Daughter-in-law jealous of granddaughter

Update on quantity of photos and Christmas?

Could be, FarNorth. Bad idea to use the GD as the reason (or rather the OP's interest in her GD) though. Very bad idea. So much better, IMO, to just say, "We're doing Xmas by ourselves this year" and let the chips fall where they may.

Maybe DiL would just like to spend Xmas with her husband and no-one else, but feels she has to give some sort of reason, rather than saying that straight out.

Trisher and madame, I don't know... maybe OP basically dislikes DIL, and DIL senses it, so DIL behaves badly, so OP dislikes her more and so on. Or maybe DIL has been behaving badly, so OP dislikes her, and DIL senses it and so behaves even worse and so forth. Or maybe they both took a dislike to each other from the beginning and... No matter, IMO, they both may need a break from each other for a while. Again,DS' and DIL's decision to skip Christmas with her ILs may be best for all.

TBF, the OP didn't say that DIL complained about the "number" of GD's photos - that was my interpretation of the "shrine" comment. I've heard of someone accusing another of having a shrine to someone else in their home, but only when the other person had a lot of pics of that someone else and/or a lot of other items related to that someone else. But my apologies, Abigail, if I misinterpreted.

I agree with trisher that everyone is rushing in to condemn a woman we don't know on the basis of what we have been told by someone who clearly doesn't like her.

Why does everyone assume the DIL is pining for children of her own? The OP says her son made it clear before marriage that he didn't want children, but presumably the DIL felt the same way or wouldn't have married him. Surely we don't still believe that deep down all women want children?

I tend to behave badly when I know someone dislikes me. It's not very grown up and I try to resist the temptation, but there is nothing to lose and the look of horror when I say something outrageous is quite rewarding! If that is what the DIL is doing, it's behaviour that I totally understand.

Wendysue DIL didn't say she had too many photos just that it was "like a shrine" which OP took to mean she had too many and from that concluded DIL was jealous of GD (???). SIL of course wouldn't have been expected to say anything. OP says she is "over it" when obviously she isn't so I asked what is this thread about? Basically it is an opportunity to slag off someone who has no means of repudiating the allegations or of putting her side of the story. I'm merely trying to redress the balance. All stories have sub-texts and the sub text here reveals that the OP actively dislikes her DIL and,as I pointed out, when people know they are disliked they sometimes behave as badly as possible, in order to show they really don't want to be liked.

In a nutshell Wendysue

The biggest problem is that we assume everyone has the same motives and thought processes as we do ourselves and sadly that just isn't so.
Yes, and it is quite a shock if you discover that.

Quite so Wendysue and it is a fact that if you have never come across this type of behaviour it is hard to imagine it could happen.
I am so torn between being very thankful that not everybody has come across these issues and so their families and friendship groups are blessed and peaceful and on the other hand shouting to everyone to be very observant and careful not to let these things creep in.
The biggest problem is that we assume everyone has the same motives and thought processes as we do ourselves and sadly that just isn't so.

"Lets put it like this if your DIL was in fact an SIL would you still expect them to be fascinated by your GDs photos?"

Trisher, where did the OP say she expected DIL "to be fascinated by (her) GD's photos?" She just said DIL complained about the number of them. I wonder, if DIL were an SIL would she have done that?

"... what is this thread all about?"

Trisher, look again. DIL is now refusing to come for Christmas cuz of GD and it looks like DS won't be there either. No great harm, but where does it go from there? DIL seems to be trying to control what photos the OP displays in her home, how much fuss she makes over her long distance GD and may drive a wedge between herself/DS and the OP. And the OP would like to know how to handle it so that none of that occurs. THAT, I think is what this thread is all about.

Do some research on control by family members and see if anything rings warning bells. I may well be wrong but somehow I doubt it. The problem is that most people are too nice to see this kind of behaviour for what it is until it has got past the point of no return and it is well nigh impossible to come back from the situation that has resulted
So true Synonymous.
Sometimes it can take years for other family members who have not encountered this type of behaviour to realise that an in-law is totally self-centred, jealous-natured and resents any attention being taken away from themselves.
At its worse it could be a narcissistic personality disorder.

However, I wonder if she is still wishing for children and hiding this behind a mask of indifference, even dislike.

Go lightly and do not absorb her bad vibes.

A voice in the wilderness trisher!

Abigailanne have sent you a pm.

Lets put it like this if your DIL was in fact an SIL would you still expect them to be fascinated by your GDs photos? Or would you find it acceptable and allow them to talk about footie or the garden or their job? Maybe your DIL realises how antagonistic you are towards her "give you an insight to what I'm up against" and has decided she might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. Maybe as well she has a rather wicked sense of humour and enjoys winding you up (hence the grannies). My brother always asked his MIL things like "Where did you park your broomstick?" but she was a feisty lady quick to answer back and they were very close. But anyone hearing some of the things they said to each other might have thought they were sworn enemies. Finally if she has told you you'll never be close and you aren't bothered what is this thread all about?

Elegran's suggestion is helpful if it ever naturally comes up again but I wouldn't reopen that issue yourself.

Abigailanne if your son ever actually says that it is his fault just lightly reassure him that it really isn't and that you are there for him whatever. Don't ever criticise his wife or his choice and what has resulted. Lightly does it.
Working out how to tackle issues as they come up takes practise but will get easier and you will never get it right every time so just don't hit yourself with anything - life is too short!
Is your husband aware of the situation and ramifications? If so you might feel it worthwhile to show him this thread as it is important to be singing from the same sheet.

As well as synonymlous's "you understand what she is saying but actually, no, it doesn't apply here. DGD is very much delightfully alive and is much loved and since you don't see her often enough you all love to see her photos around" you could add "You must give me some more photos of yourself and DS so that I can have them around the house too"

Kills two birds with one stone - tells her that you are not going to be put on the defensive about the photos, and that you are happy to include her and DS in your photo display - you are not being selective.

Thanks again everyone, we are all entitled to our opinion but when you are the one suffering at the hands of it, it is not nice. Synonymous, I can tell you've had similar problems. I try to keep lines of communication for my son's sake but I'm sure he sees it as all his fault and therefore stands by all she says even to the cost of his family relationships. I realise she is his main priority and am glad he sees that, just hard x

Oh dear Abigailanne it certainly sounds as if DIL is making sure that she is in control of absolutely everything around her. She ensured your son knew before she married him that there would be no children and made sure that he passed the message on to you. Her relationships with her own family are very telling too in that she doesn't want her grandmothers taking attention from her.

It is worth remembering that people do what they do because of their own issues and her behaviour is telling you all about her and it is absolutely not about you. You need to work on your responses and take a step back. Sadly from the snippets you have told us she is not coming over as a well balanced woman at all.
So far she has her own family well under control, your son would seem to be the same and now she is moving on to you, her PILs. You mustn't let her control you by allowing her to push your buttons and you need to keep her guessing. You must think carefully about everything she says and does and don't let her drive a wedge between any of you. You need to be in protective mode but keep that very much under the radar. When she says something that you find hurtful ask yourself why, what is she trying to achieve and how do I defuse this? For example when she says things like she did about all the photos of your DGD being like a shrine it could be a good way of defusing the situation, and to make light of it, by pausing to consider what she says and then saying in a considering sort of way that you understand what she is saying but actually, no, it doesn't apply here. DGD is very much delightfully alive and is much loved and since you don't see her often enough you all love to see her photos around.
Sticking with the photos theme it appears that when she criticized the number of photos she was actually putting you on the defensive and making you feel inadequate and questioning yourself on what you are doing. People do that kind of thing to you to control you and when you react defensively you are handing over control to them. Another way of defusing this may be to ask how many photos of their own nearest and dearest they have in their own home and then whatever they say you can just smile and say how fortunate it is that none of us are the same and reiterate that you are very happy with the way you have your things in your own home. Just keep it light and friendly and even jockey but firm. Whilst you could just say "Nonsense" very firmly and change the subject you need to think carefully about what that could lead to.
Whilst you need to be compassionate you need to be detached about this relationship with your DIL, be caring without 'owning'. any of her issues and problems because that way you keep your own emotions out of it and you keep your own values and your own decisions about your own life. You have to step back and let your DS sort out their problems if he can. Keep all lines of .communication open and no confrontations at all as she will remove your son from your orbit if it makes her more comfortable.

Do some research on control by family members and see if anything rings warning bells. I may well be wrong but somehow I doubt it. The problem is that most people are too nice to see this kind of behaviour for what it is until it has got past the point of no return and it is well nigh impossible to come back from the situation that has resulted. Been there and got the t-shirt.

Please forgive the looong post!

Isn't it funny that we still expect women to be welcoming and family orientated and not to express any opinion that contravenes this. Your DIL obviously doesn't really enjoy family get togethers and is honest enough to say this, but she is condemned as being "spoilt" and "controlling". Men do it all the time, skulking off somewhere if they are made to attend and grumbling about relatives.You could try talking to her about other things and not mentioning your GD. In expecting women to be thrilled and fascinated by children we are just perpetuating stereotypes.

Well, obviously, DS finds something lovable in her. But I feel sorry for her parents. She's running their home and she doesn't even live there at this point (unless she and DS moved in with her parents)! Now it seems as if she's trying to do the same with your home.

Perhaps you're better off if she and DS don't come for Christmas. I know you'll miss DS, but you may be dodging a bullet here.

I never used to think she was spoilt, I now realise she maybe wasn't materially spoilt but has been allowed to rule the roost since being a very small child. I could not believe it when she uttered that statement the other day. Too late for action now I fear.

What an unpleasant woman to ban her grannies from Christmas celebrations. If I were you, I wouldn't care how she felt about your GD. Would you want this sort of person as a friend if she wasn't your DiL? A 40-year-old spoilt brat and control freak!

She is a 40 year old woman and has banned her 2 Grannies from being at her parents' house (they are 90 & 96) at Christmas because they ruin it for her.

So is Christmas just for her?
If I was her mother I would say that I was very sorry indeed if she decided not to join us and her grannies!
Sounds as if she has run rings around her parents and now is trying to do the same with you.

Wendysue, I think you are possibly right, maybe I try to hard and she doesn't really want that. She is a 40 year old woman and has banned her 2 Grannies from being at her parents' house (they are 90 & 96) at Christmas because they ruin it for her. Think I'm on a hiding to nothing! I don't want to be awful but just thought I'd give you an insight to what I'm up against!

Claire, you sound very wise. Hope that visit goes well!