difficult to do but as long as you know it's not for long then it's bearable. good luck to everyone in this situation - doesn't matter if you've been married for 25 years [me] or 12 [my daughter] you'll feel so much better when you're in your own place starting afresh - i know i did!

My mother lived like this for years, a very unhappy situation which only resolved when my father went into nursing home. It was very difficult for my poor mum. A friend is currently in this position. Think if possible it's best to find somewhere else ASAP. It's not easy on the parents but spills out to children and grandchildren too. Try to keep busy and best wishes for a happier future. Good luck.

I'm in the same situation as you were grannyben, like living with a stranger, would have been our 30th wedding anniversary yesterday, had a little cry then got on with the day. Moving out next week,finally, feel happy and scared all at the same time

Done it twice and it's limbo land so not very comfortable. Both exs thankfully managed to work away a bit, and I took off now and then. Kept peace by cooking, cleaning (but not his bed) and laundry - gives you brownie points.

Have a private space in the house that you can escape to even your bedroom, and keep television, phone and things to do there.

Just try to keep polite and calm however resentful you feel. But that does break down now and then and a full scale row develops, but that is just normal.

Try to move on into your next life as soon as possible even in little ways, like going out on your own, meeting friends.

Good luck, I promise you will find a much better life out there.

Hi, I had this situation with my ex husband, after our marriage broke down we had to live together for almost 3 months until alternative arrangements had been made. Prior to this I would have assumed it wouldn't have been that difficult, after all, we had lived together for over 20 years. The reality is, it was an absolute disaster! My husband, who I had loved dearly, had gone and in his place was a man I didn't know from Adam. I know I tried desperately to make it work and, to be fair, I'm sure he did but we were no longer a couple, just 2 people stuck under the same roof. The only advice I can offer is to try and keep yourself busy, the less time you spend at the house the better. Move yourself into the spare room. I put my husband in the spare but he seemed put out that I had the larger room. It doesn't matter so go yourself. If you have family or friends that you can spend time with make the most of the opportunity. I wish you the very best of look, it will probably be a bumpy ride but the end is in sight xx

I think as long as its kept polite the awkwardness should subside, I suspect things are still very raw. I appreciate its not easy

It is extremely hard. I got my council house in March, it had to have jobs done on it so I moved in in May. Not long, I know but long enough to be still living with the ex husband. Luckily he was working a lot and then slept on the settee but it was very tense and uncomfortable for that time. I was delighted the day I hired a van and moved lock stock and two kids out of the marital home. Good luck, keep counting to 10 and buy some vodka!

As long as you can stay polite - our neighbours (who we were quite close with) had the same situation, but unfortunately they're both of a fiery nature and ended up fighting - he now has a criminal record.
Have you got room to have separate cooking, toilet etc facilities? Try to keep as distant as possible.
But perhaps it depends too on the reason for splitting up.