I hate visiting my mum!

Anya puts it exactly. My mother was very jealous and demanding. We did achieve a good relationship during the last six months of her life when she was in hospital and then a care home close by as I was calling in nearly every day - often for several hours. Just as she had wanted me to do for so many years. It salved my conscience when she died but was incredibly wearing and I turned into this meek little person doing all she asked. The care home staff actually told me to stay away one day a week at least and when she became more addled towards the end, told me I should stay away more as I was making myself ill. I went on holiday (only to London) for four days as they told me she wouldn't notice. She didn't.

It seems to be a common condition. Has anyone else seen the Tracey Ullman Show? That little woman with the demanding mother?

Take care of yourself Kitty. Can some of your offspring take on your visits for a week? Give you a complete break?

Exactly Anya - hard to deal with.

My poor Mum caused a great deal of tension in our house and it was so hard to live with. Once I left home I kept out of her way a fair bit, as did my sister. The really sad thing is that I think she meant well and was oblivious to the problems she created. She should never have married - she was temperamentally unsuited.

It was hard when she died but I came to terms with it, as did my siblings.

My heart is with kitty - been there, done that.....survived!

Anya - exactly.

Gj

Minder, that is really sad in all sorts of ways - I hope you are coping now.

This is the saddest part here. It's 'normal' to lose parents after they've had a 'good innings' - but this feeling of not having been loved, and therefore not loving back- is truly moving and sad.

Those of us who lost loving and beloved mums are indeed very very lucky to be able to look back at the wonderful times we shared throughout our lives.

Anya - you have put that so well! That is exactly how I felt and still do feel.
Thank you

Losing a 'loved one' is totally different from losing someone who should have been 'loved' but made themselves unlovable. Being there for them at the end is a duty call only, and any grief which is felt when the end does come is tinged with 'what could have been, what should have been' and possibly a big dose of relief.

So hard for you Kitty. Thinking of you at this time. I think you are very brave to admit how you are feeling, but as you see on here many of us have felt the same way. Take time out when you need it.

Oh, Kitty, my heart so goes out to you! Hard enough to have to watch a mother dying without the added pain of still having an issue between you. I would suggest forgiving her, if only to make things easier for you. But I imagine that would be hard to do if you still feel the favoritism is there.

You've been wonderful, so far, and if it really means so much to you to "show" (I'm not sure to whom) that your and your brothers are "working together," then, by all means, keep it up. But, IMO, you can cut back a little now. I don't say not to go there at all cuz people need to go and make sure she's ok and so forth. But if you're not going there with a heartfull of love, I imagine she can feel it, so it's not doing either of you any good emotionally. IMO, even though she's dying, you both need a little space.

Whatever you do, wishing you all the strength you need to do it.

Nannypiano, you are a saint! How lucky your GM was to have you! But she must have been a very loving woman whom you were happy to care for.

I know it was painful to lose her and my heart aches for your loss. But I'm sure the doctor felt he did all he could. It's normal, though, I think to look back and question this and that. But actually, I doubt there was any way anybody could save her - it was her time. Please take comfort in the fact that you could happily be there for her and that she's now at peace/out of pain.

Meanwhile, my heart is with everyone here who has suffered the loss of a loved one or "lost" is "losing' the person they knew to dementia. Mander, especially wishing you all the strength and wisdom you need.

Peace and (((hugs))) to all!

Thinking of you Kitty. Just take a day at a time. xx

How true kittylester - the sadness I felt on my mother's death was for what could, in fact what should have been in our family life. Her selfish, self centred behaviour meant that we had a cold, loveless childhood and sadly none of us, even the 'favourite' son felt any grief just relief but we all know that we did our best for her when she needed us to, not that it was appreciated.

I didn't realise Kitty when I tactlessly said a few days ago that you would remember the happy times with your mum after she had gone,, well obviously sadly you didn't have any happy times. It must be such an ordeal. I hope the end comes soon.

I've nothing to add kitty but send my regards. Life can be so hard but keep talking I think it helps.

Kitty it's horrendous - the constant guilt of knowing you have to visit but don't want to go - if you go the terrible feelings of helplessness and wishing you were elsewhere. My heart goes out to you and to all those who are going through the same thing or have just lost their loved one. My mum was in care for 3 years and finally passed away 4 years ago this June. She didn't know me and was crippled with arthritis, totally deaf and couldn't talk. She was like a small doll laid in bed at the end barely conscious - before that she had to be hoisted from the chair in the room with all the other residents which made her scream and fed like a baby - she was totally incontinent and her leg had atrophied so she was virtually in the foetal position most of the time. The last time I went I sat with her for a long time and finally told her as I left that she could go and join my dad and her dear mother and sister. I had to go away for the weekend and got a phone call to say she'd gone on the Sunday morning so I had to rush back. Don't beat yourself up about how you feel - it's perfectly natural.

Are you my long lost sister Emelle? Divide and rule was my mum's modus operandi too which is why we didn't speak for so long - we all missed so much.

Thank you for kind comments mumofmadboys! We get on well and it isn't his fault so no hard feelings there, from either me or big brother. Amongst her other 'talents', my mother used to divide and conquer but we worked as a team to support and help each other in the last six months of her life so get on better now than we have ever done.

I'm sorry Emelle.That sounds very hard to live with. It's sad that your mum's bitterness showed to the end. Gosh most of us mums make every effort to be exactly fair to our kids and to promote good relationships between the children. I hope you and your brother can enjoy good relationships with your other brother.

So understand how you feel. I could write a book on my mother and her nasty ways. I am one of three , the only girl and she was jealous of me from the day I was born until the day she died. The middle one , the younger of my two brothers was always her favourite and she rewrote her will after our father died so that he inherited a far greater proportion of the estate than my other brother and me. My father would have been distraught if he had known.
I carried on visiting and helping out right up to the end to support my brothers and because I didn't want to stoop to her level.
It is is so hard to accept that your mother is like that and even harder for other people to understand especially when they have had a lovely Mum.

Kitty a big hug
This time last year my father slipped away from us under the bright easter moon
Like you I was visiting and hating every minute of it.
He was just as you describe your dear mother and also on end of life care.
It was very distressing as I was on my own my sister was in France.
I had asked my children not visit as I wanted them to remember him how he was their Gramps.
Now the anniversary approaches this week and I am trying to remember him as a fun loving dad + not the shell of a man lying in a bed.

What gets me through now is that my mum and dad are together

to everyone in a sad situation
Wishing in you lives very soon

Thanks Alea.

There is world of difference between visiting a mother who has not been very loving and visiting a much loved son. We spent six weeks in Japan when our son almost died. We would do that again in a heartbeat and I will continue to visit mum and do whatever is necessary until the end.

Libbysmum I am sure your comment was not meant unkindly and all of us would hope that none of our DC dreaded visiting us in our last week's/months/years even, but it sounded very judgemental of those (and I include myself) of us who are able to admit honestly to sentiments you seem to find unnatural.
As such that is not particularly helpful.
I imagine there are few people other than perhaps one's DH with whom one could share what kitty has said and I absolutely applaud her honesty. It will not have stopped her visiting her mum or given her mum any inkling of her feelings, so let's not judge, let's show more compassion.

Agree with Christingle. Wouldn't like to think my children dreaded visiting their dying Mum for the reasons given. We're all going to die and we could easily be in the same position in the future. In an ideal world I'd want my children there holding my hand. My son, 39, nearly died last year but I was there every day even though it was sometimes a 5 hour round trip if there was a problem on M25. I'm 70 this year and it was hard but I'd do it all again.

My heart goes out to your Mum , I truly hope the end comes for her soon . x

The Alzeimer society have a brilliant forum called Talking Point..just reading people's experience with what this thread is discussing was v comforting when I went thru this with my my mum...I'd often read it in those dark early hours when ur mind goes over everything ..
guilt was always a theme

Kitty, if your Mum knows you are there tell her that you love her. My Mum has just died and I can't say that any more - I do wish I'd told her more often.