I hate visiting my mum!

Thanks everyone. Will continue ranting again asap! ?

gilly, I'm sure eventually those memories will fade and the best bits of your Mum are what you will remember.

Morghew, it's just a case of waiting for Mum to go now. And, my brothers and I have had a mixed relationship with mum so it's a bit weird. The care staff are lovely and we look after each other too.

I was extremely lucky with my husband - he was under the care of our local hospice - whenever he was in hospital the Hospital Team visited him, a Community Sister came to see him at home and was there for me too. I attended a Carer's Skills course and the Family Support Team are there for me. The End of Life Care had was superb and I had so much support. His death was very peaceful and I was there holding his hand. Is there nothing like that available for you in your area Kitty - you would probably need a referral from your mother's GP.

Oh how awful for you kitty

I know exactly how it feels to sit and watch and wait.

It has been just over 4 weeks since I lost my mum and I can't get the picture of her lying there, out of my head. In the last days it just wasn't "her" any more and that is the picture I see when I am lying awake at night, not the picture of her smiling or laughing.

When my grandma died back in September it was different. She had lived a long life and she had simply reached the end. She died looking peaceful and like "herself" and was "with it" right until the last. When I close my eyes and think of her I see my lovely, smiling, funny, awkward as hell grandma.

I've just caught up with this thread while sitting in mum's room wondering whether she will wake up and, if she does, will she still think I'm my brother?

Mum seems to have plateaued.

WendyS So did my OH (she's his Aunt) when he lived up there, but he is obviously looking for ? status

Kudos to both you ladies for being there for your aunts!

Mini, the relatives who live closer must have had their fill years ago!

florentina keep venting on here! Many of us have been/are going through the same, or similar, scenarios, so can empathise with you. We've been accused of all sorts by an Aunt because we have PoA over her. Fortunately, the family and friends (and her solicitor!) know the situation, but it still hurts, doesn't it? The irony is that we live over 200 miles away and have done far more (making the journey a few times per year) than her relatives who live round the corner from her!

Your Aunt sounds very similar to ours - never was a very nice person and old age hasn't improved things Just do what you feel able to do and try to rise above it all

Oh, florentina, your aunt sounds like a pill. Please don't pay attention to any of her (well-meaning ?) friends. Especially if they're from far away. They only know your aunts version of what's going on and clearly that's distorted and geared towards gaining sympathy. Good that you came to vent here though.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

And who can blame you fiorentina ?

Like other posters we have had to empty houses after the deaths of relatives. In my case, first my brother then my FIL. Bless my FIL once his wife went into care, he gradually emptied his home of stuff which made our task a bit easier. We also had to move my aunt from a 3 bed house to a 1 bed bungalow. The house was stuffed to the rafters with 32 years worth of junk. She refused to help us, with the consequence that we had to make decisions on the hoof as we only had 2 days to move her. For the next 6 months I was accused of all sorts of thievery and my name and that of my husband was blackened to all and sundry.
Getting back to the original post. I have had sole responsibility for my unmarried aunt for the last 5 years. She has never been a nice person and is even worse now at the age of 85. I really resent any time spent with her but do what I can out of duty. I often feel guilty for not liking her but after 62 years of being told how much she sacrificed to come and help look after my brother and me, I've had enough.?

One of the positive spin-offs of managing the slow deaths of both our parents, was that my sister, brother and I became much closer, and this has persisted. I think both my parents would be pleased about that.

We shared out the tasks, with me dealing with the care management side (I am a retired social worker), my brother the money (he's good with all that stuff) and my sister the bulk of the visiting (she was the only one who lived near them). I even used to organise my Dad's online food deliveries from 120 miles away - I would ring the live-in carer each week and formulate a shopping list, and I had Dad's card details to pay for it.

It is good kitty that you are able to share the burden with your siblings and I hope that, like us, it will bring you closer together.

That is so true Granjura, my MIL had a stroke last July and went into a vegetative state, no hope for recovery. After discussions with the consultant no further treatment was given and she died 4 weeks later. Terrible for all the family as she had been a very fit active 78 year old up to the stroke. Unfortunately one of my brother in laws was in denial, he would text everyone when he was visiting that she was speaking , opening her eyes, generally responding. She wasn't and whatever his reasons for dong this , wishful thinking etc, it caused a lot of extra grief especially to the grandchildren who wanted to believe it. Over this time we all took turns and stayed with her until the end, and no one else saw these signs of recovery. She died last August and his behaviour has caused a bit of a rift with his 2 brothers.

Good on you Minder- take care and courage

Worse is, is that there is often 1 of the siblings, or close relatives- who just can't let go- and will insist on ressusitation, antibiotics, 'force' feeding- etc - and putting huge guilt on those who think it is best not to- telling them they are callous and cruel- when in fact it is, to my mind, exactly the opposite.

Janey, since it's the green BG, I think that's normal. That's what I always see on my posts, too.

I'm going to pare down my belongings, also, as time goes on. Don't want to make it hard on my DDs.

granjura, I've done my husband's end of life plan and informed everyone that I don't want him to be rushed off to hospital again if he gets a bad chest infection or pneumonia. I want him to be kept comfortable in his own room and with the staff there caring for him. And me of course. I have a DNR of course too. In my own mind, I feel sure that's what he'd want and I've spoken to his two daughters, sister and brothers about it and they all agree. Only one daughter comes to see him but the others live further away. Sadly the brothers and one daughter don't even ask me how he is.

janeayressister I could have almost written your post. I cleared out my fathers house 3 years ago when he died. Worse was sorting my MiL house when she went into a home. I felt I was violating her privacy. Like you it's made me determined to have a good old clear out so my children are not faced with the clearing my stuff. The other lesson I learnt was to not save for best. The amount of things I found in both houses still in their original wrapping paper was sinful. What made it worse was my dad went round looking like a tramp yet his wardrobe was bursting with good quality clothes, mostly bought by us. My MiL was much much worse. Every nook and cranny was filled with with stuff saved for best. I wanted to cry what was she thinking, now there would never be a best. Why didn't she share or gift it to people I'll never know. What a waste. Perhaps it was being a child of the 1930's. Who knows

Wendysue, it pleases my brothers and I that we can do this together, that's why I want to do my bit. Having said that, Mum is often asleep when they go and is always awake and 'chatty' when I go. Not sure what, if anything, that says.

I have been poorly today and not gone when it was my 'turn'. One of my brothers went out of turn. As the oldest child, only daughter and, according to them, the bossy one, I organise the 'rota'. For the first time in ages we have a normal bantering relationship - despite (and probably because of) Mum and I am not going to jeopardise that.

I mean my posts have a green background like the OP.

I have the death of three elderly people to look forward to.( shudders) I cleared my DFs house out and recently my MILs house. They were stuffed to the gunnels with a mixture of junk and treasures. ( mainly Junk) We found money stuffed everywhere so we couldn't just shovel it up into a skip.

As they only lived in two rooms the rest were left to rot. They resented my going to their houses to clean. 'Sit here', patting a cushion beside them, 'come and talk to me. ' This translates to them talking non -stop ( no talking from me at all) about people I barely knew, who are either half dead or dying. I sound horrible but I do love my MIL, Step MILand FIL.and have exhausted ourselves trying to keep them afloat. So afterwards when my parents died and my MIL went into a home, I was left to clean up unimaginable filth.

None of my children wanted antiques, or grandfather clocks etc , or beautiful knives and forks, still wrapped up ( 100 years old) boxes of coins after their GPs.

Last time It took a month for us to get it all to an auction, charity shops and rubbish tips. It was utterly exhausting.
It has taught me a lesson. I am going to pare all my belongings down to the bare minimum. I am NOT going to do to my DCs what has been done to us.

jayneayressister - one day, and perhaps not now or on this thread- your post should be discussed- as it is so so important. The Liverpool Pathway was much much kinder I feel- and it was dropped due to the public's outcry - I feel we will live to regret this and demand for it to be back. To shorten suffering all round- firstly for the dying parent. Ressucitating someone in end of life care and giving antibiotics is beyond cruel - for all involved and totally nonsensical.

Really, I agree with Retro - take a break from visiting for a while, Kitty, or go there when she's asleep. As I said before, no need to "show her" anything or "prove" anything to anyone. Go only when you can with a willing heart. Many (((hugs)))

Jane, are you referring to a green background or green print? I notice my replies always come out with a green background though I think it only looks that way to me. Probably so we can each find our own replies more quickly if we want to look back at what we said. Haven't you ever noticed a green BG on your posts before?

I notice the OP's posts always have a green BG, as well. I imagine that's so we can all be sure which posts are the OP's.

But if you mean that the print is green, then I'm at a loss. GN will have to explain.

I have had two relatives close to death and I also curse the end of the Liverpool Pathway. My Father died age 96 and so wanted to die as it was an undignified and messy end. We just had to sit watching him for the 4 months it took him to die. He said to me ' kill me' obviously I couldn't do it.

My MIL is in a nursing home and nearly died before Christmas and was revived and fed anti biotics. She did say ' I don't want to go in a home I want to die. She would have died in December without intervention. Now she is in a home and her quality of life is not only nil but wasn't what she wanted.

When I sat day after day with my Father, the whole thing made me feel sick, both for him and for me. So you are not alone OP.

Does anyone know why my reply is green?

Oh, I so understand what you are going through. My mum had dementia and towards the end she was in the same state (I use that word deliberately) as yours. I was particularly repulsed (again, deliberate use of that word) by the state of my mum's teeth and the way she gripped the spoon rightly with them. It's hard; it's so hard to keep visiting. Is your mum being well looked after? If so, please do give yourself a break. I did that for a while, explained myself to the lovely staff who took very good care of her and they understood and were very kind. The other thing I did for a while was to go in when I knew she was usually asleep just for a little while. I'd chat with the staff to make sure she was ok, sit for a while, knit and/or read and stroke her hand. No interaction, because she was asleep, but also no screaming, or staring wildly and no views of teeth. A cop-out? Yes, maybe.
It's a rubbish illness to see and incredibly difficult for families as well as the person themself, of course. My brother didn't visit mum very often at all - he couldn't cope with her taking all her clothes off. I understand that and he was absolutely brilliant at dealing with admin stuff e.g. Power of Attorney and so on, and looking after her house. We all do what we can, when we can. There isn't one answer which suits everyone.
Another suggestion is to google Alzheimer's Society. Their Talking Point forum is fantastic - no reflection on Gransnet, which is also fantastic, but everyone on there has direct experience of this dreadful illness. I had some wonderful support, sometimes in the wee small hours when things always seem awful (well, they are) and you can say anything and be unjudged (Yes, I know Gransnetters don't judge, but still ...). I can't recommend it too highly.
Sending thoughts, hugs and understanding. xx
PS I know this rambles on a bit - sorry, but it's something I feel very strongly about. I now volunteer with the Alzheimer's Society, which has given me some insight into it, from a safe distance.

It's One of the hardest things in your life that you have to deal with.
I also nursed my Mother till the end, and it was pitiful and sad.
You find your strength from somewhere, and you will be glad you hung on in there.
I now am so glad I was able to do it, and have no regrets.
There is a lot of support from you here on Gransnet, we are all thinking of you x?