Daughter-in-law jealous of granddaughter

Maybe you've tried too hard, Abigail. Some people just don't want a close relationship with ILs and that's that. I don't get it but some people are like that.

Even though you have photos of all family around the house, DIL may still think you have "too many" of GD. And, I can't know, of course, maybe it does look like "a shrine" to GD? But you know what? As PPs have said, that's you're right. DIL doesn't get to dictate what photos go up in your home, anymore than you could decide what ones go up in hers.

Still, you could put some in albums, as suggested earlier, if that would help. But thinking this over, I realize that might just make DIL feel she has some clout in YOUR home. On the other hand, if you feel she's really hurting under the "no kids" decision, it might be a kindness you'd be happy to do. Up to you, naturally.

Other options would be to see them only in their home (if they invite you) or arrange to meet in a neutral setting.

Then again, now that you've given us a little more history, this all may just be an excuse to stay away since she's not that into you, anyhow. If they choose to join everyone for Christmas, fine. If not, oh well, maybe better for all. Again, you can always see DS and DIL on an alternate day (if they are willing), perhaps meeting up at a restaurant (neutral setting, with no photos of GD, etc.).

Your daughter in law made a mistake by marrying your son.She ought to have chosen a man who was accepting of the idea of children.
It seems that she is not jealous of your grand daughter as such,but rather that your grand daughter reminds her that she has no children of her own.

Thanks everyone. Photos of all family on display so not that. Can have children so not that either, afraid if is my son's decision and she says she accepted it but I really don't think she has. I have tried and tried but she told me many years ago that I'd never be close to her and not to try. It's all too hard! I'm over it

There may be a small possibility that your DIL can't have children or is having difficulty conceiving and is hurting inside and this is her way of showing it. Things are not always clear cut.

Does your family come over from Australia every Christmas?
Lucky you! No wonder you make your DGD the centre of attention at Christmas, I find that they are so fascinating at that age. Perhaps you could have a special day with your DS and DIL too at another time.

I don't think you should take down your photos just because your DIL objects to them but you could put some photos of your DS and DIL around - perhaps make a collage of their wedding photos and some nice holiday photos of them too.

It does sound as if she may have changed her mind about children and perhaps your son has not; a difficult situation, however I have known people who were adamant they never wanted a family, have changed their minds or been persuaded by their partner and have become doting parents.

Can't help thinking that your DIL is being a bit 'precious ' about this. What pictures you display in your own home should be entirely your choice. (If you fancy a naked picture of Benedict Cumberbatch or Johnny Depp, that's fine too lol) As for the Christmas thing, well isn't that what it's all about.....children and family? If they don't want to be a part of that, it's surely their loss so don't change the Christmas you want, and let them do what they want with theirs.

Maybe, in as matter of fact a way as possible, Abigailanne you could reassure your son and daughter-in-law that you fully respect their decision not to have children. At the same time, they can't expect you not to love your granddaughter as much as you would love their children, if they had any. It can be really difficult for some people, having made a decision like theirs and loudly trumpeted it, to change their minds (sorry guys, but especially men) because they feel they'll look foolish, but surely it's better to feel as if you look foolish, briefly, than to look back with regret when it's too late.

I don't understand what makes you think your DIL is jealous of your GD? It's more like she is hurt, or as Farnworth suggests under valued, for herself and your son because you show more attention to your grandchild than them. They don't have children, their choice? Or are they hiding the fact that one of them is infertile? Being childless does not mean they miss having children. If that's the case, DIL may feel you are overtly emphasising their lack of children, as though they are failing in some way. I'd have a look at making sure there is a balance in the family photos.

Maybe try putting yourself in her shoes - how would you feel if you visited your DD and she had loads of pictures of your Son in law's family around the place and there were few / no pictures of you or your family? If the conversation focused on members of the in laws family ? If you visited her at Christmas and there was a pile of presents and games for a member of his family but no attention paid to you or yours? You might feel a bit left out and not be inclined to visit as often.

It may be worse than feeling bored. They may be feeling they are un-valued as they have not provided DGCs.
I am sure that is not the case but it's important for them to know it's not the case, from your attitude and actions.

Until people have children they often don't get the child adoration thing and it is all a bit boring to them like guys going on about football and cars.

But I find it hurtful they don't want to come at Christmas to see all the family however bored they feel they might be. If the lack of children is such a big problem to DiL maybe your son needs to reconsider and that is a problem they need to deal with. If that is not the problem then they are not considering your feelings.

Abigailanne I really don't feel you are doing anything wrong and it does sound as if your DiL is regretting being childless and taking it out on you. We had a hiccup in our family when my daughter miscarried just before my son's second son was born and she couldn't bear to go and visit them for quite a while. I have a daughter too who lives in Australia. She didn't exactly 'swan off', rather she fell head over heels for an Australian and he stole her away. but they are very happy which makes it bearable and I have three little GDs there. My daughter here now has a son and they live with me while my other two GSs I see most weeks. I have two portraits of the one I see and hug all the time and a few each of the other two who visit all the time. I also had great fun putting together a big composite frame of pictures of all six GCs and my sister's GS on different occasions when cousins could get together. But as for the Australian lot, the children's portraits take pride of place in the living room, big ones in my bedroom too, and a wedding photo and a big family photo they sent me. It never occurred to me that my other GD and my GS wouldn't understand that photos are instead of hugs and kisses and take the physical place of my absent child and her family.
After reading all the comments I think I had better check with DS and DD that no-one feels less treasured.

It does sound to me, as others have suggested, that your DiL would really like children of her own and so finds all this attention on the graddaughter upsetting even if ahe doesnt acknowledge this herself. My son and his wife were married for 14 years before they had children, and she had had mis carriages although not much was said - she's a very private person. When they visited us at the same time as our other son Who had 2 children we were all making a fuss of, they didn't say much but never stayed long. Now they have their own children the situation is quite different - they take Any opportunity to see my other sons family as they want their children to get to know their cousins. They are now relaxed and happy together although comments are made in a jokey way if they think we've got more pictures of one family on display than the others so I try to keep it fair!

Thank you Wendysue, I have always said that I have the best MIL in the world - she lives 2000 miles away! Jokes aside, daughter only sees them about once a year and adores them - but I doubt she has really noticed anything, at least not yet. At eight, i don't think you notice such things.
OTOH, her other granny is the doting hands on variety. She has her after school once a week, plays with her and attends anything she is involved in. She is strict (follows our lead in parenting, but then I suspect I parent much as she did with me) but a fun granny, willing to do jigsaws and bake, so my child really doesn't miss out.

Lisalou, so sorry to hear about your IL's favoritism. I know it must hurt DH, but hope your child hasn't noticed it. I would keep her away from these GPs as much as possible. You may not be angry but she may feel it deeply as she gets older. No need to expose her to that. Good thing you live at a distance!

Interesting post and I found other people's comments very useful and insightful. Like Farnorth I have grandchildren from my son but daughter doesn't want any. Son and daughter don't get on too well and daughter dislikes daughter in law and I realise resents the amount of time I give to my son and the grandchildren. She lives away and is coming up this weekend and on the advice of posters here I have filled the house with photos of her as well as the pictures of the grandchildren.
I think one problem I have is that I so much want to play happy families and for her to be an adoring auntie especially given certain sad things that have happened in our family. Still, we have to play with the cards we've been dealt I guess and I'll try hard to keep the peace and show her how much I love her.

Thanks for the compliment, thatabags!

I don't mind "gushy" GPs all that much, but I know some people do and Abigail's DS and DIL may be among them.

But, Abigail, I also know you and DH have "lots of photos" of GD around cuz it's the "next best thing" to actually seeing her in person. But have you and DD talked about possibly skyping or having FaceTime on the phone, perhaps on a regular basis? Then you would actually get to see AND talk to both DD and GD more often, and you might not feel the need for so many pics.

Also, IMO, it might be wise to take Elegran's suggestion and put some of the photos in an album or two? Then you and DH would have them and, obviously, be able to look at them any time, but DS and DIL wouldn't see so many photos of GD around when they came over.

I know I said no one has a say in anyone else' decor, and I certainly don't have any in yours! Just trying to offer some ideas that might help improve the situation.

It is funny, but in my case, the scenario is reversed. I am the DIL and we live abroad, with our daughter. MIL has a long sideboard in her house with family photographs. There is not one of my husband, her youngest son or of her granddaughter. At one stage, I had a frame made up with a picture of her son and granddaughter as a Christmas present and that sat there for a while, but that was eight years ago. Now their GD is eight and they have no photos of either their son or granddaughter, but plenty of the others. I am not jealous - they don't like me much, for a bunch of reasons, and although it saddens me, I can live with that. But it does sadden me that they have favourites as to which children, grandchildren they favour. I wouldn't call it jealousy - I am not jealous of their family, I have had very little contact with any of them, really. But I do think it is sad.
I think some posters may be right that your DIL bio clock is ticking and that may be the key to the problem

L

Abigailanne, have all the problems over the last 3 years seemed to relate to your DiL's attitude to your DGD?
In what way does Xmas 'centre around' your DGD?

My DS has a 2 yr old child, my DD has none and wants none. My DD has no animosity towards her niece and wishes her well, as a person, but can only cope with very little of her company and very little chat about her, from me.
That is fine by me and we talk about the same sort of topics we always have.

Try to show your DS and DDiL that you enjoy their company and are interested in them, avoiding mention of your DGD when you are with them.

Can I add in that although jealous is the word used here, and used a lot generally. If I were to be pedantic (wrong thread, but . . .) you are jealous of something you have but could lose if it were taken away (a husband, a reputation) and envious of something you don't have but wish you did (someone else's gorgeous husband, pots of money, wavy hair, the child that someone else has but you don't)

Perhaps her instincts are coming into play and the person she really envies is your daughter, who has a lovely daughter of her own.

Wendysue is right. She could feel like second-best if your house is full of pictures of your grandchild - and none of her and your son. I am sure you don't regard your local family as second-best, but actions are more obvious than thoughts. Maybe you could balance up the apparent bias toward your Australian family with more photos of your local one, and put half of the baby pictures into an album to take out and look at. You could try praise things about her that she is or does better than your son and his wife, too. There are other virtues besides producing the perfect granchild.

To some extent, I have had this problem with my son. We only have one grandchild born when we had given up expecting any, so obviously joy at his arrival was unconfined. My son had no children of his own because his first wife had not wanted children, though I've always suspected he would have liked some. He was at the time of which we speak in a relationship with my now d-i-l, who had two boys from her first marriage. When my grandson was born, DS was, on the face of it, pleased, but didn't go out of his way to be here when baby was around, and got quite grumpy about the way we threw ourselves into being hands on GPs. "You spend too much of your time with him". "DD has you on a string" etc. We took an interest in his boys right from the start, and have always liked and had a good relationship with them. They thought the baby was "cool". Once I recognised what was going on - that our relationship with our new grandson was fostering insecurities in our son (insecurities born of him having lost his first wife and not being entirely secure in his new relationship, the seeing us as having a new focus of attention), we did what we could to change the dynamic. Our grandson is now nine, and they get on well though they don't see each other that often, which may help! So I would agree with those who say, throttle back a bit and redirect the focus of your attention towards your son and d-i-l whenever you can. It's not jealousy, it's insecurity and they aren't the same thing.

Jealousy is a natural and normal emotion. Maybe think about what is causing it.

Odd choice of word 'jealous' ? Jealousy implies she feels less important to someone and that can only be you. She's looking for you to pay more attention to her and your son. That's very understandable.

So your daughter swanned off to Australia but your son stayed and married.

I'd think more about the family you have around you and try to build some boats. You need to put them first most of the time and listen to what they are trying to tell you.