Sometimes it hurts........

I'm sorry it is so painful for you. Hopefully things may improve especially as your granddaughter is now an adult.

Thinking of you grannyactivist, it can't be easy finding things out and not being able to do anything about it. Maybe you could write her letters, get cards etc and leave them in a special box for her for when she can see them. She will then at least know that you have thought about her. Turning 18 is so important, my mother did nothing for my son when he turned 18, no one did apart from my dad. Everyone was there for my daughter when she turned 18 at a big party. My heart goes out to my son. Buy her something, look for it, take joy in looking and buying, wrap it up and one day she will receive it, just wait and see. She won't be 18 for ever. She will make decisions herself as she grows up. You take care. Best wishes love. x

ga What a sad situation and I cannot help thinking how awfully wrong that someone as loving, caring, generous hearted and thoughtful, as I have learned you are through many posts and discussions on Gransnet, should be in this painful place.

Maybe as your granddaughter becomes more mature she will choose to get in touch with you, discover her roots and family and face up to the estrangement that was not of her making. Maybe not. For her, of course, there are many years ahead and she could postpone renewed contact with you because she doesn't feel able or strong enough to deal with it. Fingers crossed for curiosity!

I think that rubylady's suggestion was good. Keep a little journal and 'talk to her'. You may be able to give it to her one day.

Slightly off topic, but it may be of interest. When each of my grandchildren was born, I started a folder and put a photo of them when they were newborn. I keep adding little stories of what happened when they stay with us etc. It is all a bit random but I hope they enjoy reading it when they are older.

I agree with absent's post, ga. I hope the whole situation sorts itself out including the relationship with your daughter.

Liz, what a great idea.

ga
I like rubylady's idea

grannya
How sad that they have missed out on all the love you would have shared with them.

It is indeed sad - so glad that you have fun with the other GC- at least you have that to hang on to. I am not surprised that you are shedding a tear.

Thank you for your kind comments; usually I'm able to catch myself before I get too upset, but last night I felt very sad and just had to give in to the feeling - it was late and The Wonderful Man was asleep, so I'm glad I was able to 'talk' to you lot.

I do send gifts and cards to my daughter and her family and sometimes get a Christmas card back, or a thank you card. I learned last year what led to my daughter distancing herself from my family and whilst I think she was foolish to cut herself off I do see that she felt it was what she needed to do at the time - and although my heart breaks for the situation she found herself in I was selfishly very glad to discover that her estrangement was about her circumstances and not her relationship with me. I think her father, without knowing the true situation, has stirred the pot and that hasn't helped her to put events behind her and move on.

My secret source allows me a small window into my granddaughter's life and I have photographs and information about aspects of her life that help me to build a picture of the lovely young woman she has become. I am hopeful, but not optimistic, that one day she will get in touch.

Grannya, couldn't you write to her? Tell her you love her and miss her? I know you will have done that in the past, but perhaps just one more time?

ga, it's hard to imagine what you're feeling but I know it is rotten for you

It's so sad, GA that you can't share your GD's excitement at gaining her gold award. It's a great achievement and she should be able to know how proud of her you are. Mine has just started on work for her bronze award and I have no doubt that eventually she will 'go for gold'. I'm glad you have your 'secret source' but sorry that the cloak and dagger tactics will have to remain in place so that their secret won't be revealed. ((((hugs))))to you GA

jingl I have learned from past experiences that if I write a letter then I get 'cut off' completely with no cards or thank you letters for a year afterwards. I can only write care of a third party and all my letters and gifts are delivered to my daughter to distribute. My 'secret source' will come to an end when my granddaughter goes to Uni so I may try to contact her directly at that point, but I'm really afraid of ending up with even less contact than I have at the moment. It's been more than nine years since I've seen my daughter or her family and I've never met her youngest child. She's raised three beautiful children with no family support and it must have been very hard for her at times, but seeing how my granddaughter is turning out makes me very proud of how she's coped.

I will never never understand how ones own child can be so cruel. Today has been bad for me as I don't feel well anyway, most of the time I keep busy and cope. I really feel for you and wish I could do something to help your pain. There is nothing like rejection for lowering you, but so much worse when it's your own child. I think your gd get will get in touch with you one day, meanwhile. Would send cards even if they go in the bin, who knows on her birthday your gd might pick up the post herself.

If your third party is still happy to deliver the cards and gifts to your daughter then continue to send them. Never give up. I haven't been on gransnet long so I don't really know your story but, I do have a strained relationship with my youngest daughter. I often feel that she needs me rather than wants me and I dread what will happen when she no longer needs me. Never give up granny activist xx

ga I'm so sorry. What a horrid situation for you and the family. I do hope your granddaughter makes contact sometime in the future.

I can't add any more except that you must be feeling very proud of your DGD and I hope that one day you can tell her so yourself ga

Congrats on your GD's achievement, GA! Sorry that you can't acknowledge it immediately, but at least, it's good that you know. So much better, IMO, than being kept in the dark.

I love rubylady's idea. Like absent, I hope, one day soon, GD will choose to get in touch with you. It could be sooner than you think, especially when she's away at college. However, while she's still dependent on her parents financially, she may feel she has to keep her distance. She may not feel free to resume a relationship with you till she's financially independent.

My heart totally goes out to you. It's good that you found out that the estrangement has nothing to do with you personally. But I know it's still painful. (((Hugs)))

I know I've said this to others here before, but do you keep an open Facebook page, GA? If so, eventually, GD may find/contact you there. If not, it might be a good idea to open a FB account, just for that reason.

Contact with my two off springs has ceased I have made no contact with them and likewise they have not contacted either(since Easter). I feel that they see me as the bad guy and my ex their father as the good one.I feel they do not understand why I cannot accept the Ex's new partner this is due to him starting the relationship after splitting 2 weeks and with a neighbour. Deep down they want the family unit to be as it was despite denying this. I am criticised for meeting someone even though I was on my own for 15 months. Even though it hurts am I better to leave the estrangement ?The contact with my ex has also ceased at the same time so all of his wishes to be amicable have disappeared.
I am in a dilemma.

Musty, I'm so sorry about your situation. And I understand how you feel about your Ex' new partner, even if your "off springs" do not. It must have been very painful to see him jump into a new relationship after yours ended. (((Hugs))). Do you suspect that he was with her a little before the breakup? Do you see her as partly the "cause" of your breakup? I can see where that would make it even harder to accept this new relationship.

But let me get this straight... your "off springs" want you to accept her but criticize you for starting a new relationship of your own?

Then again, you don't know that they want you to accept their father's relationship - it's just what you "feel.' You also "feel" they're siding with their father, overall. But have they said/done anything to this effect? Isn't it possible they're distancing him, too?

IMO, you all need a little break from each other to sort out your thoughts and feelings. So it's just as well you haven't contacted each other, as you suggest yourself.

Also, how does anyone know that you don't accept Ex' new partner? Have you said as much? If he's aware of it, that may be why contact with him has ended. It's probably hard for him to be "amicable" with someone who "cannot accept" his new love, even though I get why you can't.

You don't say if your off spring are adults or not. If not, are they living with your Ex? That may explain the lack of contact or their tendency to favor him in this situation (if they do). If they are adults, that's a different story, though maybe not so different if they are living with him.

But what is your dilemma? Whether or not to reach out to any of them? Again, you say yourself that you are "better off" leaving things as they are. Still if a part of you feels a need to reach out to your kids, I can see sending them a note, card or FaceBook message, here and there, especially on birthdays and such. Just to express your love for them, that's all. No explanations of your feelings about their father's new partner - that's not their concern and you don't need their approval of how you feel. And no defending your new relationship - again, not up to them. No asking them to reply either - leave that up to them.Just "I love you very much" and "Happy Bday!" or whatever is appropriate. If they're truly "kids" (underage) or very young adults, that might be especially important. But even older adults might appreciate it. Up to you, of course.

As for your Ex, I don't see the point, right now. As long as you're not able to accept his new love (and again, I understand that), then I don't see how you can keep up friendly relations with him. If your kids are underage and living with him, you may have to have some cordial discussions with him, now and then. But otherwise, there's no need for contact with him, that I can see.

Lots of (((hugs)))