Loving can hurt

As someone (including HMQE2) said, "Grief (hurt) is the price we pay for love."

Because of the ever present concern I feel for my children, (now aged 34, 32 and 28) sometimes absolutely crushing but often vague and undefined, I've occasionally been tempted to tell young people never to have children at all! Yes, at times I really have been tempted ? because the worry always occupies a small corner even when everything's going well and I tell myself I need to rest from it. I have never actually said it, thank goodness. What a rotten thing it would be from many perspectives ? because it would negate all the joy and fun I had bringing them up and the fierce pride I feel for them now. My lovely daughter has just embarked on this lifelong path with my beautiful grandson now 18 months old. But oh! the stress, especially lately. I have to remind myself that actually, I'm pretty happy most of the time ? and I'm doing the FutureLearn mindfulness course, which is amazingly enlightening.

Mollydolly. I feeĺ for your daughter and you and hope she can enjoy the rest of her life. I think these forums are so useful for situations like yours where you can express your feelings. I find writing them down helps to get everything into perspective so try not to feel guilty for expressing your feelings here. Best Wishes to you and your daughter.

molly
sheilasue very sad.

This is a totally alien concept to me. My mother never acknowledged that l was hurting or in pain. When l told her my ex & l were splitting up, the first thing she said was "ls this because you don't want a family?" then "what am l going to say to people?"
Then she took his side, saying "You aren't easy to live with...." (wonder where l got that from?) even when she knew there had been abuse, which, to his credit, he went and spoke to her about - she didn't believe me when l told her.
When my dad, who l was very close to, died, she behaved like the loss was entirely hers - never mind that l was in bits about it, and struggling with a dissolving marriage at the same time.
l chose not to have children because when l was 15, she told me not to have them, because "they're nothing but bother." l'm an only child. She fed me horror stories about childbirth which terrified me to death.
Yet strangely enough, l have 'step children' from past and current relationships who l have the most amazing relationships with. l adore them and we get on wonderfully well. They confide in me and we're there for each other.
The thing with loving someone is, that when you do, you feel their pain and their joy. The price we pay for loving people is that pain. But would any of us switch the love off to save ourselves the pain? l certainly wouldn't. lf you have that kind of relationship with your children, you're doing a brilliant job as a parent, and l applaud you.

Oh Molly hugs and

Thank you for this thread morethan - clearly, there are lots of us with the same issues.
For me this is what's good and great about Gransnet - honesty, compassion and support ❤️

Iknow how you are feeling more than2 even when our children have grown up they are still our babies as silly as it may seem and you wiped there tears and noses and washed their knees and hugged them. Now when they are older just to be there for them and listen is a great comfort I am sure. My son had a relationship with a what we thought was a lovely girl, she had one son from a previous relationship. He was a caring and loving lad but she turned out to have a mental health problem and my son life was hell on earth, she had a lovely little who is our grandaughter and my son was over the moon, but his partner was violent when she was ill, he would not leave the baby and I had to help him to cope with this. In the end my son was killed by her, he was 35. The pain and the sorrow never goes away but we have our lovely memories.

What a well constructed and deeply thought post which says everything about motherhood and the pain we would gladly bear for our children.

A wise friend reminded me last year, when youngest DD was going through the most dreadful time, that there is no end to parenting. Each of my three children have had problems and experienced emotional pain and it always hurts me terribly too, no matter what age they are.

Mollydolly That must be so hard for you.

My eldest daughter had anorexia at 18 and went down to an unbelievable 4.5 stone. I had to carry her to the toilet and each morning went in wondering if she would be still with us. A year in hospital got her back to an acceptable weight but then she was diagnosed with a form of bipolar. She is now late forties and has some very bad spells but hasn't tried to o.d. for over 12 months now and has been getting some therapy at last. I can't speak to anyone for feeling disloyal to her, but feel I've been to hell and back. She's a lovely caring intelligent girl but I feel so sad her life has been wasted. I only ever wanted her to be happy nothing else. Feel very very helpless . Sorry for the moan it's helped to just put it down. Thanks for listening.

I so agree with the last bit of your post greyduster.

But I think it's ok to try to protect children from emotional pain. Even if it's only talking guidance.

I was having a conversation with my DD just yesterday about her son, who is nine, and how upset she feels when he suffers undeserved slights and upsets, and how she wants to leap in and try and put things right for him. I said that he must endure these himself as they are part of forming his emotional maturity. I also said that it would not get any easier as he got older because she will always want to protect him from every horrid thing that life throws at him, just as I have done with her and her brother, and will continue to do to the end of my days. My son, particularly, has had some very hard emotional knocks in his adult life, and it has torn me apart at times. All you can do at the end of the day is be there to share the burden and pick up the pieces.

Yes, it's a neverending job. DH and I have five children between us and it's a constant merry-go-round of worries. Of course, they have their good and happy times, but when someone's ill, unemployed, having marriage issues we feel so helpless. We can't interfere, we can only try to support them. Although we love them all, sometimes it's hard work.

Virtual hugs to all mums my mum was the same it's a parent thing it's what we do x

Oh yes. I have felt real physical pain when my son has been distressed in any way.

Anya, you are so right. I've been in agony at times over the sorrows of all 3 of my precious daughters. The most painful has been the disastrous marriage of the youngest and the cruelty of her H. We don't just hurt for our DC but for our suffering DGC too I'm afraid. Even though she has found happiness and is back closer to home, every time she has to hand over her two precious little DDs to spend their school holidays with that awful man, my heart is ripped out anew for all of them. Of course, we all smile and support and keep the pain to ourselves as far as is humanly possible, but the acute pain we feel is just the same - or worse really - than when they were tiny. I guess it's because we love our families so much don't we? Feeling for all of you who are sad. Big hugs all round ? Xxxx

My son has been going through a most distressing divorce. It was him who decided to leave as he couldn't take what it was doing to him any more, but, unfortunately he has to lovely children and this added greatly to his distress. We worried constantly about him, he was morose, distant, tearful, etc etc. He had been stripped of any
self-esteem, confidence in himself. We constantly tried to convince him his children loved him (as of course we and his sister do). My prayers were focused on him, his situation and his children. (Also, asking that my ex d-i-l would have a softness of heart). Gradually things are improving. The children constantly tell him and us how much they love him, how they would like to spend more time with him. We are not out of the wood yet, but I firmly believe the situation will improve even more, we just have to be patient and be there at all times. There is nothing like the love you have for your children, and their children, and hopefully they realise that and it is a comfort to them in the hard times.

The other side of the coin is that when they are happy and/or successful, you share that as well. I not only share the sadness, disappointment or joy of my DSs and GC, but when my sisters suffer or rejoice, I feel it with them.

I think that mother love never leaves you. As morethan says, from conception and for ever.
As well as pain from theirs, one surely experiences their joys too.
I have to say, that when my children are in pain whether from physical pain or emotional, I'm there with them, biting my tongue not to say "There, there. Mummy'll kiss it better", and either crying with them, or in private, worrying endlessly about their well being.
Mother love is for life - but emphatically not to swamp and own one's offspring.

Until you have children you do not realise that a child is forever and not just for childhood.. however long that may be.

I have three children and sometimes my five year old grandson has more sense. These days I always seem to be mopping something up, but then when I think about myself at their age, it's just history repeating itself.

Do we ever grow up? I think life is a learning curve !

I remember one of my teachers telling me that he and his wife never really moved on from when their babies were about two years old. Their children stayed at the age of two in their minds and feelings (though, in reality, the offspring were grown up) and they felt just as protective as they were when the babies were toddlers and also as affected by their children's triumphs and disappointments. My OH and I feel just the same about our son and daughter even though they are 27 and 25.

I often say to my friends that if anyone had told us when we were having babies that we would still be worrying about them when they were in their forties we would have laughed incredulously. Yet here we are, loving them and longing to be able to fix things the way we sorted a bumped knee. As you are all saying, I would do anything to take away the hurt, but all I can do is offer love and suffer alongside them.

morethan2 Like the some of the posters above, I've been devastated by the unhappiness of my two children in the last five years.
I hope more than anything that they find some lasting love and happiness for the rest of their lives.
I haven't managed it for myself, but their happiness is so much more important to me than my own.

Then indeed Anya I am unhappy ? Like many of you, both of my children are divorced - each with a child. This is not quite how they, or we thought it would be. I try hard not to dwell too much on the sadness and, instead - enjoy my beautiful GD's and try to help DC wherever and however I/we can. I am blessed with a fabulous DH whom I know feels the pain too- we have been together for 43 years and I love him dearly - this would be my one and only wish - for my DC to enjoy the same experience ❤️
In the meantime I am collecting and making wonderful memories where I can and staying positive - remembering that we are not 'owed' happiness - it is a gift.
, and for all who are feeling sad today ❤️
p. s. My mobile has just rung and I had to ? - my ringtone is 'Keep On Running' ???