I hate visiting my mum!

Visiting loved ones who are dying and in distress is horrendous and I don't think any normal person wants to visit in these circumstances. We all do it out of a sense of duty and we feel guilty when we are not there. I think the stress is made worse when relationships have been fraught in the past.

Why is no one mentioning the absolute pointlessness and inhumanity of keeping people alive for a few more days/weeks in these circumstances? We put animals out of their misery when we think their lives have become unbearable, but since Shipman.....

I don't want end of life care, I want an end of life pill so that my family doesn't have to endure the horrible times so many of us have to go through.

Just do what you feel you can. It is a very difficult situation to go through. Try not to reproach yourself. I think anyone who has been in a similar position recognises your feelings.

Kitty, I am so very sorry. I can only say - my adored father died nineteen years ago, he was my Dad and my best friend, in the last weeks of his life I couldn't visit him, my mother, three sisters and brother were with him through those weeks, he sent me a message via a sister telling me he understood and for me to spend the time in the mountains . I still regret not being with him when he died , I cannot change it, but I still hurt , I didn't attend his funeral but he and I had discussed this when he was well , but even though he sent that message I still wish I had been with him through those weeks , so for me staying away has caused more pain than being with him

As a ex nurse, I agree with Riverwalk. Your mum should be on a syringe driver set up by the district nurses. This is a much more humane approach, and ensures that distressing symptoms are minimised by a variety of drugs that deal with piain, breathlessness and agitation, for example.

On a different level. No one has mentioned having spiritual beliefs that may help. When my dad was dying, I knew he would soon be in a better place. He had been saying that he had seen his mother, brother and sister, who were waiting for him. This was a few days before he died. It brought immense comfort to me. As I nurse, I have seen this happen many times when people were nearing the end. Why is this not talked about?

I know not everyone shares my beliefs, but they can be a great comfort.

Kitty, my sympathy to you in such a difficult situation, and very brave of you to admit how you feel. I felt the same visiting my Mum (she had dementia and severe osteoporosis, was on morphine and her end of life care lasted about a month). I hated visiting her, hated what I saw, hated what she had to endure, hated the fact that she didn't deserve it and most of all hated that I could do no more to help her. That was more than 5 years ago, and I still (when I allow myself to think about it) feel so, so guilty. As others on here have said, take care of you and keep strong.

This has gone on so long Kitty that it is no wonder that you are feeling enormous strain. To be told that your Mum has only a couple of days left and then find she is still hanging on 7 weeks later must be so hard. You were on a high state of readiness and that turned out to be misplaced so it's now a case of watching and waiting again.

I had something similar with my 93-year old Dad, but only over two weeks. He got a venous ulcer on his leg which turned into full blown gangrene and meant his leg had to be amputated. He had a stroke on the operating table and never came round but remained unconscious. I took a week off work and flew to the island (where my parents and some of my family lived) and sat by his bed on and off for the whole week expecting his demise every day. He was on a morphine pump and had no food or drink and his breathing seemed to indicate that the end was near. It got to the Sunday afternoon and I knew I had to fly back for work next day. That was a difficult journey.

He died the following Friday just as I was preparing to fly out again for the weekend.

You can only do so much and it seems to me that you have been both steadfast and dutiful Kitty. No-one can ask for more than that. Your Mum is lucky to have a daughter like you.

kitty I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time of it at the moment. When you say you only go 2/3 times a week that is a lot to do when you have a home and family to support - it takes a lot out of you. From what you have told me of your relationship with your Mother it hasn't been an easy one so you are doing well. Give yourself a break.

kitty lots of wonderful advice and well worded sympathy.
I can add nothing to what has already been said. It's hard and I wish you strength (hugs)

It's agonising to watch the deterioration that comes with end of life , the ups and downs of close relationships inevitably impact. Memory can be a tricky thing to manage. Please care for yourself kitty, I've been so impressed at how you have managed. Just sending a huge hug.

Riverwalk, I'm sorry I didn't reply to your question.

Mum is in a Care home and currently has morphine patches. She has dementia and copd. She was in hospital over New Year with sepsis and then came back to the home. About 7 weeks ago we were told that she had a couple of days left.

(((hugs))), Nellie. That was a real nightmare fir you. I'm sure you did what you could and shouldn't feel guilty. I know that is easy to say but more difficult to manage.

I'm going out with a couple of friends at lunchtime and they will say all the right things, as does DH, but the problem is still there.

Kitty I understand how visiting can be difficult. In February 2002 my mum was already showing signs of dementia. My father was 86 and had been reasonably fit but suffering from stomach problems.

A couple of times in the previous year mum had stopped eating and drinking enough and became dehydrated. She did not want to eat and was getting angry if you tried to encourage her to do anything much.

In February my mum was sent off into hospital again dehydrated and my dad was showing signs of jaundice, within a couple of days both parents were in different hospitals 10 miles apart.

My mum then went into residential care as dad was in hospital and I was still working. I found visiting my mum was a nightmare. She was very unsettled and after a few days spent the time shouting out that she was dying. The other residents did not like this and were beginning to be nasty.

I was trying to visit as often as possible to two different places. But with my dad terminally ill and visiting with my mum totally stressful. I found it hard to cope and cut down the days I visited my visited mum. My dad died in mid April. My mum was in the care home and stopped eating and drinking again and the week after his funeral, which she could not attend, she went back into hospital very ill.

That week was dreadful. She was lying in bed shouting that she was dying and what really made it worse was when she was shouting at me to "wake dad up and tell him I'm dying."
I am not sure I had realised just how bad her dementia was maybe because of the support dad had been giving. I know
My reaction was unreasonable given her mental state but that is how I felt.

There would be things while mum was still in hospital like me just commenting that it was "a lovely day outside" and her then shouting at me that she did not want to go out she was too ill.
My sister was supportive as possible and spent a lot of time driving up the 120 miles from Bristol.

Mum was in nursing care from late April until early she died in early June.

I do feel still feel guilty about this worked out.

Well, do what you can, what you want- and NO more. Take care of yourself xxx

Thank you all for being lovely - it has helped! I have realised that part of my problem is that I've often disappointed mum and I'm disappointed that I find visiting so awful.

Some of you might remember that mum caused a rift (now healed) between my brothers and me so I am determined to pull my weight as far as visiting goes. I only go 2/3 times a week at the moment but 'it' never goes away. Added to which, my younger brother can't drive at the moment so it is down to me and our other brother.

Everything considered what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I just hope you don't have to go through this for too much longer (((hugs))))

You've done your very best, despite having a difficult relationship with your mum.
If you truly don't want to go- no-one will blame you ((((hugs)))))

Hope this situation will not be too long xxx

Kitty I know what you mean. I will explain tomorrow.(((hugs))) for now.

I'm sorry that your Mum is lingering. It makes it so hard for everyone. Try and decide how many times a week you want to and are able to visit and stick to it unless the situation changes. That way you can relax on the other days and not feel guilty.

kitty This is such a hard time for you. No-one could reproach you if you take a day off from visiting your Mum - even if that turns out to be the time of her departure. You need to take care of you.

I felt the same way during my beloved step father's last weeks. I'm so sorry Kitty

This must be so distressing for you Kitty,

Speaking as a nurse who often does 'End of Life Care' in the patient's own home ....... I hate to be factual here but by 'end of life care' do you mean that your mother has a syringe-driver running? If so, there should be no need to 'encourage fluids'.

Is there any involvement of a hospice team or Marie Curie?

I curse those hospitals who abused the Liverpool Care Pathway and applied it to the wrong patients - when used appropriately it provided a very clear care plan for effective end of life care, wherein a patient was attached to a syringe-driver which delivered measured doses of drugs including analgesia, and sedatives which help prevent hallucinations. But, the LCP is no more.

kitty I'm sending a big hug, you are doing your best in difficult circumstances, and it's been a long road.

Oh kitty - how I do understand this. For me it was hard to deal with as the person whose life was coming to an end was a mother whom wished I could have loved wholeheartedly; but the fact was that I could not and did not.

Just allow yourself to feel what you feel - there is no right or wrong in this situation. You can only do your best within your own limitations - none of us can do anything else.

The physical facts of slowly dying can be so hard to watch, so do not beat yourself up if you are finding it hard - or indeed find some of it repellent. You are only human. Full marks for your honesty; and also for continuing to visit in spite of your feelings. Only do as much as you can do - do not set yourself unrealistic goals.

If it helps - I felt just the same.

kitty it is the unacceptable face of family life but it is a fact all the same that when things get to the stage you are at now with your mother it is totally OK to wish the end would come. The last week with my mum was awful ,watching the restlessness and the shouting out. I stayed at her RH several nights,they would find me an empty bed and when I woke I would creep into her room almost praying she would not be breathing. Sod's law applied of course in that
I had gone home for one night and she died the next morning while I was in the car on my way.
Your feelings are quite normal given your relationship with her and I hope no guilt is attached to the way you feel. You have been a very good daughter.

kitty Your post brings back memories. Mum's end of life was almost identical to what you're going through at the moment. The hallucinations were horrible especially as I visited every day.

I often pulled over into a layby on the way home because I couldn't see through tears. They weren't tears of sadness because I'd done all that but you feel so helpless and it just goes on and on and on.

Feel as sorry for yourself as you need to. I felt like I was on auto pilot and zombied my way through life. At one point I couldn't even speak to her carers when they came in the room without crying because I knew they knew I would be back again the next day to face the same thing.

One bit of advice.....When it's all over and you've dealt with the funeral etc., you will feel totally wiped out. Don't feel guilty if you fall asleep in the middle of the day or put off chores like shopping. It took me six months to feel normal again.

'Keep your chin up' might sound a bit flip but I can't think of any other way to put it.