I hate visiting my mum!

Kitty you are a hero! You couldn't have done more for your mother - and you've done far more than a lot of daughters would.

When I was running around after my mother (with whom I didn't have a brilliant relationship) my DD gave me the following advise taken from the airlines - Always fix your own oxygen mask before helping others. Look after yourself. (((Hugs)))

Kitty, please don't apologise, you are not moaning. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when he was 52 and he'd had it for a good couple of years before then. It was absolutely horrible for the next few years with him being so terrified and upset about what was happening to him and it was hard to care for him because he hadn't been the best husband by any stretch of the imagination. But, we do it don't we. He's been ill for 15 years now and has been in the home for longer than any other resident. My life goes on pretty much as normal, or as normal as it can and I go and see him but only every month or so. He hasn't got a clue who I am, he hasn't for years and there is no eye contact and he can't talk but I go and I talk to him for a short time and then go and visit my neighbour who is in the same home. When my phone rings and the name of the home comes up, my heart flips wondering if it's bad news and I can truthfully say, if it was me in the home, he wouldn't be visiting me.

Like everything else that hits us smack in the face in life, we learn to live with it and deal with it don't we. My worry is........ who's going to look after me and make sure I'm ok when I'm old

Kittylester, I have to admit I felt exactly the same as you, for many of the same reasons (mine was never a good motheror affectionate woman, always chose the nasty comment over the nice, and I could not cope with all the same physical aspects you mention). I really, really struggled through this last year, looking after her one day a week. The incontinence, the shouting, the nonstop everything. I had to steel myself to go every single time, hating it, hating myself for being such a rubbish daughter too. I did feel human compassion for the state she was in, but I found it so hard to deal with in person. I have never been able to tell anybody how I felt, you are so much more open and honest. She died 3 weeks ago, and my overwhelming feeling has been of release. I wish you strength too, amid all the support and good advice above. X

With my parents I later realised that this was all part of the gradual process of letting go. As time went on you could see that there was no hope of recovery and this helped you to accept the inevitable. I made bargains with myself such as, if they have to be ill please don't let them have to go through a big operation. Later it was , if there is no cure please don't let there be too much pain. Then at the end when you just did'nt want to see them in that condition any more, please let something happen one way or the other before too long. I think it all played a part in accepting that the end was near.

kitty - I'm going through this too just now - my relationship with my mother wasn't good all the time - but strangely now I see her so frail - can't talk, eat, just lying there and all I can do is hold her hand and stroke her forehead - I just feel love. I don't care what happened when, where and all that has passed before - in that moment when I'm with her I know it's precious - and all I feel is love - and I hope she feels that too. So good kitty your friends keep your spirits up at this time. What a lovely support on gransnet too.

Kitty, my heart well and truly goes out to you.
I have worked on a ward for Elderly Patients for very many years, and as such, I have had lots of contact with relatives of dying patients.
I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it is to see Family members desperately trying to be with their loved ones all of the time, regardless of the effect that it has on themselves, and indeed their Family. The guilt that they feel if they cannot be there all of the time is almost palpable.
Dear Kitty, all I can say to you is that YOU also need a lot of TLC at this very difficult time.
You have done as much as you can for your Mum, you cannot do anymore without it affecting your own health.
Your Mums' time is sadly drawing to a close, but please Kitty, think about yourself too. Big Hugs to You .

My mum had a terrible stroke that took away all quality of life, speech, movement awareness --- everything, she lived for nearly nine years. For the first 8 weeks I visited every day, then when she went to a nursing home every other day, but gradually over the years I dropped it to once a week. My three brothers did not live locally so saw her occasionally. The local high dependency nursing home we first chose said they couldn't take her due to her needs!!

Dad was alive for the first 21 months after her stroke, and went in three days a week. He was war disabled so he used a car service, as I was at work full time. I also took him at the weekend.
When he died, very unexpectedly and suddenly, the four of us went in to tell her--- it was pitiful, she just kept looking at us, and after a while said very clearly 'it's your Dad isn't it?, one of the few times in those early months when she spoke. She then stopped eating for about three days, but lived in another 7 years ---just a skeleton in a bed. The nursing home said they had never had a case where the 'well' spouse had died first.
She lost the sight of one eye whilst in the geriatric hospital, the nurses said it was cream they were putting into her eye for her conjunctivitis, which developed immediately after her stroke, but it turned out to be an abscess, and when her cornea burst...... ---her screaming will haunt us. The nurses had moved her into a side ward and said it was the affects of continuing mini strokes that affected her caused her to be distressed and made her scream! The eye surgeon was called at that point, and said it was a fully preventable eye condition and if he had been called he would have seen her, and treated her, and saved her eye. He said the eye was gone, but he would do what he could to save her life. He was soon silenced, the wall of hospital 'we do no wrong' attitude was tightly shut.

My parents were both in the Army in the 2nd world war, and they were both treated awfully in hospital at the end of their lives, there was no real care. My father was admitted at 3:30pm with all the symptoms of a heart attack, but he wasn't treated for it, just connected to a heart monitor. At 9:00pm he was dead. My mother has been his legs for 50 years, and without her.....

When we complained or questioned we were either made to feel 'we are the medics, we know what we are doing' , or were just ignored. My mum was the only patient in the geriatric hospital who had had such a catastrophic stroke, all the others were either broken bones, hip replacements or improving stroke patients, when I used to go in at the end of my working day, to sometimes find her slumped in a chair in a harness, on the edge of the seat where she had slipped down, the other old ladies used to say how awful my mother was treated. Often when we went in at meal/ drink time her food or drink was on her bed tray totally out of reach but in view, with no speech or movement, she couldn't communicate, or even use a buzzer, always placed on her bed, that she wanted her drink or food - what type of care is that?

I could go on as this is just the highlights, but once you start you do not know where to stop........

Could we have done more?!, those 8 weeks were one of the most disturbing times of my life, the nursing home we luckily found treated her like a princess, no bed sores in their care!!

Our relationship was good, we all loved her and she loved us ---unconditionally. I like to think she would not have been disappointed at what we did and how we tried to make her life bearable. We talk of our parents lots, and try to only remember the good times and those values they instilled in us In a very working class household. Thanks to them we all did very well in life.
We all do our best, even when others conspire against us, love never dies, (((hugs))) to everyone going through difficult end of life care of their parents and family.

I understand how hard it is when you have had a troubled relationship with someone who is dying. I can only say that I have been in that boat and have come to terms with it all now she is dead - she died 10 years ago. I found it hard to start with, but all the people who knew how difficult she could be during her life helped me to get over that guilt and see it all for how it really was.

You are doing the right thing to only go in when you are able; and you will come to terms with it after her death I am sure. I am glad that you have these good friends to whom you can turn.

Thank you all for being kind

Part of my issue with my mum is that we have had a troubled past and she has caused huge problems and rifts in our family and also prefers my brothers and, particularly one brother's only daughter.

One reason why I am determined to stick with it is that it proves my brothers and I are united and working together.

Mum would haunt me for ever if I suggested bringing any sort of religion into the equation.

Minder, how much worse for you - I apologise for moaning. Take care and come and tell us about it all if it would help.

I had a long gossipy lunch with a couple of really good friends who listened patiently so I feel loads better but it's my turn to visit tomorrow.

I do feel for you Kitty.

I so remember those last weeks with my Mum, who had decided enough was enough and stopped eating and drinking. I decided if that was what she wanted I would go with it, not an easy thing to do. I hated sitting there waiting. I wanted it all to come to an end quickly and felt bad about that too.

I'm so pleased the rift with your brothers has been addressed.

In time to come you will think back to some happy times with your Mum and these last miserable weeks will slowly drift from you memory.

Kitty, I am sure you are very tired, and have done so well for you mum, I haven't contributed much to your posts, just admired how much you achieve. I do not think you should be so hard on yourself. We are all human, and watching our loved ones die is a sadness few can share, but everyone here is on your side.

My Mum is 94 and has had a heart attack and two strokes over the past few years. She is very frail and weak and suffering from vascular dementia which is gradually getting worse. She gets very confused over certain things and has now reached the stage of trying to go out at midnight. Fortunately she made so much noise a neighbour in the next flat woke up and got her back indoors. My brother and I are agonising over whether it's time for residential care. Between us we are keeping things going for Mum, shopping, cleaning, laundry etc. but it's becoming a strain now as we are not exactly spring chickens ourselves. I sometimes dread my visits to Mum because I never know what I'm going to find. She had the fire brigade out the other night at 10.45pm because she microwaved something to death and set off all the fire alarms in her block. Some of the poor oldies were evacuated from their beds until the crisis was over. It's very tough seeing the Mum you love deteriorating and I have every sympathy for anyone dealing with this awful situation. It's important to have some 'me' time in between visits and be kind to yourself.

I'm very sorry too Kitty. It's horrible. My husband isn't 'like' my husband anymore because of his advanced dementia. He hasn't got any teeth left (God knows where they've all gone, suppose he's swallowed most) and he's grey and skinny and looks many years older than his 65 years. He's been rushed off to hospital so many times with chest infections or pneumonia and I've gone and sat with him every day, all day thinking he could go at any time and he's still here. I sometimes wish he would go. They have no quality of life and yet they seem to hang on...... I don't like visiting either and I don't go 2/3 times a week, you are wonderful to go so often, especially when you are so upset seeing her as she is now.

Sorry if I offended anyone by saying this.
Mum had been slipping in and out of consciousness for over a week and just taking odd sip of water. One afternoon I held her hand and gently told her that it was ok to slip away. She died that night.

Once the driver was in place my Mum passed after about fifteen hours. It was hard that she immediately fell into being unconscious never to wake again but her last hours were peaceful and I spent time with her as did close family. I still bare guilt for things I felt or didn't do, for loosing patience in her last weeks which were so stressful. I nursed her at home and her wish to die at home was fulfilled. I bitterly regret many things, despite doing all I could to help and comfort her. I I wsh someone had been honest enough to tell me that the guilt is very real. I would have gone the extra mile and done even more. She had a good death, I am not sorry that I kept her home I just wish the last few weeks were different and that now after three years I wouldn't still feel so sad and have regrets that can never be changed.

having been in a similar situation my thoughts are with you, take care you are doing your best in one of the most difficult situations we have to face.

Having just been though a similar situation, I really understand how difficult this is for you. Above all else, my brothers and I had to keep reminding ourselves that our Mother was a human being who needed to be treated with compassion and dignity. There were several occasions over the six months from August to her death in February, when I had to miss visiting for a few days at a time as the situation was getting me so stressed but that was worth doing because I went back refreshed and able to cope again. Take care of your Mum but don't forget to take care of yourself.

Oh I do feel for you Kitty. When my Mum succomed to severe Alzheimers Disease and vascular dementia and was moved into a care home under a place of safety order, I had to brace myself before each visit. As she deteriorated, I hated going to see this person who was no longer my Mum and who had no quality of life anymore. Although my relationship with her had never been easy, she was my mother and I loved her.

We were told before Christmas 2013 that she didn't have long to live but she hung on until the end of January 2014. Each time the phone rang I thought that was it, and, by the time she died, I was an emotional wreck.

Writing this is bringing back the guilt I felt at not wanting to visit her, and the effort it took to do so. I live nearly 4 hours away from where she was so wasn't able to go very regularly, but still feel guilty that I didn't go more often. Some consolation is the fact that Mum never remembered whether I had been or not.

This is so hard for you, Kitty, and I hope, for your sake, it will resolve itself soon. Love and hugs.

Kitty I do wonder if the visiting is stopping her going. Some people like to die in peace. Perhaps she needs to be left alone . Sounds harsh I know but not everyone can let go easily.

Hi Kitty,
As you see by many that you are not alone, me being another.

My old ma is 98 and so desires to get to 100. She is still able to wonder around without a stick, but does continually repeat herself, which can be very tiring as this is getting worse.

Can't write anymore as I have a young granddaughter sticking her chin into my shoulders!

So sorry for you. Have just been through this myself with MIL who died three weeks ago. Hard but later you have the comfort of knowing you did all you could.
Everything passes.

Just been through this with my mum. I hated going to visit, and seeing her deteriorate but in the end I was with her when she passed away and I was able to see it was peaceful. Three weeks on, this is greatly comforting. My thoughts are with you as I know how difficult it is to watch someone dying slowly bit by bit xx

I cared for my grand mother for the last six years of her life, from 87 to 94. She was quite mobile when she came to me, but quickly deteriorated as the years went by, of course. The last year I was spoon feeding her, had an alarm fitted in my bedroom, to wake me in the night if she needed the toilet, which was often too late by the time I got to her. I am not looking for a pat on the back or sympathy. I owed it to her as she brought me up and none of her own children would take her in. The point I am getting to is, that one day our family doctor came in and said it's time to start the morphine, so that she didn't have any pain. A nurse came out shortly after to insert a tube into her hip. She quickly fell asleep, not regaining consciousness again. A McMillan nurse came in the evening and my grandmother died at around ten pm that night. It was all very dignified, with no pain for her. I am sure that is what she would have chosen although I felt at the time that the doctor was ending her life and acting a bit like god. What does everyone else think?

Its the guilt that is s hard to deal with. You feel guilty if you don't go and guilty if you do, because of the way you feel! Very familiar feelings. My Mother passed away in January, and I had all these feelings. But I stuck it out, and was with her at the end. This has helped in the last few months. Don't beat yourself up about negative thoughts. You are only human, and very normal.

So sorry for you but I think most comments are saying what they think you need to hear. I disagree! Do everything you can with love. Your Mum will soon be gone and the guilt you feel after is awful and stays a very long time. Spend every moment you can with her and touch her tenderly, speak soft words of love. Ignore the parts that you find distasteful and just be there for her in the last weeks of her life.