Relationships are they so awful?

You don't wash your dirty linen in public!

Posting on the internet under a username is hardly washing your dirty linen in public.

I agree with Jaycee above; people have more options and access to much better information, so there's less pressure on us to suffer silently behind a closed door.

Both my grandfathers (born around 1900) had long-running affairs: one had a second family! Grandmothers couldn't throw them out or leave, they had to "just get on with it", or suck it up in modern parlance. Two wars and Spanish flu decimated their families, along with other illnesses and injuries that were not treated. No family was without deep wounds. It breaks my heart to think of what my grandmothers went through. My dad was a sadistic psychopath (I'm not exaggerating) but we "just got on with it" and kept up a good front. Mum didn't even believe men could be kind to their female partners until several years after his timely death. Needless to say, I went on to marry two bullies and knew no different, until I received better information and re-set my values.

I am upset to think there are still so many who feel we should suck up the pain, for the sake of their heavily-papered view of the world around them.

IMO - In My Opinion

Alea - I've somehow missed your thread. I agree that there seems to be too much made out of family problems these days. And young people are led to have too high expectations or relationships. We should all be like the Waltons.
As Grannyknot wrote, these things have always happened, but they were kept within the family. You don't wash your dirty linen in public!
Then things change, hopefully for the better. Problems are forgotten and you move on.
I could write long stories about crises in our family, but TG they've passed and we survived.

Relationships :- I suppose they are affected / effected by surroundings, enviroment / s, finances, Education, experience/s, housing etc, etc. In the past :- larger families, closer proximity, difficulties to live with such as overcrowding etc. Possibly people shared tasks, had similar experiences, delegated tasks etc.

Whereas "nuclear family", long working hours, taking work home, commuting, living distance from other family members etc. Seems more isolating, less social etc. Some have become self - centred, materialistic etc. Yet it seems that relationships, socialising etc is important to mankind. Yet many workplaces may have little or no access to a work canteen ( parliament has High Class Restaurant Discounted via British Taxpayers Contributions). :- "Them and Us".

Parents are keen / eager to Bond with their children. Babies and children are valued in our Society. Individuals / People seem to need to be Valued and Respected irrespective of their age etc. Maybe that attitude / culture could "Improve the Health of the Nation".

What is IMO???

My mother came from a large family and there were 3 sisters. they lived in permanent competition with each other. Who had moved up the social ladder, whose husband earned most, and whose children were best at school etc etc.
Then Grandma died and they started in earnest fighting about the will. Then my mother suddenly died and they were there, this time weeping and I just told them its too late and showed them the door! That was my mother's family.
Our own family sufferd from a bad tempered father I'll not say more. I'm glad to have it all behind me and in my own family I am satisfied that we show each other respect and consideration. But I don't live my life through my children.
There are definitely some clinging mothers on this Forum who say they have fabulous relationships with their daughters until daughter wants to live her own life.
in this case GN is a good place to discuss it and to get another point of view.

I think that it is just that now people expect there to be a solution. I was born in 1952 and you pretty much had to accept your family as it was. Nowadays children can at least ring Childline and women have an exit and men can leave without being charged with child abandonment. Modern media has also made people realise that they are not alone with their particular problems. For all the problems of entitlement or people giving up too easily, I think things are a million times better today.

I grew up in a normal, nice family and see my brother and his family following that. Unfortunately, I was divorced, remarried and widowed. Currently I have 2 sons at home in their late 30s - one never left and one returned a few years ago (with another son in his own place who has kids). The 3 of them argue a lot and there's all sorts of issues going on, which I won't go into here. I really don't think I'm expecting too much for my children to be self-sufficient and not expecting me to keep them now I'm on a pension. I wonder what I've done wrong.

"Family life has always been a mix of highs and lows."

So agree with this ^^. But as PPs have said, the expectations have changed. I don't think there are more, necessarily, just different ones. Once, for example, women were expected by many to be sweet and uncomplaining. Now many expect us to speak up for ourselves. So - more open conflict but perhaps less hidden pain.

IMO, families and beliefs about what they're "supposed to" be are changing. So we hear gripes we wouldn't have heard in the past. And people distance each other for things that were once seen as "aggravating-but-par-for-the-course."

And yes, I agree that these Internet forums encourage complaints about families and questions about what's "normal." But, IMO, that also means we have a "safe place" (mostly) to explore issues we might not have voiced in the past.

So yeah, a lot has changed. But it's not necessarily "better" or "worse," IMO, just different.

Exactly Rosina turn up the radio
Or roll up your sleeves.
My point about my exhausting day was that it was not a patch on how my grandmothers days were keeping body and soul together during Clydebank blitz.
I never heard one word of complaint from her lips.
My own father deaf from 4 yrs old never once said 'why me' he made his way in the world.
My DM was diagnosed with breast cancer at 48. I looked after her till the end. 6 yrs later with 2 young children in tow.
I was happy to do so but a struggle all the same. No car we walked the 4 miles there and back everyday as not on bus route.
Today our DC have to face different challenges, but I'm so glad that they are not the ones faced my grandparents.

Expectations of life are completely different now and will be again for future generations.

The one thing that I have instilled in my DC is 'you do not wash your dirty linen in public'!

How lovely that your family life growing up was 'a smooth ride' Jenty61 I envy you. Unfortunately not everyone had such a good upbringing. Mine? A drunken, violent, alcoholic, abusive father and a mother so physically and mentally downtrodden that she sometimes neglected us children. My life isn't always a walk in the park these days but I wouldn't go back to that for anything.

I blame over exposure and over analysis of everything! Victoria Wood had it right with 'we just turned the radio up and got on with it'.

Can you imagine anything like the Jeremy Kyle show when we were young, or even more horrifying - when our mothers were? So many seem so over interested in other people's REALLY personal lives - people they do not even know, just vacuous 'celebrities' who do not seem to mind airing everything on TV/Facebook. Surely half of the drama, ecstasy and complications in these lives are fiction, and can lead to high expectations in those who follow. We have so much to be grateful for - not the least peace, the NHS, a mild and gentle climate and a system of government that won't see you in a dungeon having nasty things done if you criticise the PM....as far as we know!

Perhaps what I am trying to say in these ramblings is that lower expectations might well lead to a lot more happiness ; I remember Del Boy uttering the immortal line, many years ago now: 'Families - they hold you back, drag you down and break your bloody heart.'

When I had my fist child, my mother came to see the baby and said to me she would never babysit so don't ask. She said her time of looking after children was over.

I never asked her. She lost out on a lot when I think about it !

I'll do anything for my family if I can and I have the time. if i can't do it I will say so.

I don't allow anyone to take advantage as it breeds bad feeling, but if someone is ill then I will help all I can.

If you are a good person with good intentions people can and will take advantage. It's up to you to set the bar. I think you get more respect by saying 'No' now and again.

I bet you couldn't. We hide ourselves behind a mask if we are savvy.

I bet I could pick out the screwed up ones on here,and yes it often follows from generation to generation,of course it do,the kids grow up thinking that's normal.The world is a very different place to the one our parents grew up in.Not always better.Perhaps greed has a lot to do with it,they want it all and they want it now.Well you know what,"you can't fuc---g have it all.The ones next door to me(nice people) but I can't keep up with them,I don't have a clue who's who.The best things in life are free anyway,sit back and take stock(as they say) there's a lot of good out there,and you don't have to go very far to find it.Count your blessings,there's always some one worse off than you.

I meant to add: years ago one of my teachers told me that relationships are one of the greatest challenges in life. When I understood that, and ever since, I just find the ones in my life, interesting.

What happens too with forums like GN and other social media is that things are discussed ad infinitum.

I mean, most of the family stuff that went on in my life when I was younger, no one outside of my immediate friendship circle knew about. So disappointments, resentments, heartache etcetera weren't raked over, and so seemed to "blow over" quicker.

Bluebelle123 I totally agree with you. We are stuck with our families through accident of birth, and although we may share same genes there's nothing to say we will/should all get along. What do they say "you can choose your friends...." I think expectations are unrealistic and also agree with Anya that life is different these days and family dynamics are changing. If you all love one another great, but if not don't fret.

Oops pressed post before preview
SOS 'to me'
Not sure why grandmother came out twice!

Alea I have just your thread with interest.
I have had an exhausting day looking after my tiny GC.
My daughter has flu she sent an SOS tome on her MOBILE
I went to look after my GC in my CAR.
I did a couple of washes in her WASHING MACHINE
Its was a wet day so I TUMBLE DRIED the Washing that was AFFORDABLED CLOTHES

Chucked a mountain of TOYS in to playpen.
Quick Vacuum with DYSON rechargeable on the affordable CARPET.

Then Two DISPOSABLE NAPPY Changes not forgetting to wipe bums with wet ones

In to the car and strapped into CAR SEATS off to SUPERMARKET.

LUNCH in the cafe then off to buy supermarkets own brand flu MEDICINE.

Back to DD house. Only bit of bad cold so don't need to use our free NHS
Just made quick meal in MICROWAVE for DD.

I'm now back home. Feet up and on GN

Where as my Grandmother ???
Where as my Grandmother

What I like about Gransnet is the possibility to discuss/vent about anything (well almost), whether it be an unhappy or happy situation. Some of us either don't have the opportunity to discuss situations or would prefer to open them up on Gransnet to others who could be/have been in a similar situation - or just to be objective. Sharing in this way has been helpful to me and has certainly put matters into perspective which otherwise might have got out of hand.
Yes, it's lovely to hear about happy family matters but thank goodness support is provided to those who need it, providing strength and balance.

We all have hopes and expectations,some will be met and others will not.It is just part of belonging to a family unit.

We all have the 'blended family' thing going on now, hard enough to get on with one set of rellies without all comers as we have to now.

It is a phenomenon we did not really expect.

The wisdom of elders is just seen as interfering unless we are picking up the bill for some disaster we were reticent to warn them of, that is what you get when a youth led culture is encouraged.

I am often counting my blessings , happily married with 3 healthy and successful children, all married to lovely people and 6 wonderful grandchildren who all keep in touch with us and each other. Yes there are niggles- i would like to see more of some of them, some are annoying or difficult on various ways, but its all trivial. I don't like to go on about it on Gnet as I could appear smug or showing off! But yes Im extremely lucky!

Absolutely Lizzy - stop being a - professional old person!!!!