Daughter-in-law diffiulties

HI, CK4260. It must be baffling to witness this sudden change in a close relationship but it's not uncommon - just look around Gransnet! You've described a new mum growling at someone who might threaten her new status. Think tigress and new cub. I know that sounds daft when you have always had her best interests at heart and are excited to be a gran for the first time. But perhaps she has concerns about her way of doing things compared to yours, and is hormonally responding to your offers of help or gentle suggestions or comparisons to being a new mum in your day - all things said or done in the best possible spirit but so easily taken the wrong way when you've got raging hormones and lack sleep. I've done it myself - chatted on without thinking that my gentle advice was being taken the wrong way.

Being a new gran is an exciting time and which of us can resist the opportunity to be with the new baby? Perhaps a little too often? Everyone here will tell you how much of a tightrope it can be... no doubt it's just a simple thing that can be worked out and soon the two of you will be back on your old terms and you'll wonder what you ever worried about.

What does your sil say?

Perhaps you said a couple of things near the beginning which reeally hurt your dil.

This also happened to a friend of mine. Nothing she said or did was right after her granddaughter was born. One evening she went to babysit. Seeing a basket of ironing, she decided to iron it, as a way of helping out. Big mistake, DIL went ballistic, saying she had no right to touch her things! Things are a bit better now that the second child has been born. To the original poster, could you gently ask if you've offended her in some way. I'm sure you haven't, but it would open up a conversation.

Perhaps she feels she can't measure up to your standard and if your offering your opinion all the time she might view you as a interfering Mil. I would ask your son first if he could shed some light on it.

Oh CK, I'm so sorry! It must feel as if a good relationship suddenly went spiraling downhill and you don't know how to stop it! How frustrating and painful!

I know it may be cold comfort to hear that others have gone through the same. But I hope it helps a little.

Perhaps it will also help to look at the difference in cards as a "message," rather than something intended to hurt you? Or just as a reflection of how DIL feels? Clearly, "Granddad" is doing something differently than you are and it's working. Have you any idea what the difference is?

"It seems I cant say or do anything right and she constantly contradicts/queries anything I say, on almost any subject."

Any subject, at all, or just those related to babycare, etc? A lot has changed since we had babies ( back-sleeping instead of tummy-sleeping, no heavy blankets, etc.), so she may really feel she knows better than you on this topic. And hey, hate to admit it, but a lot of what we grannies "know"/"knew" is out-of-date now, unfortunately. That may be why you're running into a problem though she could be kinder about it, I know.

Generally speaking, if much of what you say is in the realm of advice - don't - at least, not unless asked, and even then, not much. Young parents don't often seem to be fond of unsolicited advice - I know I wasn't - and today, they seem more vocal about letting us know that (believe me, I've faced that even as the MGM - maternal grandmother). I know you mean well, if that's what you've been doing, and were just trying to give DIL the benefit of your experience. But she may see it as criticism. I see you've already begun to bite your tongue - kudos! I know it's frustrating, but I strongly suggest you continue to do so. It may take a while, though, before she gets over those first "mistakes" of unwanted advice.

As for things you "do" - Are you talking about things like inishowen mentioned - taking the initiative and trying to help by doing laundry or whatever? Some young moms would love that! But from what I read online, others don't. Better, IMO, to always ask first. ("Would you like me to do some laundry for you, so you can focus on baby?"... "Would you like me to bring some meals over, so you and DS could get more of a break/spend more time with baby?"... etc.) And, of course, as hard as it may be, sometimes, always accept it if she declines. Again, if this has been a problem, it may take a while for her to trust the change.

If she just generally argues with/criticizes you, even if you just make a comment about the weather or walk from here to there and so forth, then maybe, you need some time away from each other. IOWs, maybe you need to cut back on how often you see them.

(((Hugs)))

I remember taking it as a criticism when MY OWN MOTHER adjusted the covers on our first baby's pram!
It wasn't till I heard one of her friends describe how her daughter had intended to take her new baby out for the first time dressed in blue, so Granny had to dress the child in white, that I realised just how uninterfering my mother was.

Maybe she is just hypersensitive, and you'll just have to hold your tongue & smile sweetly, hard though that may be.

Thanks all for your thoughts, and kind words of support. Having done a bit of "research" online I am pretty certain DiL is suffering from post natal depression. I know my son is having a rough time too - Even before the baby arrived she had displayed some critical/aggressive behaviour towards him, and he had mentioned to me that he couldn't do anything right - she also does the criticising bit in public, both to him and me. Add into the mix that DiL is not from the UK (Eastern Eurooean, but speaks and teaches perfect English - and tells us how to speak our own language because apparently we're not grammatically correct all the time!).

Any advice on how we go about getting the post natal depression diagnosed and treated? Mental health issues are a tricky subject in the UK - goodness knows how they are treated in her country of origin.

We're all exhausted by the whole set of problems - they lived with us whilst she was pregnant and when baby was born (super stressful for everyone) but have lived in their own house for nearly a year, just 10mins up the road.

My granddaughter gave me the first cuddle initiated by her the other day - the one where they put their arms round your neck and rest their head on your shoulder, it was wonderful?.

Is she just missing her own family and culture at this emotional time? It can be hard living in a different culture even if you like it!

I had PND. I felt like I was ganged up on all the time, lots of advice was being thrown at me, none which I'd asked for, I was doing everything wrong apparently and I cried all the time.

Mention it to your son, it was better coming from my husband than anyone, anyone else and I took it as criticism that I wasn't good enough.

CK4260, do you make lots of positive comments about how lovely your DGD is and what a great job her mum is doing?
What is it that your DH does that is different from you? Is it simply keeping a step back, and just being a fun granddad to his DGD?

As your relationship was good before, it could be worth letting your DiL know you are upset that things have changed and asking her how you could improve the situation.

Managed to get to talk to my son alone today, together with my partner (Grandad). We had a long open and honest chat about son's and DiL's stresses and strains. We cleared the air, and all feeling better. I was concerned he may take offence when I mentioned PND, but he didn't (phew), and he acknowledged that they had both been feeling depressed and stressed - not surprisingly. Good news - DiL's mother is coming over in June, so hopefully this will cheer her up. Thanks everyone for taking the time to listen and comment - much appreciated.

Suggest to your son he talks to their Health Visitor about his concerns about post natal depression, that is an area they are use to helping with.

I am married into a different culture and it can be very difficult especially with child care. Fortunately we lived most of the time in my country but when I lived in his I had a group of very supportive English speaking friends also foreigners in their husbands country who I could, laugh, cry and moan about his family with. They understood my jokes, culture and the problems. They are still some of my best friends.

That's what your DiL needs. Her mother coming will help but she needs on going support from friends who understand where she is coming from and have experience of living in the country of their partner. 2 British people living abroad do not have the same understanding.

Look on the Internet for any international groups especially of women from your DiL 's country, also look or ask on mumsnet and pass any information on to your son.

P.S.
Speaking English well does not mean she understands our culture.
And yes she is right, we don't exactly speak BBC English. I was with a group of English and Amercans friends recently and one of the Americans said she was amazed at so many different English accents .

I had PND for over a year after the second . It was hell on earth and I also didn`t know why I felt and thought the things I did , I was convinced that a nuclear war was imminent and had planned what I was going to do etc . It was all I thought about from morning till night . If she has PND then she may be thinking all sorts , could your son broach the subject with her ? or speak to the Health visitor . I had no treatment as no one picked up on it , even me . It is only in retrospect that I realised how ill I was . I am glad her Mum is coming over , it must be awful to not have your Mum when you have had a baby .

I agree that DS should speak to the HV about possible PND. Please don't gloss over the stressful time you all had when they were living with you though. Wisely, you have chalked it up, it seems, to circumstances and put it all behind you. But SHE might not have. She may still be hurting from some of what went on. Hopefully, you people covered that when you "cleared the air." But if not, some issues may still need to be addressed.

Hopefully, DS will ask her not to criticize you or him publicly. If she can't wait till you're in private, then maybe you need to avoid being in public places with her. If it's cuz of PND, though, then maybe you can cut her some slack on that.

DS may need to point out to her that most people don't speak the "textbook" version of their language and ask her to ease up on that. I don't know if that will help though (sigh). it may be something you have to put up with for the sake of those delicious cuddles from baby!

I'm glad DIL's mom is coming. That definitely may help. But I agree that everyone needs to be as supportive as possible of both her and DS. (I know it's hard if/when you don't feel you're getting the same in return.)

Glad you were able to talk things over with DS. He sounds like a great guy!