Domestic Violence

Thanks Minty very interesting reading which I have kept for future reference.

"Coercive controlling violence and abuse occurs when one parent controls the other through fear, physical harm, mental and emotional harm or psychological threat. In these cases, there is a clear power imbalance in the relationship"

I agree with whoever said that men are stronger than women and that when they do lash out their are more likely to do significant harm. However, I don't think it is that simple because I suspect the majority of men would not respond to any kind of physical violence other than to defend themselves and, importantly, most women know this and some take advantage of it.

One of the saddest things is that if a woman wants the children in a separation she nearly always gets them just because she is a woman. Some women then go on to alienate the children against their father and his family. Yes, this is child abuse but how do you prove it? Even when Social Services are involved they tend to accept whatever the woman says and treat the man with suspicion. That was the experience of the policeman I mentioned earlier. Such women seem to think that children are a possession to be used against their ex-partner. Is it any wonder the suicide rate amongst men is so high. So sad that children can be deprived of one parent because the other one is possessive and manipulative.

Domestic violence is totally unacceptable, it has to stop being gender specific. An article worth reading. karenwoodall.wordpress.com/2016/04/05/the-role-of-domestic-violence-in-parental-alienation-2/

I think potentially abusive men have an uncanny ability to recognise vulnerability in a women, even one who is ostensibly self confident and assured. This has certainly been my experience among the few women I have known who I knew or thought were in relationships with domineering men.

I do think women on men violence is underestimated. Some women do this by manipulating and winding up the men until the man responds with violence. I say this with caution because I know many truly violent men justify their violence by telling their partners that they 'deserve' the violence dished out, but it shouldn't make us blind or dismissive to the way some women behave.

On the other side I recently read an article by the leader of a victim support agency for abused women claiming that 90% of men in relationships are abusive to a greater or lesser extent. I think claims like that do nothing to support abused women and indeed damage their cause.

Bullying, verbal and physical is so cowardly, hopefully most people would recognise it and get out. The Helen Archer character was so vulnerable to start with and wanted to feel loved, so you can see how she got into Robs grip.I agree with Nonie's statement completely.

Erin P is wrong in her assertion that most women would have left Rob - most women leave on average almost 20 times before they finally make the break from abusive partners. Stockholme syndrome is alive and well (yes the same reasoning would apply to male or female partners of abusive women I'm sure)

I agree with Wendysue in questioning Erin Ps assertion that "most women would have left a "Rob" character by now".

"Normal women don’t hang on in there like Helen Titchener has." ???

Helen is a very vulnerable person and always has been. She experienced the early death of her brother and the suicide of her partner and suffered with bullimia. She had difficulty finding a partner which is why she had Henry by A I D . Rob came along and saw her vulnerabilty and manipulated that.

I do agree with Erin Ps basic statement in Nonnies OP.

That was an extremely powerful statement Nonnie and really spoke to me; I read it out to Mr. S. and it spoke to him too.

Our ES was raised in a loving family where the truth was spoken, perhaps being used to that he wasn't prepared for the abusive and manipulative woman he married. How sad that he's become like her.

I am not minimising any form of abuse, whether committed by men or women. The sad truth is that two women each week are murdered by their partners and are most at risk of violence during the period of separation.

The polarisation of men bad - women good and vice versa doesn't help anyone in an abusive situation. Men and women share similar anxieties and shame at the possibility of being seen as victims, that prevents them asking for help. Men do not have a monopoly in that.

I've worked with men who set up hostels for other men as well as men who set up support and therapy groups for men who were perpetrators of domestic abuse. The notion than men won't be supported in these endeavours is not borne out by reality.

I am not minimising the abuse of men by women by any means. It is not a joking matter. However, there is a difference because men have penises. Women don't. They can rape, women can't.
They are also stronger than women, and if push comes to shove they could actually defend themselves. Women can't.

There are stats for violence by women towards men as I feel I have seen it.
Anyway I am against violence and bullying whoever it involves.
I would include any attempt at controlling as abuse.

Yes smile that is the trouble. A man brought up in a loving family where he is used to hearing the truth has difficulty when he gets involved with an abusive, manipulative woman, just as when it is the other way round but society doesn't give him the same attention and sympathy.

It's as if you know my son Nonnie who now seems to have developed 'stockholme syndrome' and as far as the treatment we receive is now as bad, if not worse than she is.

There is little statistical data to give a true picture of the extent of abuse of men at the hands of women because that information can only be gathered from reported incidences and understandably, men are reluctant to admit to being emotionally or physically abused by 'the weaker sex'.

Abuse of any kind is wrong and it should not be tolerated at any level, by the victim, the families of the victim or the perpetrator or by society in general.

Jane unfortunately there are not the same statistics for men because it is not in the public eye in the same way. Men so often won't ask for help or even admit they are being bullied or controlled. Just imagine the sort of man who would never hit anyone, let alone a woman, he can be controlled in so many ways, not allowed to see his family, only do things the way she wants etc.

What reaction do you think a man trying to set up a male refuge would get?

Would you say that reading a man's emails and facebook without his permission is controlling and then telling him who he can contact and who he can't is bullying? How about a woman who posts on her husband's facebook pretending to be him?

I have recently seen 2 videos of public reaction to a man hitting a woman and a woman hitting a man. They care about the first but not the second. See:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtVHnZX8E50&oref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DdtVHnZX8E50&has_verified=1

Why is it OK for a woman to abuse a man but not the other way round?

I recently discussed this with a policeman who had been called to an incident and he said he wouldn't report it if it happened to him. He also said it had happened to his brother who eventually committed suicide. Perhaps this is one of the reasons so many men kill themselves.

What Badenkate said

I don't think abuse is just physical. As Anniebach says, bullying is just as abusive, and women are very capable of this. Destroying someone mentally is a terrible thing to do. I feel sad that we still have to compartmentalise things into 'male' and 'female'.

I think bullying is domestic abuse

The link works for me, too.

It seems that Erin Pizzay has had a lot of experience in dealing with domestic violence and has even been a victim of emotional abuse at the hands of her own mother. But I was surprised to hear her say that most women leave abusive husbands. I've often read the opposite - that they generally don't go cuz they're ashamed, don't know where to go or are afraid he'll come after them. Perhaps I'm wrong? I'm confused.

Anyhow, like jane, I'm sure most of us are aware that there are wives who are violent against their husbands, too (and GFs against their BFs and so forth). But I don't know if it's on the same scale. And from what I've read, it's often in self defense. Still, I don't say the problem should be ignored. There shouldn't be any violence in families, IMO, and the issue, as a whole, needs to be addressed.

No I have no knowledge at all of domestic violence. My DH of over 40 years, is the kindest sweetest person you could wish to meet. He wouldn't lay a finger on me.
I just don't think the stasts back up though.
I am not brushing violence against men under the carpet either. Violence is violence. I do know a few of my women friends who bully their DCs and a few of my friends have husbands who bully them. Is bullying domestic abuse ?

My DILs coerce my sons into doing their bidding by crying if they don't get their own way......would you say that this is a form of abuse by women against men?

I have also been doing it for years, I am ashamed to say. I didn't realise it was a form of bullying until I went on Mumsnet. So is shouting.
I am a OAP and there is still so much to learn. I feel I am about as mature as a foetus.

The link works for me. I haven't read it though. Your response makes me wonder if you have first hand knowledge jane sorry if I've got that wrong.

Where are the statistics ? I mean for violence against men by women? How many men get killed by their partners, per week?
You are making quite sweeping statements about the pendulum. I would like to see some facts before I comment on what you have said.
I can't listen to the Archers as I can't stand soaps. Your link will not load up.

I think most of us are aware of violence against men, but is it on the same scale? Where are the refuges for men and their children? How many men are raped by women? Give us the stats.
Erin Pizzay is Ok to point it out, but Domestic Violence is generally a crime against women, GENERALLY.!