Nasty thread on Mumsnet about a Gransnet thread

Well said Yogagirl. She is notanan

Walk A Mile In My Shoes, eh?

On a different note - I could have gone NC with my mum and step dad (a violent bully with a gambling addiction) but I didn't because I loved my mum. I just saw very little of them after I went off to work overseas, but I still kept in contact with mum.
I could have found every excuse in the book to cut her out of my life for allowing my stepdad to treat me and my siblings like he did. But loves a funny old thing. It forgives.

It's not just words Nannaandgrampy

some of them are actively collecting files of evidence against the parents to present to the GCs (some even after their deaths via a solicitor) to try to get "their side of the arguement" over to the grandkids. To try to prove to these children that they claim to love that their parent's are bad guys who make bad decisions.

THIS is what they want to focus on if they see their GCs again, not building bridges, not moving forward, not trying to re-join the family as a cooperative unit! NO! they want to use the children as part of their revenge against their adult children.

If this is their overriding desire if/when they get to see those GCs, they do not love those children. If they loved them they would wish for a more peaceful future family life for them than they have themselves had in the past with their own children.

I sometimes say I'll kill my husband !! Sometimes I've even checked out the patio to see how much room I have !!

But it's just words, letting off steam. It's neither true nor will it happen .

So I think notanan that when people say they'll ' never forgive their estranged adult children' it's exactly the same thing.

NO mother would ever wish to be estranged from her child no matter what , and I for one, cannot imagine the pain and heartache both sides go through . So if that pain makes them lash out online, with words, to like minded souls who understand where they are coming from I see no harm in that.

Neither you nor I can know what happens in a family , we can only apply our own exp Irene's which might or might not have any relevance. So , perhaps you might want to be a little compassionate because who knows what the future holds for your own family. It's not a situation anyone would wish to experience I'm sure.

notanan

Sorry to say but your 'pronouncements' are not strictly accurate.

People don't walk away from good relationships only bad ones

Oh, but they do - and live to regret it. I have first hand experience.

My first husband announced he was leaving on the day we returned from a spell of working abroad. He decided that he wanted a 'new life' after we'd been married four years. And then he was gone. He had never communicated to me that he'd felt like that. They were desperate times for me. He was the love of my life. A year later he contacted me full of regret, and said that he hadn't realised how happy we were together until he had spent time without me. He'd thought he was going to find a better life but realised that was just a fantasy. It was all too late for me as I could not have gone through the pain if he ever did it again. It was a good relationship - but he just didn't see it at the time.

I hope my children do learn that they don't have to stay in unhealthy relationships no matter who with.

Like many posters on that thread, you sound almost gleeful at the prospect that your own GCs may some day make the difficult decision to have to end a close family relationship with their own parents. How can they claim to love their grandchildren whilst appearing to wish that upon them? Why would it please you if they found themselves in a position where they felt they had to do that?

The only possible answer is that your desire to "win" and avenge your adult children is stronger than your care for your grandchildren!

Todays pages do in fact (with on exception I admit) discuss just that - using future contact to highlight to the GCs how the GPs disagree with the parents!

Notanan
No one has every said; ^ using any potential future contact with the GCs to get "their side" across to the GCs,^ you said that not us! Anyway notanan, you picked a very apt name, as when your C grow and look on you as the perfect mother you proclaim to be, they will think, 'now how did mother treat our grandparents, oh yes, she cut them out, so let's be as good a mother as ours was, and do the same to her, cut her our, NC!'

Excellent post Smileless, as always

Lovely post Wendysue Thank you for your insight

None of us have ever said we hate our AC, but we do hate what they have allowed to happen

There have been numerous discussions about "never forgiving" the adult children
And using any potential future contact with the GCs to get "their side" across to the GCs, rather than using it to enjoy their company and perhaps try and be on the same side as the parents if there's any future contact, it's all about undermining the parents to the GCs and potentially causing problems for them with their own parents by dragging up he "us Vs them" dynamic by using the contact to try to get them on side?. Nobody who loved their GCs in a healthy way would wish that for them!

Sugarpuff

I said I do not mind being identified as I have done nothing wrong, the whole of our family know the story, and if my s.i.l & his mother have done no wrong, then they wont mind either.

Jesus.
It's not abou you. And whether you think you've done anything wrong or not.
It's about the children and their digital safety and privacy!
Can't you put the children first over your own righteousness! If this kind of thing is typical of your behavour then this might be a wee insight into the NC decision.

As for ILs and partners turning adult kids against parents. Sometimes it takes experiencing a normal family dynamic to really be able to see your own family for what it is. So obviously some NCs will coincide with a good normal, peaceful, healthy relationship with a partner or new ILs

CherryTree you are a good person and have certainly earned your Angel wing

notanan so that everyone knew how they had been treated!" this last line was added. I said I do not mind being identified as I have done nothing wrong, the whole of our family know the story, and if my s.i.l & his mother have done no wrong, then they wont mind either.

Notanan your talking about after the fact [being NC]

Sorry I should have said before, that I know the other posters on 'our' estrangement page, love their adult C too, want them back and would and have done everything to stop this alienation. None of us have ever said we hate our AC, but we do hate what they have allowed to happen, instigated by their partners & their partners family.

Yogagirl they came, and I cooked the dinner, and seeing them tucking into it with relish has got to be one of the best things in this world.

And I am so sorry for anyone who doesn't get that priviledge.

Made me laugh again Jinglebells
dinner calls, back to read last page later....

yeah, you love(d) them, but not, apparently, enough to not put their privacy and safety at risk for the sake of your own agenda.. so surprising they're NC it really is….

Notanan I loved my now estD with all of my heart and soul, as I love my GC. We had a very loving and special bond too. My D&GD lived with me. When her now H came along, I welcomed him with open arms, he lived in my house for 6mnths too and we didn't have a problem then. When they moved into their own home, I knew my place and was very happy for them. Too long a story to repeat, but I miss my baby daughter so so much, I cry everyday for her and my GC and just want them back.
reading & posting...

My children's digital safety and privacy would always trump my own motives to have "my side" of anything heard.

Because I love them in an unselfish way, and their best intrests trump whatever else I have going on.

Just read MarriedtoBlacksheep so before I continue reading, I just wanted to say Thanks for posting . I would and have done everything in my power to end this estrangement, apologized for things I have no idea what, said I would change my ways and on and on, but nasty s.i.l wanted me out, then the sister [my ND], followed by every member of my now estD's family. He is stepdad to my precious GD and he and his mother were just jealous of our special and loving bond, so we had to go!

Alea I have nothing to hide and am not ashamed of anything, all my family members know the whole story, so why would I not be open and honest, I have no problem if someone can suss out who I am and if nasty s.i.l & his mother feel the same, they wont mind either.

Jinglebells as always, you made me laugh about dinner

Well that is a hard one to reconcile smileless because my mother would swear blind to the outside world that we had a good loving family.
Street angel house devil as they say

MNers never atributed the original quote to GN. What was said was that it is sad and depressing how the GN thread demonstrates well why people have to go NC in some cases, and why there's no hope of reconcilliation (i.e. the lack of insight)

Some people do walk away from good relationships notanan, our son did. I am not naive enough to think that all parents of EC have done nothing to deserve to be totally excluded from their children's lives and you shouldn't be naive enough to think this only happens to 'bad' parents.

As a regular poster on 'that thread' I'm 99.9 per cent certain that the 'quote' on MN didn't come from 'that thread'. I've certainly no recollection of seeing it on the thread in its current form and when it used to be in AIBU and I've been a regular poster for nearly 4 years.

Wendysue as always you've made a great contribution to the discussion.

wendysue, why is there always the assumption that it's DILS cutting off MILs? most of the MN posters are talking about their own parents.

I can't get my head around why if someone leaves a damaging relationship with a partner, nobody tells them "there's two sides to every story" and they should acknowledge the feelings of their abuser. But if the damaging relationship was with a parent or IL is okay to victim blame?

People don't walk away from good relationships, only bad ones.

You don't go through a divorce because you wake up one day and decide to hurt your partner for no reason.
You don't walk away from your parents unless you have no other good choice. Either stay and have your children learn unhealthy relationship habits, or leave.

Just want to add that I totally sympathize with those of you here who have CO PILs cuz they wouldn't follow safety rules/did something dangerous with your kids. Protecting your children/core family is ABOVE ALL, in my view.

Also, Married2BlackSheep, I wouldn't have blamed you and DH if you CO pr lowered contact with your ILs even before the dangerous incident. Racist and homophobic comments are so not ok. Even if they apologized for those and promised not to utter them in front of the kids again, I think I would have at least lowered contact, if I were you. Cuz the attitudes would still be there and you (general) can't be sure whether or not such a nasty comment would slip out, eventually, or not.