I'm the first port of call

Younger DS doesn't, but elder does occasionally. When he had come back to the UK and we were still in Switzerland, the first one to talk to him on the phone would always immediately know from his voice whether there was a problem or not and silently pass the message to the other one: either 'it's OK he sounds cheerful' or 'sounding down, there's a problem'.

Yes, all the time! DSiL works away from home for long periods, and when he's away DD is on the phone, sometimes six times a day with various queries and problems. They live 115 miles from us in Scotland. Her boys have ASD's and she needs support. I wish we were nearer, but not too close.

My mum does (she's 80) and always has (and I find it very wearing as any suggestions I might make are batted off with some scorn) but not my son - quite the opposite. We might not know about an illness or a problem until it's over and done with. I instantly think 'why didn't you tell me?' but I'm also glad that he doesn't and that's he capable to coping most of the time. We have been called for help or advice in the past but it's not often, thankfully.

I can so identify with the tone of voice thing. I have over the years trained myself not to react too much although always here to help, it would sometimes be nice to have a bright and breezy conversation / text.

My DD does so much to help us that when she is on holiday she rings to check up if we are ok , I could be lying down with flu but don't say a word . She is away at the moment and OH is extremely fractious so I answer the phone in the other room and pretend he is sleeping . She needs the break

Our DC don't tell us when something is wrong until it is serious. That is good and it is also bad.
We have learned to not fuss or bother them as they say they are quite capable of sorting themselves out and then the cruncher comes - "as you have taught us to do". So what can you say then? Nothing!
We are very much a 'get on with it' family so I suppose we can't be too surprised that we have passed it on to DC.

I think DD would have to be truly desperate before she would offload anything on us, which I find quite sad because I sometimes think that there are times when she might be bottling things up when we could talk about them. She's always been very self-contained. DS, on the other hand, will have no hesitation in pouring out his troubles - mostly to his father when they're in the pub! Sometimes, when he's been here, had a good moan about the latest emotional catastrophe, and gone home, I lay awake at night and worry about him, only to find that next time I speak to him everything's fine except that my hair is just a little bit greyer! Good job I love the bones of them!

I probably should start a new thread but I don't know how to! Our son, late 20s, is travelling at the moment in India. He has met and fallen in love with an Indian girl. However the girl is unable to tell her family at present. They are very upset with her as she has left a job in a big business because she was badly treated as a woman. Our son is talking about marriage although he has only known her for a month. There are potentially all sorts of problems and I feel very scared for him.Has anyone else had experience of anything like this?

NanKate - that is a huge amount of health stuff to be dealing with. Impossible.
That sort of thing happened to us once. My Dsis decided to risk catching anything, rolled up her sleeves, and came to help us. She ended up staying a week. We couldnt have managed without her.

mumofmadboys - indeed that is really a whole thread of its own.
A month is a very short time indeed.
Is he a sensible type of person or prone to quick mad ideas.

mumofmadboys I do think your problem deserves a thread of its own.

Go to 'forums' at the top left hand corner of this page, select 'relationships', then select 'start a new conversation'. Good luck, what a difficult situation...

Thanks for advice on starting thread

I have tried forums and then relationships. I get a list of previous threads but it doesn't say' start a new conversation'. I am using a Hudl. I don't know whether that makes any difference. Any thought?

Right under the 'relationships' heading it says 'start a new discussion' (not conversation, sorry!).

You should be able to see 'start a new thread' in a darker green on the left side just above the first thread

No joy! My screen doesn't show that. Anyone else using a Hudl?? Or is it me?

Obieone to be honest I think there are two other issues underlying my DS's negative behaviour.

He has stressful job working to deadlines and he is very behind with his work, having looked after all his family this week. The other issue is that DH and myself had promised to go and look after the 3 and 5 year old GSs for a long weekend whilst DS and DinL go to Amsterdam next weekend. This is the third holiday they have had to cancel because of illness of the youngest GS.

To be honest I doubt they will all be well enough by next Friday for us to take over.

We shall see. When things are bad I often think of the saying that goes something like 'These things will pass' and they do.

This resonates with me too! I am always the first port of call for any of the problems of my two eldest 40 + 37 . I know from the tone of voice and even the way they walk in through the front door that something is wrong . Sometimes just the tone of voice sets my palpitations off .

Sometimes I want to say "get a grip ffs " or "grow a pair" lol . I think back to when I married at 19 and never thought of going to my Mother with any problems , she would have said you made your bed . I guess it must be my fault I find myself in these situations , I know I am much too soft but I really don`t want to be Mrs fixit , I just want some peace in my dotage .

On the one hand we want our dc to know they can come to us at when they need to..... on the other hand..... sometimes they just need to vent.
Many's the night I've not slept only to discover later that all's good..... was never a big deal anyway, and all was fine once their frustration (for want of a better word) was offloaded onto me.

Just had an apology from DS for his attitude during the last few days. Things have been awful for him I know, but there is no need to be niggly and short with us, when we bend over backwards to support his little family.

He said the worst moment was when my DinL was vomiting, he was trying to clean up a septic wound where he has just had surgery and the 3 year old was downstairs saying that a poo was imminent. He said he dashed downstairs in the buff to plonk the youngest on the loo, then dashed back up to help his wife and take his anti-biotics. If it wasn't so awful it would almost be laughable.

The joys of family life

But that is just it isn't it NanKate Life!

Glad he apologised anyway and it shows he loves you to bits to be confident enough to sound off and also to apologise. I think the word is Breathe!

I was never close at all to my in laws and we did not have the sort of relationship that I would ever need their help. Having said that my MiL died during my first pregnancy.
My own mother would have been the very last person I would have turned to for any help and advice. That is just the way it was.
My D tells me all her problems although she doesn't expect me to sort them out, she is 300 miles away but I am her first port of call for advice and a moan. She is recently separated.
She has the same relationship with her in in laws as I had with mine, they are not interested in her or their GC. So sad but we live and learn.

annsixty. Your comment about your DDs in laws. Same here. My DDs FIL has made it very clear that he has no interest in my beautiful GC.
And yet, my SIL still makes a 5 hr round journey once a month to see him.
Beyond me why someone would do that when that person, Father or not, doesn't want to see my children (not mine, my SIL)