unfaithful husband

I don't understand why you feel so betrayed, he's being unfaithful, you think he is a meal ticket, you deserve each other! Women have walked out of marriages with young children and nothing but the clothes on their back. You at least would have a pension.

vampirequeen, good post

vampirequeen very good post.

Vampirequeen, what a sensible post.

Tit for tat isn't the answer. Nor is leaving him. Wonder what stories he's telling her about how his wife doesn't understand him or that he'll leave you for her etc. To me physical infidelity isn't necessarily more than just a "grass is always greener" feeling. Certainly insist that if he is going to be socially active, you equally need "me time", seeing friends, taking up new interests etc. And I agree that in this day and age you need some financial independence, even if it's just a basic bank account in your name with the agreement that he pays in a nominal sum, say £25 weekly, from your joint pension (if you don't have money of your own, he will doubtless be getting extra money for your needs, so this is only fair). My pension goes into my own account and I transfer weekly a nominal sum into our joint account from which all household expenses are paid. DS pays a weekly sum in cash for his keep, which is DH's own money - no questions asked. Good luck

If the affair has been going on for a couple of years it's unlikely that he's even thought about leaving you. When I was on a dating site I got to know a few men who loved their wives but had needs. I never got into relationships with them because I wasn't looking to be a mistress. However I also knew a few women who were also married and loved their husbands but needed that 'little bit extra' as one put it.

Apart from the sense of betrayal, how do you feel about your husband and your marriage? Do you still love him? Does he make you feel loved? There is more to marriage that sex and fidelity. Marriage is an emotional relationship too. He obviously still has sexual needs. Perhaps he's found an outlet because he doesn't want to make you feel pressured to do something you can't/don't want to do.

Sex with the other woman doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love and respect you.

If your marriage is OK apart from this then why ruin it by taking revenge for his infidelity?

You say you don't share a bed with him. Perhaps he just misses that closeness. If when married, one person is not interested in sex or sharing the marital bed, must the other person just have to put up with it. Since being widowed, years ago, I have never had that closeness again, I live with it because he was my sole mate and I wouldn't want anyone else.

Gosh I seem to be reading this a totally different way to everyone else You say you haven't shared a bed with him for years .... there is so much more than sex to sharing a bed, surely the cuddles, going to sleep in each other's arms, the warmth, the nighttime chats , the closeness, perhaps he's looking for what you don't seem to want in the relationship, not necessary sex for the sake of it . You don't once mention the word love just that you are financially dependant on him and don't want to rock the boat to spoil your being looked after You say he is still kind and caring towards you and obviously keeps you in the way you want so why are you upset, you obviously don't want a sexual relationship so why be upset that he does and has obviously found the love he's missing, I presume it's the deceit that has hurt you, would it have been better if he'd asked? What would you answer have been ? this is coming from a woman who has been cheated on in marriage and would normally be coming down like a ton of bricks on a straying man

I agree with others on here. I would get myself a secret account and squirrel funds away. Try and get him to sign the house over to you and make sure he has a will in your favour because he's 80 years old and if he's having sex twice a week he won't last much longer. In the meantime do what Wot said and get Exlax for his cocoa.Try to remain calm and not get stressed, remember revenge is a dish best served cold. Good luck and please let us know what happens.

I haven't read all this thread but there have been some quite aggressive reactions. It seems to me that in many ways this man sounds as if he is a good deal more considerate and thoughtful to his wife than many of the husbands we hear about on here.

The poster has said that she and her husband have not had a sexual relationship for some time. Of course, she is quite entitled to not want this but obviously her husband feels differently. Would it really be any more considerate for him to have revealed that he was in a sexual relationship and she could either like it or lump it?

If you were happy before you found out, and have companionship and friendship, and you say he is good to you, is there any chance you can come to terms with it? Is he not telling you because he does not want to hurt you, but is one of those men who needs a physical outlet? If so and there is still affection between you, and you enjoy being together, can you settle for that, leave things as they are, treat yourself to a few things you want without feeling guilty and go out on your own with friends sometimes (if you don't already). But if, very understandably, you can't help feeling resentful and hurt, and this knowledge has destroyed the feelings you had for him, then just have it out with him and be prepared to live without him. Only you know how you feel, but don't act in haste, give it a few months and you may feel differently. Once you tell him it may be out of your hands. Perhaps the secrecy adds a bit of spice or perhaps it is a constant worry for him that you will find out and he will lose you. The other woman might just want sex without having a man around full time, or she might secretly hope you will find out and leave him, and then she can have him full time. Once it is out in the open, nothing will ever be the same again. Many women have lived with the knowledge of their husband's infidelity, and been quite happy, but you don't have too. It is a trade off for what he gives you, only you know what you want out of the rest of your life.

Agreed wot- but then it's best to leave if respect has gone imho.

IF you can cope with the hurt he is causing, stay with him and give him what he deserves........ stay and be a kept woman and enjoy the proceeds, when he is tired of her then YOU will have your day. I feel for you so much especially if you love him, what it is with some men, never satisfied with their lot, maybe as previously mentioned she is after his pennies, DON'T give her the opportunity, play along with him, what a B"@:* he is. Hopefully you will "come out on top" eventually.

Good Luck my dear, keep your "pecker" up
Us women are with you xxxx

It's such a painful thing to know, J8. It happened to me with my ex, but I was young at the time, so more resilient. Even more painful when we get older. In my case I think it was mainly due to his having a high sex drive, plus being bipolar, when mine was fairly low. But we're all different.
I agree with those who say that at 80 he's unusual if he still needs sex regularly.
But I don't know what advice to give, except that if it was me, God forbid, I would want to speak to him about it.
This has made me think again about how important kisses and cuddles are.

Yes, sex is an important part of a marriage/long term partnership but if its the most important part, I suspect the relationship is built on sand. There is much more to a successful partnership than sex. I'm with wot who expresses strong feelings about the implicit expectation in so many posts here that the OP is somehow responsible for her husband's infidelity.
There are many reasons why men or women are no longer able to enjoy or even participate in a sexual relationship, that may have been extremely happy and satisfying earlier in their relationship. The absence of the act isn't a sanction for infidelity and deceit.

My mum and dad always stressed the importance of respect between couples. There's no worse feeling that one has to have relations with a partner that isn't , for one reason or another, respectful.

wot I feel you are really distorting what I said. And I don't think there has been any of the elements you mention cited here (being dirty, etc). Sex is a strong part in a marriage, for BOTH parties- without either 'being expected to service' - what a horrible expression.

But without knowing how and why the sexual element disapperared- it's difficult to discuss.

Personally I'd rather live without less money and in more modest circumstances, than in a relationship where respect has gone. Probably just me- fair enough.

Happened to me: I started divorce proceedings which frightened the arse off him because he didn't want to part with his assets. I decided to stick with him because I didn't want to suffer a lower standard of living, but on the understanding he gave up his mistress. He did, but our relationship ( we've been married over 50 years) is badly flawed. I forced him to buy a place for me in the SW and he had a new house built in our old back garden. We visit one another and spend Christmas with the whole family. He gives me a generous allowance. The hurt and pain of his deceit is a constant thought at the back of my mind, even after many years, as we were both professing Christians. I lost respect for him and we have a stilted relationship. My women friends are my saviours. I go on lots of holidays with them as he is a grumpy old git who doesn't know how to either enjoy the freedom of retirement or to please others. He's what my mother would have called " A small parcel". I hope I don't sound smug: I get terrible pangs of envy when I see loving old couples - but since marriage is a mystery, what do I know? 2J8DATLAS look after yourself; be selfish and know you are superior to the deluded old man you married.

2J - how sad for you, but even sadder if you don't make plans now. you must 'follow the money' as the saying goes, or you will have yet another bitter pill to swallow.Poverty is horrible so avoid it at all costs.

Unfortunately some posts here are a bit wrong - you won't automatically get 50% of his estate. That's a bit of a mix up with the rules for avoiding capital gains tax. He can will his money to a cats' home if he wants to. Then fighting it will drain the pot dry.

I wouldn't go to a solicitor yet - you certainly won't have much money left after that legal lot have done you over and there is no legal aid now. There are many excellent books in proper bookshops (like Waterstones) which will explain the laws of inheritance and your rights.

However, keep stashing the cash and keep it secret.

The other important thing is not to see yourself as a victim. Victimhood will drain the life out of you. Do things and meet people who make you happy. We only come here once and we shouldn't waste the time we have. I wish you all the best, especially the strength to take the high ground. x

Would agree with the others, tuck away a secret fund just in case he I'd decide to leave you or you decide to leave him. Psychologically, you have the upper hand if he does not know that you know so you could have fun getting your revenge as well. Get him to spoil you, bring you flowers, be nice to him one day, ignore him the next, use the food suggestions, the possibilities are endless and only you will know what's going on and why. Good luck and stay strong xx

Sorry, but I feel disgusted. Is it a wife's duty to have sex with a husband that might be physically very dirty, or treats the wife badly?? Have you considered that the wife "is going without" too? Surely feeding, cleaning, etc etc is hard work enough without having to service someone who doesn't behave in a civilized manner?

2J8DATLAS I feel for you as I was in the same position myself, I found out very early on in the affair and left it for 13 months before I confronted both of them, He ended the affair and after some counselling we are happier then ever it took time though, what ever you do don't get stressed that won't help you need to be strong and think it through and talk to someone about it, get some advice and do what ever suits you, we are all different, maybe calmly ask him about it, I did lots of investigating to see how the land laid and if he wanted to leave me or not, trust me it's not going to be easy what ever you choose to do, just remember he is the cheat not you, do it for you and go spend some money and enjoy yourself, hope you get sorted and it works out well for you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this- but I do agree with others that if you have 'withdrawn' sexual contact with your DH- then what is he supposed to do? Would you prefer if he paid for it? Have you discussed his feelings about the matter and what you would agree as acceptable. If he still has sexual desire (and at 80 I can't help but think 'bravo') it's unfair to just expect him to live with the frustration. Maybe for him the lack of physical contact makes hime feel unloved?

I know many say stay with him as he gives you a nice home and financial security, but personally I couldn't.

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

The anger will get better though.

I feel it would be better to tell him you are aware and try to talk about what's going on.

If sexually you do not mind then maybe you can come to some agreement about what sexual fidelity means to you.

If this affair is just about the physical and your husband has no real affection for this lady and you don't mind once its out in the open maybe your marriage could work for you both.

He obviously needs you emotionally and if sex is no longer on your agenda it does not mean its not on his.

Some years ago I did a large research project into sexuality and the elderly....their are people whose lives are highly enhanced and more healthy from continuing into sexual relationships into their 90's !

It is a natural part of being human and a need that differs from person to person.

I feel the break in trust that you are experiencing and the betrayal is very painful. You do have a choice...you can stay or divorce.

Some Men can sometimes need sex to feel loved by the women they are with, where as women need to feel loved and cherished in order to feel like having sex. Maybe you could think and discuss about these issues before you make any final decision.

Couple counseling may be a good start to recover your selves from this betrayal and you may feel stronger and happier as a couple again from using couples counseling.

Just a different perspective .. It seems you have a pretty good relationship apart from his playing away . If you don`t want a physical relationship and he has found an `outlet` then why rock the boat . You have financial security, you say he is kind and treats you well , it sounds like a good trade off to me. I would do nothing to let him know you know , do what others have said and squirrel a bit of money away just in case . If you want a bit more emotional closeness he may be open to that , but I would just get on with your life and enjoy what you have .