Nasty thread on Mumsnet about a Gransnet thread

I wanted to talk to her doctor about it, but confidentiality!

He didn't allow her to stay on half a tab, he insisted she took the full dose, knowing it didn't suit her and made her feel really ill and dysfunctional !

Sorry to hear about your troubles yogagirl. Your DD does not have to take any drugs she does not wish to - perhaps she could talk to her GP again. This must all be a big worry for you.

Sorry dose

No Jane I asked that question myself. He took her to the doctors and sat there with her, insisting on a high does drug. When my D told me she felt like a zombie, I told her to half the does, which she did and felt tons better. My s.i.l is a drug addict, doesn't hide the fact, so this is where the problems lie!

Is your SiL a doctor yogagirl?

Before this happened to my family on the 16th Nov 2012, we too were that happy united family, I too would say "I would never allow a split to happen, I would fix it" I have jumped through hoops to do just this. My beloved daughter & grandchildren live just 5mins down the rd, but I haven't seen them in 3.5yrs!
It began with my D & her husband having a huge argument, whilst I & my ND were on holiday, we came back to help. My D stayed with me for a few days & I tried to mediate between them, to get them back together. When I said to s.i.l "You know J.. will get custody of L [not his C ] therefore J [his C] and it's the mother & C that stay in the family home" I said it in a nice way, to make him realise it wouldn't stay as he had it, my D out in the cold without her C. Anyway with my saying that, his hate turned from my D to me, he took her back and cut me out! Put my D on high dose anti-depressants to manage her, she is still on them now, even though she told him they make her feel like a zombie!
Obeione I know it is said to forgive and that that is the Christian way, but I cannot , my heart has been broken into a thousand pieces, it can never heal, if we were reunited, my heart would stay broken, it is too badly damaged. You would have to read 3.5yrs of posts, to hear the whole story. My s.i.l destroyed my family, smashed it to pieces, yet I had been only kind & generous to him. It is not just me I think about, my ND [estD sister] has been badly effected, not to mention my precious little GD, we worry about her every day, how she is being treated, is she safe, we cannot watch over her and protect her, I pray every day to keep her safe. But also my estD has been brainwashed to hate her birth family, that she was so close to before the above date, she has been damaged too by her H & his mother.
I just hope one day my estD will stop the drugs her H has put her on and then she'll say again; I feel like the fog has lifted from my brain and l can think clearly for myself again they were her words when she stayed with me, she was not on anti-depressants then, but bombarded with her H negativities, especially about herself.

Yes baden I think it must be awful to lose the support of those who should be most dear. If I thought I lost one or other of my children through ill feeling my heart would break and part of me would never heal.

Your situation sounds very like ours whitewave. We're not living in each others pockets, but we all know that the others are there if we need them. I feel very sad when I hear or read of families who are split/not talking.

I am lucky to have a splendid relationship with my two. Not sure why though. We tend to leave each other alone to get on with our lives, just catching up by text about once a week, or phone if conversation needs to be more in depth e.g. Talk about elderly grandmother or problems one or other of us have.We rejoice everyone's success, and support where it is needed. That works both ways. We know that if we need them - at our age it is largely health issues- they will be there. Likewise we do the same. We are always available to help with the grandchildren, although there are clear boundaries which we are all happy with. We get together high days and holidays and eat, drink and are merry. None of us criticises any one of the others to each other, never have never will. It's called unconditional live.

The two siblings are totally different with little in common, but their relationship survives well because they seem to recognise this and so accept that they will never be best friends, but friends in as much they have a common history, parents and if needed they provide support to each other.

I guess it works for us, but not for everyone. Everyone's different.

It's fine for someone to identify themself, if they want, but not if that also identifies others.

Sometimes though, for sanity's sake, distance [both physical and mental] is required.

I have never read the thread being referred to.
If people who have read it think it is wrong to give real names, why not report such posts to GNHQ and ask for the names to be deleted?

notanan - I think I agree with you in that, in some instances, the healthy place is to NC, if there really is no hope .
In most cases though, there may be hope.

Yogagirl - just a thought. I dont think things should be forgotten. But not held on to. And forgiveness helps.

Also want to add that I haven't seen many posters on those threads expressing "hatred" of their AC, as some accuse. What I've seen is anger, deep hurt, and a loss of trust. But maybe I'm just reading it differently than those who see hatred. It can be hard to read emotion on the Internet.

notanan I have no personal interest in the cut out of their lives thread that has exercised you, but it strikes me that there's some inconsistency in your position.
You seem to be saying that reconciliation would only be possible if the parent who has been subjected to NC were prepared to move on and create a new dynamic or words to that effect.
At the same time, you say your mother can't help 'being herself' and thus implying there's no way she can change herself to achieve this change.
Do you see what I mean? A bit Catch 22, isn't it?
Can I ask, if one if your own children had a personality or behaviour traits that you considered led to your relationship with them being 'unhealthy' - would you go NC with your own child?

Notanan, sorry if it came across as if I were saying that everyone who COs is a DIL COing a MIL. If you look again, I also mentioned "AC" and "parents." Most of my post focused on MIL/DIL cuz that's what I so often hear about. But I know a lot of MNers have distanced their own parents, just as many GNers have been pushed away by their own AC. I thought it was clear I know that there are other estranged relationships. Sorry if it wasn't.

Smieless, thank you for the compliment!

what's really sad and depressing, is that GN on this issue is being represented by posters who discourage other viewpoints or opinions that disagree with their own, who refuse to even consider there may have been even one thing that they have done wrong.

I'm not being represented by anyone! You're missing the point !

There are some people who through their own experience have viewpoints or opinions. There are other people who have vastly different opinions. On the thread you refer to there are about 5-10 regular posters. On GN in total there are thousands of us.

So those posters are not representing anyone but how they feel. And whether you agree with their opinions or not they are entitled to them and to express them. That doesn't make you right and them wrong...it simply makes you different.

Please stop trying desperately to fit us all in the same box. It's offensive.

Wow! So younger people and 'well you know what women are like'

Internalised misogyny and ageism in one post!

As for giving too much...certainly not true in my family.

I meant the young children turn their back on the mums on MN as they grow up or become adults themselves.

I too left an unhealthy relationship. I don't regret it, at the moment I don't want to repair it, I want to be left alone to get on with my own life.

MNers are only young yet, mostly, and so do not have our years of experience behind them. They are most likely mums to little children and they also do not have the influence or balance of dads on that website. It is all women and we all know how women can be when they get together. I for one, have mellowed over the last few years but I did use to be very forthright in my arguments and views. Now I don't care about some things as much as I've learned that I have so much else to focus on.

Also, they are in the throws of being mums to these young children and will in no way think that they could, in turn, turn their backs on their own parents. Maybe some will, then they may know the pain of what GP's on here are going through. And even then, some of these mums might not have done anything wrong apart from loving them and trying their best for them. Sometimes we have given too much.

Agreed there's not been in my own experience or in those of others both on mn and in really life that have been sadly forced to make this decision for their own emotional safety and that of their children ONE incident.

There may have been one straw that broke the camel's back.

But personally I've had it all my life and I'm now in my 40's. My family deny quite blatantly even clear incidents of abuse as well as the general dysfunction that was always there.

Also agree that wishing a dysfunctional and possibly abusive family on your own grandchildren is deeply disturbing.

That going NC has been and is for many 'the happy ending'.

What's really sad and depressing, is that GN on this issue is being represented by posters who discourage other viewpoints or opinions that disagree with their own, who refuse to even consider there may have been even one thing that they have done wrong.

a mother's love is unconditional and she should be able to back down and forgive, beg forgiveness even do back flips if that is what it takes

That's not how NC usually comes about though
Its not that there's been a disagreement, and nobody has "backed down" and said sorry, so everyone is just being stubburn and waiting for the other one to crack.

That's not the case for any of the MN posters I've come across

Usually its because the relationship is unhealthy, it's not over one single point or arguement or disagreement…

So what could my mother beg forgiveness for except being herself? What good is that? is she going to not be herself from now on? no. So what use would that apology be? It wouldn't mean it would suddenly become a safe healthy family dynamic that he kids could re-engage with.

nobody needs to "back down" there is nothing to back down from. We didn't fall out over whether to serve duck or turkey for christmas. I just ended a destructive cycle. Left an unhealthy relationship.

If someone leaves a partner after an unhealthy relationship.. nobody needs to "back down", it doesn't matter if the partner apologised at that point does it? Going back isn't always the best outcome!

That thread does not reflect the opinions of the majority on GN.
I would never allow such a situation to arise in my family, a mother's love is unconditional and she should be able to back down and forgive, beg forgiveness even do back flips if that is what it takes.

estrangement is the happy ending nannaandgrampy, I just hope that whatever love there is on the other side, if any, extends to not trying to shatter the peace we have at last build for the children, if a little too late (should have NCed before they were born so they had a peaceful happy experience of family from the start)

I have always appreciated that the estranged thread is NOT typical of wider GN, which seems like a great place.. but the tone on the estranged thread here seems pretty unanamous generally