pressures of society on daughter

My DD is 32, lives in London in a shared house with a group of friends she's known for years, has an interesting job that she loves and enough money for holidays and a good social life. She says she has no desire to settle down and have kids, 'your son has made you a granny, so I don't have to!' And quite honestly I think her life is a good one with lovely friends who all look out for one another.
The only reason for settling down and tying the knot in my opinion is that buying a house or flat in London is impossible unless there are two of you, preferably with two families with a bit of cash as well, to stump up for a deposit and mortgage.
But in the end all we want for our kids is happiness isn't it?

I don't think that singletons are under particular pressure from society but perhaps from their loving mothers. Of course we want them to be happy and if it's the right one, so much the better, but it must be easier than ever in previous generations to be a singleton - male or female.

Just read your post squirrel15 so it's true everyone has an identical twin somewhere

I seem to live in a single world.My best friends from school and university are single, so are several other friends. One of my sisters never married and the other didn't marry, or cohabit intil well into her 40s. Of the aunts I was closest to, one never married and the other again didn't marry iuntil her mid 40s. Some would have liked to marry, others had little interest in it. Most are now retired. They have had successful careers and, despite not marrying are part of close families and have nephews, nieces and godchildren they are close to.

When DD made it clear that she intended to remain single and unattached, I didn't bat an eyelid. I am the odd one out, I actually did marry and have children!

We are so fortunately nowdays in that a wide variety of domestic arrangements and relationships are OK. When I was growing up in the 50s it was simply taken for granted you would marry and have children. My 'careers advice' at school was to become a teacher so I could get home in time to cook my husbands dinner and would be at there in the holidays for my children. No mention of having teaching ability or inclination! Both my daughter and son are unmarried and in their 30s with busy and fulfilling careers and they are very happy. So brilliant that they can do what suits them rather than following any convention.

I think you should support your daughter in whatever way she chooses to live her life and make no mention whatsoever of settling down, or what might happen in the future, unless asked of course, when I think its OK to express a personal opinion but to also be prepared to have it shot down in flames (my 'kids' are very good at this, but we still remain the best of friends!)

H's cousin is a 73 year old bachelor who shared a house with his mum until she died 5 yrs ago.
He adores children and they adore him. He spends a fortune on Christmas presents for all of them (was nieces n nephews now great nephews including my GSs)
He has a long term partner (10 yrs) but they hang on to their independence and live separately. He's settled down in his own way

As a mum it's what we hope for someone to love them and care for them especially as we get older to see them content and happy is perfectly normal I was married in my early twenties it didn't last and I know now I did just go along with it because it was expected

Should read unattached

Same as tinaf1andNonnaW,I have a son, 41.who is reasonably happy, but friends are all gradually"settling down",and I know he would dearly love a family ,but not met right person yet.He says that he ends up being the steady rock type of person that all his mates gravitate to when their relationships flounder and they need some unnatached male to hang about with...mind you he's an excellent uncle to 2gorgeous nieces who idolise him.

I have 3 sons aged between 35-40, none of whom are, to my knowledge, in a relationship. I just want them to be happy, and they do seem to be reasonably so. No DILs for me!

I grew up with a mum who wanted me married as soon as possible! She talked about girls being "on the shelf" in their twenties. I'm sure all this pressure influenced me to get married early (aged 20). Fortunately we are still married 43 years later. My mum was born in 1918 and I think she had very old fashioned ideas. I wish I'd had a career, and married much later, to the same man.

I think there is similar pressure on all of us who are single, no matter what age we are. My husband went off to pastures new when I was 52, after a long marriage. Quite a shock at the time, but now 8 years later I'm still single and I feel more "settled" than I have ever been. People constantly ask if I have met anyone as if I'm not really able to exist just as myself. Senior dating sites are everywhere ! The world does revolve around couples, and it is hard to be on my own sometimes, but it's worth it. I'm not sure I would want to go back to all that hassle.

Don't think it's to do with gender,Most of us want to see our kids settled.But yes,as long as they are happy.

My daughter is 43 and single. She has an interesting job, a good social life and dotes on her nephews and nieces. At one time she would have liked to find a partner and have children. Now she is perfectly happy with her life. She does what she wants, when she wants. She can enjoy the company of the little ones and then hand them back. She doesn't have to ask anyone permission before she makes a large purchase or decides to go on holiday. My mother would like to see her 'settle down' but this is an old fashioned view. We need to accept that there is more than one way to live in this world. People used to get married because it was expected of them and then have to find a way to make it bearable. If women are happy and fulfilled in their single lives why should anyone pressurise them to change?

There's nothing 'settling' about getting married and having kids. Having my first baby was the most unsettling thing I ever did. Loved it, but boy did it unsettle me!

I don't see the "pressures" on young women as any greater now than they were when I was a young woman: a career to establish – and in those days it was in a more male-dominated society – affording somewhere reasonably comfortable and convenient to live and, possibly, considering/hoping for marriage/long-term partner and children, among other things. I think it is hugely important to feel at ease with yourself and your lifestyle, even if your friends and family have opted for a different way of life. Happiness comes in many different and often unexpected forms.

People can only "settle down" with someone if they find the right someone to settle down with. Surely you wouldn't want your daughter to enter into a relationship and maybe have a child just for the sake of conformity.

I expect many people want to meet someone special with whom they can enjoy a long and happy partnership. However, it doesn't happen to order and anyway these days so many relationships fail that it is probably better for a woman or a man to be able to sustain themselves financially, be independent and happy without feeling it is essential to become part of a couple.

Not only daughters I have a son who I can relate all these posts to

Oh nelly I feel for you! I've a single daughter of 34 who I would dearly love to see " settled down" but mainly because I think that's what she wants for herself! She has her own flat, a fulfilling career and a great bunch of friends, but one by one her friends are establishing themselves with partners and having babies so I wonder if they will have space for her in their lives as time goes on. Her siblings are all married with children too and she's a fabulous auntie. She's "sort of seeing someone" just now so who knows....I just want her to be happy.

Monica you could have been talking about my daughter there!

I'm not sure it's always an easy road to follow, being single and coping with a career full time, and I do find myself worrying about her sometimes. But we can't do anything about it. Some things we just have to leave to them. A close, loving family will always help.

And btw,I always the the wrong things to her

My daughter is 23 and has more than I ever had at her age. Good job with prospects,great friends and family a brandnew car. She also enjoys travel and went to New York last december. She has never had a serious boyfriend but is quite happy spending money on herself. She is clearly enjoying life which I'm very happy about. I had her when i was her age and was married to an abusive man. All I want for her is to be happy.

Please don't beat yourself up about this, Nelly. We all say "the wrong thing," now and then.

Why would you "mention the subject to her" though? Will it help her find someone? Or help her be happy as she is? IMO, better NOT to bring it up. And if she does, complaining about the pressures, etc., just be sympathetic ("I'm so sorry to hear that," or the like) and don't express any wishes for her (no matter how well-intended). Or, if you feel comfortable, ask her how she feels about all this and encourage her in whatever life she wants for herself.

But you seem to be worried about her happiness. Perhaps she's happy as she is now, except when feeling pressured. Still IDK why announcements on FB bother her, so maybe she's not so happy, after all. But that's something she has to figure out for herself (sigh ) - you can't do it for her.

In time, I'm sure things will resolve themselves. Meanwhile, better to express your concerns here than to her (so I'm glad you just did!).

DD decided when she was quite young that marriage and children were not for her. She is now in her mid 40s, has a good job and a nice home and is very happy.

Yes, I sometimes wonder about how she will cope when she is old, but she and her DB and DDiL are very close and her little niece and nephew thinks she is best thing since sliced bread. Everybody, parents, grandparents, have to take the back seat if auntie is present, so I am sure when they grow up her niece and nephew will love her and look out for her as I did for a very dear aunt.

So, nelly, do not say anything to your DD. If anything encourage her to be happy as she is, changing her situation may not be an advantage. As my mother used to say, better happily single than unhappily married.

yes, completely agree it's dated - it just sort of came out that way i suppose. What I mean by something being around the corner is happiness in whatever form that takes.

the trouble is, I'm not even sure what she wants for herself, whether that's to have a relationship or not - i know she's not keen on having children. i can tell by her outburst that she's feeling the pressure, with all her friends getting married and starting to have children etc. she says she sees this so often on facebook that it makes her resentful and nervous at the same time! thinking about it, i'm sure there must be lots of other women her age who feel this too