My daughter

My Dad was determined to leave his children a good inheritance but never helped me financially after my divorce. The money came too late to help me when I really needed it. I will always feel resentment for the lack of help. Before my Mum died she would buy little things for my boys but it never occurred to my Dad. hugs

We all need a bit of support at times I would do exactly the same as you and who knows I'm sure one day in the future your kindness will be repaid and I'm sure it's appreciated .

Thanks for the supporting posts.
D's friend has been given a 6mths time limit for moving out of her parents flat. She had been sharing but they fell out and she moved back home. D is here for as long as she needs.
I too think it's better to give now and see their lives improve than leave it in a will. My mum did the same, she bought two of my cars and paid for holidays etc.

Sounds to me as if your Dd has had a really bad time and endured the results of being a poor chooser with men - it happens. You don't have to spend a fortune; I would certainly buy her some socks, perhaps cosy slippers one week (if she wears them!) a little bunch of flowers for her bedroom, a bar of chocolate here and there, a bright cushion to cheer up her sparse surroundings in that room - she must be struggling and very low at this point. Thank goodness she has Mum; a small comfort gesture here and there can make such a difference and tells her that you love her, without your feeling that you must make grand gestures. good luck to her' I hope she makes a great success of her new career.

I would go without myself to help my children if they were in desperate need. It has never come to this, but I buy bits and pieces for them now and again just because. My DS doesn't need our help at all as he's a very high earner but my DD is at the opposite end of the earnings spectrum and is a single mum to boot, so life can be a bit of a struggle for her. She manages her money very well but there is little to spare for extras or if an expensive item needs replacing. This is where I step in - I couldn't see her go without a washing machine, for example, if it broke down! And we would be both rather she had the benefit of our money now, when she needs it, and when we can enjoy the giving of it, than after we're dead.

DD & her husband are moving in as they can't afford to live on his salary. She gave up her job in care as she got a "better" job and on her first day found out it was door to door sales, which is so not her, she left as soon as she found out what it was. We have agreed that they will pay us their share of bills and do the housework. Forgot to say DD is expecting so no chance of her getting a job in the immediate future

My sister was in an abusive relationship in the early 70's she left and went to live with my father. He had a three bedroom house, mum had died a year earlier. All the the family banded together to help but my dad said to me "she's made her bed and now she has to lie in it" so I understand the impact of what you heard rubylady I was horrified at his selfishness. Actually it's rather a painful memory, he died a few years back and when I think about it now it just another item on my long lists of dissapointments in him. My own daughter had two periods of needing our help financially and emotionally (she has terrible taste in men) and we gave it freely. Although we said very gently last time that we are due to retire soon and may not be able to be so generous with the money side of things. It's hard to draw a line when you see your children suffer but I'd hate to leave my children with the legacy of dissapointments my dad left me and my siblings.

This was in 1986, and none of my family fronted up to my ex husband, told him it was unacceptable behaviour. I felt after a week that I had no choice but to return to him.

Please try to help your daughter to become independent of any man. I was a bit concerned by Tricia's post of a man coming along for her soon. She can be independent, stand on her own two feet, not need a man in her life if she doesn't want and if one does come along, then that is a bonus, as long as he is good to her and treats her very well indeed.

If she needs these things then that is ok. I think the best thing to give her is your time and plenty of hugs, and hot chocolate drinks. I went back "home" after my ex husband hit me the very first time. I spent a night there and then heard my parents saying that I couldn't stop there any longer! I was devastated. I went to stay with my brother.

I should have been able to depend on my parents to both support and protect me after what my ex had done but no, I was back out on the streets as far as they were concerned. It wasn't as if they were living on their own by then, my sister was only 6 years old so she was obviously still at home too.

So any support you can give her will be appreciated, I am sure. I would have loved a hug and understanding.

I would do the same nina My daughter is married and both she and heer husband work but even so, sometimes I will buy her an item of clothing or socks or something to wear for work as she hasn't got much spare cash. She doesn't ask. We will always be mothers.

I find it is a very fine balance between giving grown up children a bit of help when they are in difficulty and it being expected of Mum (and/or Dad but in this case only Mum, me). I would gladly do anything I could to help out my DDs but I get seriously angry when they expect me to support their non working partners.
I have lost the plot with one DD when after having over £400 in 2/3week period she asked for another £30. A few days before this she and I were doing manual labour while the partner (under 30)lay in bed in the daytime. There had been promises of repayment which failed to materialise. I would never be allowed to have a few words with the partners. The DDs work the partner don't. Now my DD go without because they chose useless partners and I don't get to see my DGCs.
The problem starts from the partners IMO

I agree with all those who have said that they are your children for ever and you will always do what you can. We are in the position to help out when they need something, although they would ever ask or expect it. I would rather help them while I can rather than let them struggle, just to be able leave any thing to them when we are gone. It may be too late then.

Whilst I have no time for those parents who have grown up children who don't pay towards their keep when they can afford it. Your daughter is going through a bad patch, I would do just what you are, she needs support to go into this next phase of her life. Thank goodness she had you to come back to, a broken marriage takes time to come to terms with. She sounds as if she is working hard to ensure that she can be self sufficient in the future. I hope that your son finds works soon as well, your children are working to get somewhere, not lolling about.

What a cheering post. Your children are always your children and you sound
like a lovely mum!

Keep hoping, Nina, that the right man will come along for her soon. Our eldest daughter had similar problems, and we helped her often.
Surely no-one can refuse to help our own flesh and blood when they need it. As long as we can - the day might come when we just can't.
The hardest part, as you and aggie have just said, is to hit the balance so that they don't become completely dependent on us.

When our children are on their uppers but are trying to get themselves up and running, then I think giving the help you are giving is what almost any parent would do.

What I have no time for is parents who constantly bale out obviously work-shy children or let children who are at work and earning a wage live free at home.

When DS was doing his post-graduate degree at our local university, he got a bank loan for the fees, had a part time job for spending money and loan repaayments and we provided free board and lodging. When he lived at home for six months some years later when he was working, we expected him to pay for his keep and he did willingly.

J52 we have also supported her in large ways with deposits on 2 rentals which her ex never payed back and various debts.
aggie I guess that's my concern. Where to find the balance. Her plan is to get a full time job as beauty tech. at the end of her Level 3 and get a flat with a girlfriend. She's a hard worker (summer job at 15) has never claimed JS but the two men she's had in her life have been happy to spend her money for her

If you can afford to do it nina do it. We have done it and probably will again.
We help our D and GC to maintain their lifestyle now that there are two houses to be kept. What they have now, they can't have when we are gone.

Of course nina helping our DC who really need it is different from DC 'sponging' on us.I would of course do the same ( and have done in the past when DD divorced.)
I hope your DD gets her life in order as soon as she is able, and it sounds as if you have a lot on your hands.?

Absolutely, DH and I are of the opinion that what we have is for the family and there to share. When ours have bounced back for short periods we have supported them in small and sometimes larger ways!

Who knows, maybe in the future we would hope they would be generous to us!

I would do the same , but be careful not to overdo it !you have to encourage them to get independent

I did the same, nina. DD insisted on paying some 'board' (£20 pw) and we let her so she felt she had contributed but I then bought everything - nappies, wipes, enough yogurts and fruit to sink a battle ship. I often bought the children clothes. When the Idiot did pay up the money was usually spoken for in terms of nursery fees etc.

When DS1 came home to live he had next to no money for ages so he gave us £10 pw.

It's also trying to make them feel better isn't it?

We were happy to do it but aware that not everyone could.

nina You do what you feel is right. I would do exactly the same. I think lots of people still have children living at home since they can't get mortgages. My daughter still lives here but that's because she hasn't thought about it yet, and I'm happy to have her here.