Why can't families leave children alone when they are on a gap year

I think there is plenty of privacy in just getting in touch occasionally.
My son was going to be in mountains with no way of contact for 10 days. I can't see that it was constant monitoring or lack of privacy to let us know that he was back in civilisation - after all someone needed to know that he wasn't lost with no phone signal.
I suspect that it isn't a problem. If you have brought them up with roots and wings and to be independent they are going to do it anyway. If you are constantly interfering and controlling or have no interest then they won't.

Children being away from home would be a worry and I would want to be in contact. However, we are talking about adult offspring, adults should be allowed privacy. Children need confidence and constant monitoring is not going to build their self esteem and self reliance. When my kids were little I used to role play with them - so they knew that faced with an issue they would know what to do. It worked. They are confident adults and I would not worry about them going abroad, moving away or anything else because I know that they would ensure their own safety.

It is a poem that I fully agree with and I equally agree with 'give them roots and give them wings' but I don't think this means that they can't be in regular contact if they are in remote regions. If I were to go off for a very late gap year ( something I quite fancy!) I would certainly have contact details and email them regularly to set their minds at rest.
If anyone does get lost, or in difficulties, it is nice to know that you could say 'I heard from them last Tues and they were in ........... and going to ........'. Rather than 'sorry, I haven't a clue about their plans- they might be in Australia but they might not be'!
If I was young I wouldn't want the duty of daily contact with my parents but I would want to know that I could turn to them in an emergency, they knew where I was and they cared. I don't think I would like to be waved off with a 'see you when we see you'.
I can't see what is wrong with a middle way.

Maccytee1955, thank you. I had forgotten that beautiful poem.
I agree with you, letting go is loving them enough to let them make their own adventures. None of mine have strayed far, but my eldest has flown the coop. I rarely phone her, but let her phone me. She knows that it is not because I don't care, but because I don't want to intrude. She is only just beginning to be independent, I don't want her to feel that i am watching her, she knows i will always be there. I am a great believer that "no news is good news"
Of course I love to hear from her, but I don't demand a certain frequency of contact.
I do occasionally phone her, but not often. If she wants or needs me, she knows where I am

I think that you need a middle route, not being minutely involved but to have them regularly in contact so that you know they are OK.

My 3 DD's all went off travelling at the same time, although not together, at the end of 1999 before mobile phones were de rigeur. They e-mailed occasionally if they found an internet caff and occasionally phoned. Of course I was concerned but there wasn't the constant need to be 'in touch'. I was only worried when the youngest landed up in hospital with a eye problem and I am only too glad I wasn't aware they all jumped out of an airplane until after the event..... I still sort of worry about them, for other reasons, even though they are all married with children, but they are big grown up people. I just remember what I got up to when I was young, footloose and fancy free - my parents knew nothing about it - and I survived!

I agree with MaccyT1955 about Khalil Gibran and the poem on chilhood; in fct I had it read at my middle/youngest daughters baptism in France, in both languages. Funnily enough the book in which it was contained (an anthology) was on the 'Catholic literature' shelf in the French library!

Maccytee1955
I don't have any 'motive' or secret agenda involved in my worrying about my son.
He's an only child, and although he's very sensible, and more than capable of looking after himself, perhaps him being my only one makes me feel a little more clingy.
He knows I worry, so for years he used to send me a quick text whenever he got anywhere 'distant', no words, it was just a 'X', but it meant I knew he was safe.
I'm also an only child, my mum lost four babies after me, so she was understandably a bit of a 'smother mother'. This has probably influenced my dealings with my son, although I'm not a patch on my mum in the 'smothering' stakes.
He now has to, at times, drive the length of the country to see clients, and although I worry, and he knows that I do, we've broken the 'text me when you get there' habit.
I never worry about what he's doing, but I do worry about the unavoidable elements, sickness, accidents, crime et al.
I suffer, and have done for many years, from clinical depression, and maybe this also makes me worry more.
I may have come across as being judgmental, and for that I apologise, but you've been pretty judgmental too.
Let's face it, some of us are just born worriers, and some aren't, it would be a very boring world if we were all the same!

My younger daughter went travelling round Australia for six months when she was in her twenties. It was before Facebook but she went into an internet cafe almost every day to let me know where she was. I printed her emails and gave them to her when she returned as it was a good memory for her. I had not asked her to do this but was so pleased that she did.
Her sister went on a diving year when she was 40. I got a breathless, excited phone call from a boat in the middle of nowhere saying that she had just been swimming with orcas and their babies.
Both daughters kept in touch frequently when travelling but it's just about once a week now they are both back in this country.

As someone who was "born to worry" I brought my kids up to be resourceful and independent. Since they became adults, if I don't hear from them, then I don't worry. Unfortunately, in the last two or three years there has been a lot of bad stuff happening to my daughter, which means that I do worry whether I hear from her or not!
A 'gap year' would be great!

Agree entirely with you posts at 6.26 and 6.30 bags. You put very well what I too would say.

I love my DC and DGC but also respect their right to live their lives independently of me. My role, as a parent, was to equip them to do that and then to respect their choices. I see anything they choose to share as a privilege, not as an absolute right. I would worry if something bad happened to them, as they would about me and DH. There is a difference between mothering and smothering.

I think I'd find it rather oppressive to have someone worrying about me all the time. Perhaps when people say they never stop worrying about their kids, they just mean that they never stop being interested in their welfare. That describes my position anyhow and it's is not 'worry', just interest because they are my kids and therefore important to me.

I do not worry about my adult kids at all.Both now in their thirties, they have proved themselves competent at running their lives many times over so I know I have no need to worry. It irks me when it is declared that parents "never stop worrying about their kids". That's a silly and, in my experience, wrong generalisation. If things were to go wrong in their lives, I expect I'd worry a bit, although I'd also expect them to cope pretty well except in really disastrous circumstances.

I don't think my parents worried about me either.

I like to hear from them but if I don't hear from them for a while, it doesn't worry me. I just assume they're busy. No news is good news. I brought them up to be independent and that's what they are.

I also know that, with modern communications being what they are, I'd hear soon enough if and when I needed to know something worth worrying about.

And before anyone makes other silly assumptions, we get on really well. We really like, trust, and value each other.

I would want to hear from them via text every so often just to know they were safe . You never stop worrying about your children no matter how old they are . I wouldn`t judge anyone with different views about it though , if you are happy to let her get on with it without contact then that's OK too , some of us are more prone to worrying than others x

MaccyTee There have been some rather judgmental comments on here, but your comment was quite judgmental too. Every person is different and every family is different. What you feel comfortable with, other people might not. I realise that it was your friend's comment that made you raise the issue and I think she should have kept her opinions to herself.

I don't think it's a case of not trusting someone to be sensible or responsibe, but there are things over which a person has no control - illness, accident, crime, etc.

If it were me, I would think it way over the top to be updated every day but if a son or daughter of mine was travelling for more than a few weeks I would like them to at least send a short e-mail now and again to say they're OK.

I'm sure everyone knows that worrying is a waste of time and energy but I'm fairly sure nobody makes a decision to worry. If you have a rather anxious nature, no amount of telling yourself that it's pointless to worry will actually stop you doing so.

My friend has a 27 yr old still living at home. When my friend and her H go away. Mum and D text each other at least once a day.

Now that is OTT

Thank you for your support. The reader who called me 'heartless' should examine her own motives. I care about, and love my children very much. In fact, letting go is the most loving thing you can do. What is the use of infecting your children with your own anxieties. Read the poem 'On Children' by Kahil Gabrin (not sure if I have got the spelling right!). This poem expresses everything I am trying to say so eloquently.

I am sure some grans thought I was heartless when I said (several times) before that I found that worrying was the most fruitless activity of all. If you spend time worrying about your offspring when they're off your apron strings, what earthly good is it doing to them or to you? My mother was a champion worrier and I have always been determined not to be like her and I'm not.

I can honestly say that when my DD went off travelling for a year I didn't worry about her. She is and was a capable person. The only time I fretted was when she rang me while she was quite unwell, she just needed to hear my voice although I could be of little practical help. Fortunately a few days later she rang again to say she was much recovered and was setting off once more.

I think she worried more about me when DH & I went off for a few months.

Three of my sons are travelling at the moment- two in India and one in China. They E mail us about every two weeks. Of course we worry a bit but it is always lovely to hear from them.

When I was 19 I spent over 9 weeks hitch hiking around Europe with my friend. The only contact We had with our parents was postcards from varpus places. My dad I found out had a map on the will and tried to trace our journey.

do you think there might be a viscious circle of worry going on with the ones in failry constant contact.

If you're not in constant contact you can asume no news is good news.

But if you know that they fell out with their mate over he kitty but it's okay because yesterday they met some really cool guys who they've never met before and have decided to drive up to the mountains with them in an old jeep they all chipped in and bought for £50 to this out of the way hostel where there's meant to be an amazing rave scene….
……. there might be more to worry about?? no?

I remember when my DD left to go to university, I told her never to tell me when she was going out at night as, so far as I was concerned, she was safely tucked up in her accommodation. I had no means of getting to her although, of course, I would have found a way in an emergency. Now, she's living the other end of the country but she still usually rings me when she gets home. She knows I worry (I never say anything) and she knows a 2 minute conversation puts my mind at rest. Letting someone you love know that you're OK only need take a minute but it can mean the world.

Or course you worry, all the time- but you also know you have to give them some slack and space to grow.

Both ours went travelling for at least a year each. It was before Facebook, but I was very thankful for email, so they could let me know every week or so that they were all right.
I heard of someone whose son made no contact while travelling in Asia for over a year. Nothing. After some frantic months they had to assume the worst had happened to him. Only to have him eventually turn up out of the blue as if nothing had happened. I think I'd have killed the little b*gger.