I don't want a divorce

You need to do what works for you. Take legal advice but if possible try to remain amicable as it costs less! Get written confirmation of what he has promised. If he takes half the house you may have to move so maybe you should leave his pension if he agrees to pay maintenance.Good luck x

Ah Kacee, I'm so very sorry to hear that you're struggling, too. It seems that so many of us are trying to cope with traumas. I hope that you have family and good friends to help you and look after you.

The advice you need now is of a legal nature, solicitor and Citizens Advice Bureau, just to inform you what to do now. You should be able to have what you're entitled to, to ensure your own future, that's just the way it is when we reach the end of a long relationahip. A friend of mine & my ex-p is a solicitor and he advised us to be as amicable as possible, otherwise you end up spending a fortune on legal fees. That's not to say, of course, that it's always possible to be that way. I hope you start to feel better in time and maanage to sort things with your OH as painlessly as possible. Take care of yourself.

I realise how final it must seem but it seems he's moved on, you've been separated for two years its really the next step isn't it? Unless you are have hope that he will come back in the future? Would you take him back ? Do you have children you can talk to?
I agree with the others try at all costs to settle things financially between you as the costs can be horrendous.

Kitspurr I read your post just before I posted mine. You have a few good days and thinks that's it I've got there & then you wake up or something suddenly happens and you are back to square one.

I have only known him we have been together since I was 13 and I still struggle to know how he could do this to me, but the fact of the matter is he doesn't want to be with me he wants to be with her.

I don't think I have any other choice but divorce him as I need to look after my future, I am not in the best of health and a regular pension coming in would be a comfort and one less worry.

Like you I keep praying that things will get better xx

tanith I would love to think he would come back but the reality is that it is very unlikely. He came back to try again and it lasted 3 weeks, he left and went back to her.
He really doesn't want me to get any of his pension & giving me half the house sounds very generous but if he stopped maintaining me I would have to sell it anyway.
I think because of the length of time we were married a judge would probably split everything 50/50.
I would love to hear from anyone with any experience of this

Kacee I was divorced after 22yrs but because 2 of my children remained in the family home (I left) they were teens and didn't want to move jobs/schools the value of the house was split taking that into account my husband retaining one third and then another third for the children I got one third . It will make a difference for if you still have children living at home. Your really do need legal advice.

You definitely need legal advice. Please do not stint on that as it could all come back to bite you!

Maybe you need to have thought through some things before you see a solicitor - the main one I think would be whether you were happy to move house.

Kacee, I think you are right in expecting a 50/50 split. Would it be possible to sell the house and find something smaller for your half of the proceeds, and also split the pension? Whatever you decide, I would urge you to get everything on a legal footing as soon as possible.
My ex, whom I thought was an honourable man, changed his tune once he met his future next wife, wanting to back out of our 'gentleman's agreement'. We had worked out to the last penny how to provide us both with the same income and same savings. What should have been a cheap and easy settlement then turned into an expensive legal battle.
I hope you manage to come to a mutually acceptable decision, and don't forget to take into account what would happen to your share of his pension if he were to die.

Thank you all for your advice.

My head is telling me to go for divorce as I will need the income from the pension. I do not get me state pension for another 5/6 years.

If is was possible to do all of this without getting divorced I would feel better but unfortunately it can't.

The there is always the other woman, how long before she wants a ring and asking why he is maintaining me.

It's a depressing world out there sometimes xx

Kaycee
It's highly that, given your circumstances, (I.e your husband is maintaining you) and length of marriage, you will probably get a 50% share of everything, including his pension.
It is always better to agree on finances but as others have said, he could possibly go back on it, so divorce him and then go for a proper, legal financial
settlement. The divorce will be separate and can be obtained cheaply as a DIY
effort but to safeguard yourself, you will need to involve a solicitor for the financial stuff

Always go down the legal route, you can't trust amicable arrangements, and you will need some of his pension to live in future.Do it sooner rather than later.It is sad, but now you need to protect yourself.

Kacee, I truly feel for you. But I have to admit, I do not understand the not wanting to divorce and be free to have a new life ahead of you. In the circumstances, what can you possibly achieve by not divorcing than dragging these sad times with you forever???

Wishing you stength and a brighter future.

Hi Kacee, after a long marriage I also felt like you. I think it's the shock, I just assumed we would always be together and it was like a bolt out of the blue when he left. We were separated for nearly 3 years before our divorce and I felt so traumatised by the whole thing. The funny thing is, as soon as the decree absolute came through, I actually felt like I had turned a corner. I will still always feel "bereaved" (am I allowed to say that when he's 10 minutes down the road but it's how I feel) but it did bring closure and with the benefit of hindsight that is exactly what I needed.

I don't have any children left at home so I expect it will be. 50/50 split which I think is fair.

I can't believe that after 2 years this is all so painful

As you say Kacee, you have good days and then bad days, but you don't go back to square one, as you have moved on more than you realise. My mum keeps telling me that I'm the most important person, (of course she does), and that I have to focus on me until I get everything sorted, to ensure a secure future.

Being left by the man we've been with for so many years is just so awful, and so difficult to deal with. I am still in shock over being left, but I remind myself everyday that I don't want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me. What's the point of that? I am still in the process of sorting out my life and haven't got a clue what the future holds, nobody has that ability, however, I have to try to be positive, and hopeful, that good things will come and that the rest of my life will be good. Yours will be too.

Kacee so sorry for you. But a word of warning a friend went through this some years ago, her ex kept coming round and trying to be 'friends' and reminding her of how much they had meant to each other. She wasn't able to go for a divorce because she thought he might come back to her. When after several years she went for a divorce he had hidden all his assets, she was forced to sell their large house and move somewhere smaller and got little or no money. I hate to say it but harden your heart, seek legal advice and go for a divorce. Your first thoughts now should be for yourself and how badly you have been treated. He has forfeited any rights to your care and concern.

I can only reiterate all the sound advice you've already been given Kacee, you need to get sound legal advice before you agree to anything. You have to do what he has done, put your needs, your welfare and yourself first.

I'm so sorry, but a man who can leave his wife of 37 years for a 'younger model' is not to be trusted.

Take care.

Kacee, my heart goes out to you! I get that it's hard for you to fully let go of this marriage, even though it has been 2 years since he left and a trial reconciliation didn't work. If you can step back a bit, though, and look at things more objectively, I think you'll see you already are "divorced," hon, and have been for a long time - just not in the legal sense. As granjura suggests, I believe it will be better for you to be fully - legally - divorced and free to begin a new life.

TG, you seem to know what you need to do financially. I agree that you can't count on what your X promises today - things change. Nor do I see why you should remain dependent on this man to "maintain" you, financially, for the rest of your life - especially when, sadly, he left you for someone else.

IMO, others have given you very good advice on that - the best of which, I think, is to seek professional legal advice. Your X, I'm sorry to say, is trying to control the situation. While I know he doesn't want to hurt you (anymore than he already has, that is) and probably means well regarding the finances, it seems to me he is, mostly, trying to do what works best for him. You need the chance to set things up so that they work well for you, too.

I agree that you should try to keep things as amicable - and I would add, as simple - as possible, for the reasons that others have given. However, I think you need to take a stand for yourself, however amicably.

THank you all for your kind thoughts and sound advice. I know I must go down the legal route and I guess sooner than later.

Can I just say that this Gransnet forum has been a saving grace for me and I am not being dramatic. There have been days when I just read over old posts because just knowing that others have been through similar situations really does help.

Thank you all xx

Get legal advice, get your fair share of assets, house and pensions and then if he still wants to be friends, you can be so without any worries about financial deceit. As other, more wise people then me have said on here, anyone who can walk out on 37 years of a relationship cannot be trusted, there is no greater break of trust than that which your ex DH has already done. Get your financial future sorted by taking legal advice and getting things sorted fairly before the new squeeze gets her claws into his money.

Jaycee, you will be fine. Just get the legal advice, in confidence, find out what you are entitled to and move on. He has gone, you can have a good future on your own, you have managed this far. That man you married, has changed and it would never be as it was. The trust has gone, you deserve better.