Nasty thread on Mumsnet about a Gransnet thread

I guess that's an issue if you are estranged from family members Garlic . I count my lucky stars I'm not. Just although anyway !

N&G, I see your point but, as GNHQ have already explained, they can be held liable for certain consequences.

Wow what a busy person you are garlic cake

Huh?

Wow what a busy person you are garlic cake?

Playing devils advocate..... What if I don't want you to police me stop . What if I am happy with the information I share? What if I believe MY information is fine to share?

I've reported the posts that had surnames or addresses in them so hopefully that should help.

Wow, what a big task! I think it's really kind of you to have made such an effort, Stop.

Stopsharing - thanks for your post, I agree 100%.

Jinglbells you are naughty!!

Stopsharing I take your point, nice for you to show concern xx

Rosyglow you sound like a lovely person and mother and you were very thoughtful with your d.i.l with her b/day gifts, cake & wine. I I'm sure you have the same problem as me with your d.i.l; jealousy! All I can say is that you haven't been totally cut out, like some of us on here, so do everything you can to keep it that way. I know it must hurt, with your d.i.l's unfriendly behaviour, especially not letting you push your GD in the pram you bought! and not seeing much of them.
Next time your Son's down, try to diplomatically let him know how you feel and how much you miss seeing your baby GD, but be super careful how you word it, as he could repeat this to his wife, so bare that in mind. Good luck & God Bless

It's good advice since it seems that some of the old dodderers hadn't thought of any of that.

Cut Out Of Their Lives
She makes a very valid point though.

What is COOTLE?

How lovely to have a Mumsnetter coming on here to take care of us old dodderers.

Hello ladies,

Full disclosure, I'm a Mumsnetter and I don't have personal experience of estrangement, so I'm not going to comment on that.

I do have strong feelings about keeping safe online and having talked to GNHQ about it I'd like to point some stuff out. Sorry if I go on!

Most of the conversations about sharing GC names etc publicly have talked about what would happen if the EC found this thread and used it against you. That's definitely a risk. It's also a risk that someone could use knowledge of GC to harm them.

But don't forget that *literally anyone* can see these posts, including cyber criminals. With the info given on COOTL about some posters, including location, occupation, some surnames, dates of birth as well as things that are often used as passwords (GC names, birthdays, pet names, wedding anniversaries) a criminal could have a good shot at stealing the identity of a poster or their family member. A burglar could have a good stab at working out someone's address and then wait until you were on holiday.

I know that GN guidelines don't forbid posting names and I think that's right. A name in isolation can't give you that much. It's the build up of information that is a problem. Also I know that the regular posters have already taken this on board and that the current thread has been edited. But of course most of the info is still there on the previous four threads.

I don't want to be alarmist, but the Internet is a scary and lawless place some times. I've reported the posts that had surnames or addresses in them so hopefully that should help. Chances are things will be fine this time, but I hope anyone reading this who doesn't see the issue with posting identifiable information can bear it in mind.

Thanks for reading my mammoth post! to you all xxxxx

Oh Rosyglow, you are not your just son's past, you are his present and should be in his and his D's future too. You have an important role in his family as his mother, his D's grandmother and m.i.l. to your d.i.l., if only she would let you. I really feel for you and your sonbut am so pleased that he still shows you that he loves you. I know what you mean "I just miss him.....(nothing can) replace a hug".

When we skype our son In Aus. or talk on the 'phone, it's just so good to hear him say 'mum'; how I miss that. I've kept 3 pf his messages on our answer 'phone, just so I can hear his voice, hear someone calling me mum.

Yes Celeb, the reasons I was given for not having him for childcare were initially that I hadn't spent enough time with him. Difficult to have done otherwise when it was difficult to get any where near him. Interesting that she took the time to introduce him to a childminder, a complete stranger who as lovely as I'm sure she is, only looks after him because she's paid to do so. Later, when things had deteriorated we were told that they'd wanted "reliable and stress free childcare".

Herof our close relationship Wendysue. The night they got engaged she told me she had only child syndrome and didn't share. Before they married ES told me they'd argued more than once because she resented our 'phone calls, his calling in to see me and even the 2 of us laughing and joking together when Mr. S. and I were visiting them or they were visiting us.

Before they married she told me that she used to have a problem with my relationship with ES, admitted to her jealousy but said she was 'over it' now. She hadn't realised that that was how parent/child relationships could be. She did have a difficult childhood; I knew her mother for several years before they got together, we were actually really good friends, so I know from her and d.i.l. that things could have been an awful lot better.

It would be fair to say that her's was a pretty dysfunctional family which makes it all the more that being welcomed into a 'normal' loving family, she should desire not just to reject it once married and pregnant, but quite literally rip it apart.

Expect nothing - then you can't be disappointed - that's my motto!

Good morning Wendy. Thank you for your thoughts.

The visits were Friday to Sunday, and organised in the same way they have always been, by my son. "We'll be home for the weekend on such and such a date....is that OK with you? Can't wait to see you mum". I bought all their favourite foods, and arranged lunch out on the Saturday, at an animal petting farm with lovely woodland walks. I was still learning to walk again following spinal surgery, which had resulted in septicaemia, so still a bit wobbly. It had been my DIL's birthday a few days prior to one of their visits, so I bought a little birthday cake and a nice bottle of wine, along with a few lovely presents. My son had to remind her several times that they were there, before she bothered with any of them. We had the cake and wine, but she didn't open the presents, just took them to their bedroom to put in her case.

The first weekend I was home from the hospital, it was my birthday. My son came home to spend it with me, and handed the phone to me to speak to her a couple of times. My health wasn't mentioned, just that it was good that I was back home in time for my birthday. She was in the last stages of her pregnancy at that time, so maybe she resented my son being with me. Prior to his daughter being born, he always came home at special times, including Christmas. I told him many times that I thought they should be together, but he said he loved being home. His wife preferred to go to her family, despite my suggesting that they spent Christmas with one of us and the New Year with the other. In fact she was there for several weeks before and after the birth. Now of course my son, quite rightly, spends these times with his daughter, and his wife's family. I have told him that this is how it has to be. To a certain extent, I'm his past, his little girl is his future.

I was always a very outgoing person, before my illness, with a rather wicked sense of humour. I can only wonder if I inadvertently said something that offended her.

When I read the other's stories, I actually count my blessings. It isn't how I thought it would be, but no one can take away the love that my son shows.....at least I hope not! I just miss him. Calls/texts/emails can't replace a hug can they?

P.S. Sorry to write still another post, but Rosy, I meant to say so sorry about your illness and your resulting concerns about travel. (((Hugs)))

As for DIL's failure to send a Get Well card or message, she may have thought that DS' visits covered that. If it were me, I would still have sent a card or something. But she may not think that way. Just saying that here, too, it may just be a different way of looking at things.

Ok, now I'll be quiet.

Rosy, I've been thinking about you some more and I realize that no matter what hope I try to give you, it still hurts to see your GD so infrequently. How long did the last visit go on though? If it were several days, maybe DS and DIL think that's a lot? Perhaps they intend future family visits to be as long, even if few and far between?

I'm also wondering how those two visits came about? Did you invite them? Did they say they'd like to come and visit and then worked out a date with you? Have you tried asking them to come as a family unit again? If you did, what was the response?

Sorry for asking so many questions, but I'm just trying to get t fuller picture of what might be going on...

Smileless, yes, it's hard for me to understand someone not being interested in their spouse's side of the family. I always was. But I know I've seen some DILs say they just aren't, no fault of MIL's.

It's stranger still, of course, when this change happens after a child comes into the picture. True, schedules change and so on, but I know that's not what you're talking about. Unless there's a clue in something ES has said to you, I just don't know what to think about that. It's just so very sad.

And yes, I know what you mean about being a DIL or SIL and reminding a DH about his mother's birthday and so on. But, apparently, that's not the way some couples see things these days. I was just suggesting to Rosy that this may be why she doesn't hear from DIL, nothing more. Hopefully, she can find some comfort in that thought.

Obieone, thanks for telling us more about Dsis. But I don't quite get what she's blaming your dad for - her breakup with fiancé or her distancing the family (or did she? I 'm not quite sure of that either). Obviously, you still have some contact with her, so that's good. Glad she has love in her life again, too.

Hmmm... Rosy, that is strange that they said the baby equipment at your house would be needed and now it has hardly been used. Were there any issues over it? Did you people disagree on brands or whatever? Is it possible they anticipated visiting often and then found it was harder traveling with baby than they thought?

I remember feeling uncomfortable with others holding my first baby, too, except for DH and my own DM. I wasn't sure why, at the time - that Mama Bear thing, I guess. Nevertheless, I forced myself to let MIL hold her and push her carriage, and so forth cuz I thought I should. And if she had bought the carriage, wow, I can't imagine telling her she couldn't push it! But not everybody is like me, I guess. (smile). I can see where that must have hurt, but I still think it may be the Mama Bear.

I don't mean to make light of your concerns.. You may be totally right and DIL may be trying to distance you as much as she can for whatever reason. I'm just saying there are other possibilities and please don't give up yet.

For now, in fact, I suggest not mentioning any of this to DS anymore. He knows you would like your gifts to be acknowledged and reciprocated (if you've told him that) and he can take care of that if he so chooses. Gifts and TY notes, etc. may just not seem that important to him, though - not much you can do about that. Or - does he thank you when he calls? He might think that's enough.

Anyhow, please just enjoy those phone calls and don't weigh them down with unhappy talk. (But you probably don't - I'm just saying that in case...)

Rosy glow I do feel for you I try hard with my son partner, and I am fond of her, but it is difficult and in your case extremely unfair and heartbreaking for you.

Sadly my son has no children yet but I live in hopes and I know he would never stop me seeing them because he is totally different character to his sister.

I could t bear to read it all on mumsnet but I have now changed my grand daughters blog to private as someone spoke jeering about it.

It seems like a cult of who can be the rudest and use the f word the most.
Yet a lovley member just strolling. By posted on our support thread and gladdened all our hearts so they not all the same,

Thank you both.

I too have several hundred pounds worth of baby stuff here, which I was told would be needed. Only the travel cot was used on the two occasions she was here. I can still see her, smiling up at me from it's depths! The stair gates, baby walker, push chair, high chair, and lots of expensive toys are just gathering dust. She will be too old for these things now anyway, but I don't seem able to part with them. The buggy that I wasn't allowed to push was bought by me too!

The saddest part of all this is the fact that whilst I still have regular contact with my son, I see a lot less of him obviously. He travels the world with his job, so naturally wants to spend as much time with his little one when he's home.

I would like those people on MN who are making judgements, without an ounce of accurate knowledge of our circumstances, to spend a little time in our shoes. Although, without empathy, that would not make a difference to their patronising and blinkered thinking. I totally accept what they are saying regarding their experiences, and feel for them.. Would that they could at least try to understand that everyone's experience is different, but heartache is universal.

Smilelss ??? I did not get to buying equipment stage plan was I was going to drive to ed and care for little girl once a week I was sooo thrilled,

Couple months before ed returned to work I went to visit and she was v het up I was reprimanded furiously for getting grass on slippers when I got washing in. I had just returned from Canada, fantastic holiday but I had awful toothache and had root canal treatment in Vancouver ! So I was little fragile, I was told her M I law and husband would sort childcare. It hurt me so badly, being low anyway I cried, and later that was I translated as me being unstable.

However coupe days later ed said she preferred see me and if I was caring for little one while she was at work she wouldn t, that cheered me up but feel naive now as it was the start of letting. Me go.

Were you given reason why you were t needed for childcare was their a row with d I law Smilelss?

Dsis has remained single, though now has a longterm boyfriend. Sadly, though we didnt know it for years, for her, other boyfriends didnt match up to the fiance. .
We didnt lose contact, but she blamed our dad a bit somewhat. Thinking about it, and again we didnt find out until much later, I think her relationship with our dad wasn't how it should have been after that. Nothing too bad at all, but altered for the worse.