Should I approach my son about how he speaks to his wife?

mumofmadboys, I agree with your post. I, too, think an email is rather formal and a face to face, non confrontational, lighthearted dialogue would be much better. Personally I would not be able to sit back and say nothing.

As a general rule I do not think that we should interfere in our offsprings' relationships, unless serious abuse is involved.

I would definitely speak to him. If he hasn't been brought up that way there is no excuse. If you don't say anything you are condoning his behaviour.
I would go along the lines of 'please don't do it, it makes everyone feel very uncomfortable.' I would ask him why he does it. Perhaps he simply doesn't realise.

At the end of the day Yankeegran you know your son best. It feels quite formal E mailing him though. I think I would say something out in the open when it happened such as 'Gosh aren't you rude to A . I don't know why she puts up with you!' in a light hearted sort of way. Possibly following it up with ' If your Dad spoke to me like that he'd be out on his ear! It may make him think or your DIL may mention it when they are by themselves.Good luck.

trisher....your daughter in law sounds as if she can look after herself !

Granjura....I would consider saying nothing,to be lacking in support for my daughter.

granjura....No not at all,we are both very plain speakers.

LOTS of thoughtful replies, so thank you all for your input. I wouldn't say anything in front of them both. I think his knee-jerk reaction would be to tell me to mind my own business (and then he'd apologise; he always has to be forgiven), but I am still of a mind to email him so he can consider what I have to say in privacy and in his own time. I'm sure he'll be defensive at first, but without me in front of him, he'll have to reflect and, I hope come to the conclusion that I am motivated by the best of intentions. And it's just between us. We have a good relationship which I think can bear this.

Not sure about this. Are you sure your DIL isn't on her best behaviour when you are there and doesn't give as good as she gets when they are on their own? My son sometimes says things to his wife and I worried about this until the other day when she retaliated by punching him and jumping on him, and I realised it is probably part of their relationship and not really a cause for concern. Mind you my DIL is quite feisty, your situation might be different.

I say something whoever it is, family, friends. I don't say it an angry way, I just let them know that I've heard it and I don't like it. Something like: steady on, no need for that.

I was that DIL once and very young and had no experience in being treated that way. I wish my MIL had said something.

Agree totally with NanaandGrampy.Spot on.

Granny2026- much much harder and 'dangerous' to say to a son-in-law than to your own son, surely- and a very different situation.

Anya I've been there and trust me I wanted to slap him on many occasions.
D and I talked about it at the time and she knows my feelings but I would not have said anything at the time but as they've been separated 2 yrs I would now

Think Anya had the right idea, speak up for your daughter in law and let your son know it's not acceptable. It's not necessary to be confrontational just don't condone. Childrens marriages are a minefield.

Yes,silence is condoning.
If your son finds it acceptable to belittle his wife with you present,I wonder how he behaves when you are not there.
If my son in law spoke badly to my daughter,I would have no qualms in tackling him.

Agree that not saying anything is kind of condoning.

Gently gently does it- but say it. As said, use humour if possible but firmly make it clear he is out of order.

I agree that something should be said to him. My husband was like that. Sadly, his mum died quite early on in our marriage but she always stuck up for me...I think our marriage would have actually survived if she'd lived. In cases like this I often think that it's a case of biting your tongue until you find the right time to slip it into a conversation or react to a particular comment he makes.

Think I'd respond at the time it was said....something a little light-hearted of course. I would also try to catch her eye and perhaps make a 'face' I'm very good at such non-verbal communications.

I'm afraid I would take my son aside and using examples tell him how that's disrespectful. I'm not my daughters best friend I'm their Mum. They would fully expect me to be open and honest with them , as they would be with me.

They might not like my advice, or comment, they may not agree with it and likely hell will freeze over before they admit I'm right , but good or bad that's my job.

I wouldn't do the same to my SIL , they aren't mine , just on loan. That's down to their Mums although Grampy has had a man to man over a pint occasionally.

Hmmmn, well, I would ask her how she felt about it, and hope to have a conversation.

How would GNetters feel if it was their daughter and their SiL who belittled her in front of you?

The trouble is, peeps, that we are all different, therefore our views will be too.Also there are some (adult) children that can take a critical word, and those who won't.The OP will have to use her own judgement in the end.Other peoples marriages are often a closed book.

Yankeegran I would speak to my son. I would take note of some actual instances of this behaviour and then talk to him alone about it. I have in the past had this conversation with a friend who regularly spoke disrespectfully to his wife in front of me and when I talked to him about it he said it had started out as sort of banter and then he just got used to talking to her in that way. He was (eventually) glad I cared enough for his wife to say something. She never knew we had had the conversation.

Sorry but that is a form of abuse. My DIL sometimes speaks harshly to my son in front of us, but he will give as good as he gets, and it's clear they have a loving but feisty relationship. So I leave them to sort it out for themselves.

You cannot stand by and just ignore this behaviour or you are condoning it. There's a world of difference between 'interfering' and being able to speak up.

I think next time it hapoens you need to have something ready to say. Nothing too confrontational but mildly disapproving.

Perhaps 'that's a bit harsh/unfair' or something that you feel confortable saying.