Persevere?

Oh, Gordon, if his behavior is making you feel "abused and worthless," then TG you're going to bring it to an end. You deserve better. You really do.

Have you thought about counseling? It may help you move on. And maybe figure out how to avoid getting caught up with this kind of man again.

Best to you!

Do not carry on as you are obviously not committed in your heart. It can only get worse.

Gordonbennett, this is very hard for you. More than anything I think you need to value yourself. You are still relatively young and it seems to me you deserve to be treated a lot better. You seem to have come to the decision not to 'settle' and I think that is a brave step forward. I would only add, it may be very good for you to deliberately choose to be alone for a time as this can help you to be happy in yourself and less needy for a new relationship. If you can take the space to cherish yourself, spoil yourself - even if it is only in little ways e.g. play music YOU love, see friends you might not have got to see when you were busy considering a partner, watch what interests you on TV / theatre etc. - I speak from experience in saying if you can be comfortable in your own skin you are much more likely to meet someone who is right for you longer term. Hope that isn't clumsy ... have been there myself, but met a man who actually puts me first in life six years ago and remarried in my early fifties. If longer term you want a sustaining partnership, there is plenty of time for it to happen. xx

Assuming many of us are middle aged to elderly, at our age it becomes more important to have peace of mind and be happy and as healthy as we can be.
More important than having a lady or gentleman friend.
My mother once gave me some very good advice and I'm sure if your mum was still around she would say the same, "never sell yourself short"
It's great to be comfortable in your own company. I myself was alone for many years before I met DH.
You don't 'need' to be in a relationship you are not entirely happy with, none of us do. There are many social events for people of our ages and then you can go home to your own space.
I've read that you intend to leave the relationship GordonBennett, look on it as an adventure. Give yourself a bit of a makeover for confidence and perhaps consider joining a few groups or even plan a solo outing every other day, swimming, coffee morning, reading circle? just to break the week up. Whatever you decide I wish you all the best XX

Best wishes to you Gordon. It can be difficult to take action to change something even if you know deep down it is the right thing to do. It is easier to let things drag on.

luckylegs up thread I have clarified he was separated when we met, so no, he wasn't a disloyal husband.

I forgot to mention his impatience and 'anger' issues. Just last night he became angry with me for something very trivial. My exh was always impatient and angry with me, and these outbursts just take me back to that place where I felt so abused and worthless.

I am no shrinking violet and can well and truly stand up for myself, but then the relationship becomes toxic.

I will end the relationship, because I know inside myself that it's the right thing to do (and the helpful replies on GN reinforce this) but it is still hard to do, as my confidence has taken a bit of a bashing.

Thank you for support

Sorry, but wasn't he married when you started this relationship? Or did you not know. Don't think anyone is better than noone, he clearly wasn't a loyal husband.I just would not want someone I wasn't at ease with or respected as a person, but I know people that put up with a lot just not to be alone.

There are worse things than being alone and the worst is being with the wrong partner - one whom you don't respect and whose values you don't share. You can learn to be yourself if you are by yourself to make your own life.

Get out of it as soon .............. the 13yr old won't be happy either

I think that it's obvious what you want to do. Now is the time to be thinking how you will do it.
'I've realised that this isn't working for me'? I'm sure someone else would come up with a more appropriate opener. I totally agree with the other posters. There's no connection for you, and it's going to get worse for you both unless you end it now.
The bottom line is that you cannot be yourself with him - open, honest, thriving. So this relationship, such as it is (or appears to be) is not in your best interests at all.

Good luck!

Seemed straightforward enough to me.

I'm sorry alea I don't understand your last post?

To be serious, I am assuming OP is thinking aloud, running it past us and not making a serious life decision based on the opinion of complete strangers to both of you

Never 'put up' with anyone. You should enjoy the other person's company not be walking on eggshells all the time. Been there, done it and dropped it. Move on, your'e worth more than that.

If you're not suited, there's your answer.
Don't make do.
And what grates now is likely to become a torture.

Hi ladies..thanks for your replies..the consensus is to finish the relationship..

Just to clarify..he was separated when we met..in the very early stage of divorce. He was very supportive of his wife throughout all her treatments.. As I said he is not a bad man. We are just not suited.

Were he and his wife estranged when you and he got together??
It sounds to me that your better off without him.

"Helpful, financially solvent, generous" don't make up for a nasty personality.

No. Move on. And find someone who isn't married next time.

Do you mean that you started the relationship while he was still with his wife who then became ill with cancer? If so, not a very nice man.

"But these things grate on me.. Cringingly so."

There's your answer, IMO, in your own words. Sure, everybody has faults. But if you cringe when you think of his, then it's a "no," in my book.

And, BTW, relating a "fat girl" comment to you isn't just a "cheap joke," IMO - it's cruel (if you're at all overweight,as many of us older ladies are) and disrespectful to you, even if you're not. Ugh!

Unlike good wine, some (?) men rarely get better with age (!) so, no.

No. Sorry to be so blunt. But this is not fair on yourself or him. I'm sure there's someone for both of you. So let him down gently. Good luck