Loving can hurt

I couldn't stop the tears reading these sad stories. I know exactly how it feels to want to take away their pain and you can't. I hope for peace and a little sunshine for for the mothers who have posted these stories , I can empathise with so many of them. Hope life will get a little kinder for all the lovely mothers (and me!)

I am so sorry to hear of all these heart wrenching, rear life stories. I have one or two myself - they haunt me every day. Seeing my son trying to piece his life together after a life altering set of lies set him of a course whereby he's lost everything, including his 6 year old twins. I know that it is impossible for me to heal his wounds and also impossible under the current circumstances that I will see the children any time soon. We've been living with it for over 4 years now. My pain is seeing his absolute devastation without any redress available to him at all. My sincere good wishes go to all of your gransnetters.

Oh gosh, that awful realisation for both myself and I think my DD when we both finally realised that Mum could no longer make every thing ok! She was going through endless rounds of IVF on the other side of the world - just awful to hear the pain and despair over the phone line. My DH used to dread it too as I sobbed all over him with the effort of being emotionally strong for her. Happily 2gorgeous DGD's later that is finally behind us

Heart wrenching stories on here.
? For you all.

Thank you Hula-hoop. How true.?

Mine are 30 and 26 and I thought this would be the 'easy' bit .I wish ...
Someone once said to me that once you have a child your heart lives outside your body for the rest of your life
My eldest broke up from a three year rerelationship last year -mutual and for non negotiable reasons. She was ,and still is devastated ,not least for the 'what might have been 'She is reaching the age where her contemporaries are having babies. I think the night I held her, helpless ,while she sobbed for hours was the hardest of my life
But both mine say a 'magic kiss' and a virtual hug do help a bit

I almost think it's worse when they are adults. When they are young we have control in who they see and where they go, but when they are grown up we have no real say, and can only support when the going gets tough for them.

Morethan, I feel for you. Given all the advice, other people's experiences and information I received when I was expecting my first child, absolutely none of it prepared me for the intensity of love I felt for this tiny baby or for the realisation that this feeling would last for as long as I live. I expected to love my child, but the intensity hit me like a brick. And now, forty years on, it makes me cry when I see the same feeling in him as he rises to heights of patience and love for his autistic son which I would never have imagined him capable of.

I have been in tears reading all your wonderful posts. My children are 47 and 45 and are still my babies So that when they hurt I hurt twice as much. Both have children and my grandchildren mean the same to me too. My daughter calls me the lioness because I'd fight to the death for each one of them.

Thank you all for sharing, and thank you all for empathy without judgement. I know the pain and the joy. It's what mothers do, right? I have had my heart wrenched out of my body as I watched my child in ICU, so many tubes and monitors, so awesomely brave. I have said goodbye to the same child as she moved with her husband to New York City. I have watched another daughter, so proud but with my heart hammering in my chest as she waited to step onto the ice for her first solo competition, and then have the same anxiety as I watched her fall into the clutches of a drug too vicious to fight, and I have lost her to the same drug. ?

I am so thankful that my children come to me for support,however difficult I find it. My own mum had mental health problems and I was never able to 'burden'her with anything serious-my Dad actively discouraged it. I would never let my two know how much I worry about them, I hope that the resilience I have encouraged in them will see them through. This is such a relevant thread for loving parents,whatever age their offspring!

As a mother the pain of seeing your child's distress is almost unbearable. However, as a mother, you should never show that child how much you are hurting. I lost my daughter when she was thirty and pregnant with her first child. I could not turn to my own mum because she was so distressed that I felt she needed my help, which I was not fit to give, rather than able to support me. I know how much she loves and cares for us all, but both my sister and I avoid telling her about the bad times, because she cannot help but show us how much it distresses her.

I fully empathise with what you say, my wife has four sisters all divorced remarried and divorced again. My wife is the only girlfriend I have ever had or ever likely to have. We have been together 48 years and I thank god for her every day.She is the only one in her family who has not been divorced.
The children from the broken marriages of her sisters now adults, are far from happy people, suffering depression broken marriages low esteem and so on. I am sure it is due in a large part to their parents splitting up when the kids were small. I come from a family of ten six girls 4 boys none of us have divorced or split-up in anyway. One of my sisters has a lesbian girlfriend that she sees once a month however it does not seem to effect her and her husband. When our youngest son (we have 3 children 2 boys and 1 girl) was attacked by man in the street totally unprovoked. I was murderous about how anyone could hurt our son, he was aged 24 at that time. I found out where the other person lived and everyday for a year I had the attack on my mind. One year one to the day I saw the man in his garden, I went up to him and punched him in the nose like he had my son. He run into his house and the police were called. No charges were brought. I would not recommend doing what I did but I was glad I did it.

To all the people on here who deny any credit for the way their children/stepchildren/even themselves have turned out, please give yourselves a break! Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Particularly you kathcraigs!

I'll shut up now! ?

That's really helpful, lizzypopbottle - l'm going to have a look at it. Thank you x

We are also encouraged to treat ourselves with Lovingkindness. Give it a go, everyone. Sit in a peaceful place, close your eyes and say to yourself, May I be happy, May I be peaceful, May I be safe, May I be healthy. I recommend the FutureLearn mindfulness course unreservedly. It's excellent. It comes from Monash University in Melbourne. The two Aussie guys who present it are lovely and you can't help smiling and occasionally laughing as you go through, watching the videos and doing the mindfulness activities.

Thank you so much, bez1989 - l always thought l should never have children because l'd be a bad mother - l was so scared of history repeating itself. And l was terrified of childbirth. But the two girls l have in my life now are just a joy. Their dad isn't well just now and is in hospital, and l've been doing the school run and taking the eldest to and from her part time job. They're both lovely girls (no credit to me, admittedly!) but they're so grateful for everything. The eldest has been sending me texts saying "Thank you so much for being there, you've made my dad's life so much easier and god knows what we'd have done without you. xxx"
l'd never try to take their mum's place, but their mum and dad have been separated for a couple of years now, and l'd do it for any of my friends. lt's just what we do for people we love. l don't regret not having children of my own, but l think age and a bit of life experience has made me a much better 'step-parent' than l'd have been a mother when l was younger. l'm so lucky to have them in my life.

Thank you lizzypopbottle, as l got older it occurred to me that she was jealous of how close l was to my dad. To be fair, she had post natal depression when l was born, and my auntie looked after me til l was 6 months old, l don't think we ever bonded properly. Oh, and she told he she'd wanted a boy and didn't even have any girls names. My auntie chose my name.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, after being very ill five years ago, l gave up my job and moved 100 miles away to be near people l cared for and who cared for me. lt was the first time l've ever stood up to her and l don't think she could cope with me wanting a life of my own. She took her own life five months after l moved.

Sheilasue I'm so sorry to hear your story. I hope that sometimes you can rest from the tragedy of it and be happy. My mindfulness course has taught me to send 'Lovingkindness' so may you be happy and peaceful.

I can really relate to all that has been said. My daughter is in her fifties, lives in France and is now going through a divorce. Her three children are now at University in other towns so she is pretty much alone, dealing with this. I long to be there for her - even just to make her a cup of tea and comfort her and I have offered to go over but she has said it would be better to wait until she is either moving out of the house or has found her flat and is moving in. I should add that it was him who wanted the separation and it seems he has found someone else. She was the one who was a fluent French speaker and although she didn't want to go there in the first place she just had to knuckle down with twin girls of 2 months and a boy of 14 months (this was another heartache 20 years ago when they left England). All the house buying and dealing with solicitors was done by her and so now he is well established over there which he probably couldn't have managed on his own. Sorry to go on but she really didn't deserve this to happen to her. Thank goodness I am computer literate (although I am 81) and we can communicate quickly and easily by email otherwise it would be much more difficult.

That is....we are close.

Sorry, kathcraigs not cath...

kathcraigs. I empathise with your story and situation. I have no biological children but a step daughter who has been in my heart since I met her 30 years ago. We are clise and she does confide in me which I treasure. I also have a step son and his family are mine too. Two lovely step grand daughters who I can enjoy "spoiling" as I never had my own little ones to enjoy. I feel very blessed and fortunate.

cathcraigs what a horrible thing for a mother to say to an impressionable 15 year old, that children are nothing but a bother. Mine have never been a bother, even at my darkest moments of worry about them. I feel sorry for your mother. That she was capable of saying so many cruel things says that she was/is a very troubled person herself although that's no excuse for taking it out on you.

molly You can always talk to us.