Nasty thread on Mumsnet about a Gransnet thread

Married2BlackSheep, I'm the black sheep of my family. I'm 57 now, been cast out since I was a child. Long story but it's how some families are. In my case, I think I was the lucky one in all honesty. I've been able to grow beyond a very regimented style of thinking. If I'd stayed I don't think I would have become the person I am today. Not that it hasn't been painful, it hurts to be rejected. I'm sure your husband must feel it and you clearly feel for him too.
But you know.........you can't open a closed mind and sometimes it's best to just count your blessings and let people and situations go. I often joke that I come from the Adams family and that I'm the sane one! I find attaching some humour helps even though damn and blast it's true.

I note that you're insisting that all your PIL's need to do is say sorry. Their generation won't appreciate being told this. How dare you talk down to a parent. It's how they think. Your option here is to consider if there is another way that you could end the war without insisting on an apology? Now before you say, 'ah but'....let me tell you that if you're insisting on an apology and they're insisting on not giving one, you're both in a war for control, not a solution. Yes, that's both of you unpalatable as it sounds. Can you forgive them their generational arrogance and horror at being asked to apologise and think of another way to mend fences? Yes of course they're going to blame you and make it all your fault. They haven't reached the point of wisdom yet where they can see it's a fruitless exercise. Have you??? Can you be bigger without sacrificing yourself in the process? This means learning the art of diplomatic negotiation, a skill not readily adopted but badly needed.
Next point, if FIL is a bully and MIL is also hard work, ie they are rude, critical, openly hostile and they can't compromise,(you won't get them to change), it might be best to just focus on you and your husband and your own family. In other words, like my own situation, it might have gone past the point of no return. There is life afterwards and peace can be found. I hope this helps you in some way. xx

I take your point Wendysue and maybe because I have a close family with non of the issues that seem to be sadly on the increase I don't see the information as mine or theirs. Its simply names. I think if anyone is dead set on finding out about someone they will find a way thanks to the Internet.

So caution is fine, but so is common sense and whilst I appreciate the warning , I'm tired of anyone whether that be other posters, the government or total strangers thinking they know what's best for me or my family. The whole 'Nanny state' thing is intrusive and makes me feel as though I am unable to make informed and well considered decisions on my own.

Common sense in all things as my Gran used to say

But NandG if you (general) did give out the real name of a family member, that wouldn't be your info, that would be theirs. And unlike yourself (personal), not everyone is aware of the dangers of the Internet. I understand what you mean about not wanting one member to police other members posts, but I don't think that's what Stop was doing. It seems to me she was just trying to caution us in case we didn't realize the possible problems.

Or by "police" are you referring to the fact that she said she spoke to GNHQ? Ok... but in the Support thread GNHQ pointed out that there could be "legal ramifications" for them if such names were left standing. But they might not have caught them if Stop hadn't said something (or maybe they were already working on it, I don't know, of course). So maybe it's good that she was alert to this. Just my thoughts.

Rosy, you sound like a very charming and caring person.

Also, I'm glad to hear that you get "lots of photos and videos" of GD! As I'm sure you've noticed, when people go NC or even LC, they don't generally send a lot of pictures of the grands. Maybe it's only cuz of DS (I bet he's the one sending you the photos and videos, yes?). But as long as you keep up a good relationship with him, I think you'll be ok.

I get your missing the conversations you used to have, etc. But, right now, IMO, the most important thing is that you're not CO. I hope it stays that way, and I have faith it will.

So sorry about the loss of DH. But glad to see you have fond memories.

I think that's much more interesting than the hacking thing.

I wonder if it was her that sent the SWOT team out?

No, just thought I'd mention it in the light of the comment about Mumsnetters being pretty hot on security...

As you were.

That's not what is being discussed here though, is it?

A girl?!!! And they were calling him/her Geoffrey!

Just heard on the news that it was an 18 year old girl who hacked into MN last year...yes, they obviously need to be hot on internet security!

Well said Jingl !

When a poster states this, "It's not a coincidence. I'm a Mumsnetter. We're pretty hot on internet security smile", why does it make me want to yell, "We're not bloody stupid on here either!!!"

And a lot of us were also MNrs. Until we grew out of it.

Farnorth but it is My info , that's my point . I don't require policing .

I started in computers in the early 70's and worked high tech most my life. I totally accept and understand the dangers . Rarely are people what they seem on the Internet. For instance , my Facebook persona is not in my real life name . On here , if I mention family members maybe I don't use their real names, the area I say I live may not be so.

I agree caution is necessary but my point was that I should not need another forum member or one from another forum to police my posts.

I am not in the very sad position that most of you on this thread seem to be, and feel sorry for your losses( because that's what they are.)
I think a lot of DIL's feel jealous of MIL's because they ( the MIL)have known the son, and had their love for such a long time.It can make them resentful.
Also, there are a lot of strange people out there and it may be that your difficult DIL has problems ( hardly anyone is 'normal') so it may not matter what you do, or don't do. All you can do is be as diplomatic as possible, and try and keep channels open for the future.?

Thanks Wendy, and the rest of you.

To a great extent I am at peace with the situation, if that makes sense. The aftermath of my brush with death - the sepsis - led to a lot of soul searching. My son's love has never been in doubt, and for that reason, I will not put any pressure on him. I have my suspicions lately about his marriage, and will be here if he needs me, although I hope that doesn't happen. In some ways, the old adage "you never miss what you never had" is true with regards to my granddaughter. Sadly, I don't know her, although I live in hope that will change. I do miss the fun times and the wicked laughter my lad and I always shared. I lost the other half of me several years ago too, but again the memories are of much laughter and happiness.

I get lots of photo's and videos of the little one, so can watch the changes as they happen. She looks the absolute image of my son at that age.....in a pretty dress! That was something that seemed to anger her mother when I mentioned it. Why the hell does it matter? She is the most beautiful little girl, and her own little person.

I only posted originally because of the rather patronising judgements being made by people with no real idea of the pain and heartache being suffered by many estranged grandparents. I hope my story goes a little way to dispel those off the cuff opinions.x.?

"invading your privacy" - but that's the point, Wendysue. There's no real privacy on the internet. Even so-called private groups can be hacked into.

Ugh! So sorry to hear this celeb and granjura! But thanks for the cautionary tales!

Granjura, I can't get over a mod actually invading your privacy that way (or anyone, really, but especially a mod)! How awful!

When I complained, he just banned me- and to this day members of that Forum have no idea what happened.

So sorry to hear this celebgran. I was 'stung' too, on the first Forum I joined (expats in France) when one of the mods began to make enquiries with people in the town we used to live in the UK. Like you, nothing to hide- but it was most shocking and unpleasant when we found out.

I have Learnt this to my cost, as I go on a closed group which is private, unlike this forum.

I can't believe I was so silly now.

I dont have anything to hide but it has caused repercussions for me sadly

NaG even if you are not estranged, it's not very clever to share info about yourself that could, at the same time, identify family members.

Smileless, it sounds as if DIL's dysfunctional past has impacted your relationship with her and ES and GC. How sad and unfair. I truly feel for you.

Stop, I haven't shared any identifying information, but I think you make excellent points.

P.S. Have you and DS considered skyping or FaceTime? Still not the same as a hug, but at least it's face to face contact.

You're welcome, Rosy! And thanks for tolerating my writing so much!

IMO, it's beautiful the way you went all out for DS and family, especially for DIL's birthday, after just having had surgery! Some people would have just begged off doing anything special,, saying, "I can't do much..." I don't know if they appreciate that, but I do.

I'm not surprised that DS always arranges the visits - that goes along with the yours/mine idea. Nor am I too surprised that DIL didn't mention your illness on the phone that other time. Maybe she thought expressing happiness that your home was enough. Or that your actual illness was too personal or sensitive an issue. Maybe as you say, she was upset that DH wasn't with her since she was "in the last stages of pregnancy." Unfortunately, she may be blaming you for that, even though it wasn't your fault.

Granted, DS was in a tough position - go to DM who just got home from the hospital and has a birthday coming up or stay with DW who's close to giving birth. Unfortunately, she may feel he chose you over her and the coming baby - very likely a HUGE issue for her - again NOT your fault, but SHE MIGHT be blaming you (sigh).

It IS odd, IMO, that DIL responded so coldly (or so it seems to me) to your efforts for her birthday. Was this before of after DS' visiting you during her pregnancy? if it was after, that could be why, as unfair as that may be.. Or, perhaps you're right, she was hurt by some quip or other you made. Can you think of what it might have been? Has she or DS said/hinted at anything?

"Prior to his daughter being born, he always came home at special times, including Christmas. I told him many times that I thought they should be together, but he said he loved being home. His wife preferred to go to her family, despite my suggesting that they spent Christmas with one of us and the New Year with the other. In fact she was there for several weeks before and after the birth. Now of course my son, quite rightly, spends these times with his daughter, and his wife's family."

I may be all wrong, but it sounds to me as if there were some issues between them before GD came along. Or it may just be that they each had some difficulty letting go of their own side of the family or working out a way to alternate holiday visits. as you suggested. Now that he's a father, it appears that DS has matured enough to prioritize his new core family (himself, DIL and GD) and let go of you and other relatives a bit. But DIL hasn't learned to let go of her side, as yet. Or she won't cuz she's still mad at something you said and/or at DS' leaving while she was pregnant. Much of this is more about them than it is about you ( well, except if one of your comments inadvertently hurt her). So sorry about that.

Then again, it could just be that they live closer to her relatives and that's much easier for them, right now. Maybe as GD gets older they'll begin to alternate the holidays a little more. It may be a good idea to just wait and see.

" I have told him that this is how it has to be. To a certain extent, I'm his past, his little girl is his future."

This I think, is a beautiful attitude! So is your appreciation for DS' love and the fact that he communicates with you as often as he does. I get what you''re saying about emails and texts not be able to "replace" a "hug." But they're better than nothing, yes? If you keep whatever contact you have as pleasant as possible, I doubt you have anything to worry about where he's concerned. Hopefully, in time, that good relationship will include GD.

I meant just a thought......oh for and it option lol