Friendships

Personally, I'm always a little wary of people who claim they want to be 'best friends'. For me this was a phase I went through at school.

I had half a sleepless night over this last night. You start thinking something is wrong with you. The thing that annoys me is that people stop contact but keep sending Christmas cards (just one person, im not that hard to like!). Perhaps that explains it, you are one of a long list of,to them, friendships which are all about them not you,if that makes sense?

It has happened to me, but as it was a friend living aeveral thousand miles, and who had been a frequent guest in my house when she visited, I don't feel too bad. She had been very rude indeed about England and the British, and contradicted everything one said. DH got very fed up with her so wasn't too sad at the end of the friendship - since she now tries to stay in touch, I am cool, friendly but keep my distance...
I have noticed that people who owe you something are the first to drop you, from guilt i assume. My parents were very friendly with a young couple and their children, who viewed them in loco parentis. the husband died of a horrible car-crash when barely in his 30s, the wife was very dependent on my parents until she sorted herself out - after that? Nada, she cut them out completely which saddened and hurt them deeply.
It is sad for you to lose a friend, but don't let it hurt you too much - if you do brood on it, it means that she has _won_. Don't let her...

I have never been in this position thankfully and have lots of friends, some going back more than 50 years some more recent .I married relatively late and consequently put a lot of effort into maintaining friendships in my twenties and thirties.
I do have one friend though with whom you have to make all the running .She is always delighted to see you and very hospitable but you have to be the one to get in touch,call in etc.We have been friends for more than 45 years and I value her greatly so I just try and accept its how she is .To be fair ,she did 'step up'for me recently so I know I can still rely on her in a crisis .
It must be very hard to be in this position as you must always wonder if you did something to offend

My very wise father used to say that we are lucky if we have one true friend in a lifetime. I've been incredibly lucky - apart from marrying my true soulmate, I have two fantastic close friends, a Brazilian penpal who has always called me her "big sister" and we keep in touch most days after some 50 years, and a French friend who has been one of my two best friends since we were in our early teens and similarly keep in touch as often as possible; we often disagree about our interests, attitudes and way of life, but it doesn't matter - no matter how "wrong" we think the other is about a given subject, we are happy to explain why we think that and never ever take umbrage. And if ever one of us goes through a bad patch, the others will always be there for us.

I lost someone who was like a brother to me (godfather to DD1, best friend's brother etc), best friend and was so hurt. It was because he was Catholic and didn't approve of me deciding to leave my violent, unfaithful and compulsive gambler ex-husband. Friends in the RC hierarchy offered to support me in seeking an annulment, but this was not good enough for this close friend and I have never since spoken to him or his sister for over 30 years, which hurts every day of my life, since I never expected him to be so narrow-minded and shallow. So I rebuilt my life with other friends and family around me, but still miss them dreadfully.

My friend dropped me when she got cancer. I was devastated, we'd known each other since our twenties. I guess there was a limit to what she could cope with. She just sent me a note saying "Don't get cancer! Have a good life" and never spoke to me again. I guess she knew her own limits of what she could cope with, but I never really got over it. It is such a total rejection and also makes you question everything that went before.

I sympathise, Hildagard. This has happened twice to me. The first time I was dreadfully upset as this friend was someone I had been close to for over 30 years. However it transpired that she was mentally ill and was somehow blaming those close to her. We have not been in touch since.
The second time was with a person I met soon after moving to this new town. At first she called me her 'best friend' and wanted us to do everything together, then suddenly she was 'too busy' to see me! I've no idea why she changed and I agonised at first over what I had done to upset her, but now I've accepted that I'll never know why she dropped me. It's hard to let go, but try to forget her now and look forward to making new friends who deserve you!

You sound like a caring and sensitive person (she is not) and it seems harsh when you have known each other such a long time and been so close, but it's not your worry. Friendships are not always lifelong. You probably have done nothing wrong.

It's hard to tell why you were dropped, and it's her loss. I wouldn't give it any more thought.

You've both moved away and maybe it was a good time for her to break the friendship. You valued your friendship more than she did. Maybe you were a convenient friend while she was living near you.

Sometimes we change as we get older, and there can be differences with appearance, tastes, interests, topics of conversation, children growing up etc so your friend has the right to move on. Maybe she can't give you an explanation without hurting your feelings. I don't know you, so none of these things might be relevant. She might just be having a major upheaval in her life.

Try and join a new group and you're bound to meet new friends who value your qualities.

This happened to me recently, it is a puzzle why people do it, I guess some friendships just become a poor fit.

As Granny2016 says we rarely know what goes on in other people's lives and sometimes, honestly I think we are better off just letting go of things, we have been lectured on the need to work at relationships and if we have children to consider then we must, but for 'friendships' letting go can be the path of least pain.

I try to be grateful now for the removal of any small drams from my life.

This happened to me with my sister,who I have always loved.It troubled me for a time,but I decided that I was not prepared to let it spoil my life ,though I miss her and that part of the family.She is an articulate,professional person,but not a word in three years other than being told there were ....."issues".
Be happy with yourself,and try not to allow this friends behaviour to upset you.
We rarely know what is going off in other peoples lives.

Didn't read post before posting should be good days!!

My DS parted with a friend after 40 years. They were school friends and both unmarried, until DS married in her early 50s. Before that both had had boyfriends, partners and other attachments, but it was the marriage that seemed to change the relationship.

Although they saw each other as much as before her friend became bitter and nasty and time spent with her became very unpleasant. DS hoped the difficulties would resolve themselves but after 5 years she decided that enough was enough and wrote to her friend to say she was ending the friendship and why. She got no reply.

Thank you all for your replies, first time I have ever started a thread. On god days I realise that the past is the past, but I do find that I am now very wary of new friendships. Hey ho, never mind, lovely rainy day here.Thanks again.

Friends may come and friends may go but true friendship goes on for ever.

Several people I know have had this happen to them, not always for known reasons. There is no point brooding on that relationship, but move on if you can instead. There are times I wish one or two of my acquaintances would drop me, lol.

This has happened to me also, it is just awful. One day all is going well and then nothing. The worst example was many years ago when my son and her sons had a good friendship and we developed ours. We had a great time all of us. We would go out together, picnics, to the shops, friends houses, our house it was great. I was devastated when it all ended. I didn't know what I had done wrong and I still don't all these years later. Maybe I leaned too hard on her as I was going through a difficult time. But, that is life, we all go through difficult times in our lives and come out the other end. I believe that is what a true friendship is all about, being there in times of joy and the not so joyous. I did hear years later that she did the same thing to an acquaintance of mine.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you it is downright baffling.

Life is like this, harsh but true. When my sister married, her mother in law was a pleasant and fully functioning, affectionate person and my sister transferred her affection from our own, needy, difficult mother to this MIL. Likewise, her husband's sister has proved a more acceptable sibling than I am. I guess I know all about the deprived and traumatic childhood and am associated with it and the new sister is all about new life, new chances, new happiness and no baggage to spoil it all. Frankly, a better offer came along for my sister and I have to 'suck it up' as they say.

It has caused me no end of pain, especially as to justify the 'freezing out' she has invented excuses to blame me for the breach. I miss her and her family but there's nothing I can do about it.

However, I have thought it through and, while it is hard, there is little I can do to change things. It's not easy for a reserved person like myself to make new friends at my age but it has made me value the ones I have and to be philosophical about the situation. What cannot be helped must be endured - but I don't have to give into depression or despair when there is so much else in life to enjoy.

Nevertheless, I really feel for you in your present situation, Hildagard. Many commiserations.

My old dad used to say "there's nowt so queer as folks" and I think he was right.

Annsixty I think you're right about the past being a dangerous place to visit. I was realistic about meeting the long ago friend. I knew she would have aged, had different life experiences than me etc., but maybe she hadn't been so realistic.

I think all the posts on here show that no-one has acted wrongly and are very nice people, but some folk are quite ruthless about friendships.

I did actually unfriend someone of Fb because they never responded to any of my posts and it seemed pointless to have them on my friends' list. I did see her briefly some time ago and she was quite cutting about my contributions so that was that.

Life!!!

I have posted on a previous thread about a friend who suddenly dropped me without explanation several years ago. She recently got back in touch and it transpired she was selling her flat to pay off her debts and was looking for a place to stay. I didn't offer to let her move in with me and she hasn't contacted me since. I have subsequently found out she has done this several times. She becomes close friends with someone (including holidays and staying for weekends) but she then meets someone else and drops the first friend to spend all her time with the new friend! Initially I was upset about it because I had helped her out on several occasions but decided my life was better off without her (no more dramas).

The past is a foreign country. Visit it at your peril.

Some time ago I posted about an old friend I was meeting after over 60 years. We had been best friends at Primary School.

The meeting went well, she bought me a box of chocs, it was just before Christmas, photos of us as children and everything seemed wonderful. I hadn't thought to bring a present so later I paid for a pair of trousers in a shop. (It was a Charity Shop) so not massively expensive and she seemed pleased.

I'm a widow and she never married but cared for her mother until recently when she passed away.

We parted with talk of me going to her house for lunch.

I haven't heard from her since. I rang her a few times but there was no reply.

She's not on Fb herself but I have seen photos of her with a friend so she is alive and well.

Was I a terrible disappointment???

This has happened several times to us too, but I think it's about them and not you.
When you ask what the problem is and no reply, it's time to let it go.
It is baffling though, especially when you have been good to people.
however, life is too short to waste it worrying about what you have done to merit it,
We have other lovely long term friends, and a lot of lovely short term friends, and if ever any of them want to end it, then so be it.

Good for you Miriam but at the time it is very hard to cope with.
I do however believe in karma but sometimes that makes me feel I am waiting for revenge and that is very wrong.

Hildagard,
Please do not let this upset you. I ended a 35 year friendship due to my friend really changing. Thing is it can be a gradual process which you do not notice at the beginning, it can take some time for the penny to drop so to speak.
For me personally, it broke my heart and was almost akin to a bereavement. Like Annsixty, my friend married into a very affluent family,over time, the money completely changed her and she was also mixing with a better class of people. I got fed up with the non-communication, my husband will never forgive the lady concerned for what she put me through and I like yourself was elbowed aside.
I bear my ex-friend no ill will, but I vowed no one , would ever put me through that again. My trust is damaged and now my friends are few, but they are good friends.
Hildagard, forget her, she really is not worth bothering about.
Nowadays, I am good to myself. The saddest thing is I do not think my friend even noticed I was not around, until I decided to end it. I was not playing second fiddle, or to be lifted and laid when it suited her,and I will not be treated like that ever again - for anyone!